Recently, I saw the topic #The group of people who were suppressed in education when I was a child became parents#, and I clicked in with curiosity.
Unexpectedly, after reading the short stories, tears also flowed silently.
A girl did not do well in the midterm exam, and when she returned home, her mother did not blame, but took out her daughter's favorite dessert to give encouragement.
A little boy was the second-to-last in this exam.
His father said, "Last time, I was the last one, and this time I have improved! Next time, I will go to the next place, okay? Come on!"
As a result, three years have passed, and the little boy can now take the first place in his class.
There was also a little girl who wanted to help her mother move out the cart that set up the stall, but obviously she was not tall enough, so the pots and pans, oil, salt, sauce and vinegar on the cart were all scattered on the ground.
The little girl kept apologizing to her mother, but instead of blaming her, she touched her head and comforted her.
There was also a little boy who came home and showed off to his mother: "I got 4 more points in the test today!"
Mom asked, "How many points did you score today?"
The boy grinned and said, "64 points!"
Mom said, "I'll give you a chicken leg in the evening." ”
A few weeks later, the child brought back another test paper, this time with a score of 88.
Finally, a father sincerely said to his daughter: "You are very important, you always have to put yourself first." Even if you work as a waiter, as long as you like it, Dad likes it. Because your life has just begun, you have to always do what you love......"
The comment area said that when the original group of people who were subjected to repressive education grew up, they really knew how to protect their children's self-esteem and self-confidence.
Because most of our generation grew up in the way of "repressive education", those who are unconfident, cowardly, inferior, and insecure have always longed to be seen.
I remember a little girl in the show "Youth Talk".
She studied very seriously and worked hard, but instead of her mother's care and praise, she always had to deny.
She said to her mother on the show: "Why do you always compare me with other classmates, why do you never see my efforts?"
Her mother said, "I think your personality needs to be hit." If you don't hit it, you might be a little floaty. ”
Do many people have such "same parents"?
In fact, at this time, the girl had already clearly expressed her feelings and needs - when the girl wiped her tears and said that her personality was not suitable for education, but she didn't expect her mother to still insist on her own opinion: "When you are strong, I think I want to pat you, and when you are weak, I feel like I want to push you." ”
As someone in the comment section said: "My mother is crazy to suppress me, and at the same time wants me to be confident and strong." Maybe they don't understand, how dare children who have been suppressed be proud and confident?"
A famous host is powerful and talented, and the program he hosts is loved by everyone.
However, when talking about her childhood experience in a show, she couldn't help but burst into tears.
She said that when she was a child, her father had very high requirements for herself, she couldn't look in the mirror, couldn't have any cultural and sports activities, and from the first year of high school to the third year of high school, she had to go to the hotel to work as a cleaner and work to earn money every winter and summer vacation.
And the thing she was most afraid of when she was a child was eating, because at this time, her father would always say at the dinner table, you are not right, you are not right. She often cries while eating.
So throughout the whole process of growing up, she always felt that I had to do a lot better than others, and I felt down-to-earth.
It can be imagined how difficult it has been for her to grow up along the way, because she has never gotten rid of self-doubt in her heart, even if she seems to outsiders to be good enough, but because of the experience of being suppressed since childhood, she does not dare to be sure of herself easily.
According to a survey conducted by the Social Survey Center of China Youth Daily on 2,006 young people aged 18-35, 90.6 percent of the young people surveyed admitted that they had received a shocking education from their parents.
59.7% of the young people surveyed believe that percussive education will lead to a lack of self-confidence and self-denial.
Susan Foward says in her book The Family of Origin:
"When you always hear negative comments about yourself from other people's mouths and let those comments into your subconscious, you are 'internalizing' them. The internalization of negative evaluations – changing 'you are' to 'I am' – forms the basis of an inferiority complex. ”
From a psychological point of view, children who have grown up in ridicule and suppression for a long time, those negative voices are likely to make them live with an inferiority complex for the rest of their lives.
If you've ever been repressed, I want to tell you, my dear, you're not wrong.
I remember that the artist Jin Jing once talked about his weight loss experience on the show.
In the year of the Winter Olympics, Jin Jing went home for the New Year, because Gu Ailing became a national idol at that time, which also inspired Jin Jing, so she also began to exercise hard and lose weight seriously.
But unexpectedly, once when Jin Jing was jumping rope, her father came over and said to her: Are your thighs thicker than your boyfriend?
At that time, Jin Jing's tears were in her eyes, but as an adult, she understood that this sentence was wrong.
The things that have hit you hard may not be your fault at all.
In those years, you had poor grades, just because everyone started from a different place, and if someone encouraged you more, you wouldn't feel like you weren't learning material.
In those years, you were said to be ugly and dirty, which in itself was a disrespectful way of people, and it should be the person who said this kind of thing to reflect.
In those years, you accidentally broke the rice bowl and inadvertently destroyed what your parents had prepared, and there were bad results caused by unconsciousness...... You didn't mean to.
So, you don't need to feel like you can't do anything from now on, and you can't do anything well. You don't need to feel that you have to be good-looking, or that you have to be good and successful to be seen......
Although these repressive language comes from our parents and elders, in essence, we need to know that these evaluations of us are not necessarily correct or objective.
It's just that in the past, we were too young to distinguish these repressive languages, so it subtly imperceptibly entered our evaluation of ourselves, making us have a wrong perception of ourselves.
So, how do we get out of the cycle of being belittled?
If our parents and elders are accustomed to repressive communication, then we can't change them at all.
The best way to do that is to give up on changing their minds. Because as long as you keep longing for them to affirm you, you're always living in their evaluative language.
Since we know not to live in other people's mouths, the most important thing is to live in our own evaluation system.
In other words, as the saying goes, we need to cultivate ourselves that are internally stable.
Source: Visual China
What is a kernel-stable self?
Different people may have different interpretations, but I think a sentence from Zhuangzi's "Wandering Away" is very suitable to explain.
He said: The world is praised without persuasion, and the world is not discouraged, and the distinction between inside and outside is determined, and the state of honor and disgrace is argued.
It means that a person will not change himself because of praise or belittlement from the outside world, because he can distinguish between what he really wants inside and what is the standards and requirements of the outside world.
A person with a truly stable core knows what he likes, what advantages he has, and what is imposed on us by the outside world, so he will not doubt himself because of a few words and a few glances from others.
He clearly knows his preferences, strengths and weaknesses, conditions and life direction, so he will not be affected by the external environment and walks on the road of true freedom.
I am very happy to see those who have been repressed in education grow up, and when they become parents, they know how to encourage their children and know how to tolerate their children's mistakes in the process of growing up.
They have seen in their own upbringing that scores, rankings, and external success are far less important than raising a confident and strong child.
Therefore, when we can re-look at the evaluation given to us by others in the past, when we begin to see our own shining points, everyone who has been subjected to repressive education will slowly grow their own strength and have new courage to face life.
Author: Lei Lei, Source: WeChat public account action faction (ID: xingdongpai77).