On the lively street, someone with a smile on your face asks you: Can you help with a questionnaire?
On the crowded bus, someone with a pale face and weak face discussed with you: I am very uncomfortable, can you let me sit down?
The neighbor is going on a business trip for two weeks, and before leaving, bring the kitten to your house and ask you to help take care of it...
All of the above situations, everyone has the opportunity to encounter. Faced with such a situation, is your first reaction to refuse, or is it to agree and try your best to do a good job? What are the reasons for rejection and acceptance?
In the early hours of March 1964, the 28-year-old girl was preparing to return to her apartment after work when she was attacked by a 29-year-old male worker on her way half an hour away from home. In the process, the girl repeatedly cried out for help, and many people heard her plea for help, and even some people saw her encounter. In the end, 2 people called the police, one scared the perpetrator away, and the other ran out and hugged the girl.
That is to say, from the time of this tragedy to the end, only 4 people came forward to help her.
The incident sparked widespread discussion: First, New Yorkers are cold and heartless, and psychologists are studying it: Why do people help (and won't) help others?
The author of "How to Ask for Help Properly", the American social psychologist Heidi M. Grant analyzes the conundrum of asking for help in his book.
He analyzes the reasons why people are reluctant to ask for help:
Most people are reluctant to ask for help because the matter of asking for help itself will bring great pain to people;
Many people are not thinking of asking for help, but before they open their mouths, they are frightened and discouraged: he thinks that even if he asks for help, he will be rejected;
I feel that asking for help is a humble and disgraceful thing, and I must maintain my "dignity" and insist on it alone.
Contrary to what we think in our hearts, the truth is that many people do not say "no" in the face of others' pleas for help. Because people reject others, it will bring psychological discomfort, and there will be regret, regret and other subsequent worries.
Heidi. Grant's research is a big surprise: Humans are more willing to help and support others than they actually are. If you don't get help from others in your life, maybe it's more because you won't ask for help.
Sometimes, the person who asks for help does not get timely help, not because others are unwilling, but because others do not know that he needs help.
Back at the beginning, a girl was killed in the early hours of the morning on the streets of the United States, and studies show that many people did not hear her cries for help. Psychology has a pervasive "inattentive blindness" that explains it well: People generally don't care about what's going on around them unless it's related to their own goals.
Especially now, people who hold their phones every day have little energy to distract themselves from paying attention to the things around them. In noisy environments, the needs of the helper are less likely to be discovered by others. This is also one of the reasons why people in lively street markets and crowded subways often do illegal things. Even if the helper calls for help and seeks help, it is easy to be interfered with and cannot be assisted in time.
Many times, your request for help is not answered and helped by everyone, not because others don't want to help, but because they don't realize what's going on. There is an audience-suppressing effect in psychology – a psychology in which people generally fear being ugly in front of everyone.
There was a time when the vegetable market blatantly robbed the child, the child's mother desperately snatched and called for help from the people around her, but in the end it was the bad guys who got away with it, leaving the mother crying and robbing the ground. Why didn't she get help?
Because potential helpers have concerns:
The case itself is often a combination of bad guys who push their children to buy vegetables and rob their children, often the role of an elderly "mother-in-law" and the role of a "husband" played by a young man. This will almost make everyone think that the robbery of children is someone else's housework, and it is inconvenient for outsiders to intervene.
Since it is a housework, but it is a contradiction between husband and wife, a contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, then some people must think that in fact, the mother does not need the help of others. Whoever stepped forward to help the mother would be accused by the family and those around them of being nosy.
If you are struggling for help, it is better to purposefully seek the most effective help at the beginning - to call the police, or to indicate that one of the people in the audience will help to call the police. When the crowd saw the police, they naturally understood that she really needed help.
The study in the book shows that the more bystanders there are when others need help, the fewer people will actually help, because people are not sure who will bear the corresponding responsibility: Why should I help you?
We often see messages such as circle of friends, crowdfunding life-saving, and treatment, but in fact, there are few responders. Why? Putting aside the concerns of doubting the authenticity, the people who saw the news still had such thoughts: wait for who donated me and then donate; first wait and see, the more people who donate, I will donate again; how much can I donate, ah, a cup of water is better than not donating...
If the helpers could talk privately one by one and tell their own situation, the results would be very different.
In a busy working state, most people have no time to pay attention to what is happening around them. There is an experiment in the book: the "victim" fainted in the hallway of the academy, coughing and moaning, but the subject who was busy with high pressure did not see the person lying on the ground. There were even subjects who hurried away directly past him. In this experiment, only 10% of the people gave help to the victims.
The reason for this is something we can all understand: Don't go to busy people for help.
First, he doesn't have time to listen to you about your situation, second, he doesn't have the energy to help you, and third, people are busy, and you still bother, which can easily lead to the disgust of others.
Expecting help from others is to let others see your needs, so please understand the situation of others before you ask for help.
Offerings are reciprocal. When you encounter someone else's request for help and eagerly provide help, you can also get benefits yourself. These benefits may not be felt at the time, and will bring you considerable pleasure and satisfaction for a period of time to come.
Accepting someone else's pleas for help, maybe you don't mind, but it doesn't prevent you from getting their liking;
Giving has always been better than asking for happiness. It is not to advocate selfless giving, but to lend a helping hand when others need it, which is far more joyful and happy than standing by and watching.
People who are trapped in certain depression and sad emotions and cannot extricate themselves, if they can provide help from others, it is easier to find a sense of existence and value, so as to shift their attention from focusing on their own pain to the outside world. Opening the mind is the best way to treat emotions.
Life is unpredictable, at any time, hold on to a hope. ——Dong Qing
This book tells us that when you ask someone for help, you are doing them a big favor.
So, don't have to suffer, don't worry, master the right method, boldly say what you need, and you will reap unexpected surprises.