I am twenty-two years old and have been suffering from depression and emotional disorders for four years. It should have been when I was 18 years old, or maybe it was earlier, but I had been hiding it in the early stages and not having a seizure, until the various changes in the past two years destroyed the strength I had built up with one hand, and then withered and collapsed.
In 2020, my sense of despair reached its peak, and countless thoughts of ending came to my mind. I began to realize that something was wrong with me and asked the doctor for help, and I still believed that I was just in a bad mood and not depressed.
Diagnosed but still want to live
After going to the hospital for testing, the results showed anxiety and depression, which had not become serious at that time, but it was just depression, and I prescribed medicine and took medicine, but two days later I suddenly became serious.
That day, I read Fang Siqi's "First Love Paradise" with tears, and the moment I closed the book, I turned the music of my mobile phone to the maximum, trying to make the music cover my crying. Because I felt empathy, I especially understood the author's pain at that time.
Because the drug just began to aggravate the disease, I actually wrote a suicide note one night, sorted out the house, swallowed all the medicine, I was afraid of being saved, I was more afraid of pain, I cut a few knives on the wrist, very deep, leaving a clear knife scar. Later, I was found by a friend, sent to the hospital for rescue, and then came back to life, and for a long time, I could not live normally and work normally, I had social phobia, severe anorexia, and no one knew how I survived the dark years when I was left alone.
A childhood that is difficult to let go
What kind of nightmare is about to destroy me? He was raped, beaten and scolded, and thrown around like an object. All of this is going to destroy me, and they appear repeatedly in my dreams. I was crushed underneath me, I was questioned repeatedly, I was accused of scolding, and I still can't let go and can't forgive.
I was eleven or twelve years old when that happened, and I didn't know anything, I didn't even know what was going on. My parents accused me of losing their face, of not being a woman at a young age, and my mother still accuses me to this day. No one has ever asked me how my heart is after this happened, no one has ever asked me, they have cared about me, they seem to care more about how much money they can compensate, how to minimize the loss, I am like a commodity...
I remember telling my mother last year when something was wrong with my emotions, I might be depressed, and she said that anyone can get this disease, you won't. The call for help was ignored by my mother, which made me more and more disappointed in my relatives, and even once feared and avoided.
Stress trauma left by sexual assault
Childhood left me with severe stress trauma, I can not accept others in front of me to mention the word "rape", can not read the news in this regard, can not think about the past. Maybe someone says this will be fine, time will heal everything. Only I know, it's hard, it's really hard.
I tried to heal, but the wounds were repeatedly uncovered, driving me crazy. During a fight with my husband, he inadvertently pressed on me and grabbed my wrist, and at that moment my mind kept repeating the scene of that year, and I began to shout, cover myself in the quilt, and constantly roar. It took me a long time to calm down, but I couldn't speak, just looked at him empty-eyed.
Later, I was diagnosed with stress aphasia.
Enjoy a solitary by yourself
Because I kept taking medicine, I became very dependent on drugs, and even developed resistance. So, I started to increase the dose, but I still had insomnia, nightmares, and still lost control of my emotions and fell into pain.
Fortunately, there is no interference in a person's life, there is no stimulation from my family, and I can stabilize my emotions.
I went to the doctor again and the result was major depression and bipolar disorder.
Several more medications were taken. At the beginning, the drug was able to control my emotions stably, and it was useless after a long time, but it was difficult to quit. Once I forgot a dose of medicine, and after a while I began to have a strong headache and dizziness, and I hurriedly found the pill box to continue the medicine, and after a long time, I was relieved from the headache and dizziness, and that feeling was like being saved when I was dying.
Believe you're going to get better
Because of my illness, I became silent and even autistic, and I replied to the inquiry and concern of others with piercing words.
I never shy away from the fact that I'm sick, and I don't hide it, but I hate it when people look into it. They hadn't experienced what I had experienced and couldn't empathize with my pain and powerlessness.
During that time, there were also people around me who pursued, but when they knew that I had depression, they either couldn't do it or they were worried that it would be passed on to the next generation.
Until I met my husband, his appearance was like a relief in the long night. He didn't discriminate against me and generously admitted to his family that I had depression.
