The story begins with a lie.
Billy, a girl who immigrated to the United States as a child, returned to Changchun, China, ostensibly to attend her cousin's wedding, but in fact to see her grandmother who suffered from lung cancer for the last time.
This is the bad news that the grandmother's lung cancer has developed to the 4th stage, and the remaining 3 months, the family has discussed the unified caliber - the uncle and aunt family returned from Japan in the name of holding a wedding for their son, and the Billy family naturally returned from the United States in the name of attending the wedding. This family, which has been separated for 25 years, ushered in the first reunion. Her grandmother, who knew nothing about her physical condition, was overjoyed by the rare family reunion, and she even had to prepare the wedding feast herself, but it was actually her farewell feast.
This is the story told in the movie "Don't Tell Her", adapted from the personal experience of Chinese director Wang Ziyi.
Don't Tell Her reviews were polarized, but that didn't affect its box office results in the slightest. The film even surpassed the "Avengers 4" released at the same time, breaking the average single box office record in North America last year, and unexpectedly becoming a dark horse in the annual film box office. At the same time, the film was also nominated for the "Golden Globe Award" for Best Foreign Language Film, and the lead actor Okafina won the Best Actress in the Musical V Comedy category for this film, and she is also the first Chinese actor to win this award.
What kind of magic does this film have to achieve such a good result? On closer examination, you will find that the narrative style of "Don't Tell Her" is not unconventional, the scene is Chinese, and the conflict between China and the West is real, which leads to the audience living abroad to feel the familiar atmosphere of home and country, while Chinese film fans think that China's depiction is more symbolic and landscaped, and the values in the film are too rigid. However, I still think that the capture of details and Chinese elements in the lens is sincere and touching, and the reflection of the film on "death education" allows us to see our own shadow, behind the "Chinese lie", it reflects the lack of "death education", let us see their longing for love and warmth in the fear of death, which are the magic and unique features of this film.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" >, why "don't tell her"? There are 3 layers of reasons behind the "Chinese lie"</h1>
"Don't tell her." Not all Chinese families will choose to do so. However, if the elderly in a certain family are diagnosed with terminal illness, it is certainly not uncommon for the family to unanimously choose to conceal it with white lies. From the plot of the film in order to persuade Billy, we see the inferences about Chinese's attitude towards "death", which are the main three reasons behind the "Chinese lie".
1. Chinese the traditional "avoidance" mentality.
From ancient times to the present, Chinese have believed that "death" is a terrible thing. In Chinese families, grandparents and fathers avoid talking about death, saying the word every time when the child says it or asks about it. They are always rudely interrupted, simply stopped, and adults do not tell children why. When pressed by the child's questions, adults will say "unlucky" and "discouraged".
In fact, it is a natural thing to live, grow old, sick and die, and everyone will experience it. But why Chinese always shy away from talking about "death"?
Mainly because we haven't yet thought of a good way to deal with the problem of "death" perfectly. From orthodox religion to folk there is none. Confucius once said, "Unknown life knows death?" As ordinary people, it is difficult for us to understand the deep meaning of this sentence, which is like the religious saying "death", too high and unfathomable for us to detect its meaning, and in general, mysterious and unknown things are the most terrible. Therefore, life and death seem more mysterious, more unspeakable, unspeakable, and unspeakable.
2. "Chinese-style patriarchal" style.
In Don't Tell Her, Billy couldn't understand the fact that her family was hiding her grandmother, because doing so in the United States would be tantamount to breaking the law, so she asked and asked, "Time is running out, shouldn't it be better to tell her?" "What if Grandma had a job to do?" If she wants to say goodbye? “
She believes that everyone has the right to know their true state.
But, the doctor told her it was a white lie, and his family did the same before his grandmother died.
The aunt asked her, "Why tell her?" It's too painful to say goodbye. ”
The uncle said in a serious tone, "You have to tell Grandma because you don't want to take responsibility." You tell her that you are relieved. You didn't tell her it was love for her, responsibility for her, reward for her. Uncle's words touched Billy, as if she had realized something, and she began to cooperate with this lie.
In real life, most families do the same – everyone doesn't want to die, everyone wants their loved ones to be around forever, "death" is equivalent to no response, no response is equal to despair. Therefore, in Chinese families, if the children and grandchildren have filial piety, they will hide the truth together, hide fear, share sorrow, and help the elderly disperse and bear the fear from "death" together.
This explanation is more selfless, but it also has drawbacks. If you think about it, this is obviously the "Chinese-style big parent" style, where there are authoritative people in the family to make decisions for others, on the grounds that "I am helping you" and this is "for your own good".
In fact, telling the truth, it is up to the grandmother to decide how to spend the last moments of her life, which is not necessarily filial piety and more respectful to the elderly. It's like the movie Get Out! Xiong Dun, the heroine of "Tumor Jun", is precisely because she knows her physical condition, she will fulfill her wishes in the limited life time, and finally complete the understanding that others cannot get out of in their lifetime.
