"The process of fighting an eating disorder is a double torture of mind and body. Every seizure is accompanied by self-doubt and denial, and dissatisfaction and anger against myself will strike like a waterfall, enveloping my entire world. ”
"But I can see my progress. In the endless cycle of gluttony-vomiting, I would feel like a walking dead, the whole world was collapsing, and I felt like a sinner. But after being healed, I gradually reconciled with my emotions and realized that I was just sick. ”
"I don't know if there will be another seizure, but it has calmed down a lot and I will be very active in looking for a way to heal myself completely one day."
--Kobayashi, female, 34 years old, has been battling eating disorders for more than 6 years
My first decision to lose weight was in 2015. I was 28 years old, 158 centimeters tall and weighed more than 140 pounds.
This height and weight were recorded in a diary in March 2015. Later I had an accident, I couldn't exercise for a long time, and I weighed a little heavier than this. Walking down the street, there will be acquaintances and relatives who think I am pregnant, and there will be people who will smile and congratulate me.
I felt that I could not be so fat anymore, so I began to control my diet and my weight dropped slightly.
When I met a gym sales vendor on the street to distribute flyers, I took it for the first time, followed the course assistant to his fitness institution, and then naturally got an annual pass.
Unlike those who don't go to the gym much after getting a card, I became a regular at the gym. To what extent are regular customers? Because I spend a lot of time in the gym every day, some people still think that I work in it.
It is said that weight loss is "control the mouth, step on the legs" thing, at that time was not popular short video platform, I followed many fitness bloggers on Weibo, pay attention to their exercise and diet.
I bought a whole bunch of cereal and divided it very finely; at breakfast, after exercise, as a snack... Pork is completely eliminated (too much fat), chicken only eats boiled chicken breast, and at most gives itself an oil-free dipping sauce to relieve the hunger. Rice was stopped and changed to multigrains. In this small city where not many people pay attention to light food and fitness meals, I proudly believe that I have finally met the standards of "contemporary aspiring youth": put an end to ineffective social networking (go to the gym when you have time), healthy diet, and pay attention to health.
The huge amount of exercise and the strict "taboo" are effective. In three months, I lost more than thirty pounds, and watched my clothes shrink several sizes, and I felt that I had finally achieved a stage victory.
But when my weight finally dropped to the lowest 100 pounds in adulthood, the bottleneck period followed— and I found that no matter how much exercise I increased, no matter how tightly I controlled my diet, I couldn't live or lose weight.
Maybe there will be many people patting the table and saying, 100 pounds is OK! It's good to lose 30 pounds in 3 months! But at that time, I only had one sentence in my mind, "Good women are not a hundred", if I did not meet this standard, it would make me feel very painful.
Looking back now, there were also environmental reasons why I was in serious weight anxiety at that time.
At that time, my mother and husband were working in other cities, and I was the only one in the family. Maybe loneliness can be extraordinarily paranoid, and my paranoia is epitomized by weight anxiety.
Because I no longer lose weight, I am strict with my diet to the point of being harsh. At a rare family dinner, looking at a large table of "hard dishes" from my mother, I was very resistant in my heart, full of thoughts such as "you are all so fat, and you are still so greasy."
Although it was not announced, the expression on my face must have revealed my true thoughts. And my mother punctured my resistance to the point: "You don't really want to eat shimizu shabu-shabu, you actually want to eat the food I made, otherwise you wouldn't behave so disgusted." ”
I wouldn't admit at the time that she was telling the truth, but now that I think about it, it really is.
Gradually, my life seemed to be left with only the control of weight. I even got the idea of quitting my job as a fitness coach, so I first found a part-time cycling coach at a gym.
It was already 8 p.m. after cycling lesson that day. I walked to the supermarket across the street from the gym, ready to buy vegetables and meat and go back to making healthy meals. In the supermarket, I met a newly listed puffed food in the promotion, embarrassed to refuse the enthusiasm of the promoter, so I tasted it -
This mouthful completely shattered my willpower.
