Shu Menglan, a literati of the Qing Dynasty, once wrote in "Diary of a Mountain Tour: August 13":
If the clouds are too dense, there will be no rain, and people will sit in chaos and see nothing.
This phrase was originally written about a special natural phenomenon, but it is also very suitable for social use.
The relationship between people is like clouds and raindrops, too close or too far, too sparse or too dense, it is not the best state.
Not far or close, in order to see the events, people's hearts, and emotions really.
In this way, you can not be confused, not trapped in love, and truly not be burdened by interpersonal relationships.
When you reach middle age, please remain moderately indifferent.
Source: Visual China
Being overzealous is a social disaster
It is said that the extremes of things must be reversed, and when things develop to the extreme, they will transform in the opposite direction.
The same applies in social situations.
When we are overzealous with a person, it often backfires, making the other person feel uncomfortable or even disgusted.
Imagine a scenario where you have a new friend who is being polite to you.
But it didn't take long for this new friend to start "caring" about you in every detail.
Not only does he or she call and message you frequently, but he or she also asks you about personal matters from time to time, even when you make it clear that you don't want to talk about certain topics.
Do you feel comfortable and pleasant in the face of such "enthusiasm"?
I'm afraid most people will find this a burden and an invasion.
Therefore, when dealing with others, we must learn to be measured and keep an appropriate distance.
Enthusiasm is good, but overzealism is a disaster.
Friend Xiaoxiao had a long period of low times, during which her family of origin, partner and friendship went wrong.
Her parents are too controlling and always want to manipulate her life, her boyfriend turns a blind eye to her efforts and often suppresses her value, and her friends treat her as an emotional trash can that they only contact when they need to talk......
Xiaoxiao thinks she is a kind and enthusiastic person, but she always sticks a hot face to a cold ass, and in the long run, she has doubts about her kind nature:
"Why should I be treated like this when I am so nice to others?!"
Laughing and grieving, she reluctantly turned to a psychological counselor, and after listening to her experience, the teacher said:
"You can try to take back your zeal a little. Once your kindness is not temperate, you will indulge in the dependence and malice of others. ”
In intimate relationships, it is not that the enthusiasm for giving is to be cherished by others, on the contrary, the gloom of human nature is that people instinctively despise what is easy to obtain.
There is no burden when you buy the special products in the mall, and it is not a pity to lose them, and the leftovers in the restaurant should be packed and brought back even if they may stink and become rancid the next day.
Is this because the quality of the two is so different? Not really.
Plain water is good for the stomach, but when people have more options, it is the first drink to be abandoned.
The same is true in interpersonal relationships, for people who believe in utilitarianism, your every move is secretly marking the price.
Being overzealous about other people's affairs can make you passive and unpleasant—how do you know if they need your help?
As the French writer Montaigne said, "Moderate enthusiasm is the most valuable, and too much is counterproductive." ”
In the interaction with people, we uphold the principle of "coming and going" and "asking and answering".
If someone asks, you can say it again, and if someone asks about it, you can help again.
If someone doesn't ask for help, you should wait and see instead of sticking it up enthusiastically. In that case, it is likely that you will end up doing bad things with good intentions and holding back your grievances.
Source: Visual China
Topic separation, a compulsory course for adults
Topic separation is a concept proposed in the field of psychology in recent years.
It means that in interpersonal communication, we should learn to distinguish between our own and others' issues, and take responsibility for our own issues without interfering in others' issues.
Although this concept may sound abstract, it is actually a reality that we adults have to face.
Let's take an example: let's say you have a friend who is struggling with work and he complains to you about a lot of dissatisfaction and confusion.
As a friend, you can listen to him and give him some advice and support, but you can't replace him in dealing with work problems, and you can't force him to change the situation according to your wishes.
Because work is his own problem, he needs to face and solve it by himself.
If you get too involved in his subject matter, it will not only make him feel uncomfortable and disgusted, but it will also affect your friendship.
What's worse is that if your advice really swayes his choices and it doesn't go as planned, he'll hold a grudge against you – even if it's the one he asked you to give him advice in the first place.
Learning to separate topics should be a compulsory course for all adults.
This does not mean that we should turn a blind eye and be indifferent to the difficulties and problems of others, but that we should respect the independence and autonomy of the other party, and not overstep our responsibilities and interfere excessively.
As the German philosopher Immanuel Kant said, "Man is human because he is rational, and the exercise of reason must be premised on freedom." ”
We should respect everyone's freedom and choice, and let them have the freedom to play, grow, and progress in their own issues.
Negative cases of topic separation often arise in parent-child relationships.
