▲ Image source: c_miya
01
Between dinner and sleep,
The home is like a "war zone"
▲ 图片来源：Youngchae Lee
In Mr. Shen Jiahong's psychological counseling work for more than 30 years, lack of motivation to learn and boredom are one of the most common problems that come to counseling, and he is often asked:
❍ What should I do if my child is very smart, but he doesn't like to learn?
❍ Why is it that as long as my children and I don't talk about learning, everything is calm, and when we talk about learning, we will jump around?
❍ What should I do if my child doesn't want to go to school anymore?
One parent said: "The time between dinner and going to bed was very worrying for us because we were constantly 'fighting' during this time. It's like a 'war zone' at home."
Nowadays, the phenomenon of lack of motivation to learn is becoming more and more common, and the age of children who are tired of school is gradually getting younger. According to statistics, the proportion of school-age children who are bored with school is increasing year by year, and there will be an average of one or two children who are tired of school in each class, and the phenomenon of insufficient motivation for learning is more common.
Especially in the past few years, many children are accustomed to online classes, and their learning status and learning rhythm have undergone some changes.
Moreover, lack of motivation to study, boredom in school, often bring some anxious emotional problems, serious and even accompanied by depression, physical problems, these families are usually facing unprecedented pressure.
When faced with these problems, some parents will feel that it is not a shameful thing for their children not to want to learn, so they will find some ways to deal with this problem on their own, usually until there is a more serious condition, such as depression or somatization symptoms before seeking external help.
Therefore, if the child is not motivated to learn, it is difficult for the parent or child to get support at the beginning, and the parents will also have a lot of emotions at this time, and the pressure will be passed on to the child, which will lead to increasing pressure on the whole family.
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02
Why don't children love learning?
▲ 图片来源：Youngchae Lee
Why don't children love to learn?
Teacher Shen Jiahong thinks that many times children don't like to learn because parents love learning too much, and there is no room for children to love it.
If parents work harder than their children when it comes to solving their children's problems, their children will only get worse instead of getting stronger.
If 95% of all the energy your child spends on the process of achieving success comes from your efforts, then you will only give your child 5% room to work hard.
If you are frustrated or anxious and you add more "chips", or even more to occupy 98% of your energy, and have everything firmly in your hands, then your child can only react to this by taking a step back and making only 2% effort.
—Dr. William Stiksrud / Ned Johnson
Self-Driven Growth
Therefore, many families with insufficient motivation to learn have some things in common: parents keep instilling, and children keep running away; Parents kept urging, and the children desperately hid.
As soon as many parents get home from work, their children ask how their homework is doing. If the child does not do his homework well, the parent will ask him every once in a while. The most talked about topics between parents and children is almost all about learning:
❍ Have you finished your homework?
❍ What did your teacher say;
❍ Don't think too much, that's not a problem, your task now is to study hard......
As soon as you get home, your family will ask you:
❍ How are you at work today?
❍ Is your project still going well?
❍ Work isn't always fun, but I think you should go to the next level and have more options after that.
Hearing such words in what should be the most relaxing home, do you also find it difficult to relax and annoying? Do you also feel that your family doesn't care about you? Do you even think that I'm so tired and asked to do nothing?
If parents keep talking about learning and children, children will also feel that in the eyes of parents, I am just academic performance, they don't care about me at all, and I am not a learning machine!
It is difficult for children to feel the love of their parents in this kind of communication, they cannot establish a healthy emotional connection with their parents, and there is only learning in their learning and life, and there is no love, which is a very important reason for children to be tired of school.
And no matter how anxious and urging the parents are, the child is still not in a hurry, and even says, "I don't want to do my homework." Because the child thinks that I learn for the sake of my parents, it is a "task" that adults require them to complete, and if no one urges or supervises, then I will not learn.
The more parents do and the more frequent the supervision, the more serious the child's resistance will be, and the more he feels that learning has nothing to do with him.
After all, when faced with urgings and orders, most people's first reaction is to resist, not comply.
Eventually, parents will start to crack down on –
"Why is it that other people's children can learn well, but you can't learn well?"
"You're always so careless, no wonder you can't learn well!"
"You're not reading material at all."
This is easy to fall into a vicious circle, children are less and less confident, less and less motivated to learn, parents are getting tighter and tighter, feeling that children will not learn without watching, and children's learning space and interest are all occupied by parents.