Months of harsh diet and overwork could not resist the temptation of this high-calorie food. I bought the largest package, too big to carry, and I was afraid that people I knew would see it and ask "You still eat this", so I tore open a small opening in the bag, squeezed out the air inside and put it in the bag, and constantly worried that it would be crushed on the road.
There was no light in an alley on the way home, and I hid in a corner and frantically ate snacks. It seems that it is not enough to describe it as "wolfing", and at the end of eating it is a whole handful of stuffing it into the mouth. I couldn't taste it at all, my brain was blank, controlled by some irresistible force, chewing and swallowing desperately mechanically, not enjoying the food at all.
The big packet of snacks was quickly eaten out, and my brain finally reacted and began to be wrapped in great fear and regret: "Oh my God, I've eaten so many high-calorie puffed foods, I'll get fat!" I don't exercise enough! I have a heat gap! I'm done! And between the lightning stone fire, another thought exploded in the mind: "Spit it out quickly, and if it is not digested, it will not ingest calories." ”
Then, for the first time in my life, I did my first vomiting —without any guidance, without receiving any information about vomiting, and out of an instinctive response to fear of weight gain. I threw up a lot that time, it was clean and I felt relieved.
Pandora's box opened. I found a new way to fight weight anxiety – "It's okay to throw up immediately after eating, I won't get fat." ”
Twice a week, I go to that supermarket to buy snacks: puffed foods, biscuits, etc., and buy a lot of them each time. It was also at that time that I, who was not a sweet lover, began to be crazy about desserts, and would eat a cream cake for 6 people alone, and then immediately go to induce vomiting.
Paradoxically, while losing my mind, I also strictly adhere to certain "principles", such as refusing to take in trans fatty acids, so when buying desserts, I will pick the best and most expensive ingredients, and then eat them and then spit them out, so as to get some psychological comfort.
At that time, I would induce vomiting every day, and my daily diet was no longer controlled. There is no concept of "fullness" when eating, only the feeling of "bracing". At first, when vomiting is induced, a slight probe of the throat with your fingers can cause a vomiting reflex. Later, such stimulation could not make me sick to my stomach, so I changed to a spoon to probe my throat to induce vomiting; and then I changed to chopsticks, because I could poke deeper. Until the end, it was difficult to spit out when I stabbed my throat with chopsticks, and I often cried bitterly in front of the toilet after suffering both physical and psychological torture.
This vicious cycle of "gluttony-vomiting" continued until 2016, when my body was gradually destroyed.
Problems such as gastroesophageal reflux become more and more serious as the emetic time becomes longer and longer, causing disorders and pain in the entire digestive system. I was an art trainer who ate by my throat, but the acid reflux during vomiting hurt my vocal cords and made my otherwise clear voice muddy and hoarse.
The smell of vomiting also made me unbearable.
Even if I clean it up immediately, I feel like I still have the smell of vomit in my breath. The back of my hand was persistently scarred by repeated teeth injuries in my throat while inducing vomiting. To this day, I am very sensitive to similar scars on the backs of other people's hands, and I often can't help but be careful to inquire after seeing them, for fear that others will repeat my mistakes.
Flipping through my diary in 2016, I wrote in large letters: "If I continue like this, I will die of stomach cancer" and added a lot of exclamation points.
On April 4, 2016, I took a train to the city next door to eat and vomit in a place where no one knew me. I don't remember how much I spent on that day, I only remember at least three times of vomiting, but I always felt that I didn't vomit clean, and my stomach was still very uncomfortable.
After taking the train back, I walked into a street garden not far from home. There was no one inside, the lights were dim, and I kept spinning, hoping to find feelings of dizziness and nausea, to throw up again to lighten the burden in my stomach and heart, but I failed. I turned myself unconscious, fell on the lawn and cried, but still couldn't spit it out; it was at that moment that I finally admitted that there was something seriously wrong with my life.
