"If you don't understand the movie, do you know how lucky you are?"
In the past two days, the film "Dog Thirteen", directed by director Cao Baoping and sealed for five years, was released in theaters.
The film mainly tells the story of a 13-year-old girl Li Play who was successfully "domesticated".
His parents divorced and they reorganized their families, and Li Play grew up with his grandparents.
Her name is casually taken and played, while her brother's name should be well taken.
She liked physics, but her father forced her to go to an English group because she didn't speak English well.
She can't drink milk, and she will throw up every time she drinks it, but adults will drink it on the grounds that drinking milk is good for her body.
This lonely, sensitive and rebellious teenage girl had only a puppy named Albert Einstein.
She ate with Einstein and slept in the same bed, and to Lee played, Einstein was her friend.
However, Einstein was lost by his grandfather.
To appease her, the stepmother thought of a "clever" way: buy an identical dog.
The adults told her it was Einstein.
You see, how "stupid" children are, they can't recognize friends who get along day and night.
Lee played crazy and ran out in search of her Einstein.
Because of her "willfulness" this time, Grandpa was injured, and Grandma almost lost.
"Isn't it just a dog?" Is the dog important, or is the grandparents important? ”
In order to "resist" his father, Li Play deliberately provoked in front of his father and "blew the bottle" on the spot.
"Rightfully" in exchange for a violent beating from his father.
After the violent beating, his father said to Li Play: "Dad beat you because Dad loves you." ”
She learned to be obedient.
Get along well with the puppy that Sai gave her, accept that it is Einstein, and learn English according to her father's arrangement.
However, because his brother was scared to cry by Einstein, his stepmother threw up to send Einstein to the dog meat shop.
She cried and begged her father not to send Einstein to the dog meat shop, but his father drove away.
Later, Li Play participated in the provincial English competition, but she stumbled, but she won the first place in the provincial physics competition.
Father was happy and said that any wish she could fulfill today could be fulfilled.
"I want to know which dog meat shop you sent Einstein to."
Her father drove her to a stray dog shelter, but Einstein had died of hunger strike.
Einstein is dead, and so is the former Lee Play.
At the celebration banquet, Li playfully toasted with the elders, and in the face of the "braised dog meat" that Uncle Six specially ordered for her, he just smiled calmly and said, "Thank you Uncle." ”
Then he clipped a piece of dog meat, looked at it woodenly, and chewed it in a big mouth.
At the end of the film, she re-meets the lost Einstein on the street, and Einstein has a new owner.
Lee didn't ask Einstein to come over, and was even glad that Einstein didn't recognize her.
She just chose to hide alone in a place where no one could see and wept silently.
On the wall next to it, there is also a dog hunting notice that she has personally pasted and has now become obscure and mutilated.
Li Play "grew up" smoothly and became a good child who understood things in the eyes of his family.
But this kind of "growth" is not a cocoon into a butterfly, more like a kind of "domestication", a kind of "passive growth", until it becomes a similar social person.
Endure the pain to pull out the thorns on the body, leaving a bloody wound, after a long time, the wound will no longer bleed, and the scab will still faintly hurt after the scar.
How much influence do parents have on their children's three views?
I know that every answer below this question is almost like an "epitaph".
"When I found that the content, tone, and demeanor of my complaints were exactly the same as those of my family, I felt a chill creep up my spine, deeply helpless and sad, unforgettable." "While I was miserable because of my parents' education in my childhood, I treated my children in the same way! Then fall into self-blame. ”
Why can't you escape this look that even you hate?
In fact, this has to do with our attachment relationship with our parents.
The influence of the family of origin on children is secretive and lasting.
When we are babies, we gain a sense of security from our parents, and the attachment patterns of infancy have become a part of us as we grow up.
This "intergenerational inheritance" makes us so similar to our parents.
"We will inherit or reproduce family trauma, but we must face our own destiny, no matter how difficult the process may be," Said Hellinger. ”
Most of the childhood trauma stems from our failure to be understood and respected.
We are so weak that we can only cling to our parents.
Generally speaking, there are three coping styles for dealing with injuries.
1. Avoidance
When adopting an avoidant coping style, it is common to flee from the original situation, try to fill your life, and allow yourself to avoid thinking about past situations, perhaps excessive drinking, sex, or becoming a workaholic, or even avoiding intimate relationships.
2. Submission
When adopting a submissive coping style, they will take the initiative to give up the struggle, choose to accept, and even recreate the previous pattern, projecting the relationship with their parents onto their partners and treating them as their "parents".
