Text/Lan's mother talks about parenting
A mother asked, "How can I educate a child well?"
What I want to say is that every child has their own shining point, and being able to discover the excellence of the child is the greatest sobriety of parents in education
In the afternoon, I picked up my little daughter from kindergarten and came home from school, and as soon as I walked into the corridor, I heard my neighbors scolding
It was only after getting closer that she heard clearly that she was reprimanding her son who wanted to run out to play
The neighbor's son, like my youngest daughter, is in kindergarten, which can be regarded as a young transition stage that needs to learn some knowledge
Especially after learning that many children in the class can memorize ancient poems, oral addition and subtraction, and can also write a good hand, the neighbors are anxious
In order to keep her son from falling behind a lot, since last week, the child has been taken home as soon as school to learn poetry and practice calligraphy
But the boy had been idle before, and was suddenly disciplined strictly, and his heart was more or less dissatisfied, so that he and his mother quarreled irritable before they could say a few words
All these things were witnessed by the youngest daughter
I didn't expect that after dinner, the eldest daughter went to do her homework, and the younger daughter actually took the initiative to pick up the preschool literacy book and ask me to study
The little eyes that are eager to learn knowledge, no matter how busy they are, they have to find time to explain patiently
At the beginning, the poems were simple, and I memorized them after only a few times, but when I got to the later ones, I couldn't remember them after teaching them several times in a row
Seeing that my daughter was a little anxious, she told me in a pleading tone: "Mom, this place is a little too difficult, can I learn something else first, and then learn this tomorrow"
originally wanted to use this to educate her daughter about the truth of "having a beginning and an end", but when I looked at it, my clear eyes were full of innocence and helplessness
So, I let go of my harsh "prejudice" against my child and told her gently:
"Don't worry, it's great that you can remember those verses now, especially your enthusiasm to take the initiative to learn from me, which makes my mother feel very proud, no matter what you learn or how much you learn, as long as we maintain this enthusiasm, no matter how difficult things can be learned sooner or later"
Sure enough, when her daughter calmed down, she began to learn the difficult places over and over again, and in less than half an hour, the "Feng Granny", who was still reading tongue-twisting in front of her, was able to roll melons
This is the meaning of getting out of the "prejudice" against the child, only by seeing the advantages of the child, the child can continue to climb up along the advantages
For example, when you feel that the big truth will not change the child, but will make the situation worse and worse, try to get out of the prejudice against the child from the following 4 aspects:
01
Look with your eyes
Keep progress in mind
There is a little girl in the sixth grade at a relative's house, and when she is doing homework at home on the weekend, she uses her mobile phone to search for some excellent essay references
At that time, I was also concentrating on reading the composition, and I was very engaged
And after her mother saw this scene, she didn't ask what was going on, and directly began to criticize the girl's education
She said:
"Your dad and I save food and drink all day for you to study, hoping that you will be able to read books and live a better life in the future, but what about you, secretly playing with your mobile phone behind our backs, you are really out of your breath."
The girl was very aggrieved after being scolded, and explained at the time: "I don't play with my mobile phone, I use my mobile phone to find materials and read more excellent essays, so that my writing level can improve"
Mom didn't believe it, and then criticized: "I don't think you're reading composition, you're planning to copy other people's good words and sentences."
Although the daughter repeatedly assurances: "No", "I don't"
But my mother still didn't believe it, she stubbornly thought: "As long as you hold your mobile phone, it's playing, you just don't take learning seriously"
Seeing that there was no way to communicate with her mother, the girl was so aggrieved that she didn't even bother to change her shoes, so she ran to her grandmother's house to complain about her grievances in small slippers
Along the way, the girl also ran and wiped her tears, and it could be seen that she was really sad
Writing this, I suddenly remembered that I was also treated so "stereotyped" when I was a child
At that time, I was just stinky and beautiful, and I always liked to cut out the good-looking fabrics at home to make decorations, and my grandmother sued as soon as I was discovered, and my father also scolded me for being a "loser" and "troublemaker"
It also seems that the whole family doesn't like me...
Later, when I grew up, although I was a lot more sensible, I was still the "unproductive" one in my father's eyes, and I often said a lot of bad things when I met people
The frustration and powerlessness that I had never been recognized made me lose the meaning of my efforts for a while
Therefore, when Lan's mother has her own child, she pays special attention to the cultivation of the child's self-confidence
Every time a child has some bad behaviors and habits, I remind myself not to be so "stereotyped", learn to use my eyes to find the child's strengths and take them to heart, and sometimes I will deliberately praise the child's progress in front of many people
Seeing the child's progress in his eyes, and then praising their changes, this sense of being recognized in public is precisely the reason and motivation for the child to get more upward
02
Respect the child
Appreciate his difference
There is such a question on the Internet:
"How long has it been since you smiled at a child"
I told this question to some of my friends who are mothers, but I didn't expect that their answers were basically the same
The approximate meaning is: "There is nothing to be happy about, there is nothing to laugh at, to laugh at a child for no reason, this is not to be a fool"
In fact, behind the question of "how long have you not smiled at your child", it is the problem of parents that illuminates it
If you see this problem as an absence of companionship that requires reflection, the reward is an opportunity to repair the relationship with the child
But if you think it's a boring question that is hard to understand, then you can't see the problem in yourself
My colleague has a daughter who is 13 years old, and she has always been an excellent child in the eyes of others since she was a child
But since her mother gave birth to her second child, she has been busy with her brother's affairs all day long, which makes her feel unbalanced in her heart, and also has a sense of crisis that she will "fall out of favor".
