Recently, a wife's eulogy to her late scholar husband went viral.
Xiaohong Xu, an assistant professor in the Department of Sociology at the University of Michigan, a gifted scholar, died of cancer last December.
His wife, Chen Lang, who graduated from Yale University with a Ph.D., wrote this passage in her memorial to her husband:
I once told my psychiatrist how you can be happy when you marry someone who is in love.
You want the same thing, but you have to have someone to take care of the kids, file taxes, manage your finances, and cook the meal.
So it's a zero-sum game. The more successful he is, the more painful you are. ”
In her eulogy, Chen Lang confessed that she would be "jealous" of her husband's career and would not be able to appreciate his ideas and achievements purely.
In intimate relationships, complications like this occasionally arise:
Even if you love your partner very much, when you see that the other person is good, you can't be purely happy for TA, and even hope that the other person is not too good.
Why is this destructive psychology occurring?
Is there anything special about "jealousy" in intimate relationships?
When it appears, is it reminding us of something?
Today, let's talk about "jealousy" in intimate relationships.
01 "Jealousy" is a defense
In psychology, jealousy is seen as a defense mechanism.
When we find that we are inferior to others, we are prone to feelings of shame and experience emotions such as anger, frustration, fear, and being threatened.
In response to these negative feelings, "jealousy" is created.
In relationships, "jealousy" changes with social distancing.
For example, compared with netizens and bosses, we are more likely to be jealous of friends and colleagues.
From the perspective of social networks, people will assume that they share the same social resources as those around them.
When the people around you achieve something, they think:
"Obviously, everyone is the same, why can Ta be successful? ”
They are more inclined to attribute it to their own incompetence and evolve into a kind of self-attack.
Then, people instinctively defend themselves against the attack, creating a "sense of deprivation":
It is believed that the other party has "occupied" its own resources, so as to maintain its damaged self-worth.
This is where "jealousy" comes from.
In general, destructive "jealousy" rarely occurs between partners.
On the one hand, the reason why we choose someone as a partner is itself an indication that there is something we appreciate about the other person, so it is not easy to be "stabbed" by the other person's excellence.
On the other hand, a "community" is automatically formed between partners.
The existence of "community" means that both parties to the relationship have a strong "sense of connection", and they affirm that they can share all the resources, honors, and so on in the relationship.
When a partner achieves achievement, he or she realizes that "the family has more resources", not "the deprivation of their own resources".
In addition, part of an individual's self-worth will come from the projection of his partner.
Therefore, when a partner is successful, it strengthens our sense of self-worth, which is "to be honored".
02 "Jealousy" of a partner is a sign of an imbalance in the relationship
In healthy intimate relationships, even the occasional "jealousy" can easily be dissolved by a sense of acknowledgment of "community."
But long-term, or destructive, "jealousy" may be a sign that the relationship is in a state of imbalance.
This imbalance may suggest 3 risks:
1. The "sense of connection" is weakened
When both partners have a reduced sense of "community", it is more difficult to be happy with their partner's accomplishments.
For example, the husband and wife Lao Ji and Wang Shiqing in "Goodbye Lover 3".
In the early days of their acquaintance, Lao Ji was Wang Shiqing's predecessor, and gave Wang Shiqing a lot of guidance and care in her profession and life.
Lao Ji helped her with career planning, guided her professional skills, and even personally matched her with outfits.
At this stage, Lao Ji enjoys Wang Shiqing's admiration and admiration for him, and is willing to give his own resources to achieve the other party.
But as Wang Shiqing's career improved, there was a rift in their relationship.
Wang Shiqing's admiration for her husband receded, and she began to have her own career plan, and no longer or rarely listened to Lao Ji's career advice.
Instead of adapting to the normal flow of power in this relationship, Lao Ji interpreted these as "no love".
To put it simply, "the other party is at risk of leaving them" and the sense of "community" is reduced.
This insecurity eventually breeds "jealousy" and affects the relationship.
2. "Companion value" is not recognized
If one party does not recognize the value of the other, it is also easy to become "jealous".
My friends Qingqing and Xiaohang are a husband and wife.
During the relationship between the two, Qingqing's income was higher, but Xiaohang liked to belittle Qingqing's work.
For example, her work has a narrow upside and strong substitutability.
This kind of debasement and repression often occurs in intimate relationships where "women are strong and men are weak".
An article published in Psychology Today argues that a man's self-worth is weakened by his wife's economic autonomy as a result of gender stereotypes.
So, they will assert their self-worth by being jealous of their partner.
