Jiang Nan
In the general impression, the identity of the so-called family caregiver is not the wife, or the mother, daughter or daughter-in-law, and the medical passport care is also more familiar with the interaction mode with female caregivers, but in recent years, we have slowly appeared around us as more diverse caregiver identities, they may be husbands, may be fathers, sons, and even grandfathers and sons-in-law.
The data released by the 2018 Peking University Health and Pension Tracking Survey reflects the change of times, with the proportion of male caregivers climbing from 20% in the past to 30%, and there are also some hints in the services provided by the community for caregivers.
To give an example we encountered at work: Grandpa Wang, 80 years old, was dependent on his 75-year-old wife with moderate cognitive impairment, and I remember the first time I called him to talk about my living conditions, Grandpa Wang said heroically: "No problem!" This is what men should do! Nothing to complain about! And when we asked again, is there any need for help, the current long-term care of related social services are doing well, some services can be introduced to Grandpa to use, Grandpa Wang smiled: "No need!" I am also inconvenient to use now (limited mobility, can not go far), I now know that there is service information, I need to use it again in the future (because I can't hear it clearly and don't understand), now it's all right, you have to care about other people! I've been taking care of a big man for so long, is there still a problem? ”
Under the patient consultation of the community social worker, Grandpa Wang agreed to let us continue to follow up, but every time we learned, the more diverse and surprising the content we heard, and it turned out that under Grandpa Wang's strong appearance and dialogue, he hid a lonely heart that wanted to rest but always restrained himself more tightly. The burden and expectations of the male caregiver seem to have far exceeded his own load.
For five years, Xiang Jing, 63, has been in the hospital day and night to care for his old mother, who is paralyzed in bed and unable to speak.
Family care models in transition: the proportion of male caregivers is increasing year by year
Men are taught from an early age to be strong, brave to take risks, take responsibility, talk less and do more, and boys have tears and do not flick, this is a cliché. Many middle-aged and elderly male caregivers thus face traditional cultural expectations. In the past, in the family structure composed of marriage relations, the heavy responsibility of family care was often taken over by women, but with the progress of the times, old age (elderly care for each other derives from health, action, life care, economic security and other issues), less children (there are fewer care helpers available in the family, and the circle of life is not the same), marriage and family views change (the increase in the number of unmarried and unmarried people, the improvement of the value of traditional families), regionality (urban and rural differences, living patterns and habits of using resources, Under the influence of various factors such as convenience, family issues have gradually broken the traditional concept of gender division of labor, and can only use the most favorable model for family operation, regardless of gender, to fight with one heart.
According to peking university's China Health and Pension Tracking Survey, there is no gender difference in the care of spouses, and as long as one spouse has disability, dementia, physical and mental disability, or serious illness, the other spouse will play the role of caregiver. Child caregivers are still highly represented by daughters and daughters-in-law. However, in recent years, it has also been seen that due to singleness, only sons, and middle-aged unemployment, sons have begun to take the initiative to follow filial piety and play the main caregiver, and they personally undertake the heavy responsibility of care. This new social phenomenon is beginning to manifest itself in various parts of East Asia.
Japan: What gender inequalities do "son caregivers" face?
In 2010, about one in eight Japanese caregivers was a son. Japanese scholar Ryo Hirayama recounts his observations of this crowd in his new book, I Am a Son, I Take Care of.
According to the statistics of the main family caregivers of the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare of Japan, the type of kinship relationship of family caregivers, from high to low, is the spouse of the same family, the child, the child, and then the relatives who live separately. When it comes to the order of care, regardless of men and women, the highest priority over the spouse of the child is often the biological child. In addition to this, children who live together will also be given priority. But there are many practical factors behind this, such as even if the parents have entered the advanced age of needing care, they have never left home to marry late, unmarried children; or because of the economic downturn can not rely on themselves, even if they want to leave their hometown can not do, can only be parasite children. With a little attention, we will find that unconsciously, there are some families of adult children and elderly parents around us.
