Text: Qi Eleven
In February 2012, Japan's Mainichi Shimbun evening newspaper ran an article titled "Searching for the Word 'Husband'." The content is roughly: if the word "husband" is entered into the search engine as a keyword, the first associated word displayed is "to die".
However, if you enter "wife", the first associative word that appears is a more positive and well-intentioned word such as "gift", which is a world of difference.
There is much discussion online about the matter. According to statistics, in Japan, the actual degree of dislike of the husband is 5 times that of the husband.
Pictured: Wives who hate but don't divorce
Why do two people who once loved each other and sworn into the palace of marriage end up hating their husbands so much?
Japanese freelance journalist Miki Kobayashi followed for 10 years, interviewed 15 women, and wrote this book, "Wives Who Hate But Don't Divorce," which explores the inequalities in marital relationships, the hatred of wives, and their plight of not being able to divorce.
In the workplace, discrimination is everywhere
"I wish my husband would die—" People with good marital relationships would be shocked to hear this.
Some people may say, "Since life is like this, why don't you get divorced?" ”
In Japan, it is already a blessing to be able to divorce, especially for women. And women who think that "as long as the husband dies, the problem can be solved" abounds.
Tracing back to the roots, employment is key.
Today's Japan still retains the employment environment and social security system formed during the period of rapid economic growth. Among them, women's "marriage and departure" is the most representative phenomenon, and the consequences are concentrated in the relationship between husband and wife in the family and marriage.
In Japan, the employment environment and wages between men and women are very different. About 60 per cent of working women lose their jobs after giving birth to their first child, and 1 in 4 pregnant women is subjected to "maternal discrimination".
Hiring a woman as an informal employee can simply dismiss her on the grounds that she does not renew her contract. About half of Japanese women enter the workforce as non-regular employees when they get their first job.
At present, the proportion of non-regular employees among working women in Japan is as high as 60%, and this situation is still deteriorating.
Even for regular employees, in the Japanese workplace environment, which is premised on "long hours", there are still many women who are blamed for not being able to juggle work and family and are eventually forced to resign.
Wives Who Hate But Don't Divorce (Spring Tide Documentary Series) Miki Kobayashi et al. CITIC Publishing House Books ¥32.4 Purchase
Once women leave their jobs due to childbirth, it is difficult to regain employment, while on the other hand, raising a child to grow up requires paying a large amount of tuition.
According to The Ministry of Education, Culture, Sports, Science and Technology of Japan, if a child goes from kindergarten to university, the tuition fee is about 7.69 million yen (about 400,000 yuan) if the schools are national and public schools; if the elementary and middle schools are public schools and other private schools, the tuition fee is about 12.8 million yen (about 660,000 yuan); if all the schools are private schools, the tuition fee is about 22.05 million yen (about 1.14 million yuan).
Due to discrimination and wage disparities in the workplace (the wage gap between women and men in Japan is as high as 61%), it is difficult for single mothers to raise their children on their own. Therefore, many women cannot make up their minds to divorce and can only endure again and again.
Because once a woman becomes a single mother, she will instantly fall into the abyss of poverty.
At home, the husband turned a blind eye
In the family, it is also difficult for women to get support.
Regardless of the wife's pregnancy, she goes to drink as usual, does not want to change the child's diaper, sends the child to the nursery in the morning, and does not pick up the child under the pretext of working overtime in the afternoon, and the husband and so on make the wife angry are numerous.
Husbands may be surprised: "Huh? Just because of this little thing? "But the moments of resentment in the wives are lurking in the trifles of everyday life."
If the husband has been turning a blind eye to his wife's dissatisfaction, then the resentment that has accumulated in the heart of the wife who has been cold for many years will one day erupt.
Collapse is pervasive in almost every detail of life.
At 7:30 a.m., Miyuki, a 38-year-old mother of two children, rushed to feed her 3-year-old son and 1-year-old daughter breakfast and dress. She had to get out before 8 o'clock, take the kids to the nursery, and rush to work herself.
Sometimes, just after feeding the son and preparing to take care of his sister, the son will suddenly shout: "The stink is coming out!" "Immediately after, my daughter overturned the milk cup...
