▲图片来源:Xuan Loc Xuan
Guide
If our life is a movie, all kinds of things we experience in our lives are the material for the movie.
Just as a director collects a lot of shots and materials and then cuts them together in a certain way, we also have our own narrative thread and logic, we will edit out what we don't think is important, and understand, organize and process these materials according to our own framework.
What framework to use, what strategy to use to survive, how to renew and new ways of interacting with the world, etc., these are our destiny.
Know yourself so that change is possible.
——cinian——
Li Songwei
Psychological counselor
Ph.D. in Psychology, Peking University
01
In an uncertain environment,
We need to re-understand ourselves
▲图片来源:Xuan Loc Xuan
Mao's poems: It is very important to know yourself, what dimensions can we know ourselves from?
Li Songwei: I divide "self-knowledge" into two parts, and many schools of thought use this similar structure.
Part of it is called "experience", for example, a director needs to have a lot of material to make a film, and these materials are all kinds of things that we experience in life.
Everyone has their own material and experience, and if a person was born in the war years, then there must be a lot of displacement and life and death in his experience, which is the material that he has no way to escape from growing up in the process of growing up.
On the other hand, if a person lives in an environment where food and clothing are not worried, then there is a lot of rich, nurture and care for part of his experience.
We don't know ourselves enough just because we have the footage, just like the director will collect a lot of footage and footage, and somehow edit it into a meaningful story.
We will also have our own narrative thread and logic, we will edit out what we don't think is important, and we will understand, organize and process these materials according to our own framework.
For example, in the story of half a glass of water, some people will say that it is half empty, and there is only a little left, and some people will say that I am lucky, and there is still half a glass left, which represents a different way of processing our experience.
Two people who have also been raised well in the same upbringing environment, one may think that this is what he deserves, and his parents will love him unconditionally no matter what, while the other person may think that this is the reward for him to be a good child and fulfill the expectations of his parents for him.
Therefore, two people who interpret the same experience with completely different frameworks will form completely different cognitions, and then form different strategies on how to live and deal with various problems.
Knowing myself was not so important in the past when our lives were relatively stable, because we didn't have to know ourselves to live well.
For example, in an agrarian society, there are fixed rules every year, planting in spring and harvesting in autumn, what season should be sown, how to take care of the crops, and what harvest will be obtained in the end. Once things are settled, we don't need to think about what kind of person we are, we just need to do it step by step.
But if the world changes, and what we used to take for granted is no longer the way it should be, it means that some of our past strategies are failing. That's when it's important to know yourself.
Because we have to reflect on our own experience, think about what needs to be retained, what needs to be changed, and adapt to the framework of the new change.
We first form some fixed ways of processing the world, and as the world changes and new experiences pour in, we have to upgrade our own way of processing the world, which requires us to focus part of our attention on thinking and integrating our own experiences and frameworks.
Mao Shi: Some people are very curious about themselves and naturally want to understand themselves, but most people may be confused after something happened, and then they think why do I think like this?
Li Songwei: These are two different situations. One is that in times of peace, when people are relatively affluent, people's physiological, sense of security and emotional needs have been almost solved, and there will be a higher level of demand called "self-awareness", which is intuitively "rich idlers", they are full of curiosity about themselves, and want to figure themselves out a little clearly, which is a process of inner exploration and discovery.
On the other hand, it is more common for people to study themselves as a subject in a comfortable state, but after hitting a wall, they are confused and frustrated, and find that the framework system that they have adapted to in the past has been broken today, so they have to re-understand themselves.
In addition to external conflicts such as culture, background, and occupation, the times themselves require us to constantly subvert ourselves. For example, with the exception of traditional jobs, which are particularly stable, almost all of them are facing a crisis – "How long can I be able to do my job?" Is it possible that it will be replaced by AI in 5 or 10 years? Will its basic production logic or form of production change a lot?"
There may be a lot of skills or specialties that we used to live on or are proud of, but in the future they will become less important in the industry, and we need to develop something new.
Therefore, many people today are not doing nothing to know themselves, but they are very panicked and painful, and they must return to themselves to find a new model of interacting with the world, instead of repeating their past selves.
02
Know yourself,
Change is possible
▲图片来源:Xuan Loc Xuan
Mao Psalm: If I don't like my framework, for example, I'm always too pessimistic, and this framework makes me unhappy, can I change the framework when I realize it?
Li Songwei: When everyone understands the world, they will have some preferences, some people will look at the optimistic part, some people will magnify the pessimistic part, some people tend to look at the problem from a long-term perspective, some people tend to look at the problem from a very short period of time, some people want things to be very consistent with the plan, and some people prefer to be imaginative......
Once we have a sense of how we look at things from different angles, we can help us adjust when making decisions, because we know our preferences or perspectives, and how we will see and understand the world.
