Instead of pretending to have a lot of friends, I went back to loneliness and started living alone with the real me. Sometimes I can't bear the torment of emptiness because of loneliness, but I'd rather maintain my self-esteem in this way than trade shame for that kind of superficial friend.
——Yu Hua, "Shouting in the Drizzle"
01
I burned myself to compete for a ticket to the "gregarious".
Once upon a time, I thought I was "persona non grata".
Because the classmates often go to school hand in hand, they chat and frolic in the corridor in groups after class, and they don't forget to invite others to play together after school. There are even some people who excel in interpersonal relationships, who can "respond to every call" in every circle, and their friends are never absent.
I didn't join the crowds of chats, and no one invited me home. Whenever their laughter floated by, and I heard them arrange an after-school party, I could only pretend to look down at a book to hide my embarrassment, and my mind was full of a sentence from the Chinese textbook -
"The excitement is theirs, and I have nothing."
The laughter that drowned me gradually turned into nails that pierced my heart, as if to laugh at my misfits.
Image source: "Poppy Blooming Hillside"
So, when I first entered university, I made up my mind to be a popular person in order to completely get rid of this "lonely" state.
I joined the student union, participated in various activities of the club, I was never absent from every gathering of friends, I could see my active figure in every circle of chat groups, and I would never tire of completing other people's requests...... Finally, I went from being a single figure in the past to a group of friends, and from an unknown "misfit" to a high-profile "student council president".
I think I've finally become the person I used to envy the most.
But it backfired. Instead of getting the happiness I expected, I felt unprecedented pressure and suffering—all the while, I was burning myself in exchange for a ticket to the so-called "gregariousness". And the price of burning oneself is to fill the fear of loneliness in the heart with endless internal friction, like falling into a bottomless pit with no end in sight.
02
After living on my own again, I saw more of my own needs
It wasn't until I plucked up the courage to leave all circles and come to Beijing alone for an internship.
Once again, I went back to loneliness, the loneliness that had once dreaded me.
I thought I would be holding back again because I didn't fit in, or continue to do whatever it takes to fit into a circle, as I did before. The strange thing is that when I squeeze the subway to and from work alone, eat hot pot in the store alone, and even go to the mall alone, the feeling of emptiness and torment in my imagination has not found me once, but I am more determined than before.
I understood that this time, it was I who chose it on its own initiative, not it defeated me, and I finally learned to live peacefully with loneliness.
Image source: "The Shape of Sound"
There's nothing wrong with feeling lonely, it's just a reminder that we still have unresolved issues, unheard needs, ununderstood feelings.
To help you better understand your loneliness, here's an assessment for you:
"Test how lonely you are"
👆🏻 Scan the QR code or click to evaluate now
This assessment refers to the theory of loneliness proposed by Russell and colleagues at the University of California, Los Angeles, and compiles questions to measure your loneliness index from multiple dimensions such as emotional experience, situational evaluation, and personal needs. Helps you understand your current emotional state and social needs, and develops a personal growth guide for you.
Either way, may you be your own lonely brave, and look up and see your own moon in the streets full of sixpence.
作者：Reality
责编:lynn、kk