In Japan, the number of cases of son care is increasing in reality, but they rarely appear in the public eye. Not only because of the small number of people, but mainly because the son caregiver will not take the initiative to talk about their own affairs, will not ask for help from outsiders, and refuse to let others intervene. This makes the son care like a black hole, it is quite difficult to get close to this black hole, we can imagine that in this black hole, something unusual happened.
Another noteworthy social phenomenon is that after 2000, it is no longer the daughter-in-law who has jumped to the top of the elderly abuse victims, but the son. Since the number of son caregivers is relatively small, the probability of a son becoming an abuser is in fact very high. It is generally believed that the chance of sadism is clearly related to the length of time spent together. There are more cases of abuse by daughters-in-law, simply because the proportion of daughter-in-law care is high. However, compared with the two, the number of son caregivers is relatively small, but there are many abusers, which reflects that there are some problems in son care itself. In Japan, there are many cases that are considered tricky by care management specialists in many regions, and most of them fall into this category. From a variety of case reports, it can be seen that abuse includes the neglect of not giving food and bathing, refusing care and medical care from external supporters, pension parasites that rely on the income of parents, etc., which does reflect the current situation on the front line of son care. Of course, not all son caregivers abuse the elderly, but there is only a thin line between caregivers who can abuse and caregivers who do not. If you know the actual situation of the caregiver who does not abuse, you should be able to understand the feelings of the caregiver of abuse more deeply.
Although there are only twenty-eight cases in the book "I Am a Son, I Take Care of", this book gives us a broader and deeper understanding of the son who cares for his parents. Through Mr. Hirayama's careful and delicate analysis, we are guided to understand these insiders extensively.
For example, when the second chapter talks about a married son becoming a caregiver, people around him tend to condemn him: What are your wives doing? But in fact, without the support of the wife, the husband cannot become a "son caregiver", but some people will complain that the wife's efforts are not as expected, or take the wife's efforts for granted without giving affirmation, and cannot understand the entanglements in her heart. After all, the wife is a wife, unable to get rid of the self-blame caused by "not participating in the care", or deciding that she has given too little. There will also be sons who take this opportunity to say, "I am doing it alone." Conversely, what would a husband do if the wife had to take care of her parents (daughter care)?
Stills from "The Dying Spring"
Chapter III deals with the situation of caregivers and other siblings. Mr. Hirayama also thinks about the different situations of siblings, brothers and sisters. If the son caregiver has sisters, the son's care will be more difficult. Because the sisters will not only criticize the caregiver's way of doing things, but also intervene arbitrarily. Therefore, it is not directly assumed that having sisters by your side can provide a lot of help, and the truth is not so simple.
In addition, the son often justifies cutting corners when caring for him – this is collectively referred to as "minimum care". There are views such as "urging the careees to be self-reliant", "making use of what little ability they have", and "caring without interfering as much as possible". It can be seen that excessive care and care by sisters or wives can only cause obstacles, so the conclusion is not to intervene. For the care of men, Professor Harumi Sasaya has pointed out in her research that the characteristics of "husbands taking care of wives" are "caregiver-managed care", that is, whether too much or too little care, they are caregiver-led, even brothers and sisters or wives, and do not want third parties to intervene and interfere with their own rules, perhaps this is the so-called "male care".
The book also discusses the relationship between the son's caregiver and the workplace, friends, and social circles. The son has no food to eat without work and cannot continue to take care of his parents. But even in this part, there is a big imbalance between the son caregiver and the daughter caregiver. In the case of his son, the people around him will say to him: "You must work hard to earn money, get a wife, and let your parents rest assured." On the contrary, if it is a daughter to take care of it, it will become "please quit your job and concentrate on taking care of your parents." "And the expectations of parents in the workplace have become pressure."
Mr. Hirayama also astutely pointed out that from the moment he decided to take care of himself, he fell into a situation where he could only devote himself to care, and this situation had another meaning, that is, the freedom to devote himself to care was deprived. This conclusion can also be applied to friendships. Young son caregivers do not want to be the only ones who complain and spit bitterly in their dealings with their friends because they cannot understand their own situation and have no empathy. Even when facing the older generation of same-sex friends who have experience in caring, they also feel that "I don't want to cry alone with a snot and a handful of tears", so they still avoid talking about care experience. The object that the son caregiver most wants to avoid is friends of the same gender and age group. Son caregivers seem to be more likely to speak the truth or complain when confronting female friends than to male friends.