The next step after awareness is called "strategy," which is how I act. In the same way, when given half a glass of water, some people will save a small sip, some people will immediately go to find a water source, and some people will ask for help to see who has more water......
In times of change, when our habitual strategy exceeds expectations, it means that we have to change our strategy.
For example, a person is very good at doing problems when he is a student, and he is good at getting good grades through his own efforts, but he may not be good at asking for help and cooperating in the workplace, because he only needs to use his brain to practice when he does problems, and he can complete them alone.
When he can't use his previous strategy at work, he may not realize that he has to learn to cooperate with others, so he panics, he thinks that entering an environment that he is completely out of control of, this job is too challenging, and he is not suitable for it and cannot do it well, which is "out of control".
So, a loss of control doesn't necessarily mean that the environment is really bad, but that it's outside of our control in the past. When we get out of control, we have to face new possibilities that can make us doubt ourselves that what we're doing is not necessarily the right thing to do.
For example, someone who used to be very good at doing problems wants to show weakness and ask for help from others, and tell others that I can't do this thing, can you help or teach me. Before he did this action, he might think that he had done something wrong, that he was too depraved, how could he be cheeky enough to ask for help.
This is the biggest hurdle when many people face change: they don't see their own framework, they don't see the conflict between themselves and the real world, but continue to use the past cognition and judge that they have something wrong.
Self-awareness helps us to become more aware and clear, and then we may have more purpose and methods to try new actions, although we can't guarantee that the new actions will be right, but after trying, we can find out whether it is suitable or not.
We can take the first step and try to do something different, maybe it seems wrong in the original framework, and if you do, you will find that it is just because our previous framework is too narrow, and we will renew our knowledge and understanding of ourselves.
Mao Shi: So I have to understand my own framework first, so that when I encounter new challenges, it is possible to think about whether I need to change my framework, change my behavior or experience, so that I can know which direction I am working from?
Li Songwei: 5% change, 95% unchanged. The unchanging part is the stable thing, and the reason why I am who I am is is the cornerstone of my life.
A lot of people think that psychology is a discipline that can help you become better, but I don't think so. Psychology is first of all to help me understand my own invariance, to understand that I am my discipline, and on the basis of understanding, change is possible.
There is such a real case:
Parents have high expectations for a child who studied hard when he was a child, but still failed to meet his parents' expectations, and was scolded or even beaten by his parents. After a while, the child lies flat and no longer wants to study.
Even if the child grows up and becomes an adult, he may bring it up and talk about it. He would say, "You see, it's all because my parents didn't treat me well when I was a child, so now I don't have confidence in my work, I don't have the confidence to do what I have to do, and I can't put in the effort consistently." ”
In this way, I actually didn't really understand myself, but just found a reason for myself, saying that all this was beaten by my parents.
We can't just say that we have been treated badly, and there is a second half of the story called "In the midst of that adversity, I did something to find my way to survive".
I asked him, and he said, "I look like I'm lying flat and don't want to study, but I'm actually lowering my parents' expectations of me in this way." In the past, when I was involved in doing things, a lot of their expectations turned into disappointments, but now that I don't do it, they give up hope completely. They may have a lot of opinions about me, but for me it is a mechanism for self-preservation. ”
I said to him, "But now that you're an adult, you've entered the workplace, and you're intentionally or unintentionally lowering the expectations of the people around you, and you're signaling that you're a flat person, is that reasonable in today's workplace?"
A lot of resources are allocated today, and you will not be safe because I have low expectations for you, but if I have low expectations for you, you will be more likely to be laid off, let alone get resources, and you will not be able to get the challenges and opportunities I give you to grow.
So today you have to learn a new experience called 'I have to learn to have high expectations of the other person when I have to do so.'" This requires you to learn to be comfortable in this matter, in addition to appreciating the survival strategies you once had, and also allow yourself to develop some different strategies, which is the 5% of change. ”
Mao's poems: The more flexible we are, the more angles or methods we have to deal with events, the more comfortable we are in life.
03
Two thought experiments to know yourself
▲图片来源:Xuan Loc Xuan
Mao Shi: I did a test on attribution methods in an offline psychology salon before, and once I became aware of my framework, I was able to understand many of my own behaviors in real life.
Li Songwei: Attribution is actually a personal perspective, and there is no good or bad way to do it.
Some people think that the outside world is not safe, so they do not hold out hope, do not hand over the control point to the outside world, but try to control themselves as much as possible. For example, I don't keep my money in the bank, but I exchange it for gold bars and keep it at home, so my life will be more stable in turbulent times.
Some people think that the outside world is safe, and they may take out loans and invest in great things, but this deviation or wrong estimation will bring him some losses.
Therefore, there is no absolute good or bad, it depends on whether it fits with the general environment or the era of life.
Mao Shi: If we don't learn the psychology course of knowing ourselves, what angles can we understand ourselves?