Perhaps many parents feel that it is their job to supervise their children's homework, practice the piano, and participate in sports. And this will actually make parents more convinced of their original misconception that someone must be responsible for their children's affairs, and this person is not the children themselves.
When a child doesn't even have to think about it, because in a way, he knows in his heart that someone will eventually "ask" him to do something.
03
The child is not motivated to learn,
Start improving from these three areas
▲ 图片来源：Youngchae Lee
Almost all experts in child development, including influential psychologists and writers, advocate authoritative parenting. To achieve this parenting model, it takes support, not control.
Authoritative parents want to work with their children because they not only like and respect their children, but also want them to learn from their own experiences.
At least 60 years of research have confirmed that the most effective approach is authoritative parenting, which emphasizes self-directed and mature values rather than conformity. Through this parenting style, parents will send a message to their children: "I will do everything I can to help you succeed, but I will never try to force you to do what I say." ”
At the same time, authoritative parenting does not mean letting children go. They will still set limits for their children, and when parents feel that something is wrong, they will still speak their minds, but they will not control everything themselves.
With authoritative parenting, children whose brains are not yet fully developed do not have to spend a lot of energy rejecting what their parents are forcing them to do—often because of their parents' preferences, not their children's.
Because the development of the brain depends on how it is used. Giving children more control on their own can help their brains build up a circuit to cope with stress, so that they can recover quickly when stress strikes. As long as the child makes his own decision, such as choosing what he will wear when he goes out today, or decorating his room, it will activate the child's forehead cortex and make it respond effectively.
At this time, the brain grows and becomes stronger through the cultivation of this sense of control, so that it does not lose control in the first moment of stress.
—Dr. William Stiksrud / Ned Johnson
Self-Driven Growth
Therefore, to deal with the lack of motivation for learning, Mr. Shen Jiahong proposed that parents usually start from these three aspects:
▌ First, return learning to your children.
Some parents don't dare to completely return the learning to their children, thinking that if they are handed over to their children, they will stop learning and play games every day.
It is impossible for parents to manage and at the same time hope their children to study hard. As soon as parents take care of it, children feel oppressed, and when they are oppressed, they can only resist.
Parents want their children to study hard, and if they study hard, it will be difficult for them to find themselves, so they can only find themselves from not studying well.
▌ Second, parents should handle the relationship with their children.
There is only one thing parents have to do: love their children unconditionally and provide them with a safe place to belong. For children experiencing stress at school or elsewhere in life, families should be a safe haven, a place to rest and recover.
When a child feels that they are deeply loved by their parents, even in difficult situations, their resilience increases. If you always pay attention to your child's homework and make trouble with your child because of it, it will lead to school stress taking root at home. Therefore, those nagging, arguing, and reminding over and over are far less effective than a sentence of "I love you so much that I don't want to quarrel with you about homework".
Think of the child shouting "I'm home" when they play a game of scratching, and rely on this to prove that they are in a safe zone and can recuperate and regroup. When the home is a safe base, teens and children are freer to explore the possibilities of the outside world, but also in a healthy way. They would return to the base on a regular basis, both to check on the situation at home and to find a sense of security from the family.
▌ Third, cultivate children's sense of responsibility.
If parents manage when their children sleep, when they study, and when they can't play games anymore, their children don't have to take responsibility, because whoever takes care of them will take responsibility, so they should let their children take responsibility and manage their own affairs.
Parents can let their children start with the most basic things, for example, I often ask parents three questions:
❍ Who is cleaning the child's room?
❍ Who washes children's clothes?
❍ Who washes the bowl after the child eats?
If these basic daily tasks are done by the parents, will the children have the opportunity to take responsibility in the family? He doesn't need to take on anything that belongs to him, and if you want him to take responsibility for learning, I'm afraid the child doesn't have the ability to do so.
Therefore, starting from these three things, as long as parents persist and do not interfere, children can slowly change, and their sense of responsibility can slowly come out.
Parents should cultivate their children's ability to take responsibility and let them take responsibility for their own learning. To study, you must have a good mood, there is not too much pressure, he likes, loves, and is motivated, so that he can learn well.
- END -
"Systematically improve children's learning motivation
Empowering Parents to Grow》
How can children learn to be responsible for their learning?
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