Text | Rice grain mother
Recently, Rice Grain's mother saw such a news.
Female college student Xiao Jiang posted a post asking netizens for help: "The conditions at home are average, how can I persuade my mother to agree to my travel?" ”
The post attached a chat record of her and her mother, and a few short lines of dialogue made the rice grain mother taste mixed.
In the conversation between the two, Xiao Jiang was aggrieved and begged and kept explaining, but her mother always spoke in a stern tone and refused to give in, quarreling until the end not only did not solve the problem, but also intensified the conflict between mother and daughter.
For Xiao Jiang, the long-cherished trip and the plan to discuss with his roommate were all in vain because of his mother's obstruction, and his heart was lost;
In my mother's opinion, the girl, who has already gone to college, only wants to play, spends money lavishly, and does not understand her parents at all, which is chilling.
On the surface, the mother and daughter quarreled because of the fact that they had different words about "whether to travel".
But Mi Li's mother thought about it carefully but found that this matter was only the fuse, and the contradiction between the two may have been around for a long time.
Tourism, not a bad thing
Let's start with a plate of children's thoughts.
In fact, it is actually very common and reasonable for college students to want to travel.
After three years of immersion in high school and entering a freer and more inclusive college environment, many children can't wait to see the bigger world.
And in terms of time and space, universities are transitional platforms for campus and social integration.
Here, students have a lot of opportunities to explore and try, and tourism has naturally become an important way for them to broaden their horizons.
Rice grain mother has always supported taking more children to walk outside, as long as conditions permit, I will take rice grains out almost every holiday to enjoy the wind.
But of course, the premise is that "conditions permit", which is also the first crux of the quarrel between Ginger and his mother.
Yes, Xiao Jiang's family conditions are ordinary, and it is not easy for her parents to bear her basic expenses for schooling, even if they want her to go out to play, they are powerless.
When many netizens saw this, they maliciously accused Xiao Jiang - "white-eyed wolf", "selfishness", "vampire", and forcefully put a name of "exquisite egoist" on people.
But is Ginger really as excessive as they say?
Actually, no.
Judging from the content of her chat with her mother, she has been looking forward to this trip for a long time, but she has not dared to expect it because of the limited conditions.
This time, she summoned up the courage to ask her mother, and she also considered the financial pressure at home, so she discussed with her classmates in advance: she had no money and could only travel poorly.
And in order to save transportation costs, she told her classmates that the hard seat of the train for ten hours together would only cost 105 yuan.
This is enough to see that Ginger is not a child who has no heart and no understanding in everyone's mouth.
It's just that, as a college student, her way of solving problems is indeed a little naïve.
Perhaps because he has lived a step-by-step life since he was a child, Ginger is still very dependent on his parents, whether it is living habits or financial support.
She only thought that she didn't want to cause more trouble to her family, but she didn't expect that she could take the initiative to solve the trouble and fight for the life she wanted.
In a similar situation, someone made a very different choice.
A netizen commented that he was only a freshman this year, and he was very envious that his roommates could travel, but he knew that family conditions did not allow, so he simply refused and chose to work part-time to earn money.
This comment made the rice grain mother's eyes sour. When I was in college, I brushed plates, wrapped sandwiches, spread omelettes, and became a sought-after "housekeeper aunt."
Back then, I was washing dishes in the school cafeteria, you know, there were many more plates in the cafeteria than in the outside restaurant, and I was a screw in the back kitchen assembly line.
Wearing long gloves that reach to the armpits, and wearing a long apron that mops the floor (Mother Mi is originally a hobpy, and in the United States, the glove apron really does not have my size)
On the first day of the brushing business, it was super crashing.
In the dirty back kitchen, countless dirty dishes frantically rushed towards me, just brushed several, and then a large pile of freshly baked dirty dishes smashed into my hands, a broken plate directly cut my gloves, blood instantly stained the pool, I paused, and the canteen supervisor immediately yelled at me: What's going on? Why are you so slow!
Tears burst out of her eyes instantly.
However, the tense rhythm immediately made me forget how wronged I was, and I gradually became a famous "little fast hand" in the back kitchen, and when I quit my job as an assembly line dishwasher half a year later, the supervisor expressed special regret and regret
In addition to brushing dishes, making sandwiches, spreading quiches, making hot dogs, serving rice... I've done all of these jobs. In 3 years of college, Mi Li's mother worked 14 jobs and earned 200,000 yuan, and the article poked → "How wild is my college life?" Earn 200,000 yuan by working 14 jobs and make friends with the mayor."
Sometimes life is really like playing cards, some people play good cards, and some people fight back with bad cards.
For Xiao Jiang, instead of passively relying on the family that is not well-off, it is better to take the initiative to change his life.
After all, the only person who can decide your fate is yourself.
Poverty is not original sin
After talking about the child, let's talk about the mother.
Frankly speaking, when Mi Gran's mother saw her mother's fierce response for the first time, she subconsciously felt that she was a little "unreasonable".
But look at it again, all that remains is sadness.
Faced with her daughter's cautious request, her first reaction was: "Why do you always say these things that embarrass me?" ”
Behind this "embarrassment" is her backbone bent by life.
Watching her throw out that consumption bill, Migrain's mother can almost imagine how she is budget-saving, frugal, and struggling to maintain a large family.
It was followed by the phrase "I still want to go myself", which once again stung the heart of Mother Miri.
