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18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

 Why it matters Raising a child is an extremely draining and laborious process. How to realize that while children grow up healthily, parents can also self-heal and grow together? The 18-year "Growth Diary" not only witnessed the bumpy road for her daughter to enter the world's top conservatory, but also soothed countless parenting anxieties...... I hope that in the new year, everyone can be less anxious and more down-to-earth.

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文丨Jennifer    编丨May

In the 18 years from conception to adulthood, how many undercurrents does a child have to go through before he can smoothly reach the "safe harbor" in his parents' hearts?

Other people's children who seem to be quite "successful", is the parenting road behind it really as smooth as imagined, and won the "genetic lottery"?

Chen Qiong, the producer and chief editor of the youth mental health education column "Growth", is also a media person with a background in education, and has a Xi of writing a diary when she was a student.

From the day she became pregnant, her diary naturally changed to a "mother's perspective", detailing the child's growth from birth, enrollment to university, as well as her own educational journey. That's 18 years to write.

18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

Chen Qiong wrote a thick stack of diaries recording her daughter's growth

Now, after graduating from the Central Conservatory of Music, her daughter gave up the $25,000 scholarship from the Boston Conservatory of Music and applied to the world's top New England Conservatory of Music, becoming one of the three students in the choral conducting major from all over the world.

The process of writing a "growth diary" gave Chen Qiong a special understanding of education. Countless times of self-observation of self-emotion, relief and counseling of anxiety have also allowed her to achieve self-healing in the current educational involution.

In her newly published book "The Whispers That Moms Only Say to Their Daughters", she positions herself as "a low-key middle-aged beautiful girl who keeps growing up on the road to growth".

And this thick stack of more than a dozen "growth diaries" has also become an excellent sample of family education observation.

18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

"Division of labor" within the family is important

Speaking of writing a growth diary, Chen Qiong bluntly said that it may mean more to herself than to her daughter.

"It's like 'narrative therapy' in counselling technology, where people have a place to talk about their anger, their meltdowns, their insecurity, their anxiety. When these emotions are poured out, many things seem to go smoothly, and it is easy to find solutions. ”

In Chen Qiong's eyes, her daughter has never been a top student, since elementary school, her test scores can only be average in the class, and she has hardly scored a perfect score. The most impressive time, more than 20 children in the class scored 100 points, and my daughter woke up crying in her sleep: "What should I do, I can't pass the test;

Chen Qiong's husband, who graduated with a major in art, has been engaged in music education in college. When her daughter was a child, she learned piano and was instructed by him.

But the child's father is an "acute child", and he is also very strict with his daughter, pursuing "high-pressure education".

Every time I see my daughter not practicing well and grinding hard, I will be angry;

He also blindly increased the difficulty of Xi, making his daughter feel unprecedented pressure and grievances.

The big war between father and daughter is often on the verge of breaking out.

18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

The daughter is also a very stubborn child with a strong personality. Since she was a child, as long as she believes in things, she often does not stop until she reaches her goal. quarreled with us, waving his little fists all over the sky, slapping the table and stomping his feet, and the whole person was like an angry lion cub. ”

In order to calm the smoke of the family, Chen Qiong immediately decided to re-do the family division of labor with her husband when her daughter was in the second grade of primary school.

She asked her husband to "take a back seat", only at the key juncture of going on to higher education and choosing a school, to provide advice and grasp the general direction, and she was "on the front line" for her daughter's daily study Xi, piano practice, including parent-teacher conferences and other occasions that were easy to move.

After changing the division of labor, because of "out of sight and out of mind", the child's father's mood was obviously much calmer, and Chen Qiong embarked on a long journey of "reconciling with the child and reconciling with herself".

In countless days, she would sit alone at the head of the bed and put her inner thoughts into writing. In the dead of night, the diary is a great place to confide.

Over the years, because she has been doing educational talk shows, Chen Qiong has come into contact with all kinds of students and families. She found that most of the children's problems actually stem from the tension in family relationships. If a child can be equal and respected in the family, can be listened to by his parents, and does not suppress his inner vitality, he can often find an outlet for his life.

Therefore, she firmly believes that a good parent-child relationship and respect for a child's ideas and wishes are particularly important for a child's personality formation.

Since her daughter is not a natural scholar, taking a tough "chicken baby" method may backfire, Chen Qiong simply holds the most important things in her life for her - a healthy and complete personality, independent ability, and a loving attitude of life.

Whenever she fell into anxiety, she reviewed, sorted out, and reviewed it over and over again in her diary.

18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents
18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

Growing up is a process of letting go and compromising

I have to say that at the critical juncture of the child's schooling journey, the father who "takes a back seat" can often play an important role. Under his guidance, her daughter changed her path to higher education and was lucky to be admitted to a prestigious school.

