In this society, the relationship between people is like an invisible web, where everything intersects and is always linked.
If you can have an intimate relationship, in the tacit understanding of helping each other, against the wind and rain in reality, it is indeed precious.
In order to take care of this rarity, it is necessary for us to learn to avoid these 4 "stealth attacks".
Otherwise, it's really like Eason Chan's lyrics:
"The stranger in the coming year is the dearest so-and-so yesterday."
The breakdown of the relationship is definitely an ending that no one likes.
Indifferent and perfunctory
Sigmund Freud famously said:
"Where there is no response, there is a desperate situation."
When getting along with people, if a person's initiative and enthusiasm are exchanged, the other party's perfunctory and cold will be exchanged.
After a long time, the relationship will inevitably fall into a difficult situation and will not continue any longer.
While we can't expect to be equally rewarded for our efforts in every relationship, the feeling of being in the sea is really devastating.
NightCaroline曾讲过她闺蜜林林的故事:
Lin Lin decided to break up with her boyfriend who had been in love for 5 years.
When they first got together, Lin Lin's boyfriend would always buy a lot of delicious food and wait for her downstairs in the dormitory, and would provide intimate service before and after the saddle.
But as time slowly passed, it seemed that this enthusiasm and concern had been taken away.
agreed to go to graduate school together, but her boyfriend couldn't be contacted for several days;
said that they would have dinner together, and their boyfriend always disappeared for various reasons.
Not to mention the "um", "oh" and "ah" when replying to messages.
Last month, it was her boyfriend's birthday, and Lin Lin prepared for a long time, buying cakes and gifts to celebrate him.
But he didn't say a word, and only cared about playing the game by himself.
Lin Lin cried on the phone:
"I was expecting to surprise him, but he turned a blind eye and didn't care."
Indeed, if perfunctory becomes a habit, where should love be placed?
As the writer Zhu Yuxin said:
"People's hearts are slowly cooling, how can there be discouragement in an instant, and some can only be seen through over time."
One side is full of interest, and the other side cherishes words like gold;
One side is passionate, the other side is not interesting;
In the end, it became a silent party, a silent side, and a dead silence.
If there is less sharing, there will be more estrangement, and a relationship will become more and more alienated;
More responses, fewer misunderstandings, and more bilateral interactions can be kept fresh.
Calculating
Nigerian Haji once said:
"Between people, only when they treat each other sincerely, they will be true friends.
Whoever calculates his friends is tantamount to deceiving himself. ”
It is easy to win a thousand gold, but it is difficult to win people's hearts.
Getting along with others is important in sincerity;
No one is a fool who, after being calculated and deceived, will only drift away.
Although the calculating party is temporarily greedy, the result often outweighs the loss.
reminds me of Manager Ye in the movie "Flying Life 2":
He and Zhang Chi were good friends, but when life was unsatisfactory when he was laid off, he was hired by another team.
Zhang Chi's original intention has not changed, and every time he sees Manager Ye, he is still the same.
It's just that Zhang Chi didn't expect that this friend who "fought side by side" and "was born and died" in the past has become "unrecognizable" in the face of money and interests.
He was polite to Zhang Chi on the surface, but behind the scenes, he was very ruthless and calculated Zhang Chi.
In order to force Zhang Chi to participate in the competition, he bribed Brother Liang of the organizing committee and asked him to deliberately arrange Zhang Chi and his team together.
He then connived at the team's change of car, with the goal of crashing the test car and keeping him out of the rally.
Unexpectedly, Zhang Chi and others got the evidence of the illegal device in the vehicle and won back the admission qualification.
Then, on the field, Manager Ye continued to stumble Zhang Chi.
Manager Ye directly found someone to cut off Zhang Chi's live broadcast screen, and asked the members of the lithography team to deliberately stop halfway to repair the car, waiting for Zhang Chi's vehicle to catch up and interfere.
Because of calculation, the former friendship became a joke.
Indeed, the relationship between people is like a credit card, the more calculations, the more overdrafts, and the faster the card will be frozen.
When the truth is revealed, there is a good chance that the one who plays tricks will be alienated and embarrassed by the former friendship.
