Children play games, can't stop, as a parent is to block or give up, or use this opportunity to reflect on themselves first, make some strategic adjustments? Today's sharing is the practice of Yu Wen, a private high school teacher in the United States. To educate her children, she worked as a stay-at-home mom for eight years: one daughter and one child attended Harvard University and MIT. Her son was once addicted to video games, the family was in a lot of trouble, and once she was about to give up, she finally found a way to "turn things around".
Author: Yuwen Yu
The original text of this article comes from: Harvard Parents Hundred Family Talk
01.
Kids are calling video games, what to do?
My son was born in the Year of the Tiger and looks like a tiger, but when it comes to temper, he is more like Sun Wukong who made a big fuss in the Heavenly Palace, with a backbone of his own, and he is never afraid of authority. As a child, he seems to have said, "No, No, No!" Rarely obeyed commands.
In order to educate him well, I really did not spare any effort. He voluntarily gave up his job for more than eight years and studied the Parenting Sutra behind closed doors. Books such as children's education and psychoanalysis purchased at home can fill half a shelf. All kinds of gods and famous parenting recipes have also been tried one by one, and finally found that for children like my son, who are both stubborn and naughty, the high-pressure policy has very little effect, and only understanding and dredging can achieve a win-win situation.
My son has been obsessed with video games since he was a child, and at first we used various coercive measures to restrict him from playing, but the effect has not been good. We are very anxious about this, and we often have some very unpleasant conflicts with him for this reason.
I remember one late night when my son was in his first year of high school (9th grade), at about 2 o'clock in the morning, I was woken up by the sirens from the fire alarms at home, and I woke up to find that it was a false alarm. Since the fire alarm was not far from my son's room, I opened my son's door to see if the harsh alarm had woken him up, but I was surprised to find that my son's bed was empty and there was no shadow!
A few hours ago, I obviously saw him go to bed, turn off the lights, and go to sleep?
"Good boy, how dare you sleep at night and sneak up to play video games!" This was my first reaction without thinking, a wave of anger went straight to the door, I turned and ran towards the computer room, ready to arrest my son.
But when I opened the computer door, I found that the room was dark and empty. I blinked hard, unable to believe it was true.
What's going on? Where did my son go?
I went upstairs, downstairs, room by room, but there was no trace of my son anywhere! I was still furious just now, but as time went on, an inexplicable fear began to spread in my heart. Where will my son go at this time? Are you playing Mystery with me? Or play human evaporation?
I looked upstairs and downstairs again, and there was still no trace of my son. I was a little scared, wondering if it would be because I usually control my son too strictly, he ran away from home, or... I dare not think about it any longer.
"No, he didn't look anything out of the ordinary before he went to bed at night!" I comforted myself in my heart.
"But many children, before the accident, others can't detect anything unusual..." Another voice muttered in my heart.
I decided to look for it again, not sparing any corner. If there is still no result, you have to wake up your husband and then call the police on 911.
I searched every room again, from the ceiling to the floor, from the bed to the bed, from the cabinet to the outside of the cabinet, and there was no room for anything.
Finally, when I was on the verge of despair, I caught my son hiding under an empty bed!
I breathed a sigh of relief, and the heart that mentioned the throat eye was back in my stomach. As I expected, my son sneaked up to play with the computer after we slept. Because I heard the alarm, I was afraid that I would find out and slipped into the empty room next to the computer room.
The son who had just crawled out of bed looked embarrassed, with fear and apology in his eyes. And the fear and worry I had just felt disappeared the moment I found him, and all turned into anger.
I really want to punch him hard or kick him a few times! But I don't dare, because in North America, corporal punishment of children is illegal. I just grabbed my son's arm and yelled at him, "Don't you want to go to school tomorrow?" In order to play the computer, you dare to deceive adults, you let me down too much, too angry!
The anger in my heart, like a flood, rushed towards my son, I had lost my previous purpose, I just wanted to vent.
In the face of my anger and reproach, my son's eyes changed, the previous fear and apology disappeared, and what remained was vicious hostility.
Instead of apologizing to me, he yelled at me, "Don't worry about my business!" Then he rushed into his bedroom and closed the door deadly.
02.
Forced out of the "strategic adjustment"
This night, I couldn't sleep. Although I still felt angry and disappointed, I slowly remembered the helplessness and fear of not being able to find my son, and the look of fear and apology in his eyes, and his eyes that finally became vicious.