Miyuki is like a warrior on the battlefield, taking care of everything. The husband, on the other hand, had already fled the scene and made tea in the kitchen.
"He pretended not to see it!" A real killing intent arose in Miyuki's heart. ”
Husbands act as hand-throwers at home, throwing the burden of childcare to their wives and choosing to escape, which is the dilemma faced by many women after marriage and childbearing.
Pictured: "Always feel happier next door"
Outside the family, society as a whole also places the burden of child-rearing on the mother.
"For example, if the child has a fever, the nursery will call Miyuki first." The child's regular physical examination, daily chores, all kinds of miyuki leave. Her husband only occasionally delivered children when Miyuki needed to go to work early, and he called himself a super good father. ”
At this time, whether it is for working mothers or stay-at-home mothers, their plight is all-round.
Working moms face a double pressure from family and work. When Miyuki was single, she worked overtime until late at night every day and took the last bus home. After having children, she took advantage of the company's "parenting short-term work system" to work only 6 hours a day, leaving work at 4:30 p.m. to pick up the children at the nursery on time.
They are also blamed by their superiors and colleagues for not being able to complete their tasks on time and other colleagues having to share her responsibilities. They have also almost lost the opportunity for promotion and salary increases, and will even be transferred to the so-called "idle people" department.
Pictured: "She's Beautiful"
Sometimes under double pressure, some working mothers have to quit their jobs and become full-time mothers.
At this time, they are forced to face the interruption of their careers and can only rely on their husbands' income to live. Even if the husband gives a meager amount of living expenses every month, or cannot be understood by the husband, thinking that raising children at home is "just playing with the children" and is very easy, they have to endure.
Change is happening
As written in "Wives Who Hate But Don't Divorce", many Japanese women cannot or will not divorce for various reasons unless they have to divorce themselves unless they encounter domestic violence, emotional abuse, and so on.
Miyuki wants two children, and in her opinion, the best option is to have a husband. After having two children, it is better to have someone who can occasionally take a handle than to bring it alone. Besides, she expects her husband to pay off her mortgage.
Pictured: "Escape is shameful but useful"
As noted earlier, women are mostly reluctant to divorce for financial and child reasons. I hope that my children will grow up in good economic conditions, I am worried that single-parent families will have a bad impact on my children, and the attitude and support of the whole society to single mothers is very unfavorable... Most of the wives in "Wives with Hatred but Not Divorce" consider this.
So the reason why they have the idea of "hoping that their husband will die" is because in that case, the mortgage does not have to be repaid (because the husband bought life insurance), can get a large widow's annuity, has financial protection and does not have to live with the "nasty" husband, the children are older, and they are much freer.
So in Japan, there is an old saying: "Once the wife dies, the husband will soon follow." But "as soon as the husband dies, the wife lives." ”
In fact, the concept of Japanese men has also changed dramatically. More and more men want to share housework and childcare with their wives.
But harsh workplace conditions cut back on men's time for housework and childcare, triggering the beginning of wives cursing their husbands. Perhaps the first task of stabilizing the relationship between husband and wife may be to change the perception in the workplace and create a work environment that is friendly to both men and women.
The road to equality is long, and there is still a long, long way to go to build a child-friendly society. In addition to the adjustment of the entire social system and policy, men as individuals also need to make practical changes.
Photo: Dragon Cherry
As the book writes, some men in Japan are already "determined to change." Of course, a large part of the motivation for them to change comes from practical considerations: when men are old, almost only their wives can rely on. In order not to be abused, to be cared for, and to die well, some men began to reflect and change.
A man has set the "three principles of love" and "three principles of not winning": to say "thank you" to his wife without hesitation, "sorry" without fear, and "I love you" without shyness; not to fight with his wife to win or lose, not to win, and not to win, "no dispute with his wife" is the posture of the winner.
In addition, it is also necessary to use practical actions to love and assist the wife, share the housework, and let the wife have freedom.
Pictured: Bread and Soup and Good Weather for Cats
Nowadays, marriage rates and fertility rates are declining one after another, and more and more young people, especially women, see that marriage and childbearing are not good for them and are reluctant to enter marriage, let alone have children.
Only by building an equal and child-friendly society, both men and women, can truly achieve happiness.