Divorced women

1

Chen Zeyu and I met on a blind date.

At that time, I was 28 years old, and my family was very urged, eating and reading, sleeping, and walking every day, and my father even said: "If you don't get married next year, don't enter this house." ”

I've had a few fights with them, but it doesn't do much better than to make the relationship more rigid. The stubbornness of adults is nailed down, one board at a time, and no one wants to convince anyone.

Later, my parents began to go on blind dates from all over the place, and I went there several times with a perfunctory attitude, all of which were strange people.

Some people ask you how many you are willing to have when you meet, some people obviously say that they have a good AA but do everything possible to rely on food money, and some nine out of ten sentences are bragging about who they know and who they have done, and what big projects they have done...

Chen Zeyu was the only one of all who looked normal. As we all know, normal is the scarce quality of the blind date market.

Dad is a cook, mom is a teacher, he works in the local design institute, the annual salary is twelve or thirty thousand, he looks quite Zhou Zheng, a look is a clean and responsible family to teach the child, Sven Wen, very polite.

To be honest, there really isn't. I prefer the sunny and cheerful type, he is introverted and calm, not very good at rhetoric, knows almost nothing about the fashionable words and passages on the Internet, and his usual hobby is to read comics and play games.

Like me, he came on a blind date because of family pressure. The special point is that the reason why his family is so tight is that his mother has detected breast cancer, and although the operation is controlled, there is a risk of recurrence at any time.

His mother would like to see him start a family as soon as possible, and based on this special situation, he is more cooperative with the blind date. After the first meeting, they made several more appointments with me, using very polite wording, inviting me to dinner or a movie.

On the one hand, he can perfunctory parents, on the other hand, he really thinks that he has a good attitude, so he has dated several times.

Every time they met, he would prepare some small gifts, sometimes his mother's snacks, sometimes local souvenirs issued by the unit.

Once, I was on fire and my gums were all swollen, and when he learned about it, he sent me honeysuckle, saying that his mother had found it in the countryside and was very effective in reducing fire.

After taking the big bag of honeysuckle tea, a feeling suddenly came over my heart—perhaps, there was nothing wrong with marrying someone like him. Kind, generous, know the cold and know the heat, presumably also take care of the family, can give me three meals and four seasons of stable life.

But at that time, I did not know that two people lived a life, and it was far from enough to be stable.

2

Looking back on that journey now, I just think it's incredible.

There was hardly anything outstanding, plain as boiled water, after a few meals, a few movies, and a few times I walked into each other's lives, maybe it was the power of habit, or maybe it was another year, time was more urgent, I kept brainwashing myself: in fact, he was nothing bad.

Finally, we all acquiesced as if we were pushing the boat along the water, and we were interacting with each other for the purpose of marriage.

Occasionally I wonder, if there is another man in my life during that time who can make my heart move, will the ending be different?

But the truth is no. In the end, life has reached the threshold of 29 years old.

My mother comforted me: "Where are there so many earth-shattering loves, the vast majority of people, are keeping a plain life, like me and your father, are all matchmakers, aren't they also living together for most of their lives?" ”

Like her and Dad? Not bad. Dad was very gentle with Mom, Mom was also very sympathetic to Dad, from childhood to adulthood, I rarely heard them arguing, respecting each other, can be called a model couple.

Subconsciously, I kept convincing myself to accept this choice without choice. Or else? Can you still do that? I, a timid and clumsy person, faced with the most important decision of my life, instigated, retreated, and even feared trouble.

I'm like a test taker who hasn't finished answering the question for a moment, yelling and scribbling an answer, forget it, forget it, it's it.

Under the enthusiastic advocacy of both parents, we quickly talked about marriage. Picking auspicious days, receiving bride price, taking wedding dresses, booking banquets, and as soon as the seal of the Civil Affairs Bureau was covered, I became his wife.

In terms of character, he is a good marriage partner.

Weddings, banquets, and gifts all tried their best to meet my family's requirements. Before getting married, he also took me to choose a diamond ring, I didn't want him to spend too much, so he chose a small one, and he also deliberately let me change a large one.

Because of the goodness of their family, I had made a sincere wish to be his most virtuous wife.

I tried hard to take care of the housework, take care of people's feelings, and do my duty as a hostess; he was also working hard to be a good husband, handing in salary cards, sharing housework, and greeting me warmly. It's just that we all quickly discovered that feelings are not something that can be done with hard work.

The most intuitive thing is that we can't really engage in intimacy.

I saw that he was resisting, and he saw that I was resisting. Since the formal relationship, I have instinctively avoided physical contact, especially kissing, and no one believes it until the marriage is really broken, and the number of kisses we can count with one hand!

