Highlights of this article:
In education, we pay great attention to using the environment to influence children.
We will set up a reading corner for children to increase the reading atmosphere; give children more English movies and increase the English atmosphere; for example, like Meng Mu Sanqian, buy a school district house; and even in order to pull the atmosphere, organize their own reading groups and running groups in the community.
These environmental atmospheres are still very important, but the biggest impact on children is the family. Now the family will become the child's original family when the child grows up.
When we put the atmosphere of the family in order, all members of the family are the beneficiaries of the moment.
So, I recently came to a family version of the "Clear Lang" campaign to improve the happiness of the whole family, and the main goal of this year's action is to influence the children through beneficial interactions between husband and wife.
As for the effect, read the article.
Wednesday | visual field
The full text is 4671 words, and the reading time is 12 minutes
There are many benefits of double subtraction, the child sleeps more, the homework is done in school, and we don't have to make trouble with the child because of the homework.
However, how the child learned in school, more and more difficult to figure out, canceled the exam, the homework is never taken home. (Some parents bought 53 exercise books for their children and found that their children did not learn well.) It may also be too hasty. ）
After the double subtraction, what is placed in front of the parents is not a river or a stone, but more like an empty and dark place. In the previous reference system, the way of behavior has all changed, parents want to find a handle can not find, want to exert force, but feel that their fists are empty. The huge English training fee was refunded, and I didn't feel that I saved money, but I only felt that my heart was not lost.
No way, parents always want to do something to feel that they are worthy of their children.
Looking back at our upbringing, we will be disappointed in our parents, (and we will not be able to avoid disappointing our children in the future), and some people are even spending their lives treating childhood pains. They will not complain that their parents did not report to themselves for training classes when they were young, but they will blame the bad atmosphere of their original families for their influence.
Therefore, if we want to educate our children, we must first start from the family. Family influences children begin with the relationship between family members. Let's not talk about parent-child relationship today, but how the relationship between husband and wife affects the family atmosphere.
(Stills from "The Naughty Gang in Paris")
Bad-tempered son and bad-tempered mother
My kids get angry easily. Compared with other children, they will lose their temper, they will lose their temper when they are wronged, and they will lose their temper when they do not want to do things. He is a fire character, one point, flammable and explosive.
Who is his temper like? Like me.
If I say I have a bad temper, people who know me will not agree. They'll say, your temper is long-tempered, it's gentle. It seems that only my baby dad knows that I have a big temper, especially when I am with him.
As long as he has a little evaluation of me, I will be like a fighter and start fighting back with a violent temper. I am used to treating colleagues and friends in a gentle way, but I am reluctant to treat my teammates.
After the child saw me lose my temper, he learned this way of reacting. So, in addition to the inevitable genetic influences on children, I also have behavioral influences.
What to do? If I want my child's temper to get better, I first have to make my temper milder when I interact with my dad. As for why you have such a bad temper when interacting with your teammates? You have to find out why.
Marriage doesn't look like it grew up on its own
Find the cause of the contradiction
We come out of our original families, thinking that as long as we are married, we can solve all problems, but we do not expect that all problems arise from marriage. It is not surprising that two completely different people are combined and have contradictions.
Some contradictions disappear so naturally over time, in the process of running into each other. There are still some contradictions that will persist. These contradictions are the reason why the husband and wife constantly quarrel.
In fact, there is no big contradiction between me and my baby father. Later, I found the reason why I was mad at the first time I encountered an evaluation, which was rooted in my original family, and in my family, my father would often evaluate or belittle my mother. (I won't expand more here.) So, when I got married, I made up my mind not to be like my mom and let the other person comment.
When I realized this, I started to change consciously. When the evaluation happens, as long as I realize that I am not angry with him, but are only affected by previous life experiences. This way my mood will be much better, and then I will calmly analyze the meaning of his words, and then enter the normal mode of communication.
(The 57-year-old Su Min's self-driving tour became popular, and she couldn't stand her husband's constant provocations at home, so she ran away from home.) Many people comment below that there is a father and husband of the same type in the family. ）
Every quarrel is about withdrawing money from an "emotional account."