3. Overcompensation
When adopting an over-compensating coping style, it will fight through thinking, feeling, behavior, and interpersonal relationships, and will try to make the adult self different from childhood, to some extent, over-compensating can be seen as a beneficial attempt, but too late, the inner self can still feel the pressure of the imminent outbreak.
Chen Qiaoen once said in a program that his mother was very strict with him when he was a child.
So much so that until now she didn't know how to get along with her mother, and she wasn't used to having intimate physical contact with her.
"Because my mom loves to beat me up."
Swearing was common for her, and she had been beaten to the point of bleeding in the back.
So at the age of 18, Chen Qiao'en went out alone.
But for a long time, emotionally deprived, she closed herself off, refused to socialize, did not go out for a long time, and only talked to her kittens.
After so many years, the current Chen Qiao'en is no longer the helpless little girl she was then, but the mention of her mother still has tears in her eyes, and even turns back unconsciously, afraid of the figure of her mother behind her.
In fact, we re-open the wound that has been scabbed, not to torture ourselves or blame our parents, but to draw strength and heal ourselves from the wounds that have already been formed.
Just like the movie "Dog Thirteen" does not simply oppose children and parents.
Can you say that parents don't love their children?
Father, grandpa, grandma, everyone loves Lee to play.
Even from their standpoint, it can be said that they are trying to love Lee to play, in their own way.
And grandpa is not like this to his father?
It doesn't seem to make a difference to hurt generations of reincarnation.
But love is not only an ability, it also requires a way.
Often our family affection has a window period, that is, within 5 years after the birth of the child, it is a critical period to establish a lifelong relationship with the parents, if the parents abandon the child during this period, then the day after tomorrow to cultivate the child, the parents and the child will find that there is a gap between each other.
If unfortunate, they may find themselves orphaned on a spiritual level – no one in this world can belong to her entirely, which constitutes a lifelong "anxiety of survival"– no sense of belonging, hollowed out inside, feeling like a floating, without roots.
Then they often enter kindergarten, or when they are school age, they are suddenly "discovered" by their parents, who try to rebuild their relationship with their children, but this reconstruction work is based on learning and eating and drinking Lasa as a connection point, but if there is no emotional basis, parental discipline often becomes a controlled and deprived relationship with the child.
Of course, there are also unfortunate children who find themselves unable to get the attention of their parents all the time, their parents are busy with work, or busy arguing, and they have no time to take care of their children, or the level of narcissism of their parents is not high enough to understand their children's feelings deeply.
Injury + loneliness = trauma = long-term complex = pattern of behavior and thought that runs centered on the complex = destiny.
The famous psychoanalyst Shi Qijia once said: "There is no life without trauma, only the result without trauma."
I have a good friend.
She is very gentle in nature, always speaking softly, and people who know her well say that they have never seen her lose her temper.
However, she said that she had a mother with a strong personality. From what clothes to wear, to what major to learn, all have to intervene.
"I'm doing it for your own good."
"If it weren't for you being my daughter, I would have put so much thought into you?"
Later, she had a boyfriend and always got along with him in a passive, submissive manner.
"I felt like a puppy that my mom had dressed her up, and now I've found a master for myself."
For the previous generation, they always tried to control their own lives, and when they found that their lives were out of control, they wanted to put their sense of control on their children.
Many abandoned, alienated children don't have the opportunity to play "hide-and-seek" as children — families like these often don't have a space to deal with their trauma. They only play "hide-and-seek" when they grow up.
So you will see all kinds of scum men and good family girls. The participant in such a tragedy is also an adult, but her performance is clearly a school-age baby, why is this so? The reason is clear, because she tried to play this game of "hide-and-seek" as well as adulthood, because this game was related to her trauma.
Her wounds never healed, and she had to try to regain her sense of control.
The best way is not to find a good man, but to find a bad man, and then this bad man conscience finds better.
The version of this story is closest to the version she experienced as a child, only the ending changes to bright.
That's why she can't enjoy a good life, because she can't step out of the inner world and connect herself to the outside world.
The first stage: the most important thing for them is safety. Security is about stability and order and following.
The second stage is storytelling. Growth can only really begin when one can touch one's own pain.
Love is bound to connect with pain, and pleasure is only the sugar coating in the bitter medicine, but once we can touch the pain that is connected with love, love will really bring us growth, so that we can transcend the past and live in the present and the future.
Only then can we have a second life and embrace a more complete and warm mother.