"Every Child Needs to Be Seen"

29 Many adults may have experienced a similar situation when they are eager to have a relationship with someone else:

1 Loss of self,

2 Make a lot of compromises,

3 Give in in the face of conflict and avoid annoying the other side.

And when children come into contact with others, it will be more difficult for them to stick to their true selves than adults. Many of the good behaviors of children when they get along with people, if placed in the adult world, are compromises, demeaning themselves, or being insincere to themselves.

If we can adapt to the natural development of children, we will not be so worried that children will not get along with others, and we will pay more attention to children's ability to stick to themselves in communication. All social interactions in the world do not lead the child to this point, and only a solid relationship with the caregiver can help the child form a true independence and personality. Only in this environment can people respect themselves and respect others.

❌ Many times, the formation of parenting problems is caused by parents being too anxious, they do not have the patience to observe the child, see the needs of the child, and provide the child with a lot of things that the child does not need. It's worse than giving nothing. ❌

Children need attachment more than friends

So, does the child have no social needs? I have reservations about this sentence because the interaction between children and children, !️ the necessary conditions for "sincerity, respect, support, boundaries," which produce the concept of friendship, are vague and unclear.

Friendship is based on mutual respect and retention of individuality. What we often see and hear is that the child and the child say, "I don't want to play with her anymore, I don't pay attention to him anymore", these are all respecting, the boundaries are out of line! Children themselves cannot cultivate this ability to friendship. Parents and children need to have a solid parent-child relationship first, and guide them on the side, so that children can develop true friendship. Yue Yue and Da Miao respect each other, cooperate with each other, support each other and trust each other in the paddle board activities. This seed of friendship was planted at the age of five, and also depends on the support and guidance of Da Miao's father and mother! !️

When children substitute peers for their parents and value friends more than family, they develop a sense of self-satisfaction. Because this situation is so common, many parents mistakenly think that this is normal. So the next step, we will try our best to ensure that the child has "friends", which invisibly puts the relationship between the child and the family in danger. Then the companion replaces the parent, and then a vicious circle begins. Many problems actually stem from the blindness and negligence of parents. Therefore, being a parent is a job that requires patience and careful observation.

From a developmental point of view, the child's need for self-relationships is much higher than the need for peer relationships. Everyone must have the ability to self-reflect, of course, this ability must also come from maturity. When people establish a self-relationship with themselves, they can choose to like or dislike being alone, agree or disagree with themselves, support or disapprove of themselves, and so on.

The !️ relationship between man and others usually replaces the person's white-self relationship, or tries to fill the gap in the self-relationship. When people don't want to be alone, they are likely to find the company of others, or at least virtual attachment things, such as television or video games. Peer orientation is very similar to watching TV, which will interfere with people's self-relationships, and the better choice is to let the child spend some time communicating with the caregiver, or play some creative games by themselves !️

Many of the needs of children are in order, and if parents get the order wrong, it is likely that they are not suitable for children. Being a wise parent requires insight. The so-called seeing is actually seeing the inside from the appearance and seeing the real needs of the child at this time.

Peers cannot eliminate a child's sense of boredom

"I'm bored" or "This is boring" are words that children often use to complain. Many parents try to alleviate their boredom by increasing their children's communication with their peers. This approach may be temporarily effective, but in reality it only exacerbates the underlying problem, just as a pacifier only makes hungry babies feel hungrier, or people who borrow alcohol to dispel their sorrows end up being more upset. Worst of all, using a companion to ease a child's boredom is actually pushing the child into the arms of a companion.

What is the real cause of boredom? Children are bored because their attachment instincts are not fully stimulated, and at the same time lack self-awareness to fill the gap, which feels like hanging on a gap, like being shelved, or like waiting for the beginning of life. Children who can feel this kind of vacancy are often more willing to talk about their loneliness and loss, or will start to say things like "I don't know what to do", "Now I can't bring up my interest in anything", "I have no idea", "I feel that I am not very creative". Children who can't feel this kind of vacancy will feel listless and will keep saying that they are bored.