When she was in junior high school, the child's father gave full play to his advantages in the field of art education, analyzed her current achievements and advantages and disadvantages for his daughter, and suggested that she change her art direction.

It just so happens that a key high school in Chen Qiong's city began to recruit the first batch of artistic students with artistic specialties in drama (musical theater direction) (only 5 students), mainly examining three aspects: recitation, dance and vocal music. And her daughter has been learning dance and vocal music since she was a child, and her voice and singing skills are good, and she has won the highest level of vocal music exams.

The father suggested that his daughter try to take the high school drama (musical theater direction) for special students.

The daughter, who has been "screwing" with her father, listened to her father's advice for the first time this time.

It was this key guidance of the child's father that directly changed the trajectory of his daughter's education. Later, she was really admitted to this high school as an art student.

What's even more gratifying is that the three-year musical theater major in high school Xi completely brought out what she was good at outside of her Xi.

Since elementary school, my daughter has been an entertainment activist in the school, and often volunteers to help teachers organize art activities, from registration to organization, from hosting to performance, from singing to dancing, from venue arrangement to event planning, like a "villain" in front of and behind the stage.

18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

Some parents may feel that their children's "average grades" and still worry about school activities are a bit "unprofessional".

Chen Qiong's idea is also very simple, "A Puwa can finally find a stage for herself to shine in school, as a parent, what reason do I have not to support it?"

Unexpectedly, the experience of participating in on-campus and off-campus activities in primary and junior high schools has exercised her daughter's stage performance, organization and planning, communication and coordination skills, and made her like a fish in water in the three years of professional learning Xi high school.

Later, she actually won the first place in the province in the art examination, and she also passed five levels and six generals, and was admitted to the Central Conservatory of Music, successfully counterattacking.

On the front of the counterattack story, it is the child's father's "turning stones into gold", but on the back of the story, it is actually "compromise" again and again.

Chen Qiong said frankly that on the way of her daughter's growth, as a parent, there are too many places to compromise with her daughter. Even her daughter finally embarked on the road of art with her "vocal music" specialty, which is actually the result of "compromise".

Since the middle of kindergarten, my daughter has been learning the piano until the second or third grade of primary school, and she is determined to give up. During that time, Mr. Chen Qionghe tried his best and used countless brains.

But the little girl is also very stubborn, and she refuses to touch the piano for anything. Forced to endure the heartache, they had to compromise and allow their daughter to change to another instrument.

Who would have thought that her daughter actually chose "singing", and the reason made people laugh and cry - she wanted to choose an instrument that was not troublesome and could be carried around. Because the throat grows on oneself, you can take it with you.

Mr. Chen Qionghe knows very well that compared to learning a musical instrument, "vocal music" is too niche. And what can be done?

"Don't look at the child's father as a professional in the field of music, I am also a professional in education, but our opinions, ideas, and experience are almost not worth mentioning in the face of the child's stubbornness. ”

18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

For their daughter's choice, they can only bite the bullet and give as much support as possible.

The child's father found a teacher from outside the school who specializes in children's voice teaching, and when he reached the junior high school voice change period, he entrusted his school colleague to be his daughter's vocal music teacher to regulate his daughter's breath during the voice change period. Because of this, her daughter got more professional singing training.

Later, there were also some hiccups in the choice of college majors.

The third year of high school is approaching the college entrance examination, and my daughter suddenly wants to take the "musical theater director" major on a whim. Chen Qiong was anxious, she didn't have any professional foundation in the early stage, how could she rely on this kick in the door? And the directing major was not what she thought at all.

However, where is the little girl willing to listen to her parents' persuasion?

It is said that "foreign monks are good at chanting", Chen Qiong had to invite a colleague from the TV station who graduated from the drama directing department to do her daughter's ideological work. After the director colleague had a heartfelt conversation with his daughter, her daughter was no longer stubborn.

Eventually, the child listened to his father's advice and applied for the "Music Education" major. To a certain extent, this major is a "general education" in the field of art, involving dance, vocal music, performance and other skills to learn Xi, and the exit is also wide, you can not only go to primary and secondary school music teachers after graduation, but also continue your studies while exploring the subdivision direction to take in the future.

18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

However, how can the child's development path be planned by the parents? The daughter has finally embarked on a path of her own.

During college, her daughter got an opportunity to Xi at the Franz Liszt Conservatory of Music because of her professional grades, and began to become interested in the "choral conducting" major.

This major is so niche that few universities in China even offer it separately.

