Many people live a life without a sense of boundaries, some are self-aware, some are not self-aware, and the same is true, they will feel pain.
Fan Shengmei in "Ode to Joy", obviously makes a lot of money, but she is dragged down by her mother and brother, takes on too many family responsibilities, and is overwhelmed.
Actor Cai Shaofen, at the age of 18, entered the show business circle and desperately tried to earn money to help her mother pay off gambling debts. It was not until the age of 35 that he decided to end this improper mother-daughter relationship and chose to live his life back.
Known as the "daughter of Hong Kong", Mui Yanfang, who sells singing at the age of four and a half, drops out of school at the age of fourteen to earn money in a dance hall to support her family, and has always served as a cash cow for her mother and brother. Even after she died of cancer, her mother scolded her wax figure and accused her of donating her inheritance.
We seem to be particularly afraid of having a bad relationship with our mother and want to prove that her mother loves herself. No matter what our parents ask us to do, even if it is not what we should bear, for the sake of so-called "filial piety", we must bear it hard. In order not to have a "gap" with our mother, for the sake of "intimacy" that we want too much, we lose our boundaries and bear too much. The word "intimate" aptly expresses our pursuit of intimacy and the rejection of gaps. It seems that only when everyone sets their boundaries can two people truly merge and become intimate.
But without boundaries, it is easy to lose yourself.
In a culture that focuses on collective consciousness, the individual's sense of existence is weakened. Children feel very wronged, parents feel wronged. In the older generation, especially mothers, the phenomenon of self-sacrifice for the sake of the family is too common. Mothers give up the pursuit of self, focusing all the focus of their lives on their husbands and children, and if the relationship with their husbands is average, the focus is all transferred to the children.
The child is her life, the child is her all, and no one asks her, where has she gone herself? The following situations arise:
From the beginning of the child's infancy, it is cared for by the mother alone, everything is arranged by the mother, and the child cannot eat by himself when he goes to kindergarten.
The child is already adolescence, and the mother does not knock on the door and goes into the bedroom, looks through the child's diary, and supervises the child's emotional condition.
The child went to college, and the mother's heart was empty, and she had to ask the child three times a day whether the child was full and warm.
In such a mother-child relationship, in order to pursue a close and inseparable relationship with the child, the mother breaks the boundary between mother and child, and is eager to let the two become one, once the child wants to break free, the mother will be in pain and resist.
In such an intimate relationship, is the child really happy? Your mother sacrificed herself for you, don't you still filial piety to her? Emotional oppression comes to you, you want to flee, but you dare not flee, because once you want to escape, you have to carry a heavy moral pressure.
When you accept her love without boundaries, you have to endure her control without boundaries. If you had known that this was the result, wouldn't you have preferred not to have her self-sacrificing love?
The same is true between partners. When he or she abandons himself and hugs you, you may be enjoying it, or even complacently thinking that he or she cannot live without you and meet your need for security. But when the desire for control that accompanies this love strikes, can you resist?
The short film "He Shed Skin for Me" tells the story of the heroine asking the male protagonist to be completely "honest with each other", and the male protagonist really did this, fading the skin for her. At first, the female protagonist enjoyed the male protagonist's efforts very much, but over time, she would also hate the blood left everywhere by the male protagonist because he did not have skin. The male protagonist also wants the female protagonist to fade his skin like him one day, but at this time, the female protagonist's face shows a frightened expression.
Why would anyone want to throw away the boundaries between themselves and others?
Because he thought he would feel safe that way.
The sense of security is something like your body temperature. If you can't produce body temperature yourself, and always rely on the outside world to get warmth, this is bound to be unsustainable. Relying on the sense of security obtained by the outside world, the price to be paid is large, and it is necessary to see the mood of others if it is not given, so why bother? We know we have power.
It's like in winter, a naked person humbly asks for a hug, forgetting that he can dress himself. In the process, he is completely unaware that his actions have caused trouble to others.
After Hearing about her boyfriend's troubles at work, Xiaohua was so worried that she couldn't sleep at night. The boyfriend's feelings are her feelings.
After Breaking up with his girlfriend, Xiao Li fell into great pain, he felt that only being loved by his girlfriend was valuable, and he could not accept the fact that he did not have a girlfriend.
Look, there's no sense of boundaries, how scary.
That's because the sense of security at the expense of the self is often accompanied by great pain.
I have a friend who is deeply troubled by his mother's control, and he is very disgusted with his mother in his heart, but on the surface he has to cater to it, and he is very entangled. Until one day, he was no longer controlled by his dislike of his mother, and began to think about why his mother did what she did, that he realized that her mother had nothing to rely on except him, and had nothing to do but control him.