And this emotional bond of male care also affects the choice of the person they take care of. If it is a father, it is a shoulder-to-shoulder relationship, because the father takes care for granted, so even if he does not say half a word of thanks for taking care of things, the son will understand based on the concept that "men do not say thank you". Conversely, if the mother, who should have been caring, stopped caring, both sons and mothers would be confused. Because men are usually less sensitive to the changes in their mood and feelings around them, that is, they have insufficient communication skills. So it may be more difficult for a son to take care of his mother than it is for a father.
Caring for fathers and mothers is also influenced by the social support system. Women have a better chance of "taking root" at the local level, so when the mother becomes in need of care, the mother's same-sex friends and acquaintances can become a resource to support the care of the son. Even if the mother becomes a caregiver for her husband, she can still get support from a network of same-sex friends and acquaintances.
Hong Kong: Being a husband as a caregiver
Professor Leung Lai Ching of the City University of Hong Kong," Who Can Depend on Each Other? Rethinking Hong Kong's Care Policy, Male Spouse Caregivers in Hong Kong from a Gender Perspective. For example, many men will deny the identity of their caregivers, some male caregivers adhere to the traditional gender division of labor, male and female, they all feel a lot of psychological pressure. On the other hand, many husbands define caring for their wives as a job that requires physical strength, and men are more competent. While men are full-time caregivers, their thoughts and feelings are more complex than those of women. They actually pay more attention to task arrangement, hope to get knowledge, learn skills to take care of, relatively women pay less attention to the emotions and feelings of the person being taken care of, but in fact, unveil the surface of technology, it is difficult to face the sadness of old age and illness and death. When the caregiver dies, the grief of the male caregiver may last longer than that of the woman.
Open up the inner world of male caregivers and have more care and companionship
In China, in the past two years, according to the analysis of news reports, the number of cases of stress-induced illness among male caregivers has increased significantly. A growing number of community workers are also finding that they should start to be more gender-sensitive to their clients so that they can develop service models that are needed by different genders.
Stills from "Love"
Among the middle- and elderly men who are currently carers, many belong to the group of people who are "bitter and unspeakable" or "unwilling to say" because of traditional upbringing; how to reach out to male caregivers and help them solve their difficulties together, a good way is to let men influence men. Men share, communicate, mentor, trust each other, and build more emotional support and connections.
What men want is actually not complicated, all they need is affirmation, but in the unfamiliar care work, often not affirmation and achievement, but more helplessness, frustration and guilt; or based on the mentality of "family ugliness can not be publicized", making male caregivers more tired. What needs to be done now is to make them willing to go out and participate in or understand the current social resources, and let them know that there are more male compatriots like them. Whether it is grievances or mutual support, the influence of men on men is a way that can be effectively adapted and practiced in the short term.
During the first contact with resources, male caregivers tend to adopt a reserved or rejected attitude towards community service and social support because of their personal perceptions and expressions. For example, in the example of Grandpa Wang at the beginning of this article, even if there is a community service actively involved, the service staff may think that Grandpa Wang's condition is stable and does not need help, and if he is not careful, he may reduce the sensitivity of the service and miss his hidden inner dilemma.
A psychological counselor once shared that men's daily conversation content is 1/3 of women's, to open the male caregiver's inner world, more patience and companionship, listening, so that male caregivers feel supported, it is no longer helpless.
In addition, support programs for male caregivers should be based on practical information, such as how to help current care. When they confirm that they can solve the problem at hand immediately, they will be more focused. Care is not a man or a woman, no one should be a victim, but when the responsibility falls on the shoulders, it is also necessary to seek various channels and resources in a timely manner, no one should be a victim, so is the female caregiver, and the same is true of the male caregiver. As socio-cultural evolution progresses, the gender framework will eventually fade away.
Editor-in-Charge: Fan Zhu
Proofreader: Yan Zhang