!️ In other words, this kind of vacancy, which is usually understood by children as boring, is actually the dual role of the child's attachment void and creativity hollow. Children are not with someone they can be attached to, and at the same time, they lack the curiosity and imagination to spend creative solitude. For example, a child who feels bored in the classroom is a child who has neither established an attachment relationship with the teacher nor is interested in the content of the class. This type of child lacks both attachment to the teacher and the creativity of self-thinking and curiosity, and he will complain that "school is boring" or "I am so bored that I don't know what to do." The child's psychological defense against vulnerability will make him unconscious of the inner sense of emptiness, and the child will think that boredom is caused by external factors, and is caused by !️ his own situation and surrounding environment

Ideally, this gap should be filled by the child's creativity, including initiative, interest, solitude, play, original ideas, imagination, reflective ability, and independent momentum. When the child does not have these conditions, he will rush to find something else to fill the vacancy. Because this gap cannot be felt directly, it is impossible to clearly solve it. Children do not know to look for the cause from the inside, but want to get a rescue method from the outside world, relying on food, entertainment, and companions. The child's brain usually gets stimuli from these aspects, so it will be seen as a solution to boredom, tv, games or other external stimuli, can only temporarily fill the child

The Son's heart is empty, but it can never be filled. As long as the distracting movement stops, the child will feel bored again.

This state is particularly serious when the child has just entered puberty, especially when the child's attachment to adults is not deep enough, and the inner creativity is insufficient. But whether the child is 3 or 13 years old, we may find a playmate for the child or encourage them to go to a companion to play with. ❌ We'd say, "Why don't you ask him if he can play together?" By doing so, parents are telling their children: "Go to your friends with your attachment hunger and thirst and see if they can help you" or "If you can't stand being alone, then attach yourself to your companions and make amends." ❌

But in fact, when children are bored, it is also the time when parents need to establish a parent-child attachment relationship. If we really understand the root cause of our children's boredom, we can realize that children are not ready to reach out to other children right now. The more easily they are bored, the more it shows that they need us, that they need to develop a sense of self, and that the more proof that the child is not prepared to communicate with their peers. Unfortunately, parents can't see the inner needs of their children at this moment, and they can't seize the opportunity of parenting.

Peer orientation not only hinders the child's maturation process, causing the child to escape vulnerability, but also hinders the child from developing curiosity and self-awareness.

(It is particularly important to cultivate children's independent thinking ability from an early age, and Yue Yue bought a set of philosophical enlightenment books "Children Who Think about the World" when she was four and a half years old.) Began to carry out philosophical enlightenment for her "the beginning of the cultivation of reflective ability". Dear, many of the abilities of children must be done before the age of six, because the children in that period of time are still more obedient, as long as you have the patience to accompany them to listen to us. After entering elementary school at the age of seven, I began to accept a lot of more cluttered information and felt that I was very independent. At this time, if the attachment relationship between the parents and the child is not intimate, the parents say more, they may only be able to listen to half of it, which is very good! Think about it! Is it not this time period when the contradiction begins to escalate, and friction begins to be frequent! ）

If parents can realize this problem, then when it is boring, it is the time when parents should accompany and discipline, parents should use the attachment object that the child really needs, and take the opportunity to fill the child's attachment hole !️

This passage is actually very long, some of the content is not suitable for domestic parents, delete and subtract, fill in some, make it easier to understand. Continue tomorrow......... Doing such brain-burning work early every morning I now understand that many scholars are much balder and scratch when they are not inspired!!️!!️!!️ !️!

Make me more respectful of those who write articles, write books, and spread knowledge (pay for knowledge, reading books is too cheap)

If you find my sharing helpful to you, to your relatives, friends, and friends, please invite me to the group or share it. Thank you for your support!