In June last year, with a hot search of #57 years of marriage adhering to the AA system, even eggs have to be numbered #, Uncle Liu and Ma Daniang, who live in Tianjin, entered the public eye. Two months later, the news that the two finally divorced was once again on Weibo's hot search.
Perhaps, this is not just an unusual divorce case, but a facet, after being cut open, it is a common dilemma of a generation's marriage. We tried to reconstruct this divorce case, hoping to answer the long-standing question - how to spend their lives together for two people without love.
Wen |33
Edited | Golden Stone
1
We are like survivors of the aftermath, suffering is like a wall, no one can separate us, but to achieve stability.
- "Bitter Moon"
In early June 2020, Uncle Liu and Ma Daniang from Tianjin landed on Weibo's hot search, and the entry was probably 57 years of marriage and adherence to the AA system.
The cause of the matter was a divorce lawsuit, at that time, the 85-year-old Uncle Liu proposed to divorce the 83-year-old Ma Da Niang, the attitude was very resolute, the reporter went to interview, found that the old two lived an extreme AA system of life - refrigerator refrigerator, a total of three floors, Uncle Liu in the upper layer, Ma Da Niang in the lower layer, there is a crisper box, open the drawer, on the right is Uncle Liu's eggs, packed in plastic bags, on the left is Ma Da Niang's eggs, the eggshell is also written on the name.
Walking into the kitchen, there are two kitchen knives, one for two people, a number of washbasins, these are yours, and those are mine. The pot is also clearly divided, usually two people buy vegetables individually, never eat together, and use the kitchen is also wrong. One person finishes, and the other goes in. As for living, the uncle is in the master bedroom, and the eldest lady is in the second bedroom.
Life has come to an end, and Uncle Liu is determined to divorce – in fact, this is not the first time he has filed for divorce. In his 57-year marriage, he filed for divorce three times, once in 1987, once in 2015, and once in 2019.
This time in 2019, at the Tianjin Heping District Court, the judge who received Uncle Liu was named Bai Qing. Judge Bai still remembers the way Uncle Liu walked into the court, a tall man with white hair, very clean clothes, and Beryso. At the end, she added: It's not like an ordinary old man.
Before this, Madame Ma had already come, wearing a gray hat, the eye bags and the corners of the mouth were sinking, the thinking was very clear, the tone was also high, not the common kind of wronged women, but the face was very haggard. Ma Da Niang did not come to divorce, but to sue Uncle Liu and ask the other party to add his name to the property certificate.
It is rare for marital lawsuits to be added to the house book. After more than 50 years of marriage, the house is also allocated after marriage, although the name of the man is written on the house book, but the law also defaults to marital property. But Ma Da Niang still feels unreliable and insecure, she just asks for a name, because adding a name means that when to sell the house and how much money, she has half the right to decide.
The judge in charge of Ma Daniang's case is surnamed Hu – The white judge found by Uncle Liu is responsible for fighting the divorce case, and the judge Hu found by Ma Da Niang is responsible for the property division case.
Usually, divorce and property division proceedings are generally one after the other, this time, the two cases are mixed together - Ma Da Niang asked for a real estate deed to be named, but did not agree to divorce, because she was worried that after the divorce, the house would not have its share, uncle Liu's worry was just the opposite of the old lady, he refused to add a name, because he was afraid that as soon as the name was added, the old lady did not want to leave - probably only marriage would create such an inexplicable trouble, like a serial set that was too smooth to start.
In order to win the case, Ma Da Niang was accompanied by her second daughter and appeared on a program "Lawyer with Legal Eyes", which was called "I Accompanied the 85-year-old Woman to Divorce". During the program, Ma Daniang wiped her tears several times and said that as long as Fang Ben added her name, she would divorce.
The program team also went to the home, Uncle Liu showed in detail the AA life of the two, and within a few days, the news was issued and landed on the hot search.
Thousands of netizen comments, of which, a considerable part of them said that such a marriage is familiar - the older generation, not in the name of love, in the misplaced marriage, noisy and swallowed, even in the old age to choose to let go, but also survived a long half of life, almost a lifetime and love has no connection.
A divorce case in the later years that unexpectedly entered the public eye seems to be a specimen of a Chinese-style marriage that has lasted for more than 50 years, about how two people without love can spend their lives together.
