Psychology: Please use 3 ways to "praise" your child correctly

Hello everyone, I'm Cuckoo~

A parent asked me, "My child always likes to be praised, what should I do?" When you praise him, he is willing to do things, and if you don't praise him, he won't do it. What the hell is going on?

The desire to be praised is actually a part of human nature. If my husband compliments me every day, I will feel happier.

So, why do we like to be praised?

From a psychological point of view, what we need is to be recognized.

If you praise me, it means that you agree with me. Since I identify with me, then I feel worthy. As soon as people are valuable, they live a meaningful life, and they are more willing to do things that are recognized.

That's how it works. Children like to be praised, but they actually like their own value to be seen and want to be recognized.

However, the phrase "you are awesome" is easy for children to become dependent.

Because what the child hears is your evaluation of the results, not the recognition of his efforts, processes, and values.

Then, slowly, he will only care about whether the result is good or not, whether he wins or not, and whether he is the first. I don't think about how to improve, how to improve my ability, and how to do better after failure.

As a result, he is prone to shackling his potential.

How can we correctly "praise" our children, so that they can see their own value, become better and more capable?

One: Two principles

If we want our children to feel empowered and valuable, we need to keep in mind the following two principles when we "praise" our children.

●No Unnecessary Ratio

When a child does not do well, we should not compare him with others: "You see whoever you are, you don't have to worry about your parents, you can learn well, you look at you, why can't you learn from others?"

This kind of comparison will directly hit the child's self-confidence, and may also make him label himself as "I can't do it", and feel that he can't do anything, can't do it, and is not as good as others.

When a child is doing well, we should not compare him with him: "Ah, you are so good, no one else is as good as you, you see that no one is as good as you." ”

In this way, the child is easy to be proud. If you hold it high like this, you will fall hard next time. It's good to be able to get up if you fall, but I'm afraid that I'm too proud and can't get up if I fall.

●夸得要形体

Compliments like "you're awesome" are vague and broad. Awesome, what's great? You can just say two things.

If you don't be specific, how do I know if you really approve of me or perfunctory me?

When we truly recognize our child, we might as well think about it, where is his specific excellence?

For example, if a child writes well, it is specifically that: these words are neatly written, neat, every stroke is very clear, and the whole page looks clean and gives people a comfortable feeling.

If the child does well in the Chinese test, we can also find out where the specific advantages are: the ancient poems are written correctly, and the reading comprehension is not deducted, which is due to the fact that you usually read a lot of books and accumulate a lot.

The more specific the praise, the more the child can see his own abilities and the harder he will try.

Two: 3 ways to praise children

Knowing the principle of praising children, we need to understand next, how to "praise"?

"Five Learning Hats for Children" mentions that parents can correctly "praise" their children in the following 3 ways.

(1) The first type: descriptive

Descriptive, that is, without any evaluation, objectively describe what you see, hear, and feel, the more specific the better.

Cuckoo's mother also likes to use descriptive conversations with Bu Niu in her daily life.

For example, Bu Niu dragged Bu Gu Ma to the living room, pointed and said, "Look!"

When Mama Cuckoo saw it, she cleaned up the living room. But instead of commenting on "you cleaned up the house", I use a descriptive statement:

"I saw that the books were all on the shelves, the toys on the couch were put into the toy box, the cups on the table were arranged in a row, and the scraps of paper on the floor were back in the trash. ”

At this time, Bu Niu will proudly say, "I did it!"

Cuckoo's mother will then approve of her again: "Mom is really happy to see you take the initiative to clean up the house after playing." ”

This kind of recognition will make children more responsible and motivated to do something.

(2) The second type: appreciation

Many parents say that their children are really inconsiderate of their parents at all, and they ask him to help him do something, which is unreliable at all.

Try appreciative expressions: "Thank you." ”

A friend of Cuckoo's mother said that when she was changing Erbao's diaper, Dabao kept pestering her to play. The friend said to Erbao, "Mom needs your help, can you help me bring the trash can?"

After Dabao took the trash can, his friend said, "Thank you for helping me, otherwise I would be too busy to hold my sister and find a trash can to change her diaper." ”

After hearing this, Dabao was very happy and showed a capable look: "Mom, what else do you need from me? Do you want to take paper? Or take my sister's clothes?"

When we say "thank you" to our child, we are in itself a form of respect, respect for his dedication and affirmation of his ability. This will let the child know that his worth is seen and recognized.

(3) The third type: empowerment

The best way to empower children is the trust of parents.

When you trust your child, you will not make decisions about everything, but give him a certain amount of space to learn to grow on his own.

For example, when your child asks you "how to write this word", you don't tell him the answer directly, but put the dictionary in front of him and say, "Mom believes that you can find the answer in the dictionary, and if you don't know how to use the reference book, you can ask me for help." ”

Trust from the heart can give strength in itself, so that children can see their own abilities and achieve through hard work.

Whether they are frustrated or do well, children want to be recognized.

If we want our child to be better and better, we can't just say "you're awesome", but really find out where he is great, and then affirm and encourage him.

Only in this way will children discover their own value and tap into their potential.

The above 3 ways to "praise" children, use them quickly~

[The picture comes from the Internet, invaded and deleted]

About the author:Cuckoo mother, psychological counselor, family education instructor, marriage emotional counselor, focusing on children's psychology, understanding children's easy parenting, if you like it, pay attention to it~