Every time night fell, I was like a person who waited quietly for his boots to fall to the ground, until he finally tricked himself into completing his one-time life, and the breath was secretly relaxed.

So did he. A man, like punching a clock, strictly enforces the frequency of sex life, once a week, never makes an exception, and still can't explain the problem?

Rarely hugs, almost no hands, and always keep a distance even when going shopping.

We have become tacit generals of each other.com.

3

I thought that I could live a peaceful life in this way.

Until the next year, our marriage room was handed over, in a six-month long renovation, all the disguises, forbearance, accommodation a little bit of defense, each other showed their true faces and true temperament, we began a long quarrel and confrontation.

Any friend who has experienced renovation knows what a grinding experience it is. As big as the ceiling cabinet, as small as the screw nut, everything has to be laborious, and the loving couple has a quarrel, not to mention the original ok.

I like bright colors, he likes to be a little darker, I like a little more complex design, he likes the simpler the better, I advocate that every detail is checked by himself, but he is always troublesome, this is also casual, that is also casual.

The biggest disagreement was over the use of the third room.

I wanted a study, but he insisted on making a guest room, because we had to have children in the past two years, and if we wanted children, we had to be brought by the elderly, and we had to leave a room for the children, and a room for his parents.

Only then did I find that his purpose was clearer about marriage.

Blind dates are for marriage, marriage is for children, and children are for pleasing his parents.

Although I have not touched much truth, it is difficult to face such a naked purpose, so through the reason of decoration, I continue to argue in the open and in the dark, I like stormy catharsis, and he is more good at cold violence, not taking a stand, not resisting, not cooperating.

Once, the two of us quarreled over a cupboard and angrily shouted at him, "In your heart, what am I?" ”

He suddenly looked at me very calmly, and the look on his face gradually changed from anxiety to calm, and after a while, he actually said to me in a low voice, "You are my wife." I'm sorry, I was wrong, I'll listen to you later. ”

How do I describe that moment to you? I could almost hear his inner voice convincing himself that he must have been telling himself that he was marrying me in order to gain the identity of a husband, and since that was the case, let's play this identity well and not tear up the family.

This is a great shame for any woman.

In this marriage, I only had the identity of a wife.

Maybe all I can get from this man for the rest of my life is the identity of a wife.

I actually slept with someone I didn't love or love for the sake of a false-headed identity?

Loving couples can quarrel at the head of the bed and at the end of the bed.

But what does a couple who instinctively resist even sex rely on to make up for the rift in the marriage?

With one confrontation after another, our inner coldness, disgust, and rejection are constantly awakened, and our patience and warmth for each other are exhausted little by little, and we gradually become a veritable partner under the roof.

4

At the same time, his parents activated the spawn mode.

The mother-in-law ran to the house from time to time to cry: "Xiao Yue, don't blame me for urging you, my body really can't wait, maybe one day it will leave, just look forward to being able to hold a grandson ..."

He silently adjusted the frequency of sexual life from once a week to twice a week, and explained his position with practical actions.

I was terrified, and a fear I had never felt before surrounded me.

I became more and more aware that I was in a very unhealthy marital relationship.

Don't say "love and love are not doubtful", we have not even been able to continue the spirit of cooperation of the parents' generation, the same is the word of the matchmaker, the father will talk and laugh with the mother, we do not, no matter how hard we try.

He didn't like to joke, he didn't like to watch noisy variety shows and idol dramas, and as soon as I turned on the TV, he frowned and hid in the room.

When we first got married, he tried to watch TV with me, and the look of torture made us sit together like needles.

"Forget it, don't accompany me, go play your favorite game!" It wasn't until I let him go that he went into the forest like a bird, shaking his body unhappily in an instant.

Only then did I find out that my mother had lied to me.

There are several kinds of love in this world, thrilling is counted as one, and the long stream of water is also counted as one, and there is not no love between him and his father, but there is no thrilling love.

And that kind of hand in hand with a lifetime of grace, the tacit understanding of the same road in the wind and rain, and the short self-esteem in the parents are also one of the most reliable and firm forms of love in the world.

People who don't love each other, it's impossible to remember each other's preferences, buy a sugar fried chestnut on the way to work, and relieve their wives.

People who do not love each other cannot subconsciously put their wives' hands into their own pockets in the cold winter.

People who don't love each other can't jump to their feet in the sky on a rainy night: "Why doesn't your father come back?" ”

They love to the marrow of their bones, and love becomes a habit, a kind of ordinary, but it deceives me, and those who do not love can stay together for a lifetime.

