In life, there are some divorced couples who, in order to fight for the custody of their children or vent their hatred for each other, do not hesitate to denigrate each other, no longer love each other but still "kill each other", but what is ignored is that their children will also be forced to get involved.
Jiang Sida, a strange player, recounted in an interview about a place of chicken feathers after his parents' divorce:
"At home my mom scolded my dad, and when I went out with my dad, my dad scolded my mom."
"You don't know which one is true and which one is bloody, and I don't know what I should believe."
I once saw a netizen ask for help on the Internet: his parents divorced, he was sentenced to his father, when he was at home, his grandmother and aunt kept saying bad things about his mother, and when he was at his mother's house, he would hear bad things about his father from his mother. He didn't know what he was supposed to do.
Netizens supported the following moves, and one of them analyzed:
"They throw all their disappointments in marriage at you, like two hands pulling you in different directions... They will only divide you, and only your own independent personality can fight these. ”
Fortunately, both helpers and netizens clearly realize that in this case, they should maintain their own independent thinking, but there are also some children who will stay away from their denigrated parents and can no longer establish intimate relationships with them.
Today, let's take a look at Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="16" >1What is "parental alienation"? </h1>
Parental alienation syndrome, or PAS for short, was first proposed by psychoanalyst Richard Gardner in the early 1980s. He observed this phenomenon in high divorce conflicts:
A vengeful parent, with hatred for the other, forcibly instills in his or her child ruthless accusations and belittling the other, the former being an alienated "alienating parent" and the latter being an alienated "targeted parent," and the child becoming a weapon in this "war."
When a child refuses to establish contact with the other parent because of the "manipulation" of one parent, "parental alienation" occurs.
Specifically, it is manifested as the following 8 characteristics:
1. Insult and hatred of the target parent
2. Rationalization of the absurdity of self-deprecation
3. Lack of ambivalence
4. The phenomenon of "independent thinkers" (who believe that abandoning their parents is their own proposition)
5. Reflexively support the alienation of the parent in the midst of parental conflict
6. Lack of guilt
7. Repeat in life, imitating the tone and opinion of alienated parents
8. Spread hostility towards the target parents to other family members
The severity of this symptom has a continuity from mild to severe, and the process fluctuates with the degree of parental divisive behavior.
Although this is a controversial concept, PAS is not included in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). But many psychologists have found that the phenomenon is very helpful in understanding certain family relationships.
Intimidation, threats, and sometimes subtle ways in which one parent mercilessly inflicts unfair criticism on the other. In this way, the "alienated parents" who engage in divisive behavior cultivate an emotional atmosphere.
In this atmosphere, the child feels compelled to support the alienated parent's derogatory treatment of the other. This reflects the distorted and hateful perceptions of the former spouse by aggrieved parents.
The reason why the alienated person can affect the child so strongly is that the child's interpersonal relationships are not yet stable and are very susceptible to influence.
When Mia Farrow accuses Woody Allen of sexually assaulting her adopted daughter, Woody Allen instead complains that the children in the incident were brainwashed by Mia Farrow, a statement similar to Gardner's concept of alienation.
Gardner describes some of the common personality traits shared by alienated parents (whom he sometimes calls "programmers").
These qualities include a certain sense of exaggeration, or a certain exaggerated, unrealistic importance and a sense of self-superiority. The exaggerated nature is often accompanied by a sense of privilege that suggests that the person may have some degree of narcissistic personality disorder.
Consistent with exaggerated self-image, the indoctrinator thinks he is on top, while the alienated target parent is perceived as flawed, unattended, and neglected.
An examination of the phenomenon of alienation reveals that it can be broken down into several psychological behaviors in interpersonal relationships, namely the mental processes that occur between two people: splitting and projection.
Alienated parents use the psychological mechanism of division to demonize alienated parents.
Schism is a psychological mechanism formed in early childhood, and individuals who use it portray another person as all good or totally bad, idealized or completely degrading, God or demon.
This psychological mechanism is used when one is unable to integrate contradictory emotions, or is overwhelmed by them. He will abandon integration and build a dichotomy between two opposing things: good/bad, love/hate.