3. Think that the elderly are too physically and mentally fragile.
Chinese don't know when, you have an experience – if you tell an old man the fact that he has cancer, he will probably die soon. Behind this reasoning, there is actually a stubborn view that people think that the elderly are physically and mentally fragile.
In the movie, Billy's mother warns her daughter in the same way. She said that fear was more terrible than death, and she thought that the old grandmother simply could not bear the fear of death, and cited an old man next to her who died quickly because he was declared terminal cancer, as an example of Billy who did not understand.
So, as a family member, if you tell the truth, it hurts
Therefore, if you do not hide the truth, there is no filial piety.
So, don't tell her!
The family in "Don't Tell Her" decided not to let their grandmother know the bad news for the above three reasons, and they carefully planned a fake wedding ceremony to return to China as an excuse for the family members living in other countries to go to see their grandmother for the last time.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > two, should I "tell her"? There are 3 kinds of harms behind the "Chinese-style lie"</h1>
Regarding the "Chinese-style lie", someone once asked the director Wang Ziyi, "Do you think this kind of lie is right?" ”
Wang Ziyi was very conflicted: "I don't know what is right. What I do know is that this lie allowed me and my grandmother to spend three months in China. It allowed me to have all these experiences with my family that wouldn't normally have. But on a moral level, I'm still very conflicted. ”
The Chinese actress Okafina in the film, the first reaction is that it is a wrong way to hide her illness. But after shooting this film, she expressed understanding: "It's all because of love" However, understanding does not mean right, love a person, first of all respect, not for the decision for the person.
In Don't Tell Her, Billie chooses not to offend Chinese tradition. Even when she said goodbye to her grandmother, she uttered such a lie: "I will come back to see you soon". This film is full of warmth from beginning to end, but I have to admit that the damage to family relations, mutual love, and especially the lack of death education in the film is only point to point and not deeply investigated. In fact, behind the "Chinese-style lie", there are 3 kinds of hidden harms:
1. "Chinese-style lies" can cause children to have a deep fear of death.
There is a saying in "Detective Conan" that makes a lot of sense: fear of death is more terrible than death!
"About death", the more parents are reluctant to talk to their children, the more secretive they are, the more curious the children are, and the deeper the sense of fear they finally feel. Even, it will become a dilemma that the child cannot break through in his lifetime.
Because the "Chinese lie" is a white lie told for the purpose of protection because the other party is afraid that the other party will not be able to bear it, it will not really teach children to correctly understand death, but only avoid talking about it, and the result is often just "covering their ears and stealing bells". The lie may once make the other party feel that he has let death be far away, and has no impact on life for the time being, but once the other party understands the truth, he will feel that it is the most terrible existence in the world.
The story of "hiding diseases and avoiding medical treatment" in ancient China is an obvious "Chinese lie", because of the fear of getting sick, so simply do not seek medical treatment. But whether it is healed or not, the disease is there, it will not change, but it will delay the disease. In the same way, death is the same, everyone will experience it, whether you avoid it or not, it exists.
As the Japanese documentary "The Fruits of Life" said: "Now people are more and more afraid to discuss the end of life, and it is slowly stopping appearing on television, people are disgusted, but it will come." ”
Many things, which were not so terrible at first, produced great fear because of the unknown. Death will eventually happen, and instead of running away, it is better to face it positively.
2. Children will continue the practice of "Chinese-style big parents" in the name of "good for you"
In "Don't Tell Her", every adult replicates the "Chinese patriarch" approach.
Grandmother is a typical "Chinese patriarch", she is an unshakable authority in the family, but also a mediator of contradictions in the family, she looks very gentle on the outside, but in fact she is extremely controlling. For example, in the process of preparing for the wedding banquet, she was worried about whether to use lobster or crab on the recipe book of the "fake wedding banquet".
The children have grown up, started a family, immigrated to other countries, and the family members have unanimously chosen to hide the fact of their grandmother, placing the grandmother in a passive, protected role, just like the mother protected herself when she was a child, which is the continuation and replication of the "Chinese-style patriarch" approach.
In contrast, in the real Chinese family, "don't tell her" is everywhere, which is simply the norm in life. Because of worry, simply keep the other person in the dark and put the other person in a passive, pampered area. The good news is not reported, and everyone tacitly acknowledges it.
This kind of "Chinese-style big parent" approach, which seems to be "for your own good", is full of control, is a suffocating mode of getting along, and its harm cannot be underestimated, such as the emergence of "helicopter parents", which makes many people feel heavy and morally bound.
3. "Chinese-style lies" lead to children not valuing time and even wasting the rest of their lives.