After understanding his mother, he no longer directly rebelled against her control, but took the initiative to show her her ability to live and reassure her mother. And found an interest class for the mother, to help the mother build a friendship relationship, so that the mother's strength can be released, and guide the mother's eyes back to herself.
Helping others learn the right way to find a sense of security and actively construct a sense of boundaries is a great way to get rid of the control of others. It's like helping a naked man find clothes and guiding him to warm himself. At this time, you hug each other again, which is considered to be warm to each other. Don't covet the excessive efforts of others, everything that fate has given you is secretly marked with a price.
If you are a person with a weak sense of boundaries, always bluring boundaries with others in exchange for a sense of security and intimacy, please examine yourself, is it too dependent on others? Are your emotions influenced by someone else's every move? Do you always want to control someone else's every move? Is it hard to say no to others?
If yes, it's time to get out of this state. Through the above few questions, you can also see that you are not so much trying to control others as you are always controlled by the outside world.
You abandon boundaries with others and want to control others, and in the process, it is you who are really controlled.
A little wind and grass in the outside world can always cause you to be restless, your self is extremely unstable, very susceptible to external interference, which is your "psychological skin barrier" is not strong, that is, the result of the destruction of the sense of boundaries.
In the case of your parents, their "You are really useless" makes you easily hurt.
In friends, their words "Why are you so fat" make you feel ashamed.
In your partner's place, their glance at the opposite sex makes you panic.
It's time to distinguish yourself from the outside world. You are a unique individual who is independent of the outside world and has your own characteristics and advantages. The evaluation of the outside world and your own actual situation are often inconsistent, and your understanding and evaluation of others will be far from the actual situation of others.
Evaluations, expectations, needs, emotions, etc. from others have nothing to do with you. You don't have to be responsible for other people's bad emotions, excessive expectations, and urgent needs, and the part that belongs to you must be responsible. The premise of this is to distinguish oneself from the outside world and re-establish a sense of boundaries.
Only in this way, when you face excessive harshness from your parents and leaders, you will not think that you are really not doing well enough, you will know that what you have done is far above the qualifying line, and the reason why they are dissatisfied is because they have not met their psychological expectations, which is their business.
Distinguish between yourself and others, the inappropriate words and deeds of others will not easily hurt you, and you will not constantly fall into self-doubt and self-denial. Of course, we also need to guard against the other extreme, that is, too indifferent to think about others, but we should be clear that too much consideration and consideration for others premised on sacrificing ourselves is very harmful to ourselves. What's more, there are many people who are not worthy of your consideration and consideration, and another part of the people who love you can't bear to let you wronged yourself to complete others.
Life without boundaries is chaotic because you always want to be responsible for others, you are particularly tired, and you are not well cared for yourself. You are responsible for other people's bad emotions, making yourself suffer from gains and losses, and others are likely to not feel your concern and think that it is "control". At this time, if you are stupid, it is likely that the relationship will be broken.
Relax, allow yourself to take a deep breath, re-experience your presence, experience your feelings.
You are not insignificant, you are important, and your sadness and loss are more worthy of your own care. Only when your own sorrow and loss are treated gently, you have the strength to care for the people you love.
It's about building boundaries for better intimacy.
Focusing on yourself first and establishing boundaries is not to prevent you from caring for others, nor is it to prevent you from establishing intimate relationships with others, on the contrary, to establish a sense of boundaries in order to establish better and more positive intimacy.
In a positive, healthy intimate relationship, it's two people dancing together in dresses. The distance between you and him is to allow you to dance more harmoniously, which is not a symbol of intimacy.
Don't be afraid not to be intimate.
We are not infants long ago, and we will not die without leaving our mother's arms. Every adult needs the right space, which is what is normal.
If you are really afraid of having a distance from the other party, you can show your worries to the other party generously, I believe that the person who loves you will not bear to let you be so frightened, and will definitely hug you and touch your head.
John Bressio mentioned in "Don't Be Hurt Forever in Childhood" that people who lack self-awareness cannot establish intimate relationships with people. One way to develop a strong sense of self is to establish strong boundaries for yourself.
The boundaries of the body protect our bodies, and the body warns whenever someone gets too close or touches in an inappropriate way;
The boundaries of sex guarantee that we are safe and comfortable in our sexual relationship. People with unstable sexual boundaries tend to have sex with people when they are not willing;
Emotional boundaries allow us to see the boundaries between our own emotions and those of others, and allow us to be clear when our emotions concern ourselves and when they concern others.
The boundaries of reason and mind determine our beliefs and values.
Re-establish a sense of boundaries, build a sense of self, and discover a sense of security that stems from oneself.
Get rid of the control of others/give up control of others and regain the initiative in life.
This is our lifelong practice.