Character fights to the end, and virtue is true wisdom.
Crossing borders
George ▪ Dade argues in his book The Boundaries of the Self:
"The so-called boundary is to let your business belong to you and my business to me."
The sense of boundaries is not only for strangers, even for intimate people, they also need breathing space, and in the comfort zone, the happiness index is higher.
If someone breaks the boundary, then the feeling of oppression and crampedness will not only appear in life, but also in relationships, making a relationship die.
Momo and a friend once shared a house together.
At first, the two got along fairly well.
When her friend got off work late, she always asked Momo to help her pick up the courier, and Momo didn't care too much about what she thought was convenient.
Gradually, Momo discovers that his friend doesn't regard him as an outsider at all.
Every day before getting off work, I sent her the pickup code, to catch up with the holiday promotion, and Momo had to run twice to finish moving.
Not only that, but her friends often spell orders with her, but they don't mention the payment.
The most angry thing is that one day after work, as soon as Momo entered the door, she saw a strange girl looking in the mirror in her newly bought dress, while her friend was still rummaging in her closet......
It turned out that it was a friend's cousin who came to play, and the friend didn't even see him looking for clothes for his cousin in Momo's closet to try on.
Momo almost fainted with anger, so he chose to cut off his friends and move out that weekend.
A blurred sense of boundaries will only bring annoyance and harm to others; Crossing the border is violating the legitimate rights of others.
Life is like a ruler, there must be a degree, no matter how good the relationship is, it also needs a square inch.
As Zeng Guofan did:
"Socialize with people, sparse and sparse."
A little distance to advance and retreat freely; is too intimate, but it is frequent;
Many relationships are often ruined by not knowing the distance and proximity, and the boundaries are clear in order to last for a long time.
Negation 贬Low
Liu Cixin said in "The Three-Body Problem":
"Weakness and ignorance are not obstacles to survival, arrogance is."
Arrogant people, who tend to be self-righteous, often deny and belittle others, causing intimacy to fall to freezing point.
In the Japanese drama "Home on the Ramp", after the heroine Shazi got married, she was constantly denied and belittled by her husband.
When she entered the workforce, was selected as a juror, and happily shared the good news with her husband, he was unimpressed:
"You're just a juror, don't talk like you're on a big job."
She hoped that if her husband didn't come home for dinner after work, he could tell herself in advance, so as not to make dinner in vain, but her husband indifferently told her that there was no need for this, and that she was troublesome.
Usually the husband also often says some habitual mantras, such as:
"You can't do anything", "You can't do anything so simple", "It's so disappointing to me", "Are you abnormal", ......
These ruthless negations and derogatory words filled her life, making her close to collapse, and finally filed for divorce.
The act of loving negation is essentially a form of verbal violence.
If a family is repeatedly filled with such words, it is domestic violence, and its harm is no less than physical harm.
So, it is often said that the power of language is enormous.
It can bring support, comfort, and blessings;
It can also bring suppression, harm and destruction to people;
Learn to appreciate and respect others, accumulate virtue in the mouth, and forgive others under the tongue;
As Booker ▪T.▪ Washington said:
"To belittle others, but also to devalue yourself."
If someone else is doing something wrong, it is appropriate to follow the path; If you are demanding, you should close yourself and blame yourself.
Blindly denying and belittling others is actually not enough of one's own practice.
With more appreciation and encouragement, the happiness index will be higher for others and for yourself.
▼
There is such a sentence on the Internet:
"Harmonious interpersonal relationships are a person's greatest asset."
Sometimes, one party's stealth attack is not broken by the other party, just because he cherishes this emotion too much;
But if they are hurt one after another, the latter will also get tired and tired, and may eventually choose to distance themselves from it.
After all, people's hearts are flesh and blood, and interpersonal interactions are mutual;
You don't pay attention to it, and others don't disdain it; If you are good to others, others will be good to you;
Only by paying attention to each other can we maintain our relationship;
Mutual value is the key to a strong relationship.
I hope that for the rest of your life, you can enjoy the spring breeze and chase the clouds with many confidants, and bring the autumn water to the galaxy, which is beautiful and fortunate.