When I called the Tianjin Heping District Court that heard the case, I mentioned the 80-year-old divorce case, and the other end of the phone immediately understood and said that I remembered that this was the most special divorce case in so many years.
The TV series "The Burning Years" tells the story of a mismatched marriage.
2
Many families are tired of both spouses, but there is no way, no way. Because they can neither completely turn against each other, nor can they live in harmony.
- Anna Karenina
The first meeting with Uncle Liu was in mid-May 2021, he rode an electric tricycle, the mobile phone was in the front basket, it was the latest iPhone, the silver hair was combed back meticulously, he solemnly refused the interview, the reason is that even if retired, before I was also a leader in the unit, don't mention this, okay.
But in the community where they have lived for many years, the neighbors meet from time to time to discuss, and in the past they did not understand, the old man is so handsome, how can he look up to the old lady? After half a day on TV, I understood what was going on. I didn't look at her, a lifetime is painful enough, in fact, when I was young, there was already someone outside the old man, who should give up, can't bite hard, is unwilling.
In fact, Uncle Liu and Ma Da Niang have known each other since childhood and grew up in an alley. Ma Daniang's family has only two children, and Uncle Liu's family is a big family, lively but the days are tight. The two married also through introduction, and Ma Daniang also looked at each other's big family, lively. The two married in 1963, and Mrs. Ma soon became pregnant, and on the day of giving birth, her husband did not accompany her.
According to Madame Ma, at that time, there was often a guest in the house. Don't talk in front of me, hook up behind me. Later, she heard that it was her husband's ex-girlfriend, who broke off contact because the family did not agree to their marriage. Ma Da Niang found the girl's unit, and after returning, Uncle Liu stopped doing it, flirtatiously, fought, did not return home, and said that he was out of order.
Life was so noisy and noisy, after all, there were children, not to mention, divorce in that era was regarded as a disgraceful thing. Uncle Liu first formally filed for divorce in 1987, that year, he was 52 years old, in the size of the unit is a cadre, Ma Da Niang in the municipal company to do health, but also take into account the sale of "Tonight Newspaper", the day of the court trial, when the secretary of the unit, colleagues have gone, Ma Da Niang insisted on not divorce, the reason is very simple, the child must have a complete home, can not let the third party satisfactory, to achieve the purpose.
Even in my personal life experience, marriages like this are not uncommon. I know a 72-year-old retired high school teacher, who was not well formed, and his schooling and recruitment were affected, so he found a wife who was born from a farmer and was rooted in Miao Hong. After more than 40 years of marriage, he wanted to divorce his wife countless times, and the reason was ripped from a plate of peanuts to Mira.
The teacher felt that after the oil temperature reached the boiling point, he should turn off the fire and wait for the remaining temperature to fry fragrant peanuts, but his wife is a rural person, the culture is not high, and she will turn the fire to the maximum, often frying paste. She doesn't understand physics, she doesn't know how to absorb new knowledge, and the tragedy of our two is simply that the three views are incompatible. Every time the peanuts and rice are fried, the two of them will end up with a big quarrel. After more than 40 years of marriage, both of them are like peanuts and rice in a frying pan.
Wang Dahua is a professor of geriatric psychology at Beijing Normal University, most of the marriages of the elderly she saw have the mark of the times, in the fifties and sixties of the last century, marriage depends on the family composition, so in the sequence of choosing a spouse, love is not important, personal pursuit is also less, more important is to understand the current affairs. A large number of mismatched marriages were born, and marriages without love and intimacy were very common among the elderly.
In the long married life, some people can correct mistakes, find a way to live together, and gradually become relatives, but there are also a considerable number of couples who are incompatibility for life. Wang Dahua once used questionnaire measurements to survey the marital intimacy of more than 700 elderly people, and in the answers received, only 20%-25% of the couples had a good intimate relationship, and more than 70% of the elderly's intimate relationship was more or less defective.
But even so, they can still live together and survive for a lifetime. After all, life is a complex, and priorities change all the time. In the early stages of marriage, career is usually the first, and in the middle of the period, children may divert the attention of the couple, until the end of life, retirement, children also grow up, the individual will appear - after the children go to college, the divorce boom also confirms this.