Psychologist Willard Haley, who has proposed the concept of an "emotional account," says:
Every relationship is like an account, every time you make each other happy and moved, you are deposited in the account; every time you make the other party miserable and disappointed, you withdraw money from the account.
Conflicts between husband and wife are often small things. The terrible thing about these little things is the sheer volume. Every time you argue over trivial matters, you withdraw money from the emotional account, and over time, the emotional funds become less.
If the two parties choose to distance themselves from each other in order to avoid conflict, although there is less conflict, it makes each other less friendship and connection, and there is less opportunity to invest money in the emotional account, and when the emotional account is negative, it increases the chance of divorce.
In 2018, there were nearly 50,000 (49,804) divorce dispute cases in courts in Zhejiang Province. 50,000 couples divorced reasons exposed, the first reason is not cheating, but life trivia! Among them, 34.21% of divorce disputes were caused by trivial matters.
When we argue over small things, the flames of war expand involuntarily.
In the movie "Marriage Story", there is such a classic quarrel scene, which is very similar to the quarrel process of many of us. At first, the two were just talking about how to schedule their time, and then they talked about how their children were doing in school. At the end of the argument, he did not choose his words, and said things that shocked, frightened, and regretted him.
(Stills from the movie "Marriage Story")
How to increase the amount of money in the emotional bank
Change starts with women
In my limited personal experience, I have discovered a phenomenon in which wives tend to be the guides of the family atmosphere. For example, in a small family, when the wife is happy, the atmosphere of the whole family is good; in the big family, the mother-in-law is happy, and the family is happy.
Women are often masters of provoking emotions. Why is that?
When I watched The Truth About Marriage (by John Gottman, who is also the author of Emotional Intelligence and is known as the "Pope of Marriage"), I felt that the author's statement was really quite reasonable.
He put it this way that women's emotional intelligence is often higher than their husband's, for a simple reason: women have a huge head start in acquiring these skills.
What is this opportunity? You can see it from the boys and girls' game process. When the boys are together, they are playing silly, such as chasing and running, playing some war games, that is, these boys are concerned with the game itself, not on the relationship and feelings between each other.
Girls will be quieter when playing, and they will pay more attention to emotional communication between each other. "If someone cries and says, 'I'm no longer your friend,' the game ends coldly, and whether the game starts again depends on whether the two girls get along." (As a boy's mom, I'm often surprised by their emotional maturity when I see girls playing games.) ）
"Before childhood ended, girls received a lot of emotional education, while boys learned how to play football. As they age, boys rarely play with girls, so boys lose the opportunity to learn from girls (emotional expression) and the differences in cultivation are further widened. ”
"'Girly' games better prepare for marriage and family life. Generally speaking, boys' play lists do not even include games themed around marriage and family. ”
This difference in the play style of boys and girls exists in many cultural environments. Therefore, the difference in emotional expression between men and women is more likely to be a biological factor.
So, when boys grow up to be men, they are still less likely to express emotions. That's why the word "straight man" appears. The most famous characteristic of straight men is that they do not express emotion.
Straight men are baptized in love and marriage, and their wives will teach them some methods.
Unfortunately, the evolution of straight men has not always kept pace with the increase in women's emotional intelligence, because women learn a lot of more powerful communication skills in the process of raising children.
Therefore, the great task of resolving family conflicts and creating a good family atmosphere must be shouldered by us women, is there any good way?
Here's a little trick and a big direction for pro-testing effectiveness.
(Stills from the movie Julie and Julia)
Start with "I" instead of "you"
How do you avoid not attacking each other?
Speak with "I" instead of "you". Heim Ginonott, a psychologist and author of the educational masterpiece "Give Me Your Hand, Child," noted that phrases that begin with "I" are usually unlikely to be critical.
