Dictation: Gao Ying
Finishing: Zhou Yujiang
This bastard of mine doesn't count, neither. In the final word, it is my young and ignorant, my private life is not in order, and I am the child of an eldest girl who has not registered for marriage.
Whether it is true or not, it was later that I became a legal couple with the father of the child, and it was justified that we were both our own children.
In 1970, Gong Lin, the father of my child, graduated from junior high school and returned to the village to participate in agricultural production. He was eighteen and I was seventeen.
Gong Lin is tall and thin, like a bean sprout, his face is clear-eyed, his square face is wide-eared, he is always wearing very ill-fitting tattered clothes, and he looks at it from a distance, just like a person who wants to show talent in the old drama text.
At that time, his family was the fourth type of land, rich, anti, bad, and right, that is, bad elements.
Before liberation, his grandfather was a pseudo-township chief. Gong Lin's father was Mr. Bookkeeper in the township office.
According to the policy, the pseudo-township chief was a historical counter-revolutionary and was naturally executed by law, and Gong Lin's father was an ordinary civilian and was designated as a bad element.
My family ingredient was designated as a landlord. In fact, there are not many. My family mainly runs a dye shop. There are very few foreign fabrics in the old society, and most people wear their own spinning threads, and the old coarse cloth woven by the old loom, the old coarse cloth is white, and must be dyed blue, blue or black with a dye called "indigo".
The reason for being classified as a landlord is that my grandfather and brother specialize in dyeing workshops, and the land has to be cultivated, and there was a policy in those years, as long as you hire people, it is exploitation, no matter how much land, the composition of the land will be very high.
After the 1970s, the policy for people with high composition has been much more relaxed.
The reason is that the real, rich, anti, bad, and right majorities are no longer alive, and even their children, through the Cultural Revolution, there are very few left, and the main existence is the children of their children.
Although there are few criticisms.
But in the production team, the light and economical road is not done by these people. Whatever work is tired and dirty, and what poor peasant members do not want to do, they belong to them, refusal does not exist, and it is natural to be scolded if they do not do a good job.
Our captain is the son of a peasant who has been poor for an unknown number of generations, and who is rooted in Miao Hong, who has a violent temperament, speaks rudely, and often speaks ill of the poor peasant members, which can be imagined for those of us.
At that time, the most tiring work in the team was to carry feces and lift feces. There is a saying that "carrying feces (lifting feces) hits the wall and sees the king of Yama alive." This is evident from this.
Gong Lin and I, the children of these two landlords and bad elements, are undoubtedly the first choice for this kind of work.
The work of carrying manure is like this: at that time, there was less chemical fertilizer used, and the main use of soil fertilizer for planting land was, that is, the manure that the pigs in the circle of members kicked in the pit, the manure saved, and the security party in the team gave the work points, so the members desperately put soil in the circle, so that the amount of manure was very large, but the quality was inferior.
After mashing and mashing the soil and fertilizer saved by the members of the society, it is transported to the ground, evenly one cart and one pile, and scattered in the field to be sown.
Sowing is sowing the seeds with a malla's brace. In order to increase the manure effect, let the crops directly absorb the nutrients of the soil and fertilizer, it takes three or four people to carry the manure with the dung bucket and evenly sprinkle it in the trunk.
It is light to say, but it is a terrible job, and the human foot is deeply trapped in the soft ground after deep ploughing, running and sprinkling dung into the trunk, sprinkling a bucket, running and digging a bucket in front of it. It goes on and on until the people are tired of the shelves.
Although I was only seventeen years old, although my life was to eat chaff vegetables, the strange thing was that it did not affect my premature development, and my body was full and round. What made the mother sad was that the two pieces of flesh on her chest prematurely erupted.
At that time, it was not a good thing that women had big breasts, and often the men behind them were obscene and dirty, and women would also point and associate some unclean things. My mother couldn't help it, so she pulled two feet of white cloth and wrapped my chest up, and often held my face full of crimson when doing heavy work.
I looked a little stronger than Gong Lin's thin body, but it was too cruel for the captain to let a girl of sixteen or seventeen years do this job.
