How to build self-confidence in your bones?

Author | Effie

Source | Effie's ideal

ID｜xiaoyaolsh

I'm often asked:

"The colleagues around me are very capable of working, which makes me feel very bad, what to do?"

"I don't dare to speak in front of everyone, what should I do?"

"The streets are full of beautiful and slim girls, but I look ordinary and fat, and I feel bad, what should I do?"

These questions may seem to be problems of work ability, expression, and appearance, but in essence, they are all problems of self-confidence.

Because, you think you can't do it, you think you're bad.

Lack of self-confidence is a sore spot for many people, but some people will say it, and some people will bury it deep in their hearts.

Today, I will talk to you about this topic.

01

Two kinds of self-confidence

There are two types of human self-confidence:

One is conditional self-confidence, and the other is unconditional self-confidence.

Conditional confidence comes from the value of your tools.

What is tool value?

Simply put, it is the use of living in this world for others.

The use here can be tangible, such as how much income is brought to the company at work; it can also be intangible, such as the beauty of appearance, to bring people a pleasing feeling.

So, conditional self-confidence says that only when you can bring use to others, you feel that you are valuable, you can recognize yourself, and thus have self-confidence.

Like what:

The boss asked you to write him an activity plan, and you wrote several versions, but they were all returned by him, which made you doubt your own ability. And once your boss uses your solution, you'll be happy, feel great, and have a strong ability to work.

You are afraid of public speaking, but your speech this time has received countless applause from the audience, at this time, you will feel that you are valuable, and from then on you will become very confident in public speech.

Your child's grades are not good, you are often called by the teacher to talk, and you feel that you can't lift your head in front of the teacher. But this time the child's class meeting activities, you paid and contributed, and got the unanimous affirmation of the teachers, at this time, you feel that you can look up in front of the teachers.

These are typical conditional self-confidence.

In fact, this is what we usually call self-confidence, which most people are spending a lot of effort to cultivate: trying to improve their knowledge or ability in a certain area, and bringing it to others to use, so as to prove that they are valuable.

So what is unconditional confidence?

Unconditional self-confidence comes from the value of your existence.

What is the value of existence?

Simply put, just because you are you, you are valuable. For example, because I'm Effie, I'm valuable.

So, unconditional confidence says that as long as you are you, you think you are valuable, you recognize yourself, you have self-confidence.

At this time, your self-confidence is not affected by the outside world, and it is your inner recognition of yourself, so I will also call it "confidence in the bones".

Like what:

I didn't do this at work, which shows that I am not capable enough in this area, and I can improve my ability in this area through hard work, but it does not mean that I am a bad person. Instead, I'm valuable and I'm fine.

This thing did not make everyone satisfied, I did not think it through, I did not do well enough in this regard, but not to make everyone satisfied does not mean that I am not a good person, nor does it mean that I am bad. Instead, I'm valuable and I'm fine.

Comparing conditional and unconditional self-confidence, you can find that the essential difference between them is whether the judgment of their own value depends on the outside world or themselves.

That's why you'll see a lot of people spend their whole lives searching for outside recognition, because once they lose their support from the outside, they lose their self-confidence.

However, there are also some people who never care about the approval of the outside world, he does not seem to have a lot, but in his bones there is a confidence that no one can take away.

02

Conditional confidence

Deliberately practicing in a certain field, improving your ability, and improving your external conditions can indeed bring use to others, thus helping you build conditional self-confidence, but it cannot get you rid of the lack of self-confidence in your bones.

"Conditional self-confidence" certainly has value compared to outright self-denial, but it has two very big potential problems:

Problem 1: Fragile and unstable

Conditional self-confidence depends on the usefulness you bring to others, but whether this usefulness is useful or not, and how useful it is, depends not only on your efforts, but also on external influences. For example, you think you're writing an article that's insightful, but the reader doesn't. At this time, your conditional self-confidence will be hit hard.

Zhao Wei directed the first monologue drama in China, "Hear Her Say", which scored a high score of 8.4 points on Douban as soon as it began broadcasting.

