4 years after committing suicide, Shirley was on the hot search again: raising a girl like this is destined to be a tragedy
Children with a "pleaser" mentality have been wronged to fulfill others and have never achieved true happiness.
Parents must affirm and encourage their children, guide them to follow their true inner thoughts to live, and give them the confidence to be themselves.
Author | Potato Mom
A few days ago, I inadvertently swiped the hot search of Korean actress Cui Xueli.
Four years after her suicide, her posthumous work "To the Truth" was launched for the first time.
This girl, who is always smiling, revealed her truest heart and the most painful side in the interview.
As a mother, the more I look at it, the more worrying I become.
Her tragedy also made me deeply aware of:
has a daughter at home, don't let her develop a "pleaser" mentality.
Shirley is a girl who didn't grow up in love.
When she was 7 years old, her parents divorced, and Shirley, her brother and brother lived alone with her mother.
In order to make ends meet, her mother has little time to spend with her.
As for her father, her memory is also very vague, and she can only remember the picture of her father always lying on his side playing with his mobile phone.
Her most memorable childhood experience was when her father's colleague gave her a Barbie doll set, she dismantled her head and hands, and painted the doll red.
Her mother punished her for this, and she never bought her a Barbie doll since.
Because she is afraid of being abandoned and losing her love, she strives to become a perfect obedient child to please her mother.
She didn't like green, but her mom did, so she told everyone that her favorite was green.
Since she was a child, she has been obedient to her mother.
Even if he becomes a top-notch idol, he will give all his income to his mother every month, and if he wants living expenses, he has to apply to get them.
In the documentary, she described her relationship with her mother as follows:
It's like twins or doppelgangers.
At her mother's place, she hid her true self because she was afraid that she would do something wrong and her mother would leave.
(Shirley's Diary)
Coupled with the identity of an idol, she has to wear a "mask" at all times, look at people's faces, disguise herself, and pretend to be cheerful and confident.
Later, she even became a person who couldn't stop laughing, which has become her muscle memory.
She always habitually blames herself and blames herself for all her problems.
When a friend is implicated by herself, she will feel particularly guilty;
was maliciously slandered, and she also felt that it was all her own fault;
wanted to sue the rumor-monger, but she learned that the other party was still a student in school, and she was afraid that others would become a person with a criminal record because of her, so she finally chose to forgive.
When she mentions the past, she can't help but want to cry, but she still asks the director "Can I cry", because she is afraid of messing up the interview...
She thinks about others everywhere, but she aims a sharp knife at herself.
Eventually, in the midst of constant self-deprecation and self-attack, she suffered from depression and went to a dead end.
Writer Liu Na once said:
"All the excessive repression and excessive grievances will eventually be crusaded by a long life.
A pleasing personality that uses academics, love, marriage, and interpersonal relationships, and over-consideration of others and excessive self-sacrifice. ”
If a girl is accustomed to pleasing and pandering from an early age, most of her life will be miserable.
Having a friend by his side is also a typical "pleasing personality".
One summer vacation, she booked a plane ticket and a hotel for her outing, but her aunt wanted her to tutor her niece in junior high school.
She was very unhappy, but she nodded and agreed.
In her life, similar situations abound:
When sitting in the car, even if you are very sick, you don't dare to say "stop smoking" to the driver, or ask "let in the window of the car".
When she went to the barbershop, she just wanted to cut her hair shorter, but the barber complained a little, and she got a membership card for 2,000 yuan.
Although she wanted to reject others countless times in her heart, in the end, it turned into a "good" on her lips.
In the contradiction of insisting on herself and catering to others, she was entangled, internally struggling, and miserable every day, and finally had to seek help from a psychiatrist.
In the book "Pleasing is a Disease", it states:
"There's a big misconception about pleasing people, and many people think it's a benign state of mind, after all, it seems like it's always good to be treated as a good person.
But the reality is that many people-pleasers are no longer simply pleasing others, but uncontrollably pleasing others, subconsciously sacrificing themselves, and even becoming addicted to appreciation and recognition from others. ”
What is even more tragic is that the more humble the pleaser is, the more carefully he considers the feelings and attitudes of others, and the less he or she ends, the less recognized and respected he is.
Just like in the Japanese drama "Nagi's New Life", the heroine Nagi is constantly observing words and emotions every day and constantly catering to others.
Working overtime for colleagues and helping colleagues take the blame, thinking that she could get everyone's love and gratitude to her.