Until then, I stubbornly considered myself a benchmark for successful weight loss in a healthy life.
"You're the only person I've had to lose weight successfully over the years, and you've always been positive." Whenever I hear other people's comments, I will have a mixture of vanity and pain, and I will think in my heart, you don't know what I stole behind my back, you don't know what I did to myself, you don't know that I actually have a "perverted desire" for food.
There's one more thing I don't understand. I follow so many bloggers who eat healthy, why do they stick to it so easily? Why can't I do it?
At that time, I did not understand that there was a market, public opinion and even capital guidance, and I did not have the knowledge to associate gluttony and vomiting with psychological problems, and I did not know that both the body and emotions would lead to a crazy rebound due to extreme lack - I stubbornly believed that everything was my own fault, and I was too "bad".
At that time, I would keep venting my emotions in my diary, and I would write about hating myself and hating myself for not being able to get rid of gluttony, laziness and hypocrisy.
In 2016, under extremely harsh dietary restrictions, my "great aunt" ran away from home for nearly seven months. At that time, I finally moved the idea of talking to my friends, and suddenly found that because all the focus of my life was on weight loss and controlling diet, my social life had long been "cleared", and there was not even a person around who could listen to me.
At the end of that year, by chance, I first learned about the concept of "eating disorders." I remember that it was a doctor's science on Weibo, who listed many symptoms and manifestations of eating disorders. I compared it carefully and found that if I let the situation develop without containment, I was likely to progress to anorexia, and I would even lose my life.
In addition to the fear, I suddenly had a little relief - it turned out that I was sick, not because of depravity and badness.
My husband became the object of my conversation. At that time, he just happened to be able to go home for a reunion due to a job change, and after listening to my experience, he began to work his daily diet to help me get out of trouble.
First, some simple home-cooked stir-fry dishes made me get used to grease, and slowly added some stewed chicken, stewed pork feet, braised pork and other foods. At that time, I was particularly busy at work, and I didn't have as much time as I used to spend in the gym – the focus on weight, the anxiety about body shape, was much reduced.
After gaining about 10 pounds, my great aunt, who had been missing for more than half a year, came back on her own.
Later, I got a little fatter, stayed at about 120 pounds, and didn't look thin, but looked much healthier. Such normal and calm days lasted for a long time.
In October 2019, I recovered from fitness under the influence of a student practicing yoga.
My original intention was actually to eat normally, with regular fitness, so that I could get in better shape and healthier.
But when I walked into the gym and stood up on a body tester that showed weight, circumference, and body fat data, that anxiety and stubbornness returned. In just a few days, I fell into the terrible cycle of "exercise - pay attention to data - pay attention to weight - overeating - vomiting". Looking at the photos at that time, I felt that I was not fat, but the mentality at that time was "Since I have eaten so much, then I will still spit it out."
Neither the fingers to the chopsticks induced a reflex, and my body resisted faster this time.
I set myself a target of 79 pounds, but found that it was impossible to achieve it anyway – I broke down again and had the feeling of falling into the abyss. That round of overeating was particularly severe, vomiting became more and more difficult, and my world was dark.
After two appointments, I finally made up my mind to walk into the local mental health center. It was November 9, 2020, and I took out what I had experienced with the doctor and began to receive regular treatment.
The doctor prescribed me two medicines. One is fluoxetine hydrochloride dispersible tablets, which fight bulimia nervosa, reduce bulimia and induce vomiting, diarrhea and other behaviors; the other is called lorazepam tablets, which are used to relieve severe anxiety and improve sleep. The two medicines were divided into small bags, and the doctor told me to follow up once a week and adjust the dose of the drug according to my physical condition.
(A medicine prescribed by a doctor to a patient.) Patient courtesy of)
I am still grateful to that doctor. He told me very clearly that I was not morally and behaviorally depraved, but sick; and that illness was curable.
At the same time, he also reminded me that drugs will be dependent, and long-term medication will have drug resistance and side effects, so in the end, I have to rely on my own strength to overcome the problem.
