01
In 140 BC, Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty succeeded to the throne and launched a large-scale talent collection plan, which was code-named Xianliang Fangzheng Selection.
Suddenly, scholars and Confucians from all over the world, who had been suppressed for a long time, applied for "resumes" one after another.
Dongfang Shuo of Pingyuan County was overwhelmed after hearing the recruitment announcement of the imperial court, and began to think about the letter to the emperor overnight.
After careful consideration, Dongfang Shuo splashed ink and wrote books day and night.
After a few days and nights, Dongfang Shuo actually used more than three thousand pieces of bamboo, and finally needed two people to lift it.
Zhu Jian was transported to Chang'an, and Emperor Wu of Han read The Book of Dongfang Shuo alone for two months.
Dongfang Shuo wrote in his "Resume": "I did not have parents when I was very young, my brother and sister-in-law raised me, I read poetry and books at the age of thirteen, I was strong in swordsmanship at the age of fifteen, I was proficient in the Book of Poetry and the Book of Shang at the age of sixteen and wrote, and at the age of nineteen I was familiar with the art of war. Now I am twenty-three years old, nine feet tall, my eyes are like electricity, I am brave like Meng Ben, my agility is like Qingji, my honesty is like Uncle Bao, and my faithfulness is like Ozai. Such a good person is enough to be your courtier, right?! ”
Emperor Wu of Han couldn't help but feel excited when he looked at it, and he admired Dongfang Shuo, but after reading the aftertaste, he found that it was not right: Dongfang Shuo was completely bragging.
Emperor Wu of Han decided to make a joke with Dongfang Shuo: waiting for the summons at the bus office.
Dongfang Shuo waited for a long time, and due to the meager salary of the Bus Department, the coiling of the belt was quickly spent.
The Book of Han records: "Shuowen is not inferior in words, high self-proclaimed reputation, Shangweizhi, Ling Waiting for the Zhao Bus, Fenglu Bo, not to be seen." ”
02
Dongfang Shuo also came back at this time, knowing that the emperor was teasing himself.
Dissatisfied, Dongfang Shuo began to seek an opportunity to meet His Majesty the Emperor.
While walking around the bus station, I accidentally saw a few dwarfs who raised horses for the emperor, and Dongfang Shuo was very careful.
He frightened several dwarfs and said, "People like you can neither farm nor fight wars, nor do you have the talent to govern the country, and you are of no use to the country at all." The Emperor has already planned to kill you all, so go and intercede with the Emperor! ”
The dwarfs were frightened and suddenly the six gods were masterless, and they cried and cried in droves to plead with Emperor Wu of Han.
Emperor Wu of Han was confused, so he asked the dwarfs in detail about the reason.
The dwarfs accused in unison: "Dongfang Shuo told us: Your Majesty is going to kill all of us." ”
Emperor Wu of Han only then understood the reason for this, and it turned out that Dongfang Shuo was a ghost.
He immediately ordered someone to summon Dongfang Shuo to see him.
In the face of the emperor's angry questioning, Dongfang Shuo said unhurriedly: "This is a last resort. The dwarf is three feet tall, I am nine feet tall, but we are the same. You can't starve a courtier, can you? Otherwise, His Majesty will still let his subjects return to their hometowns, and the province will waste the country's grain. ”
Watching Dongfang Shuo humorously tell his grievances, Emperor Wu of Han laughed heartily and ordered Dongfang Shuo to wait for the Golden Horse Gate.
From then on, Dongfang Shuo occasionally had the opportunity to get close to Emperor Wu of Han.
The Book of Han records: "Confucianism is terrified and weeps. Shuo jiao said: "Go up and pass, prostrate your head and ask for sin." "There is a place, smell it, and all the rudders cry." Asked: "What is it?" "The Eastern Shuo wants to do everything in the world." "Shang Zhi Shuo is multi-terminal, summoning Shuo ..."
03
Emperor Wu of Han liked to put things under the spittoon and let the ministers guess for fun.
Once a lizard was placed under the bowl, and neither of the ministers guessed correctly.
Dongfang Shuo knelt down and asked himself, "I am familiar with the I Ching, can I let my subjects guess?" ”
So Dongfang Shuo put on a variety of gua elephants, and made a lot of mistakes.
Then he said, "Say dragons have no horns, say snakes have no feet, either geckos or lizards." ”
Emperor Wu of Han discovered that the Eastern Shuo God had been discovered and immediately rewarded him with ten horses.
In the subsequent game, Dongfang Shuo guessed every time, and Emperor Wu of Han was surprised and praised.
The popularity of Dongfang Shuo aroused the jealousy of the emperor's favorite minister Guo Sheren, who believed that Dongfang Shuo was just arrogant and arrogant, and accidentally guessed that there was actually no real ability.