In this drama, one of the heroines thinks that she is not good-looking, with a collapsed nose, thin lips, wide eye distance, and less hair, and she has not been valued by other students since she was a child in school, so she thinks that she has no value and no self-confidence to speak of.

However, when she grew up, she found that she could make herself beautiful and get praise from others through exquisite makeup and careful dressing, so she had to dress up well before going out every day to step out of the house.

One day, she spent three hours dressing herself up because she was going to a high school reunion.

Once, because she was "not beautiful", so everyone did not pay attention to her, and now through fine dressing, she has become the focus of the party.

The boy he had a crush on took the initiative to run over to talk to her.

The dazzling class flower came to her to ask for the secret of skin care.

The classmate, who did not want to look at her more, suddenly became extremely enthusiastic about her.

She enjoys the feeling of being in focus because she thinks she's worthy, and she's confident throughout the party.

However, when she returned home, she found that one of her double eyelid stickers had fallen out of the corner of her eye at some point.

She immediately became nervous and frightened.

She began to think back, at what moment did it fall?

She suddenly thought, "Could it have fallen at a party?" At that time, everyone was whispering for a moment, did they see the double eyelid sticker that fell out of the corner of my eye and talk about me? ”

Thinking of this, the confidence that had just been full suddenly disappeared.

She felt like she was just terrible.

This is the conditional confidence that is destroyed in an instant when the outside world changes.

In fact, people have deficiencies, defects, and things that cannot be done, and they will always meet people who are better than themselves. Therefore, the foundation that makes you feel confident cannot be these external conditions, otherwise it is soft, not solid, and may collapse at any time.

Problem 2: Trap you in a vicious circle of "unconfidence."

Why does conditional self-confidence actually trap you in a vicious circle of "unconfidence"?

Because conditional self-confidence will only appear when you do a good job and get the affirmation of the outside world, so you are not confident in your bones.

This lack of self-confidence in your bones makes you think that you must not be able to do things well, so when faced with new things and unknown challenges, you will feel afraid, unwilling to face, and therefore refuse to try, or even withdraw from evasion.

Naturally, such behavior naturally prevents you from getting what you want, and thus unable to get a sense of value and accomplishment.

At this point, you may go to the opposite side of self-confidence, and begin to self-criticize and demean yourself: "I am so useless, I can't do anything." ”

As a result, your idea that you can't do things well and that you have no value is further reinforced.

Eventually, it falls into such a cycle of "self-depreciation and self-denial" brought about by "conditional self-confidence", and never dares to face new things and new challenges.

This is also why you will see a lot of people with conditional self-confidence, on the one hand, they are very good at their familiar fields, very confident, on the other hand, they can only stay in their own familiar areas, stay in their own safe space, and never come out, can not break through.

In the final analysis, it is because they have no self-confidence in their bones, they lack unconditional self-confidence. Therefore, they can only maintain the little bit of self-confidence they have hard to gain in a safe space.

03

How to set up

Confidence in your bones?

How can we build self-confidence in our bones, that is, unconditional self-confidence?

At the end of the day, unconditional self-confidence is related to a person's existential value.

It means: as long as you are you, you are valuable, you are good.

Therefore, your self-confidence does not change by the presence or absence of conditions, nor does it change due to external influences.

If you have unconditional self-confidence, then whether you have made smart, correct, or capable performance, and whether other people recognize, respect or like you, you always think that you are born to be valuable, and your value will not change because of what you do.

This sentence sounds really enviable.

So, how do we build that confidence?

1. Distinguish between existential value and instrumental value.

Many people, when encountering things, especially those that bring negative results, will be easily affected by feelings and thoughts, can not see their own existence value, can only see the "uselessness" they bring to others, and directly equate this "uselessness" with their own existence value.

Like what:

After seeing your new plan, the leader said angrily:

"This scheme is doing so poorly. As a product manager, you don't even have the most basic user needs in mind. I doubt you're a good fit to be a product manager. ”

After listening to the leader's words, you feel very sad and painful, and you also begin to doubt and deny yourself.

But in fact, this idea is not right.

The leader rejects your plan, doubts your ability, and even says "I doubt that you are not suitable for being a product manager", but you cannot equate this result and the judgment of the leader with your own existence value, so that you think that you are worthless.