It seemed to me suddenly understand that my anger, disappointment, and reproach, though justified, were useless to my son. Some children will succumb to the anger of their parents, but my son is a different kind, and my anger will only drive away his original guilt and apologies, and turn him against me and become his enemy.
Moreover, the breathless fear and despair I experienced this night made me feel as if all this was a hint from God, a warning from the subconscious! If my differences with my son over playing video games can't be fundamentally resolved, I may lose him in the long run!
I couldn't help but break out in a cold sweat. The fear and helplessness of the moment are still fresh in my mind, and I will never want to experience it again!
After that, I began to accept positively the fact that my son really liked to play video games.
Although his son's frisbee is also very slippery, the football is also played well, he can play the piano, and the black pipe is also blowing, but his favorite pastime is still playing video games, which is his main means of relaxation and pastime. Just like some people like to chase TV series, they can't put it down when they read a novel, there is not much reason, it is like.
As long as he has self-control and does not affect the completion of pre-set tasks, I should not always see playing games as a thorn in the eye and a thorn in the flesh, and when I see him playing, I will not be angry.
And I have to admit that unless my son decides to play fewer or no video games, my nagging and blaming won't work. The only thing I can do is to mobilize his self-consciousness when he is right.
In fact, my son is not useless, his homework has always been the first in the whole grade, and he never needs me to bother. This shows that he has self-control. The main reason I've been unhappy with him is that I feel that if he spends less time on games, he might be better at various competitions outside of class. But in fact it was an endless pursuit, perhaps I was too greedy, the expectations of him were endless, and the result was not good for him or me.
So I developed a new strategy for treating my son to play video games, which can be summarized into the following three points:
1. In the future, all the goals of my son's learning should be decided by himself, and I can give some appropriate guidance from the side, otherwise he will not feel driven.
2. My attention should be focused on assisting him in setting goals and supervising him to complete tasks, and should not waste trying to prevent him from playing games.
3. When I find that there is a gap between his actions and his goals, I should find a way to mobilize his self-awareness instead of using anger and disappointment to solve the problem, because my responsibility is to help the child become a better version of himself. Just like a doctor treating a patient, if the effect is not up to expectations, it is the doctor who should be blamed, it is his/her lack of medical skills or lack of experience, how can he or she get angry with the patient?
But it's easy to develop a new strategy, but it's hard to do.
It takes a thousand hammers to really not get angry when your son is playing games unscrupulously. Over the years, in the face of my son's constant challenges, I feel as if I am wrestling with my son every day, although "the fun is endless", but it is also very laborious.
However, looking back on the past, I have to be thankful that I did not do tiger mothers or herding, but constantly looked for ways to mobilize his consciousness. Otherwise, sun wukong and I will have a hard time, if he doesn't want my life, it's that I want his life.
Yu Wen has a daughter and a son, the daughter has graduated from Harvard University, and the son is a senior at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology
03.
Find ways to mobilize self-awareness
The story I'm going to tell now takes place when my son was in high school, when I had transitioned from the infantile period of parenting to the mature stage, and I had a certain degree of control over my emotions.
I remember that my son was in his third year of high school and was going to college in a year. As he was about to leave the summer, he told me that he had signed up for the physics SAT2 exam (similar to the physics exam in the Chinese college entrance examination) and that the exam was scheduled after the summer vacation. I thought he was going to use the summer vacation to prepare for the exam, so I agreed with the exam time he chose.
But I soon discovered that this was just my wishful thinking.
My son had a happy summer vacation, first attending a summer camp at MIT, and when he came home, he either met with friends or played video games every day, and did not see him prepare for the exam. Whenever I mentioned SAT2, he said to me confidently, "Rest assured, Mom, I will do well." ”
Since he was a child, his son did not like any repetitive work, especially did not like to spend effort to prepare for the exam, which was boring and tedious. So I can understand his reluctance to prepare for SAT2.
However, because the SAT2 score has a direct impact on college applications, although my son is naughty, he also understands this truth, so I believe that he will never be willing to smash the SAT2 test. Although he ignores sat2 for the time being, I might as well be patient and not talk about it, maybe he will do it himself after a few days of relaxation.