Gong Lin and I worked for less than an hour, and we were so tired that we couldn't catch our breath, we were sweating profusely, our bones were sore, and our legs stood unsteadily like lead.
Work is naturally done in a mundane way. At this time, the captain came over to check, and when he saw doing such a job, he couldn't help but expose his green tendons and scolded: "Dog cub, do this kind of work." You think that the rice of the farmers is delicious, but this is not the world of the landlords and bad elements of your time, and you will not bend down and die, and starve you to death." As he spoke, he kicked Gong Lin, who was lying on the ground, hard. Gong Lin and I both had tears in our eyes and looked at each other with grievances.
The work has to be done, there is no other way.
Fortunately, the two members of the society who carried the dung with us sympathized with us and took the initiative to do more, and the uncle who led the animal also tightened his grip on the animal and let it go slower, so that we could survive.
At night, my mother gently massaged my somewhat red and swollen thighs, just a long sigh, and how much helplessness and helplessness were contained in the sigh.
My mother is an insightful person, she has always actively faced life, faced suffering, encountered difficult things, never complained, but actively resolved.
Even my father was forced to commit suicide during the Cultural Revolution, she did not shed tears, she understood that her father, who had a weak temperament, could not bear these tribulations, so she was relieved of herself, and she understood even more that when her man was gone, what was needed at this time was not tears, but the courage to pick up the burden of raising two children.
Labor is painful, but it is also exercised.
Although Gong Lin is thin, but he is a man after all, after a few days of exercise, smooth over, this kind of work will be easy to cope with, he always rush to do more, to reduce my labor intensity, which makes me very moved.
Another way to live to see Yama is to lift dung. This work requires three people to form a team, one person digging dung in the pit, putting it in a cow basket, the other two people carrying it out, and he installing another cow basket, two baskets circulating, and the people and horses do not stop.
After the sowing was over, Gong Lin and I were assigned to do this tiring and hard work that the dead did not pay for their lives.
The basket is a very bad middle-aged man, we are two young people who have just left school, he should pack less, we carry it easier, but this person is not, always filled with feces, we are pressed to grin, miserable. I carried Gong Lin forward and backward, and he always moved the grass rope of the cow basket to him in the back to reduce my weight in front.
To be honest, if this were not the case, I was afraid of a girl's family, and this life would not survive.
Labor is also happy, especially after the sweaty heavy physical labor, relaxed and mentally happy, this feeling is difficult for people who do not work to appreciate.
Although we have suffered humiliation and abuse, we can bear the heaviest work of the production team, and there is no doubt that we are both relieved and happy, and feel that we can earn work with our own hands to support ourselves, although it is always one or two points less than others.
We don't have any extravagance, and we are satisfied if we can be treated fairly.
Labor can also produce love, although at this time, Gong Lin and I are not really love, but in the heart, the feelings of both sides are extremely wonderful and ignorant.
Gong Lin's family is even worse, his mother has passed away, a sister who is much older than Gong Lin, married far to the northeast, his father has done an accounting room, he is overwhelmed with physical strength, and he has severe emphysema, and when he gets up in the winter, he can't hold it up, and the organs and intestines that he coughs in the morning have to spit out, although he is a bad element, he can only feed the livestock in the livestock shed in the team.
His home was in the far north of the village, about half a mile from the village under an east-west embankment of the Xiaomu River, and was the two grass houses of the former rangers. The original home, due to its disrepair, moved here.
Whenever I came to work in Gonglin, I saw the situation in his house, and I almost cried out, two low grass houses that were dark and could not be lifted, there was not a single decent thing in the house, dirty kang without mats, black and broken cotton wool, and a mixture of half-cooked dried sweet potatoes and corn kernels boiled in the pot without a lid.
Gong Lin wore high hanging pants with exposed flesh, squatted barefoot (shoes were reluctant to wear, only worn when working), used a bowl with an opening, and then pulled the boiled dried melon and corn kernels into his mouth.
Although our family is not much better, but my mother takes care of it, raising a pig every year, raising a few sheep, raising some chickens, and a little income, which is much better than the Gonglin family.