The bad side of the poles is projected onto the alienated spouse, making them the carriers of these divided emotions rather than being seen as more complex and nuanced real individuals.
Transferring intractable emotions to another person is a psychological process that is mostly driven by extreme anger, and underneath anger is often a huge sadness that cannot be comforted.
Gardner argues that the parents who made the divisiveness are filled with anger and vent this pain to the scapegoat parents in a vengeful posture. This will become a constant battle, they will continue to belittle, humiliate, and suppress the alienated parents. The ultimate goal of alienating parents is to destroy trust and love between the child and the former spouse.
Gardner describes the dynamic process of small groups formed in the ternary relationship between parents and children.
In large-scale group clashes such as wars, especially in the event of "ethnic cleansing", such brutal acts of revenge can also be staged on a large scale.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="145" >2 Effects of parental alienation on children</h1>
Alienating parents not only lack empathy for their spouses, but more importantly, they are also unable to take care of their children's emotional needs. The belittling of the former spouse is instilled in the hearts of the children, who become victims.
Alienating parents can even unconsciously derive satisfaction from the suffering of the ex-spouse and elevate one's sense of superiority by belittling the ex-spouse.
Paradoxically, alienating parents, while lacking empathy, can lead to excessive identification with their children. In other words, alienated parents impose their own inner dependence on their children through close identification.
For example, such a parent might share a private email with their child or tell a child that the former spouse "broke up the family and left us."
They completely shift the blame for the divorce to their ex-spouses without realizing their problems.
Alienating parents may also be too proud of their children's achievements, as if they belong to themselves, thus greatly improving their self-image.
Through a symbiotic relationship with the child, the alienated person tries to align their children with the feelings of the parents, convincing the children that they must beware of the alienated parents to avoid harm.
In other words, alienating parents overprotects the child, leaving the child feeling insecure to be with the other parent. Normal childhood accidents, such as abrasions, small wounds, and bruises, are exaggerated to be attributed to neglect by alienated parents or lack of love.
This sends a signal that it is dangerous for a child to be with an alienated parent and that a child can only be safe under the nurturing of an alienated parent.
In many cases, estranged parents may actually be very good, loving guardians. Their belittling is unjust, and their benevolent side is distorted into neglect and indifference.
Finally, alienating parents, or all those who try to instill in their children belittling the other parent, use psychological mechanisms of denial.
Alienating parents refuses to acknowledge how much harm such a move would do to the child.
But virtually every child internalizes the image of both parents. So for the child, hatred and distrust of the other parent is also a dislike and denial of part of the self.
Gardner notes that children who have been in this situation for a long time will realize that when they share their pleasant interactions with the alienated parents, the alienated parents will express their opposition and dissatisfaction.
As a result, children are unable to communicate their feelings freely with their resentful parents, and they are forced to choose between two caregivers.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="146" >3 How to deal with parental alienation</h1>
When one parent attempts to alienate the other, the main solution is for the child to spend more time with the alienated parent. Many divorce bills involving alienation are resolved by restoring custody of the alienated parents.
Gardner's concept is still controversial in the mental health community, however, many parents, as well as mental health professionals, have been emphasizing the existence of the psychological phenomenon of parental alienation. Psychologist Janet Robertson, for example, has proposed effective strategies for dealing with this "mental manipulation."
First, parents try to work with their ex-spouses to solve problems in response to the common goal of parenting.
Think it's impossible?
In response to this situation, Robertson also gave advice, that is, to seek support from other parents in similar situations.
In addition, it is recommended that alienated parents encourage their children to communicate directly with themselves, rather than indirectly conveying situations through their former spouses, who distort information and interactions.
No matter how much confusion and hostility your child expresses, insist on engaging with your child in a loving way.
Usually, as children grow up and become independent from the family, they develop healthy and independent emotions that allow them to see more realistically what each parent is.
Author | Xiaoxue(160)
Proofreading | A cup of coffee in English psychological compilation group Anning
Edit | A cup of coffee All Media Editorial Board Editor Pleasant
Contact | A cup of coffee All Media Editorial Office Mailbox [email protected]