Why are young people increasingly reluctant to get married? What factors reduce young people's desire for marriage?
The Central Committee of the Communist Youth League released a report that conducted an in-depth survey of 2,905 unmarried urban youth aged 18 to 26.
It is mentioned that more and more young people are wandering outside the palace of marriage, and the postponement of the age of marriage and the low willingness of young people to marry and love have become hidden worries in the whole society.
Someone said: "I haven't enjoyed enough single life, I want to get my job done first, then buy my own house, and then talk about it after I get married." ”
Someone said, "I don't want to settle down, but it's hard to find the right person to marry." ”
Among the reasons that affect the willingness to marry, the first place is "it is difficult to find the right person", accounting for 60.8%.
A young man who participated in the survey said: "Maybe in the future I will meet the right person and enter the palace of marriage together, but if I can't find it, I can also live alone, and I will never go on a blind date for the sake of getting married." ”
What is "suitable", perhaps the door-to-door pair, the three views fit, perhaps the appearance is comparable, the inner match, no one can say what their clear standard for "appropriate" is.
Suitability is both a rational consideration of the conditions of external conditions and a perceptual trend in the spiritual world, and it is even more difficult to find a "suitable" person than emotional love.
Marriage, is it important to love or appropriate? What requirements are met to qualify?
I've seen an analogy where it's almost impossible to find two stones that overlap completely on a barren mountain full of stones, but if you polish them all, they can overlap, so the fitting is not found, but together.
So, in what ways should two different "stones" be polished, which will not only help the marriage management, but also not erase their respective growth?
Known as the "Pope of Marriage", John Gottman, best known for his work "The Five Languages of Love", he proposed in another book, "Eight Dates of Love", that a lifetime of intimacy begins with meaningful dialogue, as a partner for the rest of their lives, two people must explore the 8 themes together, that is, trust, conflict, sex, money, family, entertainment, growth, dreams.
Couples and couples who have not talked deeply about these 8 themes cannot be called understanding each other.
trust
The most basic and important conditions for marriage are loyalty and trust, but the problem is that two people may not have the same standard of fidelity.
Some people think that loyalty is the unity of body and mind, that any spiritual cross-border communication with the other opposite sex breaks loyalty, and that loyalty is limited to the body.
People with different definitions of loyalty cannot trust each other.
The author mentions a couple who were at a party together, and while the husband was chatting with a woman, his wife suddenly came over and interrupted him, saying that she wanted to go home.
She said she and her husband had never had such a good conversation, so she was particularly angry.
The author found that their problem is that they are not fully committed to each other, although they have married and had children, but they have not established a mechanism for trust, investment, or even the cornerstone of loyalty to each other.
Just a party, you will wonder if the other party has met a better person, whether they have chosen the wrong person, such a marriage is vulnerable.
Trust is built in time and in-depth communication, and trust will slowly arise when you can listen to each other like friends, feel safe when you are with each other, and accept each other's vulnerable side.
conflict
Marriage represents the combination of two people with different growth backgrounds, living habits, and personalities, and these differences will make the marriage conflict continuously, and the attitude towards conflict determines whether two people can run into each other and adapt to each other in conflict.
John Gottman believes that although resolving the contradictions between two people can enhance the feelings of two people, in most cases, couples will quarrel over the same problems again and again, that is, many contradictions are actually insoluble.
Therefore, the happiness of a marriage often does not depend on whether the two can find a way to resolve the conflict, but on the ability to get along with the conflict, that is, whether they can honestly face the differences between each other when the conflict occurs, and strive to understand each other and accept the differences.
Sex
Everyone wants to maintain a passionate, intimate relationship, and everything that happens in the bedroom can both establish and destroy the connection between partners.
A partner who can't talk about sex is not called an "intimate relationship", talking about sex does not mean embarrassing, humiliating, or serious, and two people can easily and honestly and naturally talk about the topic.
money
Whether your savings are plentiful or stretched, money is one of the top five causes of conflict between couples, and working and pursuing money can become a "third party" in intimate relationships.
Money plays the same role and importance in everyone's life.
The book tells of a couple, the husband is accustomed to taking precautions, must save at least the next 6 months of rent and daily water and electricity and other expenses, in order to be at ease; the wife believes that life is short, excess money should be used for entertainment and relaxation.
Later the husband got an inheritance and he wanted to save it all; the wife wanted to use the money to travel, and they always dreamed of going to Southeast Asia.
Different experiences create different views of money, and the union of two people means the fusion of money-related experiences, so it is crucial to understand your own and each other's "money experiences".
How much is "enough money"? How much income can it bring to the family? How much time are you willing to spend with each other and take on housework?
It is never too early or too late to understand each other's views on money and money history.
Family
Everyone knows that family is the most important thing after marriage, but what is family? Is it just you and your partner, or are you including each other's family? Want kids, or want a few kids?
For different people, family means different things.
Family is traditionally defined as four elderly people who are kind, a couple with similar interests, and two lovely children. But today's family may not only have you and your partner, but also relatives, pets, and close friends.
What does your ideal family look like? Only with a common vision can there be a common direction.
amusement
Howard Markman, a psychology professor at the University of Denver, said: "Entertainment and marital satisfaction are highly positively correlated, and the more you invest in recreational activities and friendships between the two parties, the happier the relationship will be." ”
When the two play together, they also cultivate a sense of trust and intimacy with each other. Just as children learn to cooperate through play, you can also cultivate a tacit understanding of cooperation through play.
When two people first start dating, they spend a lot of time to have fun, so dating at that time will be very fresh and exciting.
After entering a stable relationship, many people stop these activities and the relationship slowly fades.
grow
There is a saying: I like you, in addition to liking you, but also because I like myself when I am with you.
Because with you, each other becomes a better person, grows together, this is good love.
Marriage is not just a superficial union of two individuals, but also can witness each other's transformation, find meaning in life, and make the world a better place.
dream
Marriage is your common life dream, but everyone has a personal dream that is important to themselves, and being able to share each other's dreams, whether professional or life, the relationship will be full of passion and vitality.
Dreams are the desires you dream of, and if you don't share them, or even let your partner know about them, conflicts and contradictions are bound to arise.
What is your deepest dream? Why do you have this dream? What does this dream mean to you? How will it feel when you achieve it? How can we help each other achieve their dreams? In what way do we dream together?
There is a story behind every dream, and it may sound distant, even ridiculous, but you are willing to listen to each other and imagine together to achieve spiritual connection.
Marriage is the most important adventure in a person's life, and it is worth taking the time to get to know each other before entering marriage, the courage to share our inner world after entering marriage, and never stop exploring his world, understanding and accepting each other.
Without understanding, there is no fit, let alone love.
Click [in the watch], sincere people, deserve to have the best love.
Author | Kale, write other people's stories well, live your own life.
Image | Visual China