The marriage of Uncle Liu and Lady Ma also conforms to this law.
In the 57 years of marriage, they didn't start with AA. Although there is no love, there are still many marriage seat belts in their lives. Children are the most important link. The second daughter wanted to be transferred to Beijing to work, and Uncle Liu was busy and thought of many ways, which eventually led to the transfer.
The first divorce did not come to fruition, and after life, encountering major events will also ease the relationship. Uncle Liu once had a serious illness, liver abscess, when hospitalized, Ma Da Niang would wait before and after bed, he did not eat leeks, onions and garlic, all according to his taste. In one bite, massage when the foot is swollen. The doctor issued a critical illness notice, and she would also tell him that if he didn't work, he would sell the house and treat his illness. After all, he was the father of two daughters.
In the early years, Uncle Liu and Madame Ma took a wedding photo. Graph source network
3
Love is a game, and it is necessary to always be inseparable and evenly matched with the other party, in order to rely on each other for a long time, because too strong opponents make people tired, and too weak opponents are boring.
- "Jane Eyre"
In 2015, Uncle Liu filed for divorce for the second time. In the show, Mrs. Ma said that for some reason, he was going to get a divorce. In the early summer of this year, in less than half an hour of my communication with Uncle Liu, he told one of the things that made him most chilling in marriage.
According to Uncle Liu, in 2014, his mother died on the first day of the Chinese New Year. His home and his mother's house were so close that they could see each other's windows. According to superstition, you can't hang red, but it was the Spring Festival, and there was red paper on the window of his house, and he wanted to rip it off, and Ma Daniang resolutely refused to let it. Guess what my wife said, the old lady is dead and has my business, she lives her life, I live my life. Later, before the funeral was completed, on the morning of the second day of the first year, Ma Da niang went to the home of her second daughter in Beijing.
From then on, the two began a life of disconnection. In Madame Ma's description, Uncle Liu finished breakfast in the morning, left at 8 o'clock, and returned at 12 o'clock. Staying at home in the afternoon, sometimes going out at 4 o'clock, returning at 6 o'clock, and I don't know if I have eaten or not. The two men did not say hello, and entered each room as soon as they entered the door. Economically, it is also absolutely AA, and Ma Daniang's description is that even if you buy a hemorrhoid cream, Uncle Liu will go back.
In Uncle Liu's description, everything he did was out of one word, hiding. She was unreasonable and scolded the street. When she was still at work, she was going to Shanghai for a business trip, so she went to the unit and said that she couldn't leave. When you meet this daughter-in-law, you have a way.
At the most nervous time, the eldest lady went to live in the second daughter's house for a while, and came back to find that the uncle had a sword hanging on his door, facing the direction of his own door. The eldest lady was immediately aroused by the desire to win or lose, and immediately bought a mirror, hung it on her door, and shone the sword back.
Whoever withdraws first loses. The way for Ma Da Niang to keep herself from losing was to keep the house, even if one day her health was not good, the house could not belong to her enemies. And as her lifelong opponent, Uncle Liu often releases harsh words, my body is better than yours, and I will kill you.
It took more than three years, until an accident in 2019 made Ma Daniang think of divorce.
She felt that she could not stand up and was about to lose. Regarding the accident, the public account is that Madame Ma passed out on the side of the road when she was out, and the well-wishers helped her up and drove her home. Uncle Liu did not have half a greeting at home, continued to watch Peking Opera, hahahaha singing small songs. Later, two neighbors pushed a wheelchair to take Ma Da Niang to the hospital to take care of eating and drinking Lasa.
And the story that other insiders heard was that the old man put a small bench at the door of the toilet, and the old lady went to the toilet in the middle of the night, and the black and mushy did not see it, and the fracture was broken, which was quite serious. The old man not only did not sympathize with her next to her, but also clapped his hands and applauded. The old lady went to the hospital, and after being cured, she did not dare to stay any longer, and went to the second daughter's house in Beijing.
After telling about this accident on the TV show, someone on the scene summed up the situation of the couple who had lived together for 57 years and had two daughters, marriage is not a means of sanction, punishing each other, and the force of reaction is equal.
Ma Da Niang found lawyer Li Yingyu. At first, Lawyer Li still wanted to mediate, but Uncle Liu couldn't get in touch at all, so he hung up when he dialed the phone.