Symptomatic treatment plays a big role. After taking the medication regularly, I felt much calmer. Every time I went to the hospital, my husband accompanied me, and after taking the medicine earlier, we would go to the park for a walk, so that the day of picking up the medicine became a relaxing leisure time. Once, on the way to the hospital, I unconsciously hummed a song, and the gentleman seemed particularly happy: "Hey, you started singing!" I haven't heard you hum a song in a long time. ”
(Words written in the patient's diary.) Patient courtesy of)
At the end of December, I experienced a small crisis in treatment — the medicines I needed were out of stock throughout the city, and I couldn't get to several hospitals.
I panicked, but the doctor said, "I think your treatment has been working well, and this is an opportunity for you." Drugs can create dependence and resistance, and you can experience stopping the drug and trying to control your emotions and diet on your own. ”
He also gave me a new idea: "Do you like to draw?" You can try it. Bright colors make the mood pleasant, and the way of applying can reduce stress. I have a lot of patients who use painting as an adjunctive treatment, and the effect is very good. ”
I didn't draw it, but it sounded funny, so I decided to give it a try. On the same day, I drew a bamboo with a piece of waste paper and the most ordinary watercolor, and the picture looked very good— which made me realize that I was still a little artistically talented. Then on the first day of 2021, I placed an order to buy watercolors and oil painting sticks, and began my "career as a painting artist" with a sense of ceremony.
(Patient's painting.) Patient courtesy of)
Throughout the winter vacation vacation, in addition to work, I immersed myself in platforms such as B station and Xiaohongshu, paid attention to many painting bloggers, looked at their works, watched the tutorials they shared, and then tried to draw them myself. Every time I paint a satisfactory work, I feel very happy.
Near the New Year, I simply signed up for several online courses for oil painting stick teaching to study systematically, and immersed my favorite teacher in colors and lines every day, feeling great healing and calm.
Unconsciously, my attention shifted to my fingers and the tip of the pen, and when I painted, I didn't think about my illness, and I didn't worry about the drug. My follow-up and medication collection records stay on December 28, 2020, and since that day I picked up the paintbrush, I have not taken the medicine again, and I have not encountered an emotional crisis that will make me "repeat the mistakes of the past".
I'm not sure if I'm recovering, but I've gotten rid of my stigma.
For most of the year, my eating disorders did not recur, and I was cured by the previous symptomatic treatment and painting. Exercise is still important, but it's not the only thing to do. I still indulge my diet often, but I also try to be as disciplined as possible: I don't drink sugary drinks, and I eat them when I have too much water for vegetables with too much oil. I kept telling myself to be "fat and happy" that growing meat within the normal range wouldn't have much of a hit, in order to reconcile with myself.
I'm not sure if I've recovered or if there will be a next outbreak; but as I learn more and more about eating disorders, I've found that many people who have experienced, or are experiencing, the same kind of distress as me, have chosen to face it bravely and treat it aggressively. Similarly, I would no longer curse myself in my journal, no longer be ashamed of my emotions and actions: "I'm just sick, I'm going to the doctor." "Maybe this kind of inner strength can help me finally overcome the disease."
I told my former "unspeakable secrets" to my closest family members and sought their love and support; I also followed professional advice and considered doing systematic psychological counseling, dissecting the root causes of problems from the depths of my heart, and then breaking and rebuilding.
I still keep reflecting: living in this era, why are we entangled in body anxiety? Our body requirements for family, friends, and colleagues are actually not very high, so why use a lot of exaggerated and unbelievable standards to demand ourselves? A4 waist, bikini bridge, gilet line, collarboneal fossa... Why do we have attachments to these exaggerated terms? Where does this all-out anxiety come from? Is there a market and capital operation and orientation? If we can build up a set of firm confidence in information intake and discernment, can we help us get rid of this anxiety?
I hope that we can all gain inner peace, get rid of all unnecessary anxiety, and regain our healthy and beautiful selves.