Time passes slowly and inadvertently. Before the summer vacation, the peony flowers blooming in the garden have become brilliant chrysanthemums in the early autumn, and the summer vacation is about to end, and there is only one week away from the exam, but the son has not yet made any preparations for the exam! (The reason I know he's not prepared is not because I'm watching him all day, but because if he does, he'll be sure to let me know.) ）
This was very unexpected, and the dissatisfaction with my son in my heart suddenly swelled up, making me a little intolerable. I felt like he was pushing my limits! Because in any case I have to let him do two sets of mock test questions before the exam, just two sets, not much, this is my bottom line!
But I know better than anyone that if I accuse or criticize him, the result will most likely be very annoying, not only will it not achieve the effect, but it will also make me half dead. The best way to do this is to communicate with him in a way that is not hurtful and can get him to act.
Amitabha, I forced myself to take a deep breath and said in my heart, "I'm like a doctor, I can't get angry with a patient!" I'm like a doctor, I can't get angry with patients! ....”
After reciting it several times, it was finally difficult to get the resentment in my heart out of my body.
The next morning, while eating breakfast together, I said to my son, "Seeing that the SAT2 exam period is approaching, are you sure about the exam?" ”
"I can get a perfect score, 800 points," the son blurted out, without even thinking about it.
"The tone is still quite big, and it doesn't take a little effort to get a full score, which is really strange!" I didn't think about it in my heart, but I didn't dare to say it, because I was afraid of freezing the situation.
Talking to emotional children is really difficult, and you have to pick up words. What advice against the ear, good medicine bitter mouth and other ancient precepts are really not very applicable to them, if they are not careful, they will step on the landmine, put themselves in opposition to the child, and make the chicken fly and the dog jump.
"You're quite ambitious!" So angry? Reluctantly, I had to give an ambiguous evaluation of my son's confidence in a half-joking tone.
The son looked confident, like Divine Help.
It's strange, where does this confidence come from? Know that self-confidence is good, but blind confidence is dangerous. I had to figure out where his faith came from and if it was well founded.
I asked, "Are you so confident because you did well in the Physics Olympiad this year?" (My son was at the top of this year's state physics Olympiad.) ）
My son looked at me with a grin, no comment, maybe he didn't want to admit his pride? But as you can see, I guessed correctly. His current attitude does have something to do with his Olympiad results.
"But is sat 2 similar to the Orsay test?" I then asked
"It's only possible to be simpler than the Orsay question?" My son answered me with a question, and I could tell that this was his hypothesis, and the actual situation was not clear to him. (My son's temper stinks, but he is very honest, never telling lies, always saying one thing.) He hadn't prepared sat 2 until now, so naturally he wouldn't answer me in an affirmative tone. ）
Although this assumption may sound reasonable. But after all, a hypothesis is a hypothesis, and an assumption that has not been tested may be unreliable.
I was secretly happy in my heart, and it seemed that the breakthrough had been found! Because his super confidence in the SAT2 test is actually based on an unverified hypothesis. No wonder this boy dared to enter the examination room without any preparation, and it turned out that this assumption was taken seriously.
In the years of dealing with children, I have found that they are disobedient, mostly not because they like to do things against us, but because they have their own reasons. If you want to change their behavior, you must first understand their reasoning, and then find a way to find out what is not reasonable.
Fortunately, I quickly found the root of my son's blind confidence today, and the time to convince my son is here.
So I quickly suggested, "Why don't you do a set of simulation problems today, and then you will know if there is a difference between them, right?" ”
The son seemed hesitant, not immediately agreeing but not opposing. It seems that the son is also aware of this problem, otherwise he will immediately oppose it.
In order to get my son to act immediately, I decided to give him a suggestion that he could not refuse. "If you do a simulation set of questions today and get a perfect score, you don't have to prepare for SAT2 anymore, how?"
"Okay, then." My son readily agreed, and I was relieved. But I knew that my son agreed to be so happy because he was sure that he could get a perfect score, and just doing a set of mock tests would make me stop bothering him, which was a good deal.
Of course, I also have to talk and count, and if my son really gets a perfect score, I can't ask him to do a second set of simulation questions.
Alas, if I were a businessman, it would be bad, and I would have suffered a loss. Obviously, the bottom line of the "two sets of simulation questions" that was decided, before they began to bargain, they cut it in half and became a set of simulation questions!
He was the one who wanted to take the exam, and I, the mother, had to find a way to lure him to prepare for the exam, as if he were taking the exam for me! Wrong!
In fact, for people like my son, the lesson of failure is the best teacher. All the exams he took in school, because of one or two mistakes, would not affect the overall situation, but would let him see his own shortcomings, so I never asked, but he easily kept first.
