Author: Warm dad Lao Bai
Source: Adolescent Parents Growth School (ID: fumuxue199)
If the feeling of learning is not good, it is difficult for children to have internal motivation.
01
I am a mother of two children, my daughter is in her second year of junior high school this year, and my son is still in kindergarten. In the eyes of outsiders, I am simply a winner in life, with a rich life and both children.
But in fact, because of my daughter's study, my whole person is not good, and I feel extremely anxious every day.
When my daughter was in the second grade of elementary school, Erbao was born, and although there were elderly people to help take care of the children, my energy was inevitably inclined to Erbao.
As a result, during my primary school years, I barely paid much attention to my daughter's studies, let alone cultivated habits.
Fortunately, in the six years of primary school, my daughter is obedient and sensible, and she will obediently complete her homework every day, so I don't have to worry about it.
At that time, I was still glad that I said that I was not so tired to accompany my mother to study. But unexpectedly, in junior high school, the situation gradually changed.
During primary school, because the cultivation of children's study habits was not done well, the disadvantages were quickly exposed in junior high school.
She has always been in the lower middle of the pack and has been falling behind in the rankings time and time again. If it goes on like this, it won't be long before it's a proper bad student!
I also had to go from being a shopkeeper to a tiger mother, and began to strictly supervise my daughter's learning throughout the whole process. I thought that with my supervision, her studies would definitely improve, but the reality is cruel!
After supervising for a while, I found that my daughter had a lot of problems.
First of all, she has poor concentration and is unable to devote herself to studying for a long time. Every time I study for less than half an hour, I shout that I am tired and want to rest.
If she doesn't concentrate enough, her learning efficiency is naturally not high, and she has to do at least 3 hours of homework that others can complete in 2 hours. The study habits are not good, the foundation is not solid, and the curriculum in junior high school is fast-paced, so it is very difficult to learn.
Every day there is new content to memorize and understand, and the questions that you don't know are accumulating more and more. I told her not to give up easily, and to think about it by herself when she encountered a problem that she couldn't do.
But the daughter was confident: "Then I just won't! I won't think about it anymore! I can't solve it! I won't do it!"
I was so angry that I gave her a lecture, and I could relieve my anger after scolding.
02
You know, we are a third-tier town, and there are only two good high schools, one key and one general high school. Although the remaining schools are also general high schools, the quality of teaching is very poor, and there are very few people who even take the second exam every year.
I don't dare to expect my daughter to go to a key high school, but at least I have to go to a general high school, otherwise it will be equivalent to saying goodbye to a college undergraduate.
Under anxiety, I urged my daughter more strictly, and my attitude became worse and worse.
I asked her to prepare and review her homework every day after completing it. I had to get up half an hour early in the morning and memorize words and texts for me.
I want to catch my daughter's habits through all-round supervision. But unexpectedly, not only did the habit not develop, but my daughter even became more and more tired of school.
Her whole person is completely rotten, she doesn't even want to complete her homework well, and if she can't write, it's empty.
When I scolded her for not being motivated, she cried, "I'm like this, don't force me! Do you want me to die so that you can be happy?"
Watching my daughter collapse, my heart was mixed. I'm afraid that if I keep pushing it, my daughter will really not be able to bear the pressure and make some extreme moves.
But I am even more anxious, if I give up and my daughter can't get into high school, then this life will be wasted.
After many inquiries, I contacted a senior class teacher and learned from him.
I can't figure out why the more I control, the more tired my daughter is of school, and what the hell should I do to improve my child's grades?
After listening to my complaints and concerns, this teacher, who has more than 30 years of experience, told me that cultivating good study habits is more important than temporary grades.
The essence of habit is an unconscious act, that is, it does not need to be done by willpower.
A child has good study habits, and even if he starts to fall behind, he will eventually catch up.
And children with poor study habits, even if they rely on cleverness and simple homework at the beginning to achieve good grades, will eventually fall behind.
Therefore, if you want to fundamentally improve your child's learning ability and performance, you must start by cultivating habits. ”
However, in the process of cultivating children's habits, many parents often fall into some misunderstandings, such as scolding, preaching, control, etc.
In fact, if you want your child to become better and more self-disciplined, you must let her feel "pleasure" in learning, so that her brain will constantly secrete "dopamine"! She will become more and more interested in learning, more and more attentive, and more and more self-disciplined.
This can also be called "dopamine" channeling.
To achieve this effect, it is enough for parents to do two things: empathy first, and then encouragement.
Specifically, you can follow the following methods.
03
1. Parents should see their children's pressures and difficulties, empathize with them, and give them a sense of security.
Looking at children from an adult's point of view, there are too many problems and faults. Many things are not done well, and there are problems with ability and attitude, which make us unaccustomed to it, such as:
Procrastination in writing homework, repeated mistakes in simple questions, lack of brainstorming, laziness, failure in exams, etc.
At this time, parents are often very unaccustomed to it, and can't help but criticize and ridicule their children:
Why are you so stupid!
How many times have I told you, can you use dim sum?
Are you a pig brain?
This kind of "falling into the well" will not only not solve the problem, but will also make the child hate learning more and hate what you want him to do.
The right way should be for parents to empathize with their children. By doing this, the child will not have emotional resistance to the parent.
The way to empathize is also very simple, that is, parents share their similar experiences with their children.
Every adult used to be a child, and there were also mistakes, self-righteousness, and misdeeds, which are similar to what children do now.