For example:
"You didn't listen to me." "I'd be glad if you listened carefully to me. ”
"You don't care about money." VS "I wish we could save more." ”
"You don't care about me at all." VS "I feel overlooked. ”
You can feel which one is accusing and which one is expressing feelings.
Starting with "you, it feels like we're pointing at each other's noses.
Such a gesture can easily cause the other party to resist and want to defend themselves. And with "I" as the beginning, the other party does not have many reasons and emotions to want to defend themselves.
Starting with "I" is a gentle beginning in communication, which is good for solving problems. Most of the time, how it begins, it inevitably ends in what way.
"Witness across time and space" method
After my article "In marriage, the original culprit of an argument is it," I saw a message to the effect that I would rather use the method mentioned in the article with my children than with my husband.
If that's the case, it's a shame (it's also possible that the reader is just talking about it). Because, as mentioned above, women have a lot of control over the atmosphere in the home. Don't think about how to change each other, home is a system, if one party changes, it will disturb the other party to change.
If we want to change, we need to find psychological motivation. How to find psychological motivation, first listen to this story.
This story comes from fu Yang's interview with Wu Xixuan, a well-known psychological expert in Taiwan, in the book "I just want to live this life with you".
A Taiwanese couple came to Wu Xixuan for marriage counseling. Both are successful people, married for 12 years, have had two children, and their relationship is very deep. Once, however, the husband was playing a trick at a party and had a relationship with a girl he had just met.
After the wife knew, she was extremely miserable, did not think about the tea, and suddenly became 10 years old. She was angry but couldn't think straight, and began to have a cold war with her husband, not visiting her mother-in-law, not sharing a room with her husband, and not talking to her husband during the New Year. The kids were terrified. The husband also began to realize that his actions had caused so much harm to the other party.
After a cooling-off period of several months, the wife decided not to divorce. (In the face of a cheating husband, who ultimately chooses not to divorce, many people may feel that the heroine is not decisive and brave enough.) But everyone's circumstances, situations, and personalities are different, and there's no reason for us to blame her or make a seemingly "better decision" on her behalf. But how should the two get along in the future?
Wu Xihuan adopts the method of "witnessing across time and space" to help the wife find the vitality behind the trauma.
The general practice of "witnessing across time and space" is to let the elderly self thank their present self. The principle is, "As long as people think far, they will go differently; if they only think about it now, it will be very hard." ”
Wu Xihuan asked the wife: "60-year-old you, see that although you are in pain and despair, you are still trying to talk to a counselor. What do you want to say to you now at the age of 60? What was she most touched by you? ”
Through a stage of counseling, the wife finally found the life force - children.
She said to Wu Xihuan: "I am really in pain now, but I must try to get our relationship right." I hope that in the future, when the child gets married, I and his dad will be able to attend the wedding together and smile and bless him. Instead of being like an enemy, if Dad goes, Mom won't go, and I can't let my child suffer like that! ”
Later, the wife also spoke this sentence to the husband, hoping that they could work together. Sir had never thought of anything like "attending a child's wedding" before. But because of this shared vision, Mr. Li began to take the initiative to change himself. (How to change also needs some skills, if you are interested, you can find a book to read.) ）
The couple put a lot of effort into running their marriage, using various moves to and from the family's emotional accounts to save money.
Repairing an affair takes a long journey. It wasn't until 11 years later that the couple truly and utterly stepped out of the hurt of the affair.
"For the sake of children" may be the psychological motivation of many parents.
In the "Witness Across Time and Space" method, what kind of child do you want your child to become, and does it require parents to make some adjustments to become such a child?
I hope that the child will be a calm person in the future, so I need to change my temper now to affect the child.
In the past month, I have been calm, I have not lost my temper with my family, and I have spoken at a much lower volume than before. Children still lose their temper, but less frequently.
"A harmonious family is not a family without contradictions, but a family where every partner knows how to resolve them when contradictions arise." ("Disappearing Fathers, Anxious Mothers, and Runaway Children")
Finally, I hope that we and our teammates can become a "husband and wife alliance" and put more and more emotional funds in the emotional accounts of the family.
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