The Art of Making Life Stop Graying - ------ 13 Switches of Negative to Positive, is a very popular book for Spanish psychologists. In a word: this book is actually mainly about the fact that most of people's troubles come from wrong perceptions and thinking patterns about the world, others, and themselves.
Here is an interpretation for you, of course, not necessarily 13 points are said, the main summary is what I think is the most critical points:
First, live in the present moment and be uneasy in the present, controlled by anxiety and fear
This living in the present moment and not being disturbed by the present moment is our traditional saying, which is more imaginary, less specific.
So what exactly is living in the present moment and not being restless in the present? For example, living in one's own fears and anxieties, adding one's own filters to one's surroundings and the future, and making decisions about problems are under the influence of this anxiety and fear.
As a woman, this is all too common, for example, 1, the fear of physical aging, illness, the fear of youth passing, and the fear of being overwhelmed by the arrival of menopause. 2 Fear of the direction of marriage 3, fear and anxiety about the future of children 4, confusion and fear of finding one's own career, self-search.
That is to say, when you don't get it, you are unhappy in order to get it or not, and when you get it, you are afraid and uneasy about losing it at any time.
So on this timeline, I have been in a state of uneasiness and anxiety. Especially fear, living out of fear, parenting out of fear, getting along out of fear, and so on. Fear has a chain reaction, so pay attention to our inner fears. The book mentions that facing or thinking about your own death can help alleviate feelings of fear.
Second, unrealistic needs are the real source of "pessimism" and the source of vulnerability. Including people and things
Here the author makes a very clear point: food, clothing, shelter and transportation are the needs, and the others are not real needs, but only desires (neutral words). Even excessive comfort is not a must. Put the various needs other than food, clothing, and housing in a reasonable expectation space, so that anxiety and depression will naturally be less.
Third, the world itself is imperfect
The book tells a story that is not novel: a man went out to work, encountered traffic jams, he was irritable, it was difficult to get to the unit, parking spaces were not enough, he was late, met his boss to ask about performance, angry, he felt that this day was too unlucky....... So the man's emotions were out of control
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The above stories are very common, if the role is changed to a woman, there may be a husband who cannot share the childcare, the class teacher comes to me to talk about the child, the child is not careful, and so on
But the reason for the above emotional loss of control is simple:
The man's inner appeal is:
1, there should be no traffic jams
2. The parking lot should have enough parking spaces at any time
3. Everyone should be friendly
4, the boss should care more about employees than about the company
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, based on these unrealistic/irrational imaginations of the world and others, he will be particularly angry and anxious after bordering the real world.
The author's original words: There are many irrational beliefs in the real world, which can be basically divided into "you must, I must, the world must", such irrational beliefs are actually wrong, useless, and annoying. Because of this false belief, we breed certain emotions. If you want to learn to get rid of bad emotions, you need to reverse your irrational beliefs and perceptions of your surroundings from the source.
Loneliness and boredom are not absolutely unpleasant, unless you yourself initially think they are terrible
When you feel that being lonely and bored is a bad thing, of course, you are caught up in this negative emotion, and naturally there will be no fun at all.
But when you really change your mind and enjoy the present, you may not necessarily discover your own new world, the world is already noisy enough, you can really enjoy being alone, it must be a unique taste.
Learning to be self-contained and alone is a lifelong lesson.
Fifth, the secret of maintaining good interpersonal relationships: only ask the other party for what they can give, not the luxury of asking for what the other party can't give at present.
This is especially significant in gender relations:
For example, if your husband's financial ability is average, you ask him for financial benefits.
For example, after your husband realizes that you have asked him to often ask for warmth,
He's calculating and calculating, but you expect him to be generous,
He's grumpy, but you want him to be gentle and tolerant,
If you really expect the other person to change, the suggestion is more effective than the request.
I have to say that the author's summary of this point is very good, maybe we can be objective and true to our friends, but it may not be for our partners and children.
Therefore, in summary, a positive and good life requires a good mode of thinking, but because of our growth and personality limitations, we may not be able to have this rational and correct model
So the author also proposes some specific methods (I will briefly summarize below)
1. When we fall into bad emotions, reflect on our daily thinking mode process, including: discovering irrational thinking parts, refuting them personally with arguments, and then establishing new rational beliefs.
2. The above reflections must be supported by arguments, not at the level of fantasy, such as what proves the absurdity of my original thinking ideas? List it out.
3, insist on doing this reflection, so that positive rational thinking will be slowly established, you can examine yourself in 3 months, 6 months.
4) To prevent this kind of cognitive training, there are "I think the worry is valid, and my feeling is correct." So before looking for arguments, learn to let go of these two irrational thoughts.