In September 1995, a generation of literary writers Zhang Ailing passed away unexpectedly.
In her los Angeles apartment, when police arrived to find her body decomposing, an autopsy proved she died a week earlier.
In Zhang Ailing's will, she left a 320,000 yuan inheritance to her friends, but people found that she also had a living relative, that is, her brother Zhang Zijing.
But in her will, she said nothing about her brother.
At this time, Zhang Zijing on the other side of the ocean was 74 years old, and after hearing the news of his sister's death, he reopened the "Younger Brother" written by his sister, and just read the beginning, and his eyes were tearful.
When she learned that her sister was discovered a week after her death because she lived alone, Zhang Zijing was very disappointed in her heart. Since then, he has had a habit of not daring to close the door whether he sleeps during the day or at night.
Although born to the same mother, Zhang Zijing has a completely different life from her sister, who became famous at a young age, but he is mediocre, miserable for half a life, and never married.
If life can be repeated, he may only want to stay in the dream of his childhood.
Good-looking, "orphan" under the giants
Zhang Zijing, born in 1921, is one year younger than Zhang Ailing.
Their grandfather Zhang Peilun was a famous courtier at the end of the Qing Dynasty, their grandmother Li Jujun was the eldest daughter of Li Hongzhang, an important minister of the imperial court, and the sisters and brothers were truly famous queens.
Unlike her sister, Zhang Zijing has been weak and sick since she was a child, and she is very envious of her sister's ability to eat, drink, and paint, and he often paints her paintings in a mess, but Zhang Ailing has never lost her temper.
In Zhang Zijing's childhood memories, home is as beautiful as a painting:
Lush and blooming, it houses a romantic mother, a personable father, and a sister who occasionally sneaks a kiss on his cheek.
He had thought that life would always be like this, but he never thought that under the gorgeous shell of the family, there was a deteriorated core.
His father, Zhang Zhiyi, was a clumsy boy who grew up reading the Four Books and Five Classics, relying on the huge family inheritance left by his ancestors, spending money all day and looking for flowers and willows.
Her mother, Huang Yifan, couldn't stand her husband's eating, drinking and gambling, and at the age of 31, she dragged her heavy suitcase to study in the UK.
On the day her mother left, Zhang Zijing felt the pain of separation from her closest relatives for the first time, and since then, like his sister, he has become a child without a "mother" for the time being, and his father does not pay attention to family affection, and the family always gives people a sense of coldness.
It was also from then on that Zhang Zijing realized what loneliness was.
The same root and different life, the "abandoned child" in the tragic world
A few years later, when her mother returned from England, Zhang Zijing was already unfamiliar with the woman in front of her.
She combs Her head, paints her red dan, pearlescent, and has a strong figure.
Zhang Zijing did not feel too much joy, even if his mother brought him toys and snacks, he did not have much feeling.
The mother, whose thinking has long been Westernized, originally had a glimmer of hope for the family, but she could not stand her father's conservative thinking, and in desperation, she proposed a divorce to her husband.
After the divorce, his father soon remarried, and he became more and more decadent in life, not only did not change his bad habits, but also intensified, infected with smoke, and his temper was increasingly violent.
Once, Zhang Zijing provoked his father because of a small matter, and his father actually raised his hand and slapped it.
Zhang Ailing on the side was very distressed, but she knew that her strength and her father were very different, and she was powerless to resist. I could only hide in the bathroom to wipe my tears, grit my teeth and say, "I want revenge, one day I will take revenge." ”
Zhang Zijing seemed to be used to such scolding, and after being slapped, she did not cry or make a fuss but ran to the balcony to play football, as if nothing had happened.
I don't know when "weakness" became Zhang Zijing's "protective color" in the face of conflict.
His stepmother was wearing nothing to complain about, and his father neglected his studies, and he also felt lost.
Later Zhang Zijing, because there was no one to discipline, became more and more depraved, truant, stubborn, and unambitious became his fixed label.
Zhang Ailing heard about her brother's changes, and always had a sense of anger of "hating iron not steel", and when others scolded her brother, she scolded her more fiercely than others.
It is not that his sister and mother did not care about Zhang Zijing, but the life they arranged for him was not what Zhang Zijing wanted.
This thin boy, he has no pursuit of life, what he desires is only the care of his parents, the love of his sister, and the attention of others.
And these are precisely what Zhang Ailing and her mother are most disgusted with, they can't accept an unfinished brother and son.
One summer, Zhang Zijing, who had an extremely depressed life with his father, saw that his sister who had defected to his mother was doing well, and he also moved his mind to run to his mother.