Belated love is not absent
I am very happy to slowly get better, but the emotions that flood me from time to time have completely collapsed one day, and I can't bear the huge psychological baggage, I can't forget the death of my brother, I can't forget when I was pressed under my body, and I can't forget when I was brainwashed and blamed. Even afraid that My husband would worry about me, I pretended that I was very happy, but all this was very tired, I swallowed hundreds of pills, and began to edit the suicide note to My Husband, but I fell into a coma as I wrote it.
I was sent to the rescue room and had cardiac arrest, respiratory failure, and even a brief sharp drop in blood pressure. When I finally entered the ICU rescue room, I was critically ill, and my husband told me that he was shaking his hands and signing.
I was put on a ventilator, still unconscious, and even began to dilate my pupils. Many doctors joined the rescue to pull me back from the brink of death, and they filtered my blood from my inner thighs.
After two days in a coma, I woke up, everyone's hearts finally let go, and The gentleman sent me a lot of messages, he said let me not be afraid, he has been, has been waiting for me outside. It turns out that no matter how bad you are, there is always someone who will tolerate everything you are, no matter what you look like, in his eyes, you are the most precious.
The years are long, but it's all worth it
We don't have to care about the eyes of others, we don't have to hide the fact that we're sick because of fear, we're just momentarily frustrated.
If you don't want to talk, don't force yourself to speak.
Don't give up on yourself at any time, don't hurt yourself. You have to believe that for the rest of your life there will always be a light that will accompany you from darkness to rising in the morning.
For people with depression, what is needed is not the motivational words of others, nor the advice that goes against the heart, but only two simple words: respect.
If you feel sick, be sure to tell the person you want to tell in time and go to the doctor.
Soon I will be married to the "sir" in the text, and I am more willing to discuss the trivialities in life with the people I love than to be stubborn in the dark alone. Chat with him in the south sea and north, go to see the mountains and lakes.
Boy or girl, you must also love life, love the world, and love yourself. Although life is a little bad, there are also very good times, and you are also the person on the tip of other people's hearts, and you deserve to be deeply loved and protected.
The doctor replied
Hello! Reading your words repeatedly, I am very emotional, although I have never met, but I can feel from your mental journey along the way that you are a smart and lovely, delicate emotion, and a girl with strong willpower. Although it is painful to be sick, you still live with hope, and your mental state is really admirable.
I understand your pain, the shadow of childhood that is difficult to let go of is like a porcelain bottle being broken, even if it is glued well, it has left many cracks, a young and tender heart, began to become gradually sensitive, fragile, insecure. I know you're a very sensitive person, and I know that sometimes I don't like to be joked about. This is not to blame you, you don't need to blame yourself, every time you see you carrying over, you say to yourself", "You are really amazing, you carried it again", really touched, you did a great job!
Not every parent is a qualified parent, the original family brought about by the lack of understanding, non-recognition, will bring you a lot of psychological pressure, what you have to do is to stay away from negative emotions. Read your letter carefully, I found that you are kind, but also good at finding love of the girl, even if others insignificant care, are also remembered by you, willing to get better is the beginning of getting better.
People who suffer from depression really have a hard time being strong on their own. Why? Because depression itself makes people sensitive and suspicious, making people feel miserable, and most people outside will feel that this disease is pretentious and pretended. But I would like to say that depression is a disease that no one wants to pretend, and it brings negative effects on people's lives, not just a little. So you're really great, you're trying to live again with hope, and you're trying to live well. I see you mention your husband in the text, you describe him as a beam of light in your life, unconsciously will be full of happiness, late love will not be absent, you have to believe that you will be firmly chosen by others to be firmly loved by others.
In the future, you must believe that the years are long, everything is worth it, do not give up on yourself at any time, do not hurt yourself, the light that belongs to you will always shine on you, in the future life, there is such a good gentleman to accompany you around, your condition will get better and better, life will be better and better, life will be better and better, love yourself, do not give up on yourself, give up the love of others for you, to believe that the world is beautiful, someone loves us how proud of one thing, so you have to cheer! Everything is going in a good direction, and you will slowly get better and better!