In order to be able to study and Xi professionally, my daughter gave up the Central Conservatory of Music and the $25,000 scholarship from the Boston Conservatory of Music, looking forward to entering the New England Conservatory of Music, which is ranked among the top five music conservatories in the world. The school's conducting program has only 3 students worldwide.

18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

The conservatory is also the oldest independent conservatory in the United States, located in Boston, where about half of the world-renowned Boston Symphony Orchestra concertmasters come from.

The daughter's application process was also full of twists and turns. After the online interview, the school did not hear back for a long time. But the choice she decided on would not be given up easily. Instead of sitting anxiously waiting every day, it is better to take the initiative and try to write an email to communicate with a professional tutor to express her strong desire to study.

Later, my daughter finally waited for an offer from her dream school, and was lucky enough to become a choral conducting student at the New England Conservatory of Music, and is now in her second year of graduate school.

18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

The mother congratulated her daughter on being admitted in the circle of friends (at that time, I thought that there were only 2 people in the world for this major)

Now, in the process of graduate school, my daughter has applied for a second master's degree, and plans to cross the border between "art" and "business" in the future......

Chen Qiong sighed that the times are developing, if you look at it from a traditional perspective, many of the children's choices are no longer understandable to parents, and they may not be the "best choice" in their parents' hearts.

But the road ahead, after all, is the child's own, and it depends on her to go step by step. As a parent, in addition to giving the best support and guidance you can, all that remains is to trust and let go.

18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

Keeping a growth diary healed my anxiety

Different from the turning point of going on to higher education and choosing a school, insisting on writing a "growth diary" for 18 years is more like a silent and subtle influence on children's education.

In Chen Qiong's view, the process of writing a diary has soothed countless collapses and anxieties for herself over the past ten years, fighting wits and courage with children day after day.

"Although I studied pedagogy, when I had a child, I would find that all the educational theories failed in her. The 'art of war' in those books is not used at all when it comes to your own children. ”

My daughter's grades have not been top-notch since she was a child, and she is very attentive and energetic about things other than Xi school. For example, he is particularly obsessed with mobile phones. Bitter words, knowing with emotion and reason, signing a letter of commitment for the management of mobile phone use...... Chen Qiong tried it all over, but her daughter could always turn over the tricks and secretly use her mobile phone.

This made Chen Qiong fall into self-doubt for a while.

18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

Fortunately, the process of writing a diary greatly calmed her anxiety.

Once, when my daughter was taking the placement test for her graduating class of elementary school the next day, she didn't Xi her homework and had to learn Palapala dance online in order to participate in a school performance.

Chen Qiong was so anxious that she scratched her heart, but she couldn't show it. Because she knows that her daughter has a strong personality, she must do what she thinks. If you force it at this moment, it will be more painful than killing her, and it will also make every corner of the house permeated with the breath of pain.

So, I watched my daughter tirelessly jump from 8 p.m. to 10 p.m. following the teaching video on the computer...... She really wanted to rush up and turn off the computer, but she couldn't bear to see her daughter so devoted.

That night, she combed through her diary, how did this tearing and pulling sensation come about.

"Investing so much time and energy in recreational activities is not worth her further education, and if she is forced to spend more time on Xi, she may be able to get more marks."

But how exactly does she choose, is she really responsible? Does she really accept this kind of compulsory responsibility?"

After many such soul tortures, Chen Qiong is getting closer and closer to the answer in her heart.

Sometimes, in the process of writing a diary, you can also sort out the messy life and come up with solutions.

For a while, my daughter's mood was unusually bad and she had to cry almost every day. Chen Qiong was also irritated by her daughter, and she couldn't ask why.

In the diary, she let go of her anxiety and made various observations and speculations from the perspective of a bystander:

"My daughter has been crying a lot lately, could it be that her father's method and attitude of teaching piano made her feel aggrieved and stressed?

Did she actually want to play in her heart, but she didn't dare to say it, so she used tears for no reason to vent?

I've been busy with work lately, so my neglect of her company has made her feel unnoticed?"

After sorting it out, the method will come. On the one hand, Chen Qiong began to provide psychological counseling to her daughter, and on the other hand, she also intervened in the child's practice and formulated a practice goal suitable for the child at this stage.

In this way, the little sun on her daughter's face slowly appeared again, and the old mother was also relieved.

18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

There are many more cases like this. Chen Qiong admits that if she doesn't sort it out in a timely manner, she may fall into helplessness and anxiety for a long time, leading to a vicious circle.

18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

Set "stage goals" to return education to its original intention

The daily record and review also allowed Chen Qiong to reflect on her original intention of education again and again, and make trade-offs more calmly.