In the eyes of some parents, children do not understand their hard work, are not obedient and obedient enough, and live up to their good intentions, and from the perspective of children, parents are too controlling, do not pay attention to their own inner thoughts, and do not respect their individuality as a human being.
As a result, the parents complained about "raising their children for nothing", and the children burst into tears.
obviously has the closest blood relationship, but it creates a tragedy of mutual incomprehension.
In the parent-child relationship, the principle of "separation of subjects" should also be applied.
The essence is to respect the child's subjective initiative, respect his freedom to develop, the freedom to choose hobbies, and more importantly, respect the child's right to control his own life.
The parents' hearts are naturally good, but can others really take responsibility for their lives?
Source: Visual China
You can't feel at ease with your child like that, and you still don't believe him to put it bluntly. But we have to learn to let go after all, and let the child start his adventure in the big world independently.
It's okay to suggest, but you can't really make decisions for someone else.
Whether this person is your partner, a child, or your relative, a friend.
"Let go of the cross-human complex and respect the fate of others. ”
Don't try to change others on your own, and don't easily intervene in other people's cause and effect.
Topic separation is by no means selfish, but a rare kind of great wisdom.
All people are created equal, and everyone has their own issues to do, so why bother with mediocrity?
Dare to refuse is the greatest sobriety in the relationship
"The Malleable Me" says:
"Most people live by what others expect of you, not what they really think. So in a sense, it's not easy to say no to someone. ”
True. In life, it is inevitable that you will encounter all kinds of requests.
Sometimes, these requests may be beyond our means, go against our principles, or even harm our interests.
But for a variety of reasons – such as face, affection, etc. – we still say "yes" to others.
However, the courage to say no is the key to staying sober in relationships.
The courage to say no does not mean that we become callous, but that we learn to say "no" when appropriate, stand our ground, and not cede our interests to those who do not deserve it.
A person who always says "yes" and "all right" is not easy for others to see his real needs, and naturally he cannot let others know his bottom line.
We advocate kindness and helpfulness, but we do not lose our individuality and let ourselves become tigers without fangs and roses with spikes cut off.
Sometimes, rejection is more indicative than many things.
The rejection of this behavior itself comes with a filtering function.
Those who know you will not blame you even if you reject their requests, and those who approach you with a purpose will show their true colors when you reject them.
Lao Wang is a well-known good man in ten miles and eight towns.
He honors his father-in-law and mother-in-law at home, he will help his grandmother cross the road when he goes out, the dumplings will always eat the most broken skin, and the unit will send benefits, and when the gift is gone, he also waved his hand and said "no need".
Everyone around him said that he was a "living Lei Feng", praising him for putting others before himself and having a noble character.
Once, a friend came to his house as a guest, and after a long time, he said that he had come for loan sharks and needed a guarantor.
It's not that Lao Wang hasn't heard of the vicious incidents related to usury, if this friend runs away in the middle, isn't he responsible?
He didn't do it, he resolutely didn't do it.
However, the friend knelt down in front of Lao Wang with a thud, and kept putting on a high hat for him, patting his chest to promise that he would be trustworthy.
Lao Wang agreed.
As a result, less than half a year after the matter was finalized, the friend failed in business and ran away with a blanket roll.
In life, because of a moment of soft-heartedness and lack of refusal, are there fewer things that bring trouble to yourself?
But there are always some people who take chances, thinking that bad things won't happen to them.
In fact, those who have ulterior motives will pick on you.
When ordering, friends with unique tastes are always easier to take care of.
Learning to refuse and boldly show the sword is a kind of love for oneself and a kind of respect for the relationship-
How can you expect to have a sincere friendship with someone who doesn't even respect your bottom line?
Source: Visual China
epilogue
Pierce Anthony said, "Good relationships are not just about finding common ground, it's about respecting each other's differences. ”
Maintaining a moderate level of indifference is a kind of "difference thinking".
It is based on individual differences, but it does not exclude the emotional connection between people, it seems to be a clean one, but it is full of great wisdom of interpersonal communication.
In any relationship, if you want to be stable and long-term, you should do the following:
Respect the lives of others and don't be overzealous;
Respect the fate of others and do a good job of separating topics;
Respect your own needs and dare to say no to others.
Only by maintaining a moderate level of indifference can you be comfortable in interpersonal relationships.
In this way, one does not hurt others or wrongs oneself, does not lose manners, and remains sober and free.
In the end, may we all be nourished in our relationship, worry-free, and relaxed.
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Author: Zhelin, taking words as a forest, planting wisdom and insight.