Yi Mu asked:
Knowing that my sister is good, at the beginning of every year, I will set some small goals for myself with great interest, and I want to become a better version of myself, such as learning English and taking a certificate, but I have not persevered. What should I do if I lack self-control, I am very anxious when I think of my wasted life, what should I do?
12
Miao Dai:
At the beginning of each year, I always hear various flags from the people around me:
I want to lose 20 pounds;
I'm going to keep reading one book a week;
I want to go to bed early and get up early and not stay up late;
I'm going to cut off my sugar and keep exercising...
But as a result, many people insisted on it for less than a week, and the flag began to shoot randomly on the face like a cold ice rain.
From "I must insist on this time" to "let's talk about it next time", the goals we set have become useless determinations.
Some people may say, "It's me who's not self-disciplined enough, I lack willpower, I covet my comfort zone."
Really not, maybe we all misunderstand self-discipline.
Always being punched in the face by small targets that you set up, most of them are these 3 reasons!
First, most of the people who grit their teeth and insist on persevering can't stick to it.
In the circle of friends and various social platforms, I always see a lot of self-discipline punching cards. For example, the first day of the challenge day of running 5 kilometers, insisting on reading "One Hundred Years of Solitude" for a week, and punching the clock on the first day after noon.
To be honest, it's not self-discipline, it's masochism.
People who never exercise, suddenly run 5 kilometers, can not persist for more than ten days.
If you can't read a book, why force yourself to overcome drowsiness and finish reading? The intensity of daily work is so great, do not eat after noon, not hungry?
Self-discipline is not about gritting your teeth and sticking to it, willpower is a limited resource.
If we need strong willpower to work, then after work, there may be no determination to exercise and lose weight, which is not self-discipline, but the common sentiment of people.
Living with gritted teeth every day, sooner or later one day it will collapse.
Second, is your goal to be recognized, or is your heart longing?
Looking at the neatly aligned targets, they all taste basically the same.
We ask ourselves: slim to 100 pounds, practice vest line, read a few books recommended by successful people, and take a few certificates with high "gold content".
It is true that these goals may seem beautiful, but are they really the true desires of our hearts?
We always associate "change" with "being recognized."
We fantasize about a new look of ourselves that will make life easier; we fantasize that if we lose weight and are beautiful, we will get love; we fantasize that after taking a few certificates, we will have a successful career.
Those goals are not what we really like, really expect, but our escape from pain.
We hope that after we achieve a certain goal, life will be smooth.
So, please take some time to think about it, is your goal "right" or "what you want"?
Third, you always want to solve a whole bunch of problems at once.
Many goal settings seem to be only one step, but in fact, many steps need to be spanned in the middle.
No one can eat a fat person in one bite, and naturally they can't solve ten problems at once.
After seeing that I insist on writing and earn a lot of writing fees, I always make up my mind: I want to learn from you, and strive to be like you in half a year, and take writing as a side business.
In fact, from a person who wrote or wrote a college entrance examination essay last time to a person who can type a complete article with a computer, what is needed in the middle is not one step, but several steps.
You need to develop the habit of recording life in words, you need to develop the habit of accumulating materials, you need a lot of deliberate practice, you need to read more and enter, you need to find the motivation to persevere...
We treat these as a problem, and we don't know which one to solve when we really do it, so we will feel that we are not suitable, feel that there are too many difficulties, and it is naturally difficult to persist.
When we have a goal in mind and don't know where to start to achieve it, we always fantasize about a lot of plans in our minds, and fantasize about scenes of our own efforts.
In the end, it all becomes the "intracranial orgasm" that stays in the brain, and the determination becomes the internal friction of self-denial.
So, in order to make our flag not hit the face, the new year can be a new self, what should we do?
First, self-discipline never begins with masochism.
People who have lost weight have such an experience, insisting on not eating dinner for a while, and always making up for themselves crazy on a weekend.
This is because we abuse ourselves too much, causing our brains to look at it badly, so we use this way to seek advantage and avoid harm.
We can choose some core events and only achieve "core self-discipline". For example, if you want to exercise and lose weight during this time, then concentrate on achieving only these 1 goals, and don't add other tasks to yourself.
Remember, willpower is a limited resource and saves a little use.
Second, find the intrinsic driver.
Don't think of persistence as an ascetic, but find the motivation to make yourself happy.
As the book "Flow" says, happiness is a by-product of what we gain in the process of focusing on one thing.
What we want to pursue is not the result of focusing, but the process of doing something seriously, and enjoying the feeling of making yourself feel satisfied.
For example, I insist on writing, my motivation is not to make money, nor to make others look like I am successful, but to write articles that make me feel valuable, this feeling is great!
I want someone to be across the screen, moved by one of my words, and make a little positive change.
For example, I insist on exercising, not to get praise from others after I become thin, but because I have found a sport that I like and gained health and happiness from it.
Third, narrow down the goal to something you can't resist.
We can't eat a fat man in one bite, but we can eat it one bite at a time!
Break down the goal into small pieces, so small that you don't need to work too hard to do it.
For example, to run 5 kilometers a day to wear running shoes downstairs after dinner; for example, to read books to listen to books on the way to work; for example, to change not eating staple foods to eating high-calorie grains.
Change a small step first, then enjoy the pleasure of perseverance, and let that pleasure drive the second step.
Step by step, slowly pushing yourself forward.
Finally, don't easily deny yourself because you haven't done it.
Sometimes you can't stick with it, so what?
You still have to learn to discover your worth, believe that you deserve to be loved, and work hard to find your love.
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