Why can't I get up now that I change to SAT2!? It seems that I still can't get out of the ordinary, and I care too much about which university he will go to in the future. At the moment when success is only allowed and failure is not allowed, I don't have the courage to let failure teach him a lesson. It is difficult to be a parent, and it is difficult to be difficult in these entanglements!
Before dinner, my son did a set of simulation questions. But after doing it, I didn't see him come to give me the good news, and the house was quiet. I guess I didn't get a perfect score, so I didn't squeak.
After dinner, I asked my son, "Did you find that the SAT test was similar to the Orsay question?" I didn't directly ask my son how many points he had scored, lest he be embarrassed, (I'm picking up words again, aren't I?) Being a parent is a waste of time! ）
"Well, you don't have to mention that sat2, though much simpler than Othyre's, includes a lot of things I haven't studied yet, like acoustics and nuclear physics. It is for this reason that I only scored 760 points in this mock exam," my son said with some disbelief and some grievances.
The son is telling the truth. He took AP Physics C this year, the most difficult high school physics course. But this course covers less than the other two shallow physics classes.
"So isn't it appropriate for you to set your goal at 800?" I asked my son and didn't blame him for not getting a perfect score.
It is not easy to talk to my son like this without emotion, but it is slowly honed. In the past, if my son could fail, I wouldn't have a good face for him. I would angrily blame or sarcastically say, "I promise to get a perfect score, and I'm too self-aware, right?" Don't hurry up and listen to me to do the simulation problem! ”
But with the help, apart from proving that I was wise, it never brought me any good results. My son and I would immediately become enemies, and he would either find an excuse to refute it, or simply turn his face to me and send me, "I don't care about my business!" ” 。
Now that I've learned to be good, it's not a good thing to say, and I don't say it. Try not to blame or evaluate, and leave the patent of evaluation and blame to himself!
Sure enough, my question did not disgust my son, and he replied, "That's not true, I'm still confident of getting a perfect score." ”
"Those acoustic and nuclear physics topics are actually not difficult, as long as I teach them myself, it will be no problem," the son continues.
"Well, I like your strength not to give up! Don't forget that your mother is from the Second Eight Classics of Physics, and maybe she can help you twice. "I have not forgotten that what my son needs is encouragement, and he does not let go of any place that is worth encouraging."
At this moment, I can't help but secretly rejoice in my heart, thanks to my son to do a set of simulation problems, otherwise how would I know that I still need to temporarily teach myself so many things?
"But now that the exam is only a few days away, do you think there's enough time?" I asked a little worriedly.
"Sure enough," the son said again.
Sons often have this tendency, and it is easy to set grand goals for themselves, but lack specific plans. I knew it was time for me to step in.
"Then let's see how you can arrange these days, okay?" So as not to be caught off guard," I suggested.
"Okay!" The son readily agreed. I know that my son is actually not solid in his heart at this time, and I sincerely hope that someone will give him some guidance and help him formulate a feasible plan. Reaching out to him at this time to help, he generally will not refuse.
Immediately after that, we planned the tasks that should be completed in these few days. I was flattered that my son finally asked me to supervise his actions for a few days!
04.
Negotiation is the key to win-win results
The next day at breakfast, I saw my son lying on the couch reading, and I was overjoyed. But a closer look is a little disappointing, because he is not reading a physics book. But I thought about it for a moment: reading is not always a bad thing, anyway, it is still early, just let him read.
After about two hours, my son put down the book and asked, "Can I watch TV for a while?" "I was a little angry, a nameless fire began to swell in my heart again, I thought to myself, just yesterday I made plans to teach myself some physics courses, and I haven't touched a page of physics books yet, and I want to watch TV again!" I really don't know where this child's self-consciousness has gone.
I wasn't angry, so I shook my head resolutely. The excuse is that watching TV in the morning, not only can not rest, but the more you watch, the more tired you are. As soon as the words came out, I regretted it a little. Because I was afraid that my son would yell at me right away: "This is so unfair, I have been reading books for two hours, why don't you let me take a break from watching TV!" Mom, I don't want you to care, you hate it! .....”
I secretly blamed myself for not being so simple and rude, not giving myself some leeway.
However, if you say it, the water that is spilled out will not be recovered. Now that I have rejected my son's request without thinking, I am ready to meet the ensuing outpouring of anger and discontent.