This is a typical example of equating "uselessness" directly with one's own existence value.

Remember that no matter what happens, no matter how bad it is, it will not rob you of the value of your existence.

You have to learn to separate people from things, that is, to distinguish between the value of existence that is born as a human being and the value of the instruments that exist in this society.

Maybe you will say, even if you distinguish between them, I still can't see my own existence value, what should I do?

Here, I give you three steps:

The first step is to distinguish between things and people.

When confronted with something, list the outcome of that event, as well as your actions, feelings, and thoughts along the way.

Here, I would like to remind you that the result of the matter is what the facts are, is objective, and does not mix any emotional feelings. For example, if your plan is rejected by your boss, that's the result. But if you feel bad about yourself, that's the feeling, not the result.

When you make a list of them, it becomes clear which parts are facts and which parts are just your feelings and emotions.

The second step is to ask yourself a rhetorical question.

In view of the feelings and thoughts brought to him by the objective results of the matter, he asked a rhetorical question: "If this thing is not done well, does it mean that I am worthless?" ”

For example, you can ask yourself this:

"My plan is not done well, and the boss has denied me, does it mean that I have no value?"

"The clothes I wear today, which are said to be ugly by my colleagues, do they mean that I have no value?"

"I just spoke at the conference, and I said very badly, does that mean that I have no value?"

The third step is to ask yourself a specific question.

"If there is a voice that is always criticizing me and saying that I am not good, does that mean that I will never be worthless?"

The answer is obviously "NO".

When you take these three steps, you will see again the value of self-existence, which will not be shaken or changed because nothing is done well, or any behavior is not performed well.

This is something you have to firmly believe.

2. Unconditionally accept their own existence value

What is said unconditionally is: you do not give yourself the value of existence, adding any one condition.

What does that mean?

I don't know if you have found that many people like to add a condition to themselves when they look at their own existence value.

For example, he would say:

"When I became number one in the field, I was valuable.

When I get married and have children, I am valuable.

I'm valuable when I have my own villa and sports car. ”

Only when conditions are added and the second half of the sentence is true, it means that you have not unconditionally accepted your own existence value.

Therefore, always be vigilant of the conditions you add to yourself consciously or unconsciously in your verbal expression and inner expression, which are the restrictions and shackles you give yourself, and your suppression of unconditional self-confidence.

When you find such a condition, you need to immediately remove it, keeping only the second half of the sentence.

Seeing this, you may have a worry: will my unconditional acceptance of myself make me stop being motivated and become unenterprising?

Of course not.

Because the object of unconditional acceptance is yourself, your own existence value, and for all kinds of problems in your behavior and thinking, of course, you must correct it.

When you can do the two things mentioned above well, unconditional self-confidence can be built.

At this time, if you look at the "dead cycle of unconfidence brought about by conditional self-confidence" that I mentioned earlier, you will find that when unconditional self-confidence is established, you will no longer have self-attack because you can't do it.

On the contrary, a strong presence value will make you think you can do it, and this kind of thinking will make you dare to experience and try.

In the process of trying, although you will encounter setbacks, you will not belittle yourself because of this, you will actively look for solutions and improve yourself.

It is because of this investment that you will begin to see your own growth and change, see the results achieved, which makes you proud and accomplished, and will give yourself more affirmation - "I can do it", which will strengthen your self-confidence and eventually form a virtuous circle.

Final words

A lot of people spend their time building conditional confidence all the time.

But in fact, your goal should be to become an unconditionally confident person, to become a confident person in your bones. At that time, I believe you will feel another extreme joy in life.

May you withstand the wind and rain and withstand the challenge!

- END -

Introduction by Effie: Gallup Global Certified Advantage Coach & Talent Advantage Trainer, International Coach association (ICF) Certified Professional Level Coach (PCC), CEO & Executive Coach, Personal Growth Coach, Life Coach, Thinking Training Expert, Author of "Direct Attack on Essence", Principal of "Efficient Thinking Improvement Course" of "Fan Deng Reading" APP, founder of "Boom Academy".