Women are born to do needlework. I have never seriously learned needlework with my mother, but as soon as I got started, the needle and thread were almost done, and when the mother pointed out, it was full of things like that, I thought that Gong Lin's pants were really tattered, so I found the same tattered pants that my brother did not wear. Then I went to ask Gong Lin for two pairs of pants and sent them to him.
When these pants of several colors were delivered to Gong Lin's hands, Gong Lin was so grateful that his eyes were filled with tears, and he could not speak, he probably felt that since his mother's death, he had long lost this kind of warmth from women.
Life was poor, but the environment was not polluted, but the scenery was extremely beautiful. The crystal clear Xiaomu River flows slowly, and from time to time some small fish jump happily in the river.
I was with Gonglin on the willow-shaded embankment, and from time to time there were cool evening breezes. Looking at the misty woods, fields, and villages in the distance, thinking about your own situation, your heart is full of endless sorrow and inexplicable sorrow.
"Brother Ringo, can people like us survive?" Is there a tomorrow". I stared blankly into the distance, as if asking Gong Lin and as if asking Bai Himself. "Yes! Definitely! As long as we do not sink, are not discouraged, and are down-to-earth, there will be a day of emergence." Gong Lin replied firmly.
In fact, all sentimental, hesitant people, positive and enterprising, never defeated, full of passion for life, are admired, of course, I am no exception. I tilted my head and looked at Gong Lin with surprise and admiration. I thought to myself: Less than a year after graduation, his mind has matured a lot, and his will has become much stronger. I also thought: Suffering can make man.
Another cool breeze blew, I couldn't help but shiver, I couldn't help but put my head on his chest, Gong Lin was excited, and held me tightly in his arms, and our breathing became urgent.
At that time, the society was closed, and people were already eighteen or nineteen years old, and they were still extremely unfamiliar with the affairs of men and women, but only by virtue of their primitive instincts and many times that they could be regarded as messy.
Two young people who share the same fate and suffering can be regarded as having placed their empty and confused hearts.
It was a moment of exhilaration, but the consequences were extremely serious.
Although the days are unbearable, they also pass quickly. Another spring year came unexpectedly.
We have a medium-sized reservoir upstream, which needs to be widened and deepened to prepare for flooding, which is very large.
The county organized villages to go out to work on the river.
There are two people in our team, but although the captain is overbearing, he can mobilize for a few days, that is, no one wants to go. In the end, it could only fall on me and Gong Lin.
I went to the canteen and Gonglin went to the construction site.
The construction site implements militarized management, several villages are a platoon, a dozen villages are a company, I am in the company canteen, with an old man in his fifties, responsible for the meals of the hundred and ten people, although it is also very tired, but it is much lighter than Gong Lin's desperate work on the construction site.
There is no distinction between landlords, bad elements or poor peasants, you just have to work hard. It's all people from various villages, and no one knows what kind of ingredient you are, let alone tired to death, who cares about this.
For the first time, we both felt the equality of being human beings, although we were a little tired, but our hearts were happy.
Gong Lin spared no effort, his mood was comfortable, he worked hard and performed positively. At a site evaluation, we were commended for being a brand new shovel, a pair of durable liberation shoes, and an enamel teapot with the award characters, and we both cheered happily and hugged each other tightly.
At one stage, I suddenly stopped thinking about tea. Sometimes he also has nausea and vomiting, and his body is weak.
In fact, I haven't been on menstrual leave for a long time.
I was so stupid, a big girl, I didn't understand this kind of thing, but at the time I just didn't understand.
After a while, I felt that my chest was also swollen a lot, and my stomach was also bulging. I foolishly thought that the construction site was well fed and had gained weight.
It is better to let the landlord's wife see the hint, she first asked me if I was married, I naturally said no, she understood everything, she did not sympathize and carefully said: "Girl, you may be pregnant."
I was shocked to hear this, and it was like waking up from a dream. Embarrassed, I ran away.
At night, I found Gong Lin and explained everything, he was first stunned, and then he beat himself, shouting that it was all a sin of his own making.
At that time, abortion was impossible, one was that the man needed proof, and the other was how we were so kind to make it clear.
There was no way, I had to wash my face with tears all day, so I stayed up, in order to hide my eyes and ears, I let Gong Lin find a piece of cloth, and I tied my abdomen up.