The case has been dragging on, the old lady urges the trial every day, and countless phone calls are made to lawyers and judges a day, but the attitude of the old man is that as long as he still wants to add a name to the house book, he will not talk about it. But Ma Daniang's physical condition is getting worse and worse, and her heart is also equipped with a pacemaker, and after passing the court security check, she has to cut off the power of the facility to pass. She thinks about this every day, thinking about how he will do it, how we should do it.
Talking about this case again a year later, Li Xingyu made a metaphor, a good marriage is like your left hand and your right hand, there is no particularly obvious feeling, but it is indispensable, a bad marriage is like a bad seed, the fruit that grows is also bad, everyone says how innocent two people are, but in the long run, it may affect more people.
In this kind of ripple, the worst consequence is that the soil of such marriage, the second or even third generation cultivated, some of the love nourishment and emotional education are forever missing. This has also become a curse on many Chinese-style marriages.
In this extreme AA system, even two daughters are AA system, the eldest daughter towards the father, the second daughter toward the mother. The reason why the eldest daughter and her mother reversed their purposes was that for a while, Ma Da Niang felt that her body was not very comfortable, so she went to Hainan at the invitation of the second daughter. And it was during that time that the eldest daughter underwent a major operation. When the old lady returned from Hainan, the eldest daughter ignored her mother and returned all the gifts the old lady had bought.
The second daughter hated her father and hated him for breaking up the house. In the most ferocious stage of the divorce between the old couple, one day, Uncle Liu came home and saw that the living room table was piled with chopped onions of the second daughter, and Uncle Liu was most afraid of onions, which was something that the neighbors knew.
Image source "My Dear Friends"
4
Criminal lawyers will see the best side of the bad guys, and divorce lawyers will see the worst side of the good guys.
- "Marriage Story"
In June 2020, the divorce lawsuit between Uncle Liu and Madame Ma finally began.
On the day of the trial, Lawyer Li remembered very clearly that the old lady was wearing a 3M mask and her eyes were shining - since Ma Daniang moved away, the husband and wife have never seen each other again, at least for half a year, they are waiting for this day. In court, a few words down, both were in a state of cockfighting, and the voice was higher than the other.
Lawyer Li and Judge Bai discussed to solve the problem of adding names to the real estate deeds first, because it is very difficult to add names after divorce. In court, the lawyer made a full statement of the old man's obsession with both parties, the pros and cons of leaving and not leaving the two parties, the positions of the parties, and how many times they have been divorced. Judge Bai said that the concept of the marriage law is to maintain feelings as much as possible, but considering that the two elderly people have now reached this level, there is no need to maintain feelings, and the court judge immediately ruled that Ma Da Niang won the lawsuit and could be named, but Ma Da Niang also needed to sign a divorce agreement at the same time.
The verdict was made, and when it was enforced, something went wrong again. Ma Da Niang did not know where she heard some news of Uncle Liu's private life, repented, and refused to sign the divorce agreement. Uncle Liu's side also appealed the verdict – so that the name addition could not take effect.
Judge Bai's feeling at the time was that the work of the past year had been done in vain again. She had to invite Ma Da Niang to mediate and let the second daughter cooperate with her to do the work. In the end, there were two factors that made Ma Daniang agree to sign - one is that her body is really deteriorating, and she may not be able to survive her opponents, and second, Judge Bai said, she will try to help her fight for some rights.
In the end, the 57-year-old marriage ended like this: Judge Bai asked the two elderly people to sign a divorce mediation document on the same day, and then the next day, the old man went to handle the withdrawal of the lawsuit, and then, Lawyer Li took the two to the Housing Authority to add names. After these steps are completed, the two formalize and receive a divorce certificate.
After a lifetime of fighting, it was finally time to get a new real estate certificate, the handling fee was ten yuan, and at first neither of the two people paid it, and finally, the uncle compromised and paid the ten yuan.
On the day of receiving the real estate certificate, Tianjin TV's "Legal Eye Barrister" went to interview, Ma Da niang held up the real estate certificate with her name written on it, and her eyes were very radiant, she said that she was so happy that she wanted to invite everyone to eat happy noodles. In Tianjin, only when you get married do you eat happy noodles. She and Uncle Liu also sent two pennants to the two judges. The pennant sent by Madame Ma reads: Patiently mediate the spring wind and rain, and efficiently handle cases to relieve the people's worries. Uncle Liu's pennant was printed with eight big golden characters: Relieve the people's worries, the people's public servants.
