Reader's letter: Hello Teacher Kaizi, I am 26 years old, my husband is 27 years old, married for 3 years, and now pregnant.
We are now having problems in our lives, my own mother, 57 years old, is bent on living with us, thinking that not living with her is not filial piety to her, do not understand her.
But living together, can not avoid contradictions, please ask the teacher to come up with ideas on how to solve this problem?
Kai Zi replied: Hello girl, in our Filial Piety Society in China, the relationship with our parents is often a problem that many of us have to face when we become adults.
Your mother feels that if you don't live with me, you are not filial piety, which makes you feel very uncomfortable, and why do you feel uncomfortable, because this is the idea she imposed on you, it is beneficial to her, not to your behavior.
The pressure on our children in this society is often: most people will tell you that your entire growth process is the contribution of your parents to you, how can you not take care of your parents?
This is called parenting grace, so that when we are in the role of children, we have no choice and must unconditionally accept the altruistic behavior required by our parents.
This is like Chinese generally have the concept of "raising children and preventing the elderly", and the purpose of many people having children is for the elderly to be taken care of and managed, so as not to become lonely and widowed.
I remember when the second child was just released, I often saw someone say: It is good to have two children, in case of old age and hospitalization, one child is too busy.
With such thoughts, it has to be said that they have a clear purpose for raising children, and the love that such parents give to their children is never the kind of pure, selfless, unrequited love, but a love full of selfish desires, demands, and purposes.
But in fact, once each of us is born into this world, we become an independent individual, not that we are not responsible for our parents, but that we cannot contract the rest of our parents' lives.
And more importantly, if parents and children want to maintain a good relationship, the only bond is "love", parents love their children enough, children feel the same love after they are willing to give back the same love, the love between parents and children always maintains a state of flow, the relationship can be stable enough.
Anyone who tries to use certain ideas and ideas from the outside world to pressure and bring them to their knees is not love, this is moral kidnapping, and emotional blackmail.
For affection that does not flow and makes you feel depressed, you certainly have the right to refuse.
I think that my answer today may be a lot of people feel rebellious, many people will feel that no matter what my parents do to me, I must be unconditionally good to them, but with today's message, I also want to ask you a few questions:
1. How do you get along with your parents?
2. Whether your parents respect your choices and lifestyle enough:
3. Have your parents ever hurt you?
4. Are you willing to live with your parents?
5) If you are living with your parents right now, do you feel happy?
I believe that in our lives, there are not many people who really get along with our parents, have no contradictions, and get enough support from an early age.
But even if we are not treated well, we still have to convince ourselves that we are loved.
And there is a kind of parents from an early age to instill in their children the idea that you want to repay the favor when you grow up, they hope that the child will complete the unfinished dream instead of themselves, they constantly tell the child their sacrifice and pay, and ask the child to obey and obey as the mission of growth.
In my counseling, I often encounter a situation in which some counselors reflect that the more serious the problem in adulthood, the higher his score in the column of relationship with parents will be. (If you have problems with your intimate relationship now, you may as well give yourself a score for your parent-child relationship with your parents, 1 to 10 points, how many points do you score?) ）
But after one consultation after another, I will slowly find that in fact, his relationship with his parents is very bad, and that high score is just a kind of love that he thinks his parents hurt him, satirizes him, and scolds him.
He didn't dare to face the fact that he was ignored, so he had a voice in his heart that kept saying to himself, "I am loved." ”
Here's a case:
I have a counselor who has a bad relationship with her husband, she is always suffering from gains and losses in marriage, and she can't trust her husband. She told me that her parents loved her very much since she was a child, and gave her a lot of attention, and after a month of consultation, I slowly learned that she had a strong dissatisfaction with her parents in her heart.
Her father used to be a truck driver and often had to run outside and couldn't get home. Her mother liked to play cards, and when she rose to prominence, she didn't cook, and she was often hungry. When she was a child, she studied hard and got good grades, but her mother hardly praised her, she was in the top five in the class for many years, but as long as she had a bad exam, she would be scolded by her mother.
Every time dad comes home she is very happy, feel the same as the festival, she and dad said that mom does not cook, always scold themselves, dad will tell her mom to take her is not easy, ask her to understand mom more, and will also tell her next time to try to take the first place, mom will be happy.
So her understanding of love becomes:
1) My dad always couldn't go home because he had to earn money to support his family and let me go to school.
2, my father every time he comes home to buy me good food, although he only returns home once a month, I still feel so happy.
3, my mother does not cook for me to eat, because she herself is not in a good mood, not that she does not love me, my father is not in her very lonely, so she needs to make herself happy by playing cards.
4, I did not do well in the exam, my mother will scold me because she wants me to become a better person, she just loves me will be so strict with me.
After the consultation, she slowly realized that her current state in marriage was exactly the same as when she was a child.
When she was a child, her father and her agreed to go home often delayed, she always waited for her father, so she would grow up afraid that her husband would break the appointment, so she did not dare to trust him.
As soon as her grades fell when she was a child, her mother would criticize her, and when she grew up, her husband would have any emotions and say anything, she would feel that her husband would also start to criticize her, and she would begin to defend and even attack.
You see, each of our behavior patterns are related to past feelings, so we must pay attention to the relationship with our parents, we can face it, we can untie the knot in the heart, if we choose to escape, hide the past pain in the psychology, then this pain will become a weapon against ourselves, our partner or others.
Just like last month's Wu Xie Yu mother murder trial, I watched his trial video, he stressed that his mother loves his father very much, this is a kind of fantasy about family affection, he fantasizes that his parents have good feelings.
But in fact, if his parents really had healthy and intimate feelings and could give him unconditional love, it would be impossible to shape his extreme character.
So we all need to realize that if we force ourselves to obey our parents' arrangements and create filial piety for ourselves, this is not real love, but you are suppressing yourself.
As I said earlier, a good relationship is that love can flow, and repression means that your love is static, and even if there is no love in the relationship between you and your parents.
So what can you do if your parents must ask to live with yourself?
1. When economic conditions permit, you can take a compromise way to buy or rent a house for your parents near your home, which can show your concern for your parents and will not have too much impact on your own life.
2, with the parents of the law of the three chapters, you can come to live with me, but you must respect our living habits, this is my home, can not live according to your standards.
Parents can keep it if they can do it, and send them back if they can't do it.
Don't feel like it hurts your parents by doing so, because if they're unhappy living with you, if you don't send it back then it hurts you and your partner.
As long as it is a bad feeling, some people will inevitably be hurt, we must rationally judge our own feelings, do not ask ourselves to swallow because of a "filial piety" word.
It is even more impossible to affect the harmony of the relationship between husband and wife because of their so-called "filial piety".
A person whose small family is not well managed, he is also not capable of running "everyone".
3) Agree with your parents that you will come back to visit them regularly and let them know that you don't accept living together not because you don't want to be nice to them, but just because you want your own life.
Although these three points are not difficult to say, I am afraid that it will still be difficult to implement, and parents may still blame you for rejection.
At this time, you should be more rational, you can see clearly, your parents do not love you so much, they want you to think about him, but they are not willing to consider your feelings, so what is the point of your compromise?