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Counselor's Words:
There are two main forms of eating disorders, one is anorexia and the other is gluttony. Eating disorders are more common in young women. This is related to the socio-cultural expectations of women and the patient's perception of self-worth.
Some patients with eating disorders will initially show symptoms similar to the digestive system, such as indigestion, bloating and so on. This "provides" a reasonable excuse for them to reduce their food intake, making it difficult for them to be identified in time for an eating disorder.
Eating disorders are representative of the symptoms, with amenorrhea (more than three months) in women, decreased sexual function in men, and delayed development of sexual organs in minors (puberty).
Eating disorders are very difficult to treat. The mortality rate of anorexia is more than 20%. Bulimia will be better because no matter what method they use to get what they eat out, they will still retain some of it to be absorbed. Most patients with bulimia will use a more covert way to excrete the food they eat, such as vomiting, diarrhea, diuresis and so on. The patient in this case used the method of inducing vomiting.
Whether it is bulimia or anorexia, these two seemingly extreme manifestations of eating disorders are essentially the same in psychological terms.
Patients with eating disorders often have a relatively normal ability to think rationally, but they are irrational only in terms of eating, weight, and body image. In other words, they tend to be in a state of "I know, I understand, I understand, but I just can't control it."
This distorted state of cognition about one's own body image is often related to the consciousness of whether they think they are "accepted, cute, and loved" in their early years (childhood or earlier).
In the patient's subconscious, they are often unable to accept the outpouring of their own instinctive desires (such as the desire for food), which implies greed, which is not accepted by them. Because this intense desire, once experienced by them, will feel out of control, and the loss of control will evoke deep inner fears in their hearts, in their early years. So on a realistic level, they control their eating behavior, thus controlling unrecepted desires at the symbolic level, and thus not experiencing the fear of losing control.
On another level, patients with eating disorders often have a conflict of independence and dependence within themselves. "Whether I have the final say, Whether I can control my own physical form, or whether I need to use other people or other means to arrange or take care of me" will make the patient very "screwed".
In other words, the patient may subconsciously be someone who wants to depend on, but he is filled with fear of that dependence. So when a certain dependency is about to be formed, the patient will unconsciously break free and not experience the feeling of fear.
Such situations are very common in the process of psychological counseling. A patient with an eating disorder is usually polite, but will intentionally or unintentionally "disobey and cooperate", leaving the counselor feeling helpless.
Eating isn't entirely for yourself either, sometimes for others, especially for your parents.
A very interesting detail in this case is that the visitor went home to eat and her mother made her a very rich "greasy" meal.
Many patients with eating disorders in childhood or childhood, a lot of their anxiety is not tolerated by their parents, handled well. More often, maybe they have to bear the anxiety of their parents throwing it over.
When they are young, they will show a very submissive, obedient, obedient, sensible, and small adult state, which is actually a manifestation of excessively bearing the anxiety and expectations of their parents.
From this point of view, the patient's vomiting behavior is very symbolic, which seems to want to express a certain anger of the patient, a manifestation of wanting to "expel" the control imposed on her by her parents. In this case, the patient's dissatisfaction with his mother in his heart seems to be making such an expression.
But the mother's words "in a word" are like the mother who sees through the childish performance of a child, and the control is firmly pulled back into her own hands. This evokes a familiar fear and despair deep within the patient.
By Aimina Xiaoyuan & Cobain
Editors: Wu Jiaxiang, Ye Zhengxing
Typography: Li Yongmin | Proofreader: Wu Yihe
Operation: Han Ningning | Coordinator: Wu Wei
*The content of this article is a popularization of health knowledge and cannot be used as a specific diagnosis and treatment recommendation, nor is it a substitute for face-to-face consultation by a practicing physician, for reference only.
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![Binge eating, vomiting, overeating, vomiting again... My life is going to be ruined by this disease![fig]](data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAP///wAAACwAAAAAAQABAAACAkQBADs=)