So, the girl tried her best to attract her mother's attention every day
When I wash my face, I ask my mother how much toothpaste I squeeze, how many times I brush my toothbrush, when I eat, when I eat, whether it is hot, and even when I write my homework, I have to ask: "Where is my pen"...
But in the eyes of the mother, these behaviors are all evidence that her daughter is lost and has nothing to do, and she often uses these to ridicule and hit the child
Later, the girl got used to being ignored and fell in love with paper-cutting handicrafts, and every day after returning home from school, in addition to writing homework, she also cut out a few holes in the newly bought skirts and bed sheets and bedding several times
After my mother found out, she must have been blamed
And the girl was not to be outdone, in the face of her mother's unfavorable behavior accusation, she broke down and asked her mother: "Do you hate me so much? My brother is good at everything, but I, no matter what I do, I can't get into your eyes."
It wasn't until later, when her mother no longer regarded her as a troublemaker who had nothing to do, was allowed to have her own interests and hobbies, and appreciated and praised the paper-cut works, that the girl's inner mustard for her mother was dissipated, and the mother and daughter were no longer-for-tat and wronged
This is the charm of respecting and appreciating children's expectations
If you make your child feel that they are not so bad and appreciate their differences, then the child can awaken their inner drive and ignite their self-confidence in being loved
03
Tap into interest
Find the sparkle from the little things
Every child deserves to be expected, every child also has their own excellence, and being good at discovering can give your child the opportunity to become what you expect
A friend who is a kindergarten teacher told me that from her years of teaching experience, there is usually a parent who is willing to explore the child's interests behind the optimistic and cheerful children in the class who are familiar with their classmates and teachers
Take, for example, the manual homework assigned by the kindergarten
Parents who are willing to explore their interests generally take this matter as fun, accompany their children to find materials, and then complete handicrafts together
And those parents who are troublesome always complain to themselves: "This is simply the homework assigned to parents", and in the end, it is basically done by parents alone
Cousin Lulu is such a mother, every time she sees the perfect work released by the parents in the group, she feels deep pressure, in order not to be embarrassed and hold back, she generally does not allow her daughter to participate
Because in her opinion, the difficult tailoring process is not something that children can control, and a careless move will destroy the perfection of the entire work
This is the case with handmade lanterns during the Mid-Autumn Festival, when my daughter accidentally cut too many when she was cutting, my cousin lost her temper and warned her, "Just watch from the sidelines, don't do anything about it"
Since then, the manual work in the kindergarten has been "assigned" for her cousin, and her daughter has always been sullen when she goes to kindergarten with beautiful works
It wasn't until one kindergarten was out that my cousin heard a classmate laugh at her daughter for "not being able to fold boats", that she saw the panic and helplessness in her daughter's eyes
This is the difference between doing handicrafts with children and doing everything, parents who can accompany their children to do handicrafts can see their children's innovation in their eyes and explore their children's interests through flashpoints
And we can't be in a hurry to raise children, let alone insist on a shortcut to the sky
From now on, let children start slowly from simple things, and when they have more and more shining points, the sense of accomplishment they get can drive them to complete better and bigger leaps and transformations
04
Positive reinforcement
Develop good behavior habits
If a parent wants to stay relatively awake in education, then we need to constantly adjust ourselves and try to maintain relatively equal communication with our children
Not long ago, Lan's two daughters only thought about playing games after coming home every day, and they even fought over a mobile phone
In the beginning, I just didn't push enough and didn't manage it enough
In order to get rid of their bad habit of playfulness, I also forcibly cut off everything that has nothing to do with school
When the sisters got home, all they could do was sit at their desks and study, and even after dinner and homework, they couldn't watch TV and play on their phones
Either wash up and go to bed, or take a book and read quietly for a while
Unexpectedly, the child became lazier and more rebellious
And the bold and careful little daughter asked me directly: "You still say that we are not playing with your mobile phone, so you ignore us at all"
Looking at the disbelief in her eyes, I instantly realized that the best education for children is to lead by example
After realizing that I couldn't change the status quo, I began to change my thinking: from urging and forcing to learn to learning with them
On the first day of the plan, the eldest daughter, who was stubborn and didn't like to be advised, was still a little unhappy
But when I saw my little daughter keep asking "Mom, how do you pronounce this word" and "What does this sentence mean", the lively and studious atmosphere brought her up
In less than half an hour, the eldest daughter took the initiative to bring her homework over and discuss it with me
Next, there was a lively scene of two children scrambling to discuss their studies with me
The kind of competition situation that is demanded and rare, not to mention how fulfilling it is in my heart
And that night, the two daughters slept very soundly, especially before going to bed, they specially advised: "Mom, I want you to study with me tomorrow, don't forget"
Listening to the even breathing of my daughters, I am glad that I have finally found a way to influence my children - positive reinforcement
Instead of constantly nagging and reminding children what they should do, we lead by example to help children develop good behavior habits, which is the deep connotation of the subtle influence on children
Children love to listen, love to do, and are willing to participate with their parents, and this is where we are most successful in educating children
So, what are the different suggestions and opinions on the fact that the biggest sobriety in education is to get out of the "prejudice" against children?