Only I, the poor ghost, really had nothing.

Every day after work, he hid in his room, read cartoons, played games, and I often heard him laugh loudly in the room, but when he pushed out the door, he immediately changed into a respectful and polite face.

A trained face facing his wife.

What was even more frightening was that whenever he came out to pour a glass of water, say a few words of greeting, and return to his room, I would breathe a long sigh of relief.

How can two people who do not even have love create the crystallization of love?

5

I don't know if it was fortunate or unfortunate, but after two years of marriage, I have not been pregnant.

My mother-in-law couldn't wait, and he was impatient, carrying me over and over again to the hospital.

The result of the examination is that he is very healthy, I am also very healthy, the doctor's explanation is that maybe it is a little bit of fate, or maybe the mood is too anxious, in short, slow conditioning, the probability is that it will be pregnant.

After many times of seeking medical advice, I added an online "patient group", and then sadly found that there were not a few people like me. Get old and get married. When you reach the age, have a baby.

I don't love my husband very much, and I am not very satisfied with life, but I just feel that everyone is like this, and I should be like this myself.

We are all humble and cowardly people, living in the script set by others, powerless to fight life, even more powerless to create life, and even do not know what we want, so we will eventually pay a heavy price for our own cowardice.

At 32, I was pregnant.

This is probably the most regrettable thing in my life, it is an irresponsible mother like me, bringing my innocent child to this family that is like a pool of stagnant water that will fall apart sooner or later.

The birth of the child gave the family a short happiness, the mother-in-law was very happy, he was also very happy, in order to show his gratitude to me, but also specially added my name to his house before marriage.

Look, as I said earlier, just from the point of view of character, he is definitely a very good marriage partner.

After the birth of the child, as long as he is at home, almost all of them are carried by him, changing clothes, wearing diapers, bathing and wiping, he will do everything he can, except for feeding and sleeping to me, the rest is borne by him and his in-laws.

Oh yes, we slept in separate rooms.

The child will cry in the middle of the night, he has to go to work during the day, in order not to affect sleep, he proposed to sleep in separate rooms.

Of course, I have no objection, after all, since pregnancy, sex has been spared, the most important marital tasks have been completed, and we have no need to perfunctory each other.

There is no communication, no intercourse, every day for the children's affairs are busy chickens and dogs jumping, how much husband and wife feelings are left, you can imagine.

Once, I was breastfeeding my child and he suddenly called out to me, and I turned my head to ask him what was wrong, and he smiled and said, "Nothing, just call you, as if I haven't called you in a long time." ”

I was stunned, yeah, the last time I was called was a few months ago.

After the birth of the child, we didn't even talk alone, and the only chat content was limited to "get me a bottle", "change the baby's diaper", "the baby has eczema"...

To be honest, I really had a faint fantasy that children could make us feel affectionate in lieu of absent love, but when this day really came, I realized how naïve my ideas were.

They will always be them, and I will always be me.

At a table, their family has the same tastes and the topic of contract, and it is always at the end of the conversation that they suddenly remember my existence, and then guiltily give me a dish to make up for the snub.

Especially when the baby is sick and feverish, the polite and thoughtful manners that are usually carefully maintained will always be exposed in an instant, and he will subconsciously yell at me: "You know that your mother is old, why don't you pay more attention to the child?" ”

I am the hostess of this home, and my name is written on the title deed, but I am not a family with them.

6

All kinds of repression in life are about to drive people crazy.

What really made me think of divorce was his chat history with friends.

That day, the child suddenly cried, and when he got up to make milk powder, he did not turn off the WeChat on the computer. I inadvertently aimed at it, but he complained to his friends in the brother group: "Hey, where is there any love that is not love, haven't they all made it up?" ”

"There's nothing wrong with her, she just doesn't call much, and she can't do anything like this."

"I have not felt good in the past few years, I can make up for her, I have made up for her, after all, I have hurt others, so I will try to be nice to others."

Turns out, turns out, turns out... He was good for everything about me, just to make up for it, to make up for the fact that he didn't love me.

He should also pretend to be very hard, like a job, like a leader, to plan, to rehearse, to maneuver.

I remember once, on a rainy day, he came to the company to pick me up from work, the umbrella was propped up, and slowly poured it on his side, until half of my body was wet, he suddenly remembered to apologize to me, and then put the umbrella all over my head, and drenched himself in the rain...

He must be tired too! To do the duty of a husband to a woman who does not love, it must be very tired and tired!

The idea of divorce was planted, just waiting for an opportunity to erupt.

Yes, another woman.

The man who didn't appear when he should have been there finally appeared when our children were two years old.