Li Songwei: There are two thought experiments.
The first thought experiment: what kind of person I am.
You can invite someone who knows you well and ask him to share his opinion of you, maybe some conjecture or intuition, and you must make sure that you don't talk and interject during the whole process.
Don't think your answer is right, listen carefully to the other person and see how he understands you.
It's a very fun game, but only if you don't think he's wrong, but tell him what's right, because it doesn't matter if it's right or wrong to know yourself.
It's amazing that others don't know you the same, and you can often make new discoveries about yourself through this misalignment.
Second Thought Experiment: Imagine if your life was a movie up to now, what kind of movie would it be? a family ethics film, an adventure film, a cool drama suspense film, a love tragedy film, or what? If you were to give this movie a name, what would you name it?
The question is your emotional generalization of your past life or the way you have told your life in the past.
Next I have to ask a very abstract question: the film has not been made until now, and the second half is unknown, but the name and style of the film have already been decided.
Now you, as a director, have unlimited rights to design a completely different ending for the film, so that the second half of the story has a completely different direction, for example, it was originally a tragic film, but now you want to add a comedic ending to it, what kind of ending will it be?
It's also a way we look at ourselves.
If some people are not interested in movies, you can also use novels, music and other familiar carriers, which are essentially the same.
Mao Shi: Would Mr. Li often do such experiments himself?
Li Songwei: I myself often do thought experiments, for example, when I find that I have a certain shortcoming, in addition to promoting my strengths and avoiding weaknesses, I will ask myself, in what scenarios or situations is it likely to become an advantage?
04
Know yourself
It's a phased process
▲图片来源:Xuan Loc Xuan
Mao Psalms: How do I know if I'm being myself, or if I'm unconsciously meeting the expectations of others?
Li Songwei: I now think more and more that there is no one true self because we are different at different stages.
For example, when we are young, we may have a great desire to please others, and at the beginning of an intimate relationship, we will surrender ourselves, it doesn't matter what I like to eat, I will eat with him if he likes to eat, and then we are also ourselves.
After a while, I began to resist: why do I have to take care of you every time, I also have my own preferences, I want to live my life on my own terms, I keep having new ideas of my own, it doesn't mean that what I did before me is wrong.
We've gained enough security in the previous part of the relationship, and it gives us new possibilities to think about what we want to do, so in another stage, we will be a lot of ourselves, even against each other.
This is especially common with teenagers, who may not be able to do anything you ask me to do for four or five years. For example, when I am so sleepy that I want to sleep, then my parents come and say why you haven't slept yet, and I will say that I am not sleepy.
After a few years, I may not understand why I was like that, I just went home for so much time every year, why can't I make my family happy?
Therefore, knowing ourselves is a phased process, we need to know what is important during this period of time, tell ourselves that I can be such a self, and at the same time imagine that I can be a different version of myself in the future.
Mao Shi: Some people want to change after reading your "5% Change", but they will always change their perspective and deny themselves, how can this phenomenon change?
Li Songwei: Thank you for giving me very different feedback. I have a lot of dialogue in this book, some readers will write to me, and after I give them advice they will try it and will give me feedback.
I've received a lot of different reviews, and sometimes just by looking at their comments, you can see the personality of the reviewer or the difference in what he values.
Some readers will comment that the person who wrote the letter is so verbose, they write no matter how big or small, and Mr. Li has no space to express more of his thoughts, just look at the thoughts of these people, I think this book is not worth it; some readers say that I think Mr. Li is verbose, I want to see more real life experience, but Mr. Li keeps talking about theories and methods.
If a person wants to change himself, he needs to go to school or go to class to study, and think about what I have that others don't have.
For example, he is very good at self-denial, and being good at self-denial may also become his strength, but he needs to use his brain to think about the circumstances under which self-denial or finding his own shortcomings may become a great skill.
epilogue
The more we see, the less we will be bound by some pretentious conclusions.
People are changeable, regular, we are subject to a lot of limitations, and we are also influenced by others, but it does not prevent us from being ourselves.
So, how do we see ourselves and know ourselves?
"2024 "Know Thyself" Offline Course
Seeing yourself, life is restarted
Knowing yourself is a journey of discovery about personal growth and inner change.
❍ Explore your cognitive style and emotional model to identify the "filters" through which you see the world
❍ Use behavioral function analysis to see the problem, so that change happens unconsciously
❍ Re-examine the different roles in relationships and take back the initiative
❍ Help you solve the puzzles of life and achieve high-level transformation
It's about whether you're happy, it's about your relationships with the people closest to you, and it's about the quality and state of your life. If you are confused about life and want to improve your quality of life, then come with us to "know yourself".
Confusion and confusion in self-relationship, Teacher Li Songwei will give you the answer. From May 18th to 19th, Teacher Li Songwei personally taught "Examine Your Story".
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