Poverty is like a low eaves, obscuring people's view to the sky, making people only swirl in the shadows of life.
Doesn't a mother want her daughter to run freely?
It's just that the days of worrying about money for many years have made her lose the confidence to promise her daughter.
And this is precisely the most terrible place about poverty, which will invisibly trap people's hands and feet and limit people's thinking.
Many of the words in this mother's dialogue stem from the "sequelae" of poverty.
After her daughter proposed the idea of traveling, her first reaction was that her daughter was comparing.
Immediately after that, he said such radical words as "what family does what things" and "she has money to let her go".
And the reason why she thinks this is only because of her own fear.
She is not afraid of comparing with others, but of the ending that is destined to be "incomparable".
And the next paragraph that made many netizens feel "unreasonable" is also an extension of this psychology.
She lists the advantages of "other people's children":
People have passed the sixth level once
I can't bear to drink a cup of milk tea
One yuan a breakfast, 1200 yuan a month can not be used
Accuse your daughter of this: You see, you can't do as well as others.
While worrying that her daughter will compare with others, she unconsciously compares her daughter with others.
Behind this "mutual harm" is a long-standing psychological imbalance.
More comparisons will only aggravate the child's low self-esteem.
I saw an anonymous story in a certain place before. The girl is the only child of a working family, and the conditions at home are average, but not to the point where the pot cannot be uncovered.
But she was raised by her parents poorly, and she didn't own a kindergarten doll or a beautiful schoolbag from elementary school.
Until college, she remembers the sarcasm her mother blurted out after she ate two more fried chicken wings at the dinner table: "If you could eat like this when you were a child, I'm afraid our family might not be able to support you." ”
So even if the conditions at home are much better now, she still has a very tight life, dare not apply for the major she likes but the tuition is more expensive, never dare to take a taxi when she goes out, and sometimes she can't help but buy a small cake will be very guilty.
In fact, poverty is not terrible, what is terrible is the cowardice and inferiority that breeds poverty, which is the hidden pain that accompanies a lifetime.
Take a step back and understand long live
Back to the little ginger mother and daughter.
The small aspect of tourism is enough to reflect the fragile link in family education.
But in the final analysis, this matter is not unsolvable, but it needs to be dealt with in a different way.
First of all, moms should change their attitude towards poverty.
The famous American psychotherapist Susan Foward once said this:
"Crying poor" parents are like silent "tyrants" – they don't yell or make gestures, but their actions can hurt, confuse, and anger us.
In the face of a family situation that is not rich, parents should tell their children the truth without humility, instead of instilling inferiority and invisible pressure in their children by crying poor.
"Strange Words" has a debate: should I tell my children that my family is not rich.
Fu Seoul's point of view is: the matter of not being rich, even if the parents do not deliberately say it, the child can feel it, so there is no need to hide it.
The crux of the problem is not whether to tell the child, but how to confess and what attitude to face poverty.
She told her son bluntly: "Our family conditions are okay, we can afford you, but what you want, you have to fight for yourself." ”
The first half of the sentence is to let the child face reality, and the more critical is actually in the second half, teach the child to be aggressive and take the initiative.
After Fu's mother's education, her son Duole not only no longer compared with other classmates, but also learned to save pocket money into a piggy bank.
A small act reflects a change in cognition, and the child has realized that life is by me, and things are man-made.
People cannot stay where they are, and poverty is not a permanent situation.
Ciri shared a story of his own.
When he first came to Wuhan to study, the class held a theme activity that made him a little overwhelmed: bring your favorite dish to school and share it with everyone.
At that time, as soon as school was over, the children in the class dragged their parents into supermarkets and restaurants to buy all kinds of delicious food.
He himself wanted to buy a roast chicken that he had always wanted to eat, but his father looked embarrassed.
The father and son were silent for a while, and the father made a decision and said, "Let's make our own." ”
So little Xi Rui followed his father home, took out the cauliflower brought from his hometown in the countryside, and simply stir-fried a shredded meat.
This is the first time in his life that Xi Rui cooks by himself, and it means far more than a plate of cauliflower stir-fried meat for him.
He said: "Dad didn't tell me that things can't be bought, even though that's true.
But he told me that even if we are poor, we can not only passively wait for acceptance, but also take the initiative to change and create. ”
Yes, as Sherry said, it is better to teach them the ability to change scarcity and create satisfaction than to buy expensive toys and exquisite meals for children.
In the same way, when it comes to traveling, the mother can tell the child like this:
"The first time you really want to go to a place to play, your mother can take the money to support you to go.
But you also know the conditions of our family, so if you want to go next time, you may as well save a sum of money yourself. ”
The so-called "do it yourself, enrich your clothes and food", as long as you have the intention to try, there are many college students who can do part-time jobs.
In the comment area of this matter, a sister appeared and said:
In addition to the assistantship positions set up by the school, there are tutors, cash registers, fast food restaurants, express delivery, and various short-term part-time jobs during winter and summer vacations.
Acknowledging one's poverty and improving one's quality of life through one's own hands is far better than being inferior and fearful of dreams.
The taste of being rich, the poor and the poor way of living.
Just as there are two sides to a coin, if you look at it from a long perspective, how many people do not have more than enough life than the upper one?
Never be held back by material deprivation, the best gift we can give our children is freedom of soul and spiritual abundance.
Personal profile: @米粒妈爱分享 rice grain mother, American returnee, Haidian parent. Focus on learning dry goods, educational experience and further education.