Author: Yin Jianli
Source: Yin Jianli Parents Academy (ID: yinjianlifumuxuetang)
Parents are the best teachers, affection is the best nutrition, the table is the best desk, and home is the best school.
Bai Yansong said in a video:
"Beat me to death and don't let my children live in school, even if my wife and I will work hard!"
Why is Bai Yansong so opposed to the child's living in school? Do you have such doubts, the article shared with you today is from the education expert Yin Jianli, discussing the issue of boarding system.
Xiaobian feels that the boarding system has some advantages, such as solving the problem that parents do not have time to take care of their children; the school is more convenient to manage; it can exercise the child's independent ability and so on.
But boarding is also a hidden danger, and the greater the problem for the younger the child.
Kindergarten stage, primary and secondary school stage of children, physical and mental development is not yet mature, the most eager and most need the companionship and guidance of their parents, warm family will be the pillar of their life.
I hope that today's article can inspire parents.
I am explicitly opposed to boarding, and if children are isolated from their parents, they can exercise a strong ability to take care of themselves – according to this logic, the early education of children in orphanages should be the best.
In fact, most children who grow up in orphanages have more serious psychological problems.
To raise a wonderful child, parents must have this awareness and self-confidence:
I don't think children should board until they go to college. By high school, boarding has a much smaller negative impact on your child, but it is still recommended to live at home.
01
Children who grow up under boarding
It is half an orphanage child
With regard to children's boarding, the pro-faction believes that children's self-care ability and collective consciousness can be cultivated, while the opposition believes that the lack of family warmth is not conducive to children's emotional cultivation and intellectual development.
I am clearly opposed to boarding, if you isolate your child from your parents, you can exercise a strong ability to take care of yourself;
Sending children into group life early can have a good sense of community and be good at cooperating with people – according to this logic, the early education of children in orphanages should be the best.
In fact, most children who grow up in orphanages have more serious psychological problems, and self-awareness and sense of cooperation tend to stay at a lower level.
It's not that they're not gifted, it's not that the job of the nurseryman is not responsible, it's that they're deprived of normal family life and parental love;
Lack of family atmosphere nourishment from an early age, lack of emotional and verbal communication with relatives, so that adulthood shows permanent defects in psychology and ability.
Neuroscience has confirmed that early emotional dysplasia can directly damage the normal development of the brain, causing its structure to be abnormal, resulting in irreversible pathological changes.
In this regard, Romania has made a fatal mistake.
After World War II, romania's population plummeted, and the government required that every woman of childbearing age have at least 4 children and be sent to a government-funded state correctional institution for collective upbringing.
Since then, more than 60,000 babies have been sent to correctional institutions for mass rearing as soon as they are born.
Almost all of these children later develop behavioral abnormalities, most of them are mentally retarded, emotionally stunted, unable to communicate with people, unable to form eyes and dialogues;
Sitting alone in a corner, constantly rocking back and forth or repeating a stereotypical behavior, with no fear of strangers and no ability to communicate – this is a situation we might call the "orphanage phenomenon."
American psychologists have done a famous experiment with macaques, which fully demonstrates how important emotional nourishment in the early years is to a thinking life.
Psychologists isolated some of the young macaques from their mothers and installed two "false mothers" in cages.
One of them was made of hard bond wire but had a bottle on the chest, and the other mom wrapped it in a soft flannel but no bottle.
According to the common sense of "milk is a mother", the little monkey should be closer to the "tightrope mother" with milk.
But the little monkey only approached the tightrope mother when he was hungry, and as soon as he finished milking, he returned to the flannel mother.
This detail allows us to see the instinctive yearning and fear of small beings, whose attachment and need for warmth even surpass food.
What is even more alarming is that most of these macaques are cold in temperament after adulthood, do not mate or refuse to mate, and cannot be properly integrated into collective life.
He is also unsteady in walking, not even his voice is normal, and he is always at the bottom of the monkey social class.
Even if some female monkeys are impregnated by artificial means, they are indifferent to the baby monkeys, cruelly abusing and even biting their own children.
Macaques and humans are genetically similar in 94%, which is indicated by this "orphanage phenomenon";
Warm embrace, loving eyes, gentle words, and skin-to-skin kisses are indispensable for the normal growth of an intellectual life.
Children grow from natural persons to social people, and they must gradually unfold according to the order of growth, just as a seed must grow according to the process of rooting, germinating, flowering, and bearing fruit.
Children must first obtain these natural needs such as food and clothing, security, love and affection, and then develop a higher level of self-discipline, cooperation, altruism and other consciousness and ability.
The warmth of the family, especially the mother's love, is an indispensable psychological nutrition for a child's growth.
Sending children to board is inherently unnatural and anti-natural, and it is an adult who ignores the natural needs of children as a person and imposes their own needs on children.
In particular, sending a child to a full-day kindergarten is a rush to develop a child's social attributes at an early age and reduce the time he spends with his parents.
Such seedlings are encouraged, so that the child's original natural needs cannot be met, and his social attributes will be difficult to grow normally and cannot be expressed normally in the future.
02
Work hard for your career
Not a reason to give up on children
Some parents say that I know that boarding is not good for children, but the work is really busy and there is no way.
In fact, observing the children around us, it is easy to understand a fact: the establishment of feelings between children and parents must have the length and frequency of time together.
The younger the child, the more demanding the love of the parents is, and the more time and frequency they are required to spend together, which is necessary for children to gain a sense of security.
