Bai Yansong once talked to Bai Yansong in "On the Tao": The Relationship of Life A program mentioned that "I will never agree, beat me to death and did not let my children stay", regardless of why Bai Yansong teachers would be so determined to oppose children going to boarding schools, most people will probably first think of cultivating children's self-reliance and exercising their children's ability to live independently when they mention boarding schools.
Some dual-career parents will also think that their children going to boarding school can not only exercise their children but also reduce the burden of life of transporting their children to and from school, tutoring homework, preparing meals, etc. It is a good choice to kill two birds with one stone.
So why would Teacher Bai Yansong resist and completely oppose the child's boarding school? Is it not good for most parents to think that their children go to boarding school to exercise their children's independence?
The reason why Teacher Bai Yansong opposes children going to boarding schools can also answer the questions of parents who have a positive attitude towards boarding schools and believe that boarding schools can exercise their children's independent ability.
Perhaps going to boarding school can exercise the child's ability to live independently to a certain extent, but compared to the harm caused to the child by the residential school, the benefit of this point is really not worth the loss, and the harm brought to the child by the residential school is really big, because in the process of living in the school, the child has gradually lost, and what is most needed and most important at this stage of his life is the family relationship.
Living away from home to live on campus to be independent is a misunderstanding
For most families, the children in the family are now little princes, little princesses, regardless of the gap in the material conditions of each family, no matter what the economic conditions of the family, the status of the children in this family is the same honor, the children in the family status effortless unity "seizure of power", mainly stemming from the rarity of things.
When each family has only one child, this child naturally becomes the focus of the family, and the child's "throne" and the treatment to match it do not require the child to fight for it himself, and the parents have already offered it with both hands.
So these little princes and little princesses all live a happy and lazy life of clothes to reach out and eat to open their mouths, and parents are accustomed to the basic life of their children who are completely dependent on the care of their parents, and take it for granted that they are reluctant to let their children do any of the housework that can be self-reliant.
Gradually, children in the parents of the needs, meticulous care of the loss of self-reliance and independence of the opportunity and ability, in the independence and independent living ability is almost a blank piece of paper, so most parents will think that the child should leave the family, leaving the parents to exercise the child's ability to live independently and independently, such as boarding school is a good choice, but this is a great misunderstanding.
Independence is not necessarily related to whether or not to leave the family and leave the parents, and those parents who think that only by leaving the family and leaving the parents can they exercise their children's ability to stand on their own and live independently are actually caught in the trap they have set.
The reason why it is difficult for children to stand on their own in the family and around their parents is not that children are subjectively inseparable from the care of their parents, but on the contrary, it is because parents "deprive" children of the opportunity to stand on their own and learn to live independently.
It is almost obvious that children lose the ability to be self-reliant and independent at home by relying on the care of their parents, and it is almost obvious that it is the parents and not the children who bear the main responsibility.
Just think about the early days of the founding of the People's Republic of China, in the years when basic living materials were scarce and people's living standards were limited, whose children would not wash and cook their own food early, and the ability to live independently and independently did not need to be deliberately taught and cultivated, let alone deliberately looking for opportunities for exercise, life naturally taught self-reliance and independence, and did not need to leave the family and parents.
So why not now? Because at that time, the relationship between parents and children, life and children was just in the natural growth process because of the limited standard of living at that time, what kind of life skills children should learn at what age, dominated by life needs, and now parents doting on the child's artificial intervention, so whether children can be self-reliant and independent does not depend on whether they leave the family and parents, but depends on whether parents can let go of the child's natural growth.
Healthy self-reliance and independence are inseparable from parents
Children to be self-reliant, the ability to learn to live independently is not necessarily to leave the family, leave the parents to be able to do, leaving the family and parents to exercise independent ability is only a passive choice, in the child's psychology first of all lost the positive motivation to actively accept and learn, but become a passive face of "have to", and even produce a certain psychological burden.
Therefore, it is not necessary to leave the family and parents and children to start to live independently and independently, but on the contrary, it is correct to complete the cultivation of self-reliance and independent ability and habit formation in family education.
For example, a friend's child, before the age of six, there are parents or grandparents in the child's own room to sleep, to the age of six, the parents realize that the little boy should exercise their guts, and the age of six years old can also sleep independently, so after communicating with the child, they began to let the child sleep alone in their room.
In the first two days, it was difficult for children to sleep peacefully because they were afraid of the dark, and then friends thought of ways to let the children watch the story and fall asleep, and then turn off the lights after the children fell asleep. Gradually, children have become accustomed to sleeping on their own and no longer rely on anyone.
However, the cultivation of this independent ability is different from simply and rudely pushing the child out of the house away from the parents, in the case that the child is not ready, the cruel let the child face the strange world alone, and the warmth and love of the child and the parents and the parents are hard and hard to peel off, which is easy to cause the hurt of the sense of separation.
The self-reliance and independence ability cultivated in the family is based on the parents' sense of security around them, and is actively established and cultivated in the parents' love and trust in the parents, and then naturally separates from the dependence of the parents when a certain skill of self-reliance and independence grows into a mature independent ability, just like the fruit falls off after maturity, that is the healthy growth process that should be there.
The gain of living on campus is not worth the loss
Teacher Bai Yansong once said in the "On the Tao" dialogue Bai Yansong: The Relationship of Life in a program: "For example, because you think that the most important thing in life is the family, so you will run it, value it, just like I never agree, beat me to death and did not let my children stay, I and my wife will be very hard for this, transfer and so on to pay a lot, but you know, life is like this." 」 ”
Teacher Bai Yansong and his wife did not choose the simple solution of letting the child live in the school because of the busy and immaculate work, but in any case, they overcame the difficulties, so that when their children need the stage of family and parents in the process of growing up, they always let the children be by their parents' side, maintain a moderate sense of security, and when the children encounter problems, they can communicate well with their parents in time, get the correct guidance of their parents, until the children grow up to face most of the problems in life independently.
Because Teacher Bai Yansong understands that parents are irreplaceable in the healthy growth process of their children, some parents believe that the ability to live independently in residential schools allows children to obtain independent living, and the children's gradual indifference, alienation and even loss of family relations in the process of living in school, so that the harm caused by the child's growth process is really not worth the loss, and it is not advisable to use the residential school as a way for children to obtain independent living ability.
In the child's psychology is not yet mature enough to face life and social problems basically independently, but only because in the family parents will not let go of the cultivation of children's self-reliance and independence, or because the work is forced to take care of the child's care and choose to push the child away from the family, push away from the parents, prematurely let the child passively lonely to face life and society.
This will cause difficult to correct or even irreversible harm in the process of children's growth, so that children pay for the mistakes of their parents' education and training methods, and it is unfair to let the lack of children's growth become the price of parents' mistakes.
True self-reliance and independence is not a simple thing that can do your own laundry, eat, wear and warm, take care of your own diet and living independently, the real independence and independence is to have a healthy, mature, and complete mind that can independently face various problems in life, which is the establishment and cultivation that only parents can give.
brief summary:
It is said that the family is the best school and the parents are the best teachers. Because the child's growth is like a melon ripe, before it is ripe, it must need the companionship of parents to participate, love and the supply of nutrients, if the fruit is forcibly picked before it is immature, so that the child and the parents are separated and peeled off, then the fruit will inevitably become an irreversible green and bitter fruit.
Therefore, parents should learn to let go, let the child's growth follow the laws of nature, let them learn when they should learn a certain self-reliant and independent skills, and accompany and guide them, so that the child can grow safely and healthily on the parents' vines until it matures naturally, naturally detaches from the parents, and completes the true independence of the individual.