The emperor then asked the two to compete, and as a result, Guo Sheren did not have a mystery to be able to stop Dongfang Shuo.
In the end, Emperor Wu of Han admired Dongfang Shuo even more and made him a changshilang.
After becoming an emperor's confidant, Dongfang Shuo was soon promoted to the official position of Taizhong Doctor, added to shizhong, and often rewarded with gold.
However, Dongfang Shuo had a straight personality, and successively dissuaded the emperor from staying away from the villains and expanding the Shanglin Garden, which provoked the emperor to have some opinions about him.
Finally, one day, Dongfang Shuo was drunk, peed in the palace, and was exposed and reported, and Emperor Wu of Han demoted him to a position.
The Book of Han records: "First, Shuo tasted drunkenness in the temple, and on the small relic hall, impeached disrespect. ”
04
The revamping of Dongfang Shuo was no accident, but the result of repeated teasing of the emperor.
At the beginning of Dongfang Shuo's appointment as a changshilang, Emperor Wu of Han hunted and obtained a lot of wild meat, and ordered it to be distributed to everyone.
Before the official in charge of dividing the meat arrived, Dongfang Shuo drew his sword and cut the meat himself, then wrapped it up and brought it home.
Colleagues accused him one after another, but he had a good idea: "It's so hot on three days, let's go home early." I first accepted the reward of the Son of Heaven. ”
The official in charge of dividing the meat the next day participated in a book of Oriental Shuo.
Emperor Wudi of Han questioned him: "You didn't wait for the edict to be issued yesterday, you went home without cutting meat, and you interrogated yourself?!" ”
Dongfang Shuo said to himself, "Dongfang Shuo, you don't wait for the edict to cut the flesh, it's a bit rude!" How heroic it is to draw a sword and cut flesh! There is not much meat to be cut, how incorruptible! How benevolent it is to give meat to his wife! ”
Emperor Wudi of Han sneered and laughed, "You have been asked to blame yourself, and you have praised yourself." Finally, Emperor Wu of Han rewarded him with a stone of wine and a hundred pounds of meat and asked him to give it to his wife.
The Book of Han records: "When the great official Cheng Ri yan came down, Shuo Du drew his sword and cut the flesh, saying that his fellow officials said: "When the flea returns, please receive it." "That is, to carry the meat." The grand official played it. ”
05
Once, Emperor Wu of Han saw a tree and asked Dongfang Shuo to name the tree, and Dongfang Shuo returned: "Shanzai".
After a year, Emperor Wudi of Han went to the same place again, remembered the past, and immediately asked the name of the Oriental Shuo tree, and the Oriental Shuo returned: "Qu Suo".
Emperor Wudi of Han ordered the record officials to turn over the old archives and record the old events of last year, and Emperor Wudi of Han asked Dongfang Shuo to explain, otherwise he would be punished.
Dongfang Shuo said, "This is normal?! The big is a horse, the small is a foal, the long is a chicken, and the small is a chick; the few are children, and the grown up is old. The same goes for trees. ”
Emperor Wu of Han knew his rhetoric, but he was speechless.
However, Dongfang Shuo is not only grandstanding, but also sometimes witty with integrity.
Once, Fang Shiluan, who was deeply trusted by the emperor, presented "Mountain Seeking Immortal Wine" to Emperor Wu of Han, and Emperor Wu of Han could not wait to drink it.
Dongfang Shuo stepped forward to dissuade, "Wei Chen can recognize the authenticity of this wine." ”
After saying that, Dongfang Shuo drank the wine.
Emperor Wu of Han was furious and vowed to kill Dongfang Shuo.
Dongfang Shuo said, "If Your Majesty kills his subjects, then the wine is fake; if the wine is real, then His Majesty will not kill the subjects." ”
Emperor Wu of Han pardoned Dongfang Shuo, and became suspicious of the cajoling of the fangshi.
In the end, Emperor Wu of Han debunked their deception and brought them to justice.
06
When Dongfang Shuo was dying, he said to Emperor Wu of Han: "Rumors do not stop, and the four conveniences are not peaceful." I hope that His Majesty will stay away from flatterers and will not listen to rumors. ”
Emperor Wu of Han, who was accustomed to listening to the humor of Dongfang Shuo, sighed: "It is really strange that Dongfang Shuo can also be so serious." ”
Soon, Dongfang Shuo died.
Perhaps Emperor Wu of Han really did not listen to it, and in the last year of Emperor Wu's reign, there was a scourge of witchcraft, and hundreds of thousands of people in the whole country, even the crown prince was killed.
Lao Wang: Dongfang Shuo should know that he will be put into the "Funny Column Biography", but it is better than a tragic death.
As the saying goes, "Lu is immersed in the world, avoiding the Golden Horse Gate." The palace can escape the whole body, why go deep in the mountains, under the artemisia? ”
It is hidden in the city.