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Hi, hello girls.
In recent years, similar events such as "pig killing plate", "PUA" and "gas lamp effect" have frequently appeared in everyone's field of vision, and these events have caused a big splash in society. So today I want to talk to you about the topic of "PUA".
The full name of "PUA" is "Pick-Up Artist", which originally meant "pick-up artist", but in the current Internet, it refers more to the "mind control" behavior of one party to the other party in the relationship such as crushing, cheating, coercion.
Now the "PUA" scene is no longer limited to "gender relations", but also parent-child relationships, workplaces, campuses and so on.
The other day we solicited a #In life, have you ever been PUA? Or unconsciously PUA over someone else? #的话题, received a lot of letters from readers, so let's take a look at it
▲ Image source: Giphy
When I was in college, I was PUA by my roommate
I live in a two-person dormitory, and my roommate often says something I am not very good at or does not understand the knowledge, in order to belittle and ridicule me, and will also "evaluate" me very bluntly, such as my hairstyle is not good-looking, some of my behavior is not "correct", my thinking mode is old-fashioned, and my concept is outdated.
She always gave me psychological cues that "I am worthless, I am of no use to her, and no one around me likes me."
I also tried to point out that she was uncomfortable with her expression, but she said that there was nothing wrong with her opinion, and that she was willing to put down the "truth" and "echo" me just to take care of my emotions.
So during that time I often wondered if I was really bad. It wasn't until later, when I read some psychology-related books, that I realized the negative impact I had suffered, and I was trying to make myself "hardened" and regained my self-confidence.
When I got married, my in-laws didn't give me a bride price, but after marriage, I was asked to hand over my income
When I first got married, my husband said that he should be "outside the male and female inside", so he did not let me work so hard, and my in-laws also felt that my main task was to take care of the family and asked me to pay my salary.
When the child grows up, because I can't juggle work and life, I am blamed by my in-laws and husband.
"Housework is not done well enough".
"Why didn't you get a promotion and a raise, you did a terrible job."
"My son is so good, you don't deserve him."
We both graduated with a master's degree, and I don't think I'm any worse than him. Even I juggled more things at the same time, but the father of the child did not take on the task of parenting and family.
Even when my children are sick, they think that it is caused by my dereliction of duty, and they think that I should focus on the family and give priority to my husband.
Later, I woke up and didn't want to be "squeezed" in any way, either to pluck up the courage to leave, or to let myself be "accused" by anyone from now on.
First of all I am a person, and secondly I am a mother, a wife.
I found that I was at PUA with people I loved
My daughter, 35 years old, oriented double. My personality has been relatively distinct since I was a child, and my expression ability is very good. At first, I thought that I just liked "leverage", and when I had a verbal altercation with others, I would also "win" until the other party confessed.
When it comes to falling in love, I choose people who are easy to "control" and develop. But when the other person and my relationship reach a level, I will be picky and dissatisfied.
I will emphasize my own efforts and resent some of the other person's "negligence" until the other person is self-doubting and full of guilt.
Even from words and deeds to personality criticism and criticism, any contradiction must be used to degrade the self-esteem of others to achieve the purpose of "winning".
What I say is usually not straightforward, always use "I am for your own good" as a superficial topic, use hints and guidance to make the other party feel that they are wrong, I can also realize that my behavior is not normal, I do not like myself.
I now have a girlfriend who has been together for three years, who loves me and trusts me, and she was confident and glorious when we met, and now she is humble because of my hurt and trembling in our relationship.
I also have a child, but I often trade my "grievances" for his unconditional obedience.
I don't know if I don't love them enough, they are important to me, but I always hurt them and don't know what to do.
My ex-boyfriend asked me to manage the family for money and help him pay off his credit card
When I was with him, he used to say things like "you're not good-looking," "you don't deserve me," and "you're bad." At first I would refute it, but as time went on, I became numb and self-doubting.
Then I thought I was so bad, he was still with me, he liked me.
At that time, there was already a kind of pathological mentality, he was a little nicer to me, I would double down on wanting to be good to him, and I would have to pay him back my credit card every month for my salary, but he was not satisfied, and let me ask for money from home, in fact, I did the same.
During my time with him, I lived every day trembling, insomnia, unable to sleep all night, thinking about suicide every day.
Later I was diagnosed with moderate depression. During the communication with the doctor, I found that I had been PUA.
I'm glad I chose to break up in that state, even though it was a tough one. In fact, I don't want to mention this experience, but the original intention I said was to hope that every girl could take it as a warning.
Be sure to love yourself first, and then love others. Follow your initial feelings and thoughts in a relationship, and reconsider the relationship if there is any discomfort in it.
Even after this bad experience, I still love the world, I love all the good.
Direct family leaders "attack" my private life
After graduation, I went to work alone in an office more than 2,000 kilometers away from home. I didn't have a boyfriend at the time, and my immediate head (almost 60) was often outspoken to me.
For example: "I can't find a boyfriend for so many years, it's too much of a failure to be a person" "You are a little girl, you should serve a good leader".
Later, I had a boyfriend, and the leader "taught" me that I should serve my in-laws more.
I replied, "It's not my duty and responsibility to do housework, if your daughter is in love, will you tell her that too?"
Now, if it's not an emergency, I'll leave work on time, but the leadership has a bit of an opinion on that.
I said, "After being reminded and taught by the leaders, we must leave work on time every day, practice cooking hard, and honor our parents and future in-laws." If you work overtime, where is the time to improve your cooking skills, and where is the time to honor your parents and in-laws?"
Although it is not a full score reply, I think it has also been brave enough to fight back, so that he cannot refute it. "Magic" defeats "Magic"!
What to do when we realize that PUA is happening?
1. In the face of "emotional abuse", actively seek outside help.
2. In the face of "workplace violence", take up the law to protect yourself.
3. In the face of "moral kidnapping", stand up for your right to say "no".
4. In the face of "verbal violence", bravely fight back.
I hope that today's story can also provide you with some inspiration and help, any relationship is based on "respect", not on extortion, fraud and other means.
Today's content is here, if it resonates with you, please click "like", and welcome to move to the message area to share your story~
I love the world.