Seeing that the month was getting bigger and bigger, my waist was almost bent.
The uncle who was in charge of the room was kind, did not say broken, and silently carried the work of the canteen for me.
At this time, I thought of my mother, I know that my mother is wise, and her old man must have a way to save her daughter from water and fire. So he found Gong Lin, "The matter has come to this point, there is no other way, only my mother can handle this matter, go to my mother." I said to Gong Lin with a bitter voice.
Gong Lin had to harden his scalp, take a day off, and go to invite my mother overnight, as soon as Gong Lin entered the door, he fell on his knees at his mother's feet, and explained everything with tears. The mother was shocked at first, and then she furrowed her brows, and said in a trembling voice: "You go back first, take care of my daughter, and I will arrive later."
My mother's heart was bleeding, and she hated her daughter for doing such a rebellious thing, but shouting and shouting would not help, it would only spread out and make herself more unfavorable.
She can only suppress her anger, calm down, and plan to solve the crisis and save her daughter from water and fire.
She even blamed herself: usually only think of her pity for her children, born in such a family, suffering, suffering, humiliation, ignoring that her daughter is in adolescence, she did not fulfill her responsibilities as a mother, such a thing happened.
My mother is the person I most admire and admire, she is always unfazed, wise to resolve everything, brave to face suffering.
Today, I am close to the ages, and I have never seen a woman like this.
The next day, she first sold a pig she had fed, two sheep, bought some gifts, and came to the captain's house, and she did not humble herself to tell the captain that her daughter was seriously ill at the construction site, and she wanted to go to see it, and she wanted to replace her daughter in the construction site canteen, and the team did not have to send someone else.
The best of both worlds, and after receiving the gift, the captain was very happy to agree.
The mother came to me the next day, and when she saw my helpless look, she only said one word with tears in her eyes, my bitter child, the mother and the two cried together. After a while, she decisively wiped away her tears and asked about my menstrual leave and other situations.
Judging by her menstrual leave, I was in the process of giving birth, and my mother carried out her plan in an orderly manner.
She first went to the kind landlord lady, took some money out, and begged her to help us and give birth to the child, preferably not too far from here. Niang obviously understands that if she is born here, the impact will be too great, and the damage to our reputation will be the greatest.
This kind of thing women are willing to help women, and the landlord's wife immediately agreed.
Within a few days, I was at the home of the daughter of the landlord's eldest wife, five miles away from the construction site, and gave birth to a baby girl. Since the labor never stopped, despite being the first child, the production was smooth.
About a week after giving birth to the child, my mother resolutely told me and Gong Lin that the child could not be kept and must be given away.
Families like ours, who have children without permission, are going to criticize the streets, and people will despise us, we will stink and stink, and we will have a hard time surviving in the village.
At that time, Gong Lin and I were still two children, and we were frightened and wrapped up, and our affection for my own bones and blood was still indifferent, so I relied on my mother and let my mother deal with it.
The mother made careful arrangements, she wrapped the child in a small quilt, and wrapped five yuan in the quilt, and a torn half-cut one-dollar dollar, a few packages of milk powder, and then a text message, the letter was: If a well-wisher adopts the child, if you are willing to let her recognize her biological parents in the future, use the half-cut one yuan to prove it.
I also interjected that it was not to leave our address in the letter. However, she was sternly refused by her mother, who said that if that was the case, if we were reported to the officials and found by the address, we would be in big trouble.
We had to serve mothers a little longer than we saw.
The mother also clearly told us that the child has a horse stake in the ear (there is a small sarcoma on the outside of the ear eye), which is still very small, and it will be obvious when you grow up, and you will recognize the child in the future, which is also the characteristic of the child, and you two should keep it in mind. The mother's good intentions can be seen.
Then he arranged for Gong Lin to hold the child one night, at least ten miles away, find a house with a better appearance in the door hole, and observe from a distance, until the family took the child away (this is the mother is afraid that the child will be trampled by the dog), we must remember the address of this family, if we can't remember, it will be difficult for us to find the child.
Gong Lin did as his mother instructed.
Although we have lost our flesh and bones, a crisis has been resolved under the careful planning of my mother.