After marriage, in order to have better parenting, Qingqing chose to resign and become a full-time wife at home, and Xiaohang's career also improved.
This stage is the most stable and harmonious period of their relationship.
But as Xiaohang's career gets better and better, the relationship between the two is once again tested.
Xiaohang began to feel that he was working harder and harder outside, and Qingqing was just taking care of the children and doing housework at home, which was too easy.
Studies have found that being too jealous of a partner may inhibit a person's motivation to succeed.
Unable to tolerate their partners enjoying the fruits of their work at home, they prefer not to be rewarded.
In fact, this is essentially that Xiaohang does not recognize Qingqing's identity as a "full-time wife" enough, and he can't see the other party's contribution in this relationship.
This "sense of imbalance" triggers jealousy.
3. The "ideal self" is threatened
Sociologist Herbst found that the attractiveness of others to us is influenced by the similarity between the image of others and our ideal selves.
Specifically, the closer a person gets to our ideal self, the more we like Ta;
But when a person far exceeds our ideal self, our favorability of Ta begins to decline.
This is the case with Chen Lang's example at the beginning. After she and her husband started a family, she chose to follow in her husband's academic footsteps and gave up her tenured teaching position.
This was indeed a concession she made herself, but in her eulogy she also described:
How much I used to love philosophy and theory......
I remembered when my child was at home with a COVID shutdown and I was exhausted at home, and he scolded Fang Zhao online.
What does the state, the revolution, and modernity have to do with me?
When he talked to his friends about feminism, I sneered in my heart.
When her husband "unintentionally" shows how successful he is in front of Chen Lang, she experiences intense jealousy, because it reminds her:
"I could have achieved this if I didn't have to take on childcare work. ”
Especially when the husband's research field is close to his own, this sense of disparity will be even stronger.
Therefore, even if you choose a role, you will inevitably have a "sense of sacrifice" and "deprivation".
03 It is the responsibility of both parties to deal with "jealousy".
It must be admitted that in intimate relationships, appropriate jealousy "comparison" has a certain positive effect.
Researchers have found that a moderate amount of jealousy in a relationship is conducive to maintaining the passion in the relationship, so that the relationship does not become prematurely dull.
Therefore, first of all, you should allow yourself to have "jealousy", which is a very normal emotional reaction.
But at the same time, it's important to realize that intimacy isn't a zero-sum game.
Your partner's success doesn't mean you've failed.
Being overly jealous of your partner is equivalent to seeing your partner as a "life or death" competitor, which is destructive and beneficial to the relationship.
On the contrary, "jealousy" is a reminder that you need to be aware of the risks that the relationship is facing.
Therefore, when you have these negative emotions, you can be honest with the other person about your true feelings, and try to tell the other person how you want them to cooperate:
"I'm glad you've accomplished;
But I do have a disappointment in myself;
I hope you can take some of the chores off the shoulders for me so that I can spend more time on my work. (Request)"
The most important thing is whether our partner is able to accept and understand our "jealousy".
Sometimes, even if concessions don't happen right away, this "being seen" is crucial to one's self-worth.
In the end, in fact, the most stable source of value is to have a job of your own.
If you don't have time to do a full-time job, you can also find a side hustle.
The point of a side hustle is not to surpass your partner in terms of income, but to give you a confidence:
Even without the relationship, I have enough power to support myself.
This sense of value cannot be given or taken away by anyone else.
Here, I also recommend a side hustle that is not limited to time and place, and you can take orders and make money with just your mobile phone - psychological listener.
Not only can it provide you with a steady side income, but it will also help you listen, self-guide, and regulate yourself, get self-healing, and live a happier life.
What's more, when you have more energy, the learning results of the listening therapist can help you develop in the direction of a professional counselor and transform it into a hard skill.
As long as you have a college degree or above and are interested in psychology, you can try this course to enhance your resilience to risks.
Write at the end
After Chen Lang's eulogy became popular, there was a very common voice:
The choice for her is not worth it.
This actually reflects the reason why many women resist entering marriage/relationships and refuse to have children -
Fear that marriage will eventually turn into a deprivation of self and life force.
Because of the husband and wife variety show, He Youjun and Xi Mengyao, who have a good reputation, actually show us a more typical and idealized modern marriage script:
Even when there is a clear power gap between the two sides, they still respect and love each other.
In such a relationship, the contribution to the family will not be strengthened into "sacrifice and concession", nor will it be weakened into "deserved".
For eternal love is mutual fulfillment.