Almost without suspense, it destroyed our marriage.

Like a glare that suddenly shone into the darkness, her eyes flickered unobtrusively, and she was exactly the type he liked, with a steady temperament, a meticulous mind, a royal sister-like face and an overwhelming sense of aggression.

The cautious little otaku met the enemy in an instant.

She was his new colleague, fresh back from the provincial capital, well-informed, business-minded and assertive.

Do you know that people like us who go with the flow and lack of opinion are the most likely to be attracted to people with strong self-awareness, who are determined, strong, and indisputable, like a magnet, firmly attracting us cowards to come closer.

It was Chen Zeyu who personally exposed her.

During that time, he had always been silent and unexpectedly talkative.

He took the initiative to talk to me about the company, how the boss is straw bale, the new female colleague is four or two thousand pounds, she is really bold, she knows so much, she really has a way...

Loving someone cannot be hidden, the eyes will not deceive, the mouth will not deceive.

He mentioned her more and more frequently, obviously saying something unrelated, but he could go around the woman from a hundred and eighteen thousand miles away. When he talked about her, the corners of his mouth would smile and there was light in his eyes.

So one afternoon, I didn't suppress my curiosity, so I gave him the key and quietly went to see the woman.

Tall, atmospheric, bright, the moment I saw her, I knew I had lost, oh no, I didn't lose, I never really played, I wasn't on the roster at all - from appearance to personality, we were completely different.

Perhaps, as much as he likes her, he doesn't like me!

7

It was I who broke it all.

That day the in-laws went grocery shopping, he sat on the sofa to coax the child, I coldly asked, "Do you like your female colleague?" ”

He was stunned, but his character was so good that he didn't want to deceive me in the matter of men and women.

"Xiao Yue, I'm sorry..." He immediately raised his head again: "But you believe me, we don't have any substantive misdeeds." ”

I believe. Like I wasn't his dish, obviously he wasn't the woman's dish either.

She wouldn't like him, but what did it matter, he liked her, a person, who hadn't eaten the taste of mountains and seas, would feel that coarse tea and light rice were nothing, but once he tasted the taste of delicacies, he could no longer swallow the brown rice.

You're tired, so you shouldn't be tired anymore, right?

I eventually mentioned divorce. Forget it, let each other go. Now that the right answer has emerged, let's get lost.

He seemed surprised, staring at me with wide eyes, unable to speak for a long time.

Immediately, he burst into tears, he said sorry over and over again, saying that he actually felt very sorry for me from the beginning, and today's ending was very painful, but maybe it was a relief for us.

However, the in-laws, who have always been good-natured, were furious at my "unreasonable trouble": "Where can't our family Xiaoyu stand up to you?" The houses are written with your name, you woman really have no conscience..."

I didn't explain, because there was no way to explain. I really can't tell them that a person needs love to live.

I can almost imagine how ridiculous this reason sounds to them. What is love, can it be eaten, can it be drunk, can it be exchanged for money?

Just like I couldn't explain it to my parents either.

When my father heard that I was going to get a divorce, he almost beat me up, and my mother cried and asked me: "Is this a bad day, why can't I live it?" ”

Yes, asexual, loveless, non-communicative, in their opinion, can also be a good day.

There is no domestic violence, no cheating, and no bankruptcy to gamble, how can life not go on?

However, the best way to torture a fish is not to kill it, but to keep it without giving it water.

Chen Zeyu and I are two fish living in a dry pool.

I even thanked the woman with some gratitude, my weak and impotent fish, who had tried to jump countless times without the courage to make it, and it was her appearance that forced me to make the boldest adventure of the first half of my life.

I want to jump, jump with all my strength, jump out to see if there will be a turnaround in life.

And just like that, we got divorced. The children belonged to me, and I did not want the house, but only half of the savings and some gold and silver jewelry.

Sadly, of course, I used a few years of youth and tears to verify a completely failed experiment.

But for a moment, I suddenly breathed a sigh of relief, it was over, it was finally over, and I could finally live truly and frankly.

It's just pity our children, growing up in a single-parent family.

He is so young, so innocent, but he has to pay for his parents' stupidity and cowardice, but I believe that when he grows up, he will be able to understand why his parents divorced.

A thirty-year-old woman who does not marry will not be seen as a monster, will not be cursed by her parents, and will not be ridiculed as an old aunt by passers-by.

People can get married or be single, and it doesn't matter if they are single until the excited person appears.

Those cowards who have no opinion, the cowardly, wavering, and the little characters who follow the tide will eventually be tolerated by society, and someone will tell them: "Be brave, be yourself, you can." ”

That day will come eventually, right?