Children who have been boarding for a long time are subconsciously afraid of being abandoned by their parents and have resentment towards their parents, so they often show grievances, rejections, excessive entanglement and irrationality.
Once a friend dinner, a pair of friends with successful careers and middle-aged children brought their 5-year-old son.
It is said that the child was sent to a very famous kindergarten in Beijing at the age of 3, and he was very conscious of washing his socks and underwear and getting up from bed.
The child looked very intelligent and very well-behaved, sitting next to his mother and eating silently.
The other two five- and six-year-old children who had eaten together that day were mixed up in a moment, and after eating, they ran to the sofa next to them to play.
And this little boy crawled into his mother's arms for a while, wrapped his arms around his mother's neck and wrapped around his mother, and after a while climbed into his father's arms and wrapped around his father;
He seems to be very melancholy and irritable, does not speak, and always refuses to go down to the ground to play with children, and he can see that he has a strong sense of insecurity in his heart.
In fact, the emotional alienation caused by boarding does not only occur in the hearts of children, but also in the hearts of parents.
Without the length and frequency of getting along, the emotional connection between each other will be sparser, and the concentration and quality of love will not be high.
Many parents do not understand their children well and have difficulty communicating with their children well, which is related to the fact that they have fewer opportunities to get along with their children and the emotional connections they have established are relatively sparse.
When children are young, it is often the time when parents begin to work hard, but this should not be a reason not to see their children every day.
Who isn't busy when you're young? There's always a reason to want to do something, there's always an excuse for not wanting to do something, and it's always worth going home no matter how busy you are, even if you only have half an hour a day with your kids, or a few minutes.
As long as father and son often hear each other's voices, and mother and son often smell each other's smell, a sweet aura will be formed in the home, which surrounds the child and makes him feel safe and moist inside.
Time is the most elastic thing, squeezed out as soon as it is squeezed.
Classes that can be added or not added, not added;
Newly released blockbusters, do not watch;
Friends invite to dinner, go less;
The house is very messy, by it;
Lack of sleep, really tired, tired to be tired, anyway young...
Parents in the world have not died of exhaustion because of their children, let alone a few years.
In fact, the only benefit of sending a child to board is the relief of parents.
If you think about how our grandfathers, dads, and even ourselves grew up and learned to get along with people, we know that boarding is not the only way to cultivate children's ability to take care of themselves and cooperate, but at best it is just an excuse.
Boarding not only does not allow children to learn to get along with others and learn to be self-reliant, but it weakens the potential of children in these aspects.
When a child is extremely deficient in terms of family experience, he can only ask for more love out of tension, rather than learning to love others;
When he only knows obedience under the unified management of kindergarten or school, he can only learn to self-suppress and lose his personality, but cannot learn to cooperate and be considerate.
There is also a situation that young parents are busy with work, the children are handed over to the elderly to take, worried that the elderly are overly pampering the children, the lesser of the two evils, and they have no choice but to choose boarding.
But I think that when there is a problem in family life that needs to be solved, it cannot be at the expense of children's interests, parents should slowly find ways to coordinate the relationship with the elderly, and slowly use scientific education ideas to influence the elderly, the basic principle is not to give the problem to the weak children to carry.
When my daughter Yuanyuan went to junior high school, she attended a boarding school, and we as parents did not understand the problems of boarding.
Throwing a 10-year-old child into school and returning home only once a week is clear.
Although Yuanyuan was a child who could take the initiative to solve problems, those 3 years were the 3 years when I felt the most inadequate in education and the worst in Yuanyuan's state.
Now that I think about it, I really regret it.
Many things will happen in the process of children's growth, if you can see your parents every day, what problems and ideas you have can be detected by your parents in time, you can communicate with your parents, at least you can get timely repairs emotionally.
Don't expect your child to put the problem on hold for a week and bring it back to you over the weekend.
3 years of boarding life, still left some negative things for Yuanyuan, "detoxification" takes many years. Every time I talk about those 3 years of life, I feel guilty.
Fortunately, my daughter did not board in high school, and her state was getting better and better every day, and the negative impact of boarding gradually faded.
03
Most people don't recognize the drawbacks of boarding
When I was asked by a parent whether I should let my child go to boarding in order to choose a school, I always replied that even if I went to a school with poor conditions, I must let my child go home every day.
It is a very uneconomical thing to go boarding for a key school, on the surface you can get some things for the time being, but in the long run, you have picked up sesame seeds and lost watermelons;
As the Soviet educator Sukhomlinsky put it, "the best boarding schools cannot replace mothers" either.
Unfortunately, this view is still not acceptable to most parents and even sometimes by their children.
I have seen a child who was separated from his mother for a few years in elementary school, did not live in a city, and chose to board again in order to attend a provincial key school when he was in junior high school.
Looking at the lingering of his little one with his mother, and the melancholy and nervousness in his eyes, I said to my child that it is better to choose an ordinary school next to his mother, and it is more important to see his mother every day than to go to a key school.
The child was very dissatisfied with me saying this, and shook his head firmly, no, it is important to go to the key school!
Children are not ignorant and emotionless potatoes, and can be sorted and stored in baskets and bags at will.
Nothing can make up for the harm that boarding life brings to children.
Family education is set by the God of Nature, and complete family education is the way to cultivate wisdom.
The time for children to truly belong to their parents is only a dozen years, and if they do not cherish the time spent with their children, they miss many wonderful moments in life.
To cultivate a wonderful child, parents must have such awareness and self-confidence: parents are the best teachers, family affection is the best nutrition, the table is the best desk, and home is the best school.