After the incident, my mother had a long conversation with me, and she first admitted that she did not care enough about her daughter, which caused this mistake. Turning the topic to me and Gong Lin, she basically meant that I had no objection to you two children with the same disease walking together, but this kind of absurdity can no longer be done.
Then the mother said. Now, we are in a dangerous situation, you should first be good people, do good things, when the environment is good, I will complete you, I believe that the world will not be like this forever, everything in the world is in change. You tell Gong Lin that I only allow him this time, never a second time, and when he becomes a real man, I will marry my daughter to him.
She was my mother-in-law, but when I heard my mother say these words, I felt guiltless, my face was flushed, and tears rippled into my mother's arms, and I cried out.
In the days to come, he still worked with Gong Lin and chatted on the river embankment. But since then, we didn't even dare to pull our hands anymore, for fear of not being able to hold ourselves any longer and committing that kind of mortal sin again.
I still admire Gong Lin very much for this.
This kind of thing is generally difficult for men to control, let alone a man who is in adolescence and has secretly tasted the forbidden fruit.
During the chat, I relayed what my mother said to me to Gong Lin, his magnanimity to his mother, and giving him another chance, and I was moved to tears.
His mother's promise further aroused his man's enthusiasm for life.
In the team, he rushed to do some tiring and dirty work. Eager to help every member.
For example: whoever builds a house and a barrier, these rural people's big things, find him, he does not say a word, do not look for him, he is also in his free time, take the initiative to help people.
This kind of character quickly won the praise of the members of the team, who all thought that he was a rare good offspring.
Even the violent and rude captain looked at him differently and respected him.
I knew he was deliberately honing himself, hammering himself.
I was happy.
What's even more gratifying is that after a few years, he also became a decent mason.
That year he was sent to the commune to build an auditorium, and because he was industrious, capable, hard-working, educated, able to read drawings, he was favored by a leader in charge of infrastructure construction in the commune, and stayed in the infrastructure team.
As my mother said, things are always changing, and the tightening curse on the heads of those of us who are highly composed has finally been lifted, and we can be equals.
Needless to say, the excitement is needless to say.
We can finally walk together in a clear and beautiful way. I became intimate with Gong Lin in his newly built, grand three-room tile house.
The mother, who is good at controlling her feelings, sees that the two children who have suffered a hard life have finally become the right result, and can't help but shed tears.
Later, the town (commune changed to town) set up a construction company to undertake construction projects in the county. The leader of gonglin was already the manager of the company, and he promoted Gonglin to the captain of a construction team.
Later, the enterprise was restructured, we set up our own company, and Gonglin became a company legal person.
The happier life is, the more we feel sorry for the child we abandoned. It was a piece of flesh that fell from my body!
As soon as we got married, I took a heavy gift with Gong Lin and found the family where Gong Lin had placed the children at the door of the house.
The old man of the family had passed away, and the old man's descendants said that there was such a thing, just this child, and later we transferred it to the Weibei people who came here to escape the wilderness, it was a middle-aged couple with no children and no daughters, and we did not know anything else.
We thanked the family for their kindness, left some money, and went to Weibei to look for it.
I searched with Gong Lin for a few days, but there was no result, I had to stay alone and search village by village, and posted a notice to each village and town, I almost traveled to every village in Weibei, lasted two or three months, there was no news, I could only sit on the ground and sigh: My bitter child, you are still not alive, where are you?
Later, I gave birth to a male baby, and the heart of sizi was slightly lighter.
But as I grew older, I missed my blood and bones that had been lost for many years.
I went to Weibei several times, but to no avail.
Later, he spared no expense in using radio and television to broadcast the search notice, which also ended in failure.
I am nearly seventy years old, and my daughter, if fifty, if she is, should also be a group of children.
In recent years, I have been frightened, and when I see a woman of forty or fifty years old, I will look at people's ears to see if there is a horse stake, and when I see a woman with a horse stake, I will not tire of asking questions until people are overwhelmed and loudly rebuke me.
This pain of losing a son, although there are reasons for the times, but more importantly, they did not control themselves, and their lives were not in order.
Now, I have to swallow this cup of self-brewed bitter wine.