"Chinese-style lies" are originally designed to protect children's young minds, but children have no chance to face death head-on, and usually adults do not seriously talk about this topic with children, so many people grow up to be adults and know nothing about death. For example, many children today do not realize the preciousness of time and life, they do not understand that life is limited and tomorrow is unknown.
Because of ignorance, they act recklessly. So make an event that does not cherish life. For example, taking a life, fighting, etc., because they feel that life is impermanent and this kind of thing will never happen to them.
At the same time, children who do not understand life and death always think that there are a lot of days that can be used to squander, so they live in a foggy way, and they do not realize the years. Many children are almost 30 years old, still living in the ivory tower, youth has passed, they do not realize that life is limited, do not know how to chase their dreams while young, so they spend the rest of their lives.
Just like the grandmother of "Don't Tell Her", she is sorry after all, because she has no idea, she thinks that life will be business as usual, she thinks that she will come to Japan for a long time...
Third, with an open and honest attitude, crack the Chinese lie and the lack of "death education"
The meaning of a film is to give people inspiration and reflection.
In "Don't Tell Her", the heroine Billie presents such entanglements and contradictions: she is unfamiliar with everything in China, and wonders what "beauty" and "cupping" mean? She grew up with her parents abroad, so she did not see her grandfather for the last time, and now her grandmother is about to die, carrying her childhood memories and bonds that she has lost. Faced with Chinese white lies and inner regrets, as well as Western culture, she was a little overwhelmed, but in the end she chose to respect the traditional culture of the Chinese family. This is probably also the reflection of the director's heart: is it good or not to say that "Chinese-style lies" is good? For the missing "death education", how should the rift be filled? How to resolve the contradiction between the two?
1. In the face of death, an open, honest attitude makes people cherish time more.
Studies have shown that it is far better to discuss death openly and honestly than to understand it alone or to suddenly learn the truth. Especially for the modern era with developed information, since it will be faced sooner or later, why hide the truth?
In real life, not everyone can be like the grandmother in "Don't Tell Her" and is well hidden until she dies. For the elderly, when they learn that they are about to face death, they will cherish life more: one is to be more tolerant of the people or things around them; the other is to adjust their mentality in time when they encounter difficulties. Don't get angry and hurt your body because of small things; the third is to try to live your precious time without regrets.
For children, compared with the Chinese white lies, once they know that the elderly in the family are about to die, they will cherish the time in front of them more and fulfill their filial piety early.
For young children, by guiding children in the right way to recognize the relationship between death and life, children will know how to respect life more.
2. Proper death education can make people live more actively.
Jobsan said that his life was a life of "living to die" . Speaking at Stanford, he said, "Since then, 33 years later, I've been looking in the mirror every morning and asking myself: If today were the last day of my life, would you accomplish what you want to do today?" He even went so far as to say, "Death is the greatest invention of life." ”
In the semi-finals of the fifth season of "Strange Story", Qiu Chen also admitted that she had been diagnosed with thyroid malignancy and lymph node metastasis, which made her have to face death, she said: "Only face it... Willing to talk about it... We can fight it. ”
It follows that only by facing death can we understand the true meaning of life and live more actively.
3. It is best to discuss it at the right time.
As a parent, when one day, my child asks, "Will I die?", the child at this time, it should be the child who has a curiosity about the relationship between death and life, and this is the best time to discuss.
I don't think I'm going to choose white lies and avoid talking about it like the family in Don't Tell Her, I'll try to discuss death with him, tell him that every one of us will die, but there will be no regrets in living well. Of course, I will also tell him that his parents will die one day in a way that he can understand, and because he is destined to be separated, we have to love each other for a limited time. At the same time, if there are plants, pets, relatives and friends who have passed away in life, parents should learn to tell them in a way that their children understand, and comfort them.
As a child, if one day, when my parents are about to die, ask me: "How is my illness" This time should be the time when parents have feelings, and it is the best time to tell each other frankly. Because true filial piety is not only to make everything as usual, but also to respect, to communicate equally, and to let parents leave no regrets in their last days.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > concluding remarks:</h1>
In short, "Don't Tell Her" allows us to see the serious lack of death education behind the "Chinese lie", and gives us a profound reflection - without a correct understanding of life and death, most of us will be more afraid because there is no good exit when facing this unknown fear, and the taboo of discussion makes us not get reasonable guidance from childhood, and as a result, almost most Chinese families regard "death" as a terrible thing.
The key to cracking the Chinese lie and the lack of "death education" is an open and honest attitude, when we are willing to talk about death, we can understand the preciousness of living, so as not to covet pleasure and lazy life, but to know how to use the limited time to actively practice their own wonderful life.
I am @ Xiaoxiao, a parenting problem expert, a creator in the field of health, and an original author in the field of multi-platform parenting, welcome to follow, forward and leave a message.