But as a result, she became everyone's laughing stock:
"She'll just say 'yes.'" ”
"As long as she praises her a few words, she will do anything, and she is our special little sister. ”
Even her boyfriend, who she felt closest to her in her heart, denied her relationship behind her back and pointed fingers at her with her colleagues.
When she fainted in the office, no colleague came to care, and her boyfriend didn't know where to go.
In life, we have seen too many girls like this.
will not reject others, dare not trouble others, and always wronged themselves to fulfill others.
But in the end, they not only suffer a lot in life, they are not welcomed in the workplace, but they are also bruised in marriage and love.
Such a girl lives so aggrieved and pitiful.
Psychologist Mickey Fahn said:
The root cause of the formation of the people-pleasing personality is childhood trauma, which is that the parents have not received "unconditional love" in the family of origin.
That is, people who are accustomed to pleasing get more "conditional love" from their parents.
I feel this very much, because I have made this mistake before.
In the past, everyone envied me for having a good daughter, who was polite and had a good personality, who never let me worry about my studies and never disobey me in life.
I didn't say anything, but I was proud in my heart, and I felt that I had successfully educated my daughter.
When she was very young, I often said to her:
"You have to be nice!"
"Obedience is a good boy. ”
"Only if you are obedient, your parents like it. ”
So she knows how to be polite and share, even if it is something she likes very much, as long as I look at her, she can understand it and obediently give it to other children.
When she went to the mall with us, she looked at the toys and wanted to buy them, but as soon as I said "it's too expensive", she would walk away without saying a word, without crying or making a fuss.
After going to school, I always told her not to cause trouble and that she must get along with her classmates.
She did it, whether it was the teachers of various subjects or the parents of her classmates, they were full of praise for her daughter.
Until a while, I felt that my daughter was always sneaky, as if something was not right.
She often came back late from school and always wrote her homework until the early hours of the morning at night.
Later, under the pretext of buying materials, she kept asking me for pocket money.
My daughter's abnormalities made me think she was "early love".
One afternoon, I took a leave of absence and quietly followed my daughter to find out, only to find out the truth of the matter.
She was late from school to help her classmates on duty. Staying up late at night is also to make up homework for classmates.
In order to mingle with her classmates, she uses her pocket money to bring breakfast and buy snacks for her classmates every day.
I asked her why she didn't refuse, and my daughter hesitated for a long time before she said:
"If I don't do this, will they still like me and continue to play with me?"
At that moment I realized that the good daughter I was proud of was just used to being submissive and ingratiating.
We often think that children are sensible and knowledgeable, but we don't know that in our conditional love, their personalities will also quietly change:
will not reject others;
Don't dare to trouble others;
I care a lot about what others say;
Fear that your actions will upset others;
No sense of self-worth...
Behind their empathy, they are actually obedient and compromised.
When they grow up, they will also bring this flattering mentality into all relationships, and in the end, they will not be able to achieve happiness in their lives.
For every problem of the child, parents need to reflect and change.
If your daughter also has signs of "please", how can you redeem it?
I would like to share a very heartwarming story with you.
A mother took her daughter to buy sushi because she went late, and the owner said that there was only one last serving.
The daughter saw the disappointed little boy behind her, and she was reluctant to leave for a long time, so she offered to give her to the little brother.
But Mom didn't pay attention to it, but continued to pay and bought the sushi.
On the way home, the mother asked her daughter:
"Why did you give up sushi to that boy? Is it because you think he needs that sushi more than you do?"
The daughter shook her head and denied:
"I actually want to eat it myself... It's not really fun to give it to the little brother.
But I want to be a kind girl, only a kind girl is the most beautiful, and she will be praised by her parents and teachers. ”
The mother squatted down, held her daughter's shoulders, and said solemnly:
"My daughter doesn't need to be sensible and she doesn't need to be kind.
She's smart, brave, and can be the best kid, but it's okay if she doesn't be the best.
Because my dad and I will always support her and love her, all the best is what she deserves, there is no need to give it to others in exchange for praise, it is more important for the baby to be happy than others. ”
We often use various rules and upbringing to cultivate our daughters in the direction of "obedient, sensible, and kind".
But we seldom tell the girl:
You can be bad, you can make mistakes, you can lose your temper, you can be imperfect.
We love you because we love you and nothing else.
And you have to love yourself first, because your feelings are the most important thing.
Psychological studies have shown that every child needs to confirm one thing from their parents in childhood, that is: no matter what, you will love me.
I think I can give my daughter unconditional love, so that she can have the confidence to grow up wantonly with a willful, lively, and naughty appearance.
Growing up like her makes her feel good and worthy of being liked.
This is the most precious gift that we, as parents, can give our daughters in this life.
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