When "over-education" becomes a mountain on the road to children's growth

The most important characteristic of "over-education" is over-assistance and over-protection, and "over-education" is also reflected in over-protection of children's self-esteem. Behind the "over-education" is the excessive fear in the hearts of the parents themselves. The child must be happy, unwilling to endure watching his child get hurt, fail or make a mistake, and unwilling to accept uncertainty. They reach into every aspect of their child's life and try to hold every uncertainty down. But is it really a good life if there is no indeterminacy?

■ Gao Lin

On weekends outside the class, the teacher asked us to start with this sentence and tell a story: "Every child has ...... when they are young" I was going to say: "Every child has jumped over rubber bands and played with sandbags when they were young...... but I swallowed the words back because I know that children nowadays really don't necessarily play with them. In the future, I'm afraid I won't have a chance.

Who's to blame for the 10 minutes of disappearance?

Last year, various media outlets reported on one thing: the disappearance of 10 minutes between classes. In some schools, teachers will watch the classroom for 10 minutes between classes, and children are not allowed to play outside the school building, or even out of the classroom, except for fetching water and going to the toilet, they can only sit quietly. How did a school that was supposed to be thriving become like this?

I have seen a set of data: the myopia rate of primary and secondary school students in mainland China has reached 52.7%, and the overweight and obesity rate of Chinese adolescents aged 6-17 is nearly 20%, in addition, mental health problems cannot be ignored.

It is conceivable that if even 10 minutes between classes are deprived, will the myopia rate, obesity rate, and depression rate skyrocket?

Think about when we were in school, we talked about the development of "morality, intelligence, physical fitness, beauty and labor". Why is it that the current school does not even give children a 10-minute recess? Is it a problem of the school? When a child falls down in physical education class, parents go to the school in a rage, hoping that the school will "give an attitude." There are also students who broke their bones during military training, and their parents claimed 1.51 million yuan from the school. The school is also very aggrieved, since it can't resist the parents, the safest way can only be a one-size-fits-all approach.

Restless parents, over-education

Recently I read a very interesting book, "Maybe You Should Have Someone to Talk To". The author, Lori Gottlieb, is a veteran psychotherapist. She once published an article that caused a huge sensation in the United States, called "How to Raise a Child in Need of Psychotherapy".

While she was doing psychotherapy, she noticed a strange phenomenon. People always think that people with psychological problems generally have such a miserable family of origin: irritable mother, indifferent father, and no love since childhood...... However, more and more young people who walk into the counseling room today will say that they actually like their parents very much, and that their parents have a good relationship with them, take care of them, and are always on call like friends. However, these young people always complain in the end: I don't know what to complain about, but I have no direction at all!

As one of the visitors put it, "If my parents knew I was here, they would feel like a failure." But at the same time, maybe they'll be happy that I'm here, because they want me to be happy. ”

So why is it that the more obsessed they are with their children's happiness, the easier it is to send them to the psychotherapy room?

The biggest characteristic of "over-education" is over-assistance and over-protection: parents over-help their children with various tasks out of good intentions. For example, when a child is preparing for a class drawing competition, he or she will help or ghostwrite directly, hoping that the child will win the prize, so as to build confidence.

When the child is not around, parents will try to influence others: for example, ask the class teacher to "not use a red pen to correct homework", because they are afraid that it will hurt the child's self-esteem. Or it's like the disappearing 10 minutes of recess – parents are worried that their children will bump and bump in the school, put pressure on the school, and finally there will be no 10 minutes between classes.

It seems that the child is safe, but in fact it is even less safe. Paul Bohn, a psychiatrist at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA), explains: "When a child trips over a rock in the playground, some parents immediately rush over it, and before the child is crying, the parents begin to comfort her. This can in turn make the child feel insecure – not only on the playground, but also in life. Because if you don't let her go through that brief moment of confusion, give her time to figure out what just happened, and then let her get over the brief frustration of a fall and try to get up again, she won't know what it's like to be 'uncomfortable'. And when she feels unwell later in life, there is no 'grip' to deal with. And if the parents let the child try to get back on her feet and comfort her, the child will understand: Oh, that moment was terrible, but I'm fine now. If something unpleasant happens in the future, I can overcome it too. ”

"Over-education" is also reflected in over-protecting children's self-esteem.

Parents always tell their children how different and talented he is, so that children are not used to any constructive criticism or overestimate their uniqueness in the crowd. What they feel from childhood is not that they are good, but that they are better than others. The result is that while your child may seem confident, that confidence is fragile.

Because their "self" is built on "a false self in the eyes of others."

Of course, the practice of "over-education" of parents at home and abroad is different, but one thing remains the same: behind "over-education" is the excessive fear in the hearts of parents themselves.

The child must be happy, unwilling to endure watching his child get hurt, fail or make a mistake, and unwilling to accept uncertainty.

They reach into every aspect of their child's life and try to hold every uncertainty down. But is it really a good life if there is no indeterminacy?

Be the path of a child, don't be a mountain

Recently, I read a book with you in the book club called "Educated Like a Bird Flying to Your Mountain".

It is an autobiographical book based on real experiences, and the author, Tara, did not go to school until she was 17 years old. Her life is not to mention "over-education", and it is even difficult to get involved with "education".

Tara's father, who has always lived in fear of time. Convinced that the end would come one day, he moved his family to the mountains and lived in isolation. The family lives in a garbage dump, and none of their seven children go to school, seek medical care, or even have a hukou. Paranoid dad, silent mom, violent brother. Tara's family of origin really couldn't be worse.

But guess what? She went to university through self-study, and in just six years, she received a master's degree in philosophy from Cambridge, a visiting scholar at Harvard on a scholarship, and a doctorate in history from Cambridge University.

Isn't it amazing and inspiring? So how does a person who hasn't been in a classroom before the age of 17 do it? Because school education is not the only education.

In an interview, Tara said what she thinks "is true education": education should be an expansion of ideas, a deepening of empathy, and a broadening of horizons. Education shouldn't make your prejudices more stubborn. If people are educated, they should become less certain, not more certain.

Think about it, can our children really expand their minds by brushing up on questions? can they really deepen their empathy by not having conflicts with their classmates? can they really broaden their horizons by not going out of the classroom?

Of course, as a parent who has just sent his child to university, I deeply understand that in the face of the pressure of going to higher education in the general environment, what parents can do is really limited. The pursuit of certainty in society as a whole, reflected in the education system, is the pursuit of "achievement". And the greatest protection you can give your child is to help your child fight for a little uncertain space. Because uncertainty is a necessary factor in the growth of children. Uncertainty brings setbacks, but we learn from failures.

Uncertainty brings truth because it tells us how the world is working. Uncertainty brings fear, but how to live with negative emotions is a must for everyone.

If parents want to try to press down all the uncertainties, it seems to help their children reduce a lot of difficulties in growing up, but in fact, they are also depriving them of the right to grow on their own.

In the book "You Should Be Like a Bird Flying to Your Mountain", the reason why Tara was able to get out of the mountain is related to her second brother. The second brother is the only one in the family who cares about her, and he plays music for Tara that she hasn't heard and tells stories she doesn't know. It was this that allowed Tara to see the way out of the mountain.

Parents, don't be a mountain around your child, become his road to the future. It is said that many publishers later asked Lori to write a parenting book, but she refused. "Every extra book on the topic of parenting is like pouring salt on the wounds of parents," she said. "Yes, it's not easy to be a parent! If you do too little, you feel guilty, and if you do too much, you say "over-education" is like walking on thin ice, and it's not at all. But isn't that what it's all about being a parent?—— growing up with your child.

Source: China Women's Daily