When I was a student, when I watched the martial arts novel "Tianlong Babu", I was immersed in it for a long time.
At the end of the story, Ah Zi bitterly fell in love with Xiao Feng, gave Xiao Feng a poison that made him lose his internal strength, and finally Xiao Feng was forced to commit suicide and died at the hands of the woman who loved him.
Ah Zi's temperament has always been vicious, but she poisoned Xiao Feng not out of bad intentions - anyone who has read the book should remember that she was used by Yelü Hongji as a spiritual medicine to manipulate people's hearts, believing that as long as Xiao Feng drank that glass of wine, he would forget his sister Arjun and sincerely fall in love with her from then on.
This story once made me think: all of Ah Zi's plans are nothing more than to replace Aju's position and become the "irreplaceable" role in the heart of the person.
Over the years, many of the girls who come to me for advice and help are facing the same problems - they are invariably afraid of being abandoned and replaced in intimate relationships, and they need an "irreplaceable" position, even if the time fades, this position is still unshakable.
I think that if I also handed them a glass of wine and said that as long as their lover drank this glass of wine, he would be loyal to her, and there would be many girls who would flock to her.
The obsession and occupation in love have been the same throughout the ages.
In fact, there is no elixir or technique that can make a person die for you, but there are always ways to make him change his mind less likely and rely more deeply on you.
This is the "irreplaceability" in love.
Deliver value that is hard to replace
In fact, the first time I heard about the concept of "irreplaceability", it was about the workplace aspect – there is a saying that the decisive factor in your salary is not your workload, work intensity and time, or even the technical content of the work, but your irreplaceability. When you do something every day that no one else can replace at will, you win.
In love, this is also true. When you have irreplaceable value to him, what you do for him is not something that other women can replace casually, leaving you for him becomes an extremely difficult thing.
A misunderstanding of many girls is that they always put the "irreplaceable position" on how much the man must love himself, but in fact, "love" is an extremely emotional and uncontrollable thing - today love still exists, tomorrow love may disappear, today he gave love to you, tomorrow he may give love to others.
As we all know, deep love does not live. The "irreplaceable" brought about by love is often very short-lived, and if you only rely on a single love to maintain the relationship, once the concentration of love is slightly reduced, your status is very likely to be shaken.
A phenomenon worth pondering is that the more girls who usually pin all their hopes on "he loves me very much", the more "insecure" they are in love.
I'm not saying that love is unreliable, but in a long-term relationship it should just be a plus.
In life, you are family members who take care of each other; in your career, you are partners who go hand in hand; in thought, you are like-minded confidants; emotionally, you are partners who are in love with each other...
Such a lover is obviously difficult to replace, because without you, his life will lose many very important identities, and the higher his dependence on you, the higher your irreplaceability.
All the long-lasting and stable love in this world must be more than just "love".
Guide him to pay the "sunk cost"
I'm usually reluctant to answer the question "Do girls want to spend boys' money on boys' gifts?" In this era, most girls are not to the point where they can't live without spending a man's money, and most of the couples are right in the door, and the economic strength is not too different, and the things he buys for you, you can probably afford it yourself.
I usually ask them, in turn, to think about the question, what purpose are you spending his money and receiving his gifts for?
There is a plot in "The Little Prince" in which the Little Prince almost fell into despair when he came to Earth and found that the only rose on his planet was everywhere on Earth.
But then he understood that his roses were still unique, because only his roses had been cultivated and watered by him, and only his roses had listened to his heart and told his feelings.
The rose is the same, and what is irreplaceable is the little prince's efforts.
In a relationship, you should also think of yourself as a "rose" blooming in his eyes, leading him to pay a lot of sunk costs for you - this is not to encourage you to desperately circle money from men, in fact, these costs do not have to involve money, you can also ask him to pay a lot of time, energy or thought for you.
For example, you can ask him to learn a skill for you, set aside a lot of time to date you, or even adjust your life trajectory...
And, at best, the efforts you ask for are irretrievable.
In this way, even if there is a problem between you or the relationship is flat, he will always remember that he invested a lot in you, and he will repeatedly rationalize his behavior in his heart, and the only reason he can rationalize all this is that he loves you deeply and he cannot leave you.
Create more common "entanglements"
In the Japanese novel "White Night", there is a word that describes the relationship between the male and female protagonists called "symbiosis".
"Gun shrimp will dig holes and live in holes. But there's a guy who's going to live in its hole, and that's the gobies. However, the goby is not in vain, it will patrol the mouth of the cave, if there is a foreign enemy approaching, it will swing the tail fin to notify the gun shrimp in the hole. They cooperate seamlessly and live for mutual benefit. ”
In the story, what they do is controversial, but their relationship with each other is undoubtedly indestructible - the heroine Yukiho ignores almost all emotions, but when she mentions Ryoji, she will say, "There is no sun in my sky, but there is something that replaces the sun, so it is not dark." ”
Throughout the book, they don't even have a word of dialogue, and each of them lives a very different life following their own life trajectory, but all readers understand that in their world, they are irreplaceable beings for each other- in the end, Ryoji dies for Yukiho, and Yukiho's life falls into the endless darkness.
This is the power of the pull.
In fact, if you have seen enough film and television literature, you will find that most of the touching and profound love stories will have such a tie, it is like a tough thread, tying lovers together, so that their mutual firmness and loyalty beyond love itself.
Of course, most people's lives are mundane, there are not so many life-and-death choices and dark secrets that need to be guarded together, but you can still find the thread that holds you together.
It can be the tacit understanding that you met at a young age, it can be the companionship that you have shared happiness and suffering, it can be your deep understanding of his inner world, or you can have common memories...
Such an involvement will make you a part of each other that cannot be separated.
It's like Ah Zi didn't know until the last moment, and the place where she was inferior to Arjun was not that "her appearance was not as good looking as her", nor was it that "people were not as smart as her", nor was it because "she was dead" that Xiao Feng thought about her all the time.
It is only because those irreplaceable, near-eternal loves all have a certain moment that is ignited, and this moment exists and continues for a long time in the form of a tie.
Since then, there has been only one person in all the countries of the world, for thousands of years.