My daughter's writing speed was very slow at the beginning of elementary school, and she came back crying on the first day of school, saying that the teacher wrote silently from 1 to 10, and she hadn't even finished writing her name, and the other children had already finished writing....

In primary school, there will be some optional extended Xi problems in math homework, compared to many students who have made up the "Olympiad", my daughter has a lot of effort to do, and often spends a lot of time stumbling on these problems, and there is no progress.

What should I do, should I be anxious because I did not attend a kindergarten bridging class, and should I follow the crowd to make up for the "Olympiad" that my child is not interested in?

Chen Qiong reflected in her diary, what is the purpose of learning Xi and writing homework? Is it just to let children learn to solve those problems? Or should children use these questions as a starting point to cultivate and develop their good habits XiXi of life and learning, and exercise their ability to solve practical problems in life?

Thinking about this, Chen Qiong simply searched for answers on the Internet with her children, so that the children could judge the correctness of the steps to solve the problems, and some search tools could also give reference questions. Over time, computers have become a natural learning tool in the eyes Xi of children. After junior high school, my daughter also used computers to learn Xi chemistry, physics and other subjects.

In this way, whenever she looks back on what kind of training goals she values more in the process of her children's growth, Chen Qiong's anxiety has been alleviated by more than half.

18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

"Since the child was born and went to kindergarten, my original intention in educating my daughter is to expect her to become an independent and adaptable person, and I don't need to worry about going anywhere in the world in the future. ”

Under the big goal, Chen Qiong's stage training focuses on - primary school Xi, junior high school morality, high school quality, university grades, and choice after graduation.

For example, in primary school, she pays more attention to children's time management Xi habits, eating habits, Xi Xi eating habits, sleep habits, and life Xi habits, including the Xi habits of receiving people and things.

In junior high school, children reach adolescence and are very susceptible to environmental influences, during this time, they put their friends first and are more distant from their parents.

"Those who are close to Zhu are red, and those who are close to ink are black", so Chen Qiong will pay special attention to the children's friendships, and will also invite the children's classmates and parents to come to the house as guests, forming a more familiar circle with each other. "Today, even though the children have gone their separate ways, we parents are still good friends." ”

Adolescent children also have a characteristic, that is, they are emotionally hot, like a powder keg that explodes at a moment. "Instead of putting off your child's rebellion until high school, let her explode early. ”

Because of psychological preparation, whenever she encounters conflicts and quarrels, Chen Qiong will allow the child to burst into a rage and release it, so that her emotions have a feeling of being trapped. Sure enough, when she reached high school, her daughter was able to think more rationally and maturely about her studies and life.

In high school, Chen Qiong hopes that children will have the opportunity to appreciate and create beauty in their daily learning and Xi, and can have certain aesthetic qualities in their future lives.

Therefore, whether it is the purchase of personal belongings or the addition of decorations at home, she will be asked to be the "art director" for advice. Since she was a child, her daughter has also had enough say in her personal dress.

When her daughter was in elementary school, she used to like to wear black-framed decorative glasses, and although she was a bit "out of the mainstream" and risked being criticized by her teachers, Chen Qiong also supported her in exploring her favorite personal style.

Why did you start to focus on grades when you got to college?

"I've always felt that when I got to college, my parents didn't play a big role anymore. If a child can still maintain a strong desire to learn Xi, have enthusiasm for learning Xi, and have a strong self-motivation when he or she reaches university, then the success of education is the success of education. ”

18 years of "growth diary", accompanied her to witness her daughter's path to study: a good education, perfect children and heal parents

What makes Chen Qiong happy is that although her daughter has not been at the top since she was a child, her professional performance can be among the best in college, and she has been funded by the China Scholarship Fund to study abroad for Xi year, which shows that her enthusiasm for learning and Xi self-motivation have not been destroyed.

After graduating and entering society, children will face various choices, including what kind of partner to choose, which city to choose to live in, and what kind of lifestyle to choose...... The cultivation of the previous stages is precisely to lay the foundation for the child's choice ability in this period.

Looking back, Chen Qiong sighed that her daughter's growth has come out of the blue.

The daughter gave up the qualification of the Central Conservatory of Music to obtain an offer from her dream school, and she was able to properly arrange her studies and life, and the whole process did not worry her parents.....

It is undeniable that the growth of a child is the result of the combined action of many factors. Among them are the child's personal talents, character, the resources and support that parents can give, and even some unpredictable luck......

If these are uncontrollable parts, then writing a growth diary is precisely a kind of controllability for Chen Qiong and her daughter.

"We all need an outlet to confide, it may be to write a diary, or it may be something else, to relieve parents' confusion about education and anxiety about the unknown, so that we can accept ourselves and our children more peacefully, and accept the uncertainty on the road of life. ”

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