That day, he carefully wrapped his basketball shoes in newspaper, knocked on the door of his aunt's house, looked at his mother with a pair of big wet eyes, and begged her to take him in.
However, this request was opposed by her mother, who felt that she was unable to raise another child, and she was deeply convinced that in that era of son preference, Zhang Zhiyi would not leave this son alone.
She patiently told Zhang Zijing that she could only afford one child, and this quota had been occupied by her sister.
Since then, Zhang Zijing has lived with his father and stepmother, but he still misses his mother and sister, and has visited his sister Zhang Ailing at his aunt's house several times, but his aunt has let him eat "closed door soup".
"She thinks I've always lived under the care of my father and stepmother, and I've been deeply influenced by them... Therefore, I maintained a certain vigilance and distance from me. Zhang Zijing said in his memories.
Many times, people do not think of family affection, but in that era of lack of resources, but when there is some suspicion, estrangement, human selfishness and ugliness will be put to infinity, compared to giving others warmth and love, filling the stomach is the top priority.
Zhang Zijing does not understand? He understood.
As a saying once said: "The cheapest thing in the world is the gentleness that achieves nothing, the warmth of the cold and the warmth of the dispensable, and the insignificant affection." ”
And Zhang Zijing can only give them this cheap affection, he can only be like a moth to the fire, around to capture this perishable affection.
Unmarried all his life, a "mediocre person" who is obedient
Zhang Zijing's whole life has actually been grasping all along, but every time she scratches, she seems so pale and powerless.
In his youth, he was Zhang Zijing, who longed for his mother's attention, in middle age, he was Zhang Zijing who longed for his sister's care, and in old age, he was Zhang Zijing who held the memory of warmth.
Unfortunately, the last thing that ruined his life was the two words "cowardice", he wanted to get his mother's love, but he did not have the courage to draw a clear line with his father and stepmother.
"Cowardice" made him like a wall of grass, surviving in the gap between two families, a life of hurry, doing nothing.
If Zhang Zijing's personality can be like his mother, with a lonely courage, meet a disappointed life, go far away, kill a bloody road, perhaps, his fate will change, but he did not.
When his father ignored his studies, he did not rise up and resist;
When his father had no money to marry and have children for him because he smoked a lot of cigarettes, he did not have the courage to express the bitterness and dissatisfaction in his heart;
When his stepmother and grandson left him his father's scattered inheritance with him, while he himself took the majority, he did not even raise any objections;
Every time the injustice of fate fell on his head, he chose to escape, turning himself into an "ostrich" with his head buried in the dunes, at the mercy of life, and this series of "inaction" and "non-resistance" woven his tragic life.
In the endless streets of the Republic of China, he is the "poor worm" who has been abandoned by his family but still longs for the warmth of his family, and in New China he is the frustrated middle-aged man who resigns himself to fate and takes a meager salary.
However, in the eyes of everyone, Zhang Zijing was never worthy of pity, because all the roads were his own fault.
If in the past, Zhang Ailing had some slight pity for her brother Zhang Zijing, then later this pity became contempt, and that contempt was deeply hidden in her bones.
Even if he plucked up the courage to mail a letter of help, she was dismissive and only coldly replied with a few polite words: "I feel ashamed that I can't help you." ”
On the contrary, in contrast, the life of her sister Zhang Ailing, she moved forward proudly, making a name for herself with her own works in the first half of her life, and bravely pursuing her love in the second half of her life, even if the road ahead was bumpy, she had no regrets in her life.
The mirror life of the sisters and brothers can't help but make people sigh, many people think that Zhang Ailing is desperate, but few people see Zhang Zijing's unmotivated.
Zhang Zijing's life is a tragedy, and the director of this tragedy is also himself.
Zhang Zijing in his later years, guarding the dim light, he did not dare to close the door, hoping that when the crowds of people in and out passed by here, they could probe a little and take a look.
In 1997, Zhang Zijing died, and someone wrote this article for Zhang Ailing when he was looking for clues before his death:
"I heard that he was at the dinner table where others were entertained, drank some wine, said 'a little uncomfortable', went back to sleep and did not wake up, there was no pain. Like my sister, I walked calmly. ”
In this life, he has seen all the coldness of the world, and may he be gentle with this world in the next life.
Reference Articles:
Yan Hong: "You are loved for your soul"
Green plum boiled wine bamboo forest listening to the rain: "Zhang Ailing's Childhood Life"
Cui Lili's Five Views: "Zhang Zijing, who lives under the light of Zhang Ailing: Father does not hurt, mother does not love, sister does not kiss, aunt does not pity"
Author: Bean Kitten
Editor-in-charge: Mu Yang