Who knows that I was "disappointed", my son did not roar this time, but just said to me in a consultative tone: "I only watch a play "New Girl", less than 30 minutes, and then I immediately went to prepare SAT2, how? ”
Oh my God, he was in a deliberative tone, and he didn't have the attitude of not having to do what he wanted. This is exactly the same as the usual son!
I was speechless and overwhelmed. I wanted to count him down and said, "Look at yourself, most of the time has passed, you haven't done anything you planned to do yesterday, and now you have to watch TV, and you still talk to your mother with this attitude..."
But today's attitude is not bad at all. I really haven't tasted this kind of negotiable taste with him!
On second thought, my son's request was not excessive. Don't I just wonder he's not ready for SAT2 yet? Now that he has offered to pledge, what else can I say?
So I replied, "Well, as long as you talk!" "But I wondered, because I was used to fighting with my son, and today's fight was over, as if it was a bit abnormal."
Coldly, my son asked me, "Didn't you realize that I used Dale Carnegie's negotiation strategy today?" ”"The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want." ("The only way to get you to do anything is to give you what you want.") The son added in English.
Oh my God, I suddenly realized. My son actually knows that the thing I care about most in my heart is SAT2. Now that he gives me what I want, he may get what he wants from me.
In fact, didn't I use the same strategy a day ago to get my son to agree to do the simulation problem?
(If you remember, I gave my son advice the day before: "If you do a set of simulation questions today and get a perfect score, you don't have to prepare SAT2 anymore. ” ）
My son read Dale Carnegie's Book" "How to Make Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. The sentence quoted by the son is the original sentence in the book. This is a popular self-study book in North America. I remember recommending it to my son many years ago, he has never read it, and this year I made this book a must-read for him in the summer.
Unexpectedly, he not only read it, but also used it today. If the son can apply more of the theories in the book in the future, the war in the family will definitely be greatly reduced.
A week later, my son took the exam and did get a perfect score.
Cover of Dale Carnegie's The Weakness of Human Nature
05.
Family is not a battlefield,
Anger doesn't solve the problem
But in hindsight, I always thought, what if I didn't try my best to let my son do the mock tests?
The full score is probably not available, but can't he get into MIT?
If he can still get in, is it in vain for me to put so much effort into letting him do the simulation problem?
But if he fails to enter, is his life a failure?
Alas, it's just a pity that I don't have a Crystal ball, can't foresee the future, so I'm always entangled in these "tangles"!
However, life seems to be a web woven with entanglements, and without entanglements, the meaning seems to have gone for the most part. It was only in the entanglement that I realized a truth, although it is difficult for us to judge right and wrong in some decisions, but the methods used must be right and wrong, at least good and bad. The right method can turn the wrong way into a jade warrior, and the wrong method will turn a friend into an enemy and intensify the contradiction.
The purpose of my writing this story is not to teach people how to send children to Harvard or MIT, but to share some of my experiences in parenting education, that is, as long as we can see ourselves as a doctor rather than a dictator, we may be able to solve some conflicts with children and make the family full of harmony and reason.
The family is not a battlefield, and anger is not the solution when the child's actions are at odds with our expectations. We must learn to control our emotions, find ways to mobilize our children's self-awareness, and use consultation to achieve a win-win situation.
06.
Love is acceptance, it is tolerance,
is not self-righteous
The family atmosphere really shapes people. My family's "Sun Wukong" is now a senior student, although he is still as assertive as before, but the previous energy of making a big fuss in the Heavenly Palace has long gone. He became gentle and patient, liked to be reasonable when things happened and was able to control his emotions well. Sometimes I can't believe that he is the same person as his former son.
He still loves to play games, but he's moderate. All his homework so far is A, and the average GPA is 5.0. This was unexpected because MIT's homework is notoriously difficult.
I remember talking to my son about what success is not long ago. He believes that to find happiness is to succeed. And to be able to engage in his favorite job, and there are some interests and hobbies outside of work, is his definition of happiness, as for his amateur interests and hobbies, you don't guess and know, playing games is definitely not going to run.
Although there is nothing grand about the ideal life that my son wants to live, it makes me feel very grounded.
In the years of accompanying the children, I finally realized a truth, what is love? What is the Language of Love? Love is acceptance, tolerance, patience, non-self-righteousness. And "the language of love" is the effective way of communication we are looking for, which can reach the hearts of all people.
As long as we are accustomed to this language of love, not only the parent-child relationship, but also the relationship between husband and wife, colleagues, and superiors and subordinates may be improved.