After the formal divorce, the sale of the house was put on the agenda. This is an equally complicated process, and how much to hang on to the right price and how to negotiate has become a big problem. Because the two have completely deleted each other's contact information, everything can only rely on the lawyer to talk back and forth in the middle. During this period, the lawyer, the old man's side, and the daughter's side, WeChat a bunch of piles, the old lady said this is not OK, less than how much money does not work how to do it. I told the old man, and the old man said that this was the market price, otherwise he would not be able to sell it, so he handed it in the middle. This side agreed to less than ten thousand, and immediately had to say it to the other side.
After tossing and turning for nearly half a year, the house was finally sold, and the two divided the house according to the court mediation letter - at this point, Uncle Liu and Ma Daniang, who had been married for 57 years, finally completely got rid of contact with each other, this year, Uncle Liu was 86 years old, and Ma Daniang was 84 years old.
Of course, in this long struggle, there was also a short rest. Go to the day of the real estate certificate, after all the materials are handed over, the application form also needs a group photo, the old lady is unwilling, the uncle is very generous, the last chance, take it!
The two old men gave the judge pennants. Graph source network
5
Divorce is not about being happy, it's about reducing unhappiness.
- "We're Divorced"
Shortly after the end of the most special divorce case, Lawyer Li and the program team of "Legal Eye Barrister" went to visit Ma Daniang, who was still living in beijing at the time.
Lawyer Li said that on that day, Ma Da Niang was greeted downstairs, it seemed particularly kind, people were also in good spirits, and they were wearing makeup, gold bracelets and gold necklaces were worn, saying that their daughter had bought gold jewelry before, but she did not have the heart to wear it, it has been pressed at the bottom of the box, and now in order to let the audience see her daughter filial piety, she took good care of her, and she was all worn. Madame Ma was laughing the whole time, and as soon as she entered the elevator, she brushed her hair in front of the mirror.
But later, Lawyer Li saw that she was smiling, but she also had tears in her eyes, and her laughter was actually laughing for outsiders to see. She was also thinking, I have been very sad in my life until now, and I have been so accounted for all my life.
Uncle Liu still lives alone. He took the money from the sale of the house and rented a single room in a new building. Even if he had just moved in, he inquired about the white-haired, uncle of Triso in this community, and the neighbors knew that it was him. In the past, in the Dashengli community of Heping District, the neighbors also had a similar evaluation of him, Beier Spirit, driving a three-wheeled car, very enjoyable, a person to eat shabu lamb, a person riding a bicycle to see around.
The marriage is finally divorced, but many of the habits of life are still there. Now, Uncle Liu still drives a small tricycle back to the Dashengli community 2 kilometers away, under a bicycle repair shed, chatting with a group of neighbors of similar age.
The tricycle was parked on the side, and there was a crane working next to it, and he stared at the sky for half an hour. Chatting with the old man on the side, the current politics have to talk about it, the price of the dish is not spared, an hour has passed, and at eleven thirty o'clock, he rides a three-wheeler and prepares to go home.
Before leaving Tianjin, I wanted to go to Uncle Liu's new home to see him. When I knocked on the door, there was no sound inside, and when I was about to leave, a roar suddenly broke out in the house, roll!
The next day, Judge Bai asked me to go to the Heping District Court and said that Uncle Liu was also there. After I arrived, the reason for the roll was finally solved - Uncle Liu said that he thought that the person who knocked on the door yesterday was sent by the other side, after all, he and his second daughter still had a vendetta.
I spoke in detail again, and after a while, he pulled out his phone, which was recording. Uncle Liu said that before coming, the eldest daughter specifically instructed him to record, and originally planned to take the recording to find trouble there. But now, do you want to delete it? Uncle Liu seemed to be asking others, and like asking himself, stopped for a few seconds, he looked up and waved his hand, what is the point of arguing in the end, let go of others, but also let go of himself. He then clicked the delete button.
Movie "Family Affliction"
(At the request of the interviewer, Bai Qing is a pseudonym.) ）