Written by / First Psychology Writers
Editor / Tommy
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To explore this question, I flipped through the Theory of Social Penetration and some original research on the referential effect of love, and discussed it with several psychologists.
I've found that if you really like someone, you can feel these four feelings:
1. I want to know everything about him/her
When you genuinely like someone, you are curious about their interests, habits, and even daily routines.
You will unconsciously pay attention to his mood changes and all the information related to him.
Even a word similar to his name will catch your attention, because in your heart, this person occupies a very special place, and it seems that his presence has made the whole world shine with a different light.
When you wake up in the morning, the first thing you check is probably your phone messages, such as QQ or text messages, and you will pay attention to every expression and message sent by the other person, trying to decipher the meaning and respond.
Your curiosity is often hard to hide, and you will often be careful to ask the other person for various details, hoping to know about every aspect of his life.
Whenever the other person appears, you will feel your heart beat faster and you will even have a feeling of shortness of breath.
In the process of getting to know the other person, you usually express your compliments without hesitation, in fact, hinting to the other person:
I love every aspect of you.
Psychologists point out that strangeness between people can bring tension and anxiety, and getting to know each other better can help alleviate this feeling and even benefit the development of personality.
In psychology, there is a difference between emotions and feelings, happiness is the emotional experience that people crave the most, and anxiety disappears only when desires are satisfied.
If you like someone, you will feel pity and empathy for him/her, which becomes the basis for your deep communication.
2. Show yourself more
While trying to get to know each other, you can't help but share your information and feelings with them.
Psychologist Altman has used the "social penetration theory" to explain the importance of self-disclosure in the development of intimate relationships such as romantic relationships.
Self-disclosure means gradually revealing more personal information during the communication process.
Specifically, your conversation may start with some everyday topics, such as recent events, weather changes, favorite TV shows, etc.
As these basic exchanges are reciprocated, your conversation will go deeper, and more personal and sensitive information will be shared.
Such in-depth exchanges will help to quickly promote the development of bilateral relations.
Therefore, "self-disclosure" is at the heart of intimacy.
In the beginning, you may have a strong desire to get to know the other person, and you may hide some of your true colors and try to bring out the best in yourself.
But when you genuinely like someone, you can't help but share your real life, your hard experiences, with them.
You will see the other person as a part of your life, and at this time, you will not have any reservations about the other person.
Psychologists believe that psychological identity is the ultimate form of the development of the relationship between men and women.
If you are truly in love with someone, you will tend to see the two as a whole, and your proximity to the other person is not only physical, but also psychological.
This fusion seems to you to be a complete unity of the mind, and your interest in him/her is actually a psychological expression of the desire to explore.
3. Whatever you do, you will think of him/her
When you really like someone, you can't help but think of the other person and think about the problem from the other person's point of view when you do anything.
For example, when passing by a cake shop, you might think, ";
When you're tired from work, you may think,
Every time you think of the other person, you feel a sense of comfort.
这种现象在心理学中被称为“恋人参照效应（The Reference Effect of Lover）”。
This refers to the fact that when you truly like and accept someone, you subconsciously see the other person as a part of yourself, so when doing anything, your mind always thinks about the other person first.
The concept is derived from the "self-referential effect", which describes how efficiently people process information that is relevant to them.
Therefore, in our daily lives, our brains also unconsciously prioritize information related to our loved ones.
Fourth, the desire to make a commitment and the desire to have feelings for themselves
Commitment can be understood as a psychological expectation or verbal assurance.
In his "Triadic Theory of Love", Sternberg proposed that the ideal love should contain three elements: intimacy, passion, and commitment.
According to Sternberg's theory, there are two types of emotional commitment:
1. Long-term commitment
2. Short-term commitments
A short-term commitment is when you need to decide if you really like the person;
Long-term commitment, on the other hand, refers to the continued commitment to the relationship, including loyalty and sharing the joys and sorrows of life.
When you genuinely like someone, you will naturally want to spend your life with the other person if possible and give each other a firm commitment to work hard to preserve this cherished relationship!
What's more, when you really like someone, you will have a strong sense of territory and desire to monopolize that relationship.
In this process, once an outsider intervenes, you will feel very nervous and your mood will become uneasy.
The End -
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Keywords in this article: love, psychology
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