What are these things, what kind of thoughts and feelings you had at that time, just share them with your children.
Thinking about it, I am now looking at my daughter's problems and mistakes from the perspective of an adult.
So all kinds of accusations, I can't get used to it. But when I think back to my age, I was not even as good as her.
After thinking about it, looking at my daughter's performance again, my mind is much calmer.
Once, my daughter wrote a paper, but she couldn't answer several questions. She said irritably: Why is math so difficult? Can't we cancel the math class?
I said, "It's really my daughter! It's exactly like me! When my mother was in junior high school, she thought math was the hardest. I failed the exam back then, and I was beaten by your grandmother. ”
Hearing me say this, my daughter's eyes lit up and she excitedly asked me to tell the story of the beating.
I told her that my mother was just like you when she was in school, she was good at liberal arts but not good at math. The more difficult I felt, the less I liked to learn, and once, I actually failed the exam, and there were less than ten in the class.
Your grandma was angry, chased and beat me all over the house, and told me that if she failed the exam next time, she would cut off the mother-daughter relationship with me.
Later, he found me a tutor and watched me make papers, and my math score slowly increased.
My daughter was very satisfied with the process of my beating, and she laughed so much that tears came out: "You also have such times!"
I said yes, then math is really difficult, but my mother can share an experience with you, that is, no matter how difficult the subject, as long as you find the right method, you can improve. In the end, I never failed the test and got a good score.
The daughter nodded: "It turns out that I am not alone in finding it difficult. But you can learn well, it seems that I also have a play!"
Since then, my daughter has become less averse to math because there is a "success" case telling her:
As long as you work hard and have a way, you can improve.
When parents empathize with their children, their hearts are relieved.
She will feel that someone understands me, no longer worries that she will be beaten and scolded, and that her parents stand with him, and she will feel full of security.
It is only in this state that the child can reflect on himself and think about what to do next. At this time, her cognition is there, and the study habit of initiative and thinking can be formed.
2. Pay attention to encouraging children, motivate children, let children's brains secrete "dopamine", cultivate children's self-confidence in learning, strengthen positive behaviors, and slowly form habits.
In the process of developing habits, going from zero to one is very crucial, and going from one to ten, from ten to hundred, will be much easier.
In the process of going from zero to one, parents must do one thing well, that is, to encourage their children more, so that children can develop self-confidence in themselves. Even if the child does not do well, after empathizing with the child, parents should encourage the child.
If parents always criticize and suppress their children, thinking that he is not good or right, saying that he is lazy, not strong, and has poor ability, it will only hit the child's self-confidence, and he will not even be able to cross from zero to one.
What's more serious is that the child will internalize these negative labels into his own cognition, and in the end he will really become like this.
In the past, I couldn't encourage my child, because I felt that she couldn't do well, and she still deserved my encouragement?
Now, I realize that the so-called encouragement of children is not always brainless praise.
Instead, we should have a sense of encouragement to praise children's cognition, emotions, and behaviors.
When a person is recognized and affirmed, his sense of worth will be greatly satisfied, and the brain will secrete a lot of "dopamine", making himself confident, positive, and actionable!
For example, if you don't do well in the exam, what is your child's attitude towards the grade? Is she depressed or completely indifferent?
Through my careful observation, I found that every time my daughter made a question or passed the exam, she was very excited.
Once she didn't do well in her exams, she was depressed.
This shows that in fact, she is unwilling and wants to get better. This willingness is to be encouraged and praised.
I keep this guideline in mind:
If you want your child to be self-motivated, encourage his willingness;
If you want your child to develop good habits, parents should encourage his behavior.
I watched and made my encouragement a habit for my daughter.
After dinner, my daughter went back to the house to do her homework, and I affirmed: "I am so positive and really interested in my studies." ”
My daughter excitedly told me that I solved a problem today, and I also responded positively: "It's amazing, brave dogs are not afraid of difficulties!"
Although my daughter was reluctant, she still finished writing the essay quickly, and I encouraged me in time: "You are demanding more and more from yourself now, this efficiency is very good!"
My "precise" encouragement can be exchanged for my daughter's smiling face every time.
I also found that after I made encouragement the main line of education, my daughter's behavior and habits developed more and more in a good direction.
The harder she worked, the easier it was to get positive feedback, and my daughter's self-confidence continued to increase day after day.
In just a few months, my daughter has undergone an almost radical change.
Her enthusiasm and action have been significantly improved, and her study habits such as learning efficiency and time management have become better and better, and her grades have naturally improved.
At the end of the second year of junior high school, my daughter took the grade 176 exam. According to the school's data in previous years, as long as you can be admitted to the top 200 in the grade, it will not be a problem to be admitted to the general high school. I finally let go of my hanging heart and hurriedly arranged a big meal for my daughter's favorite meal as encouragement.
My daughter was satisfied and told me not to get too happy: "Mom, where is this, I think I can still move forward! Now I obviously feel less struggling to learn, and I think I can be better." ”
The old mother's heart flew up instantly, and her heart was full of joy: "Then come on, my mother believes in you too much!"
In this way, using the right method, I finally helped my daughter develop good study habits and awakened her self-motivation to study!
My daughter's personal experience also proves that if you want to help your child develop good habits, it is useless to control, and to do a good job of empathy and encouragement is the right way.
May our children get better and better, and our families and lives will be happier and happier.