<h1>preface</h1>
Psychologist Yalong said that life's troubles come from four aspects: inevitable death, deep loneliness, the freedom we seek, and the fact that life has no obvious meaning.
"Silent Confession" is the first novel written by Chinese writer Wu Qishi in six years. Raised in Pennsylvania and Ohio, with parents of scientists, she is the second generation of Hong Kong immigrants. Prior to the publication of Silent Confessions, she had been writing novels and essays in various literary journals and magazines.
This work is her debut work, and she also won the 2014 Amazon Book of the Year title with this debut.
After reading "Silent Confession", I found that the contradictions in this family seemed to confirm Yalong's point of view. At the same time, I am convinced of two things: to live in fear, which is the root cause; and not to have practical expectations as a poison, the most deadly of kind.
All the reasons are in the parents, as well as the parents of the parents. Although I admit that many people are like this, I don't like this kind of persona who can't break free of control.
The beginning of Silent Confessions is that Lydia is dead, and her family does not know it. It sounded sad because she was only sixteen years old and was in the stage of a flower girl.
No one wants to believe it, but it makes sense. In the following, I will analyze the reasons for Lydia's death from three aspects: Lydia's mother, father, and brother.
<h1>01 Mother expects too much from Lydia</h1>
Marilyn, who wanted to be a doctor since childhood, had excellent grades, pursued differentiation, and liked to impress people in this way.
"The results of her experiments are the most accurate, and the experimental reports are the most complete." By the time of the midterm exams, she had already won the first place in each quiz, and the lecturer had already put away the smile that had been mocking her. ”
At Harvard, she studied chemistry, majoring in physics, and was ready to march into medical school. It seems like a good and fulfilling school life, working hard for the future you want. However, in her junior year, she fell in love with her history teacher, James. Soon after, Marilyn became pregnant, and she interrupted her studies to choose to get married and take care of the family.
Children always affect the life of their parents. Once born, it means responsibility and burden. So I advise women to be cautious when it comes to marriage and childbearing, and having children and families usually means that you have to lose a lot of things.
And as a person who pursues something different, because marriage and children return to the family, giving up her dreams, Marilyn is doomed to be unwilling. So, like many parents who couldn't achieve their dreams, she pinned her dreams on her daughter Lydia.
Marilyn has high expectations for Lydia and therefore has higher requirements for her daughter. She kept asking Lydia some arithmetic questions, "How many loaves of bread are in the bag?" "How many sausages are there on the oven?" How many are not sandwiched in bread? ”
Every time the daughter answered correctly, the mother touched her hair and let her lean on her lap. Lydia had been doing arithmetic all day.
Under the encouragement and request of her mother, Lydia constantly counted the number of things in her life, such as counting the amount of porridge bowls, writing letters... As time went on, Lydia's books were no longer illustrated; the problems she had to solve became longer and harder; there were fractions, decimals, and indices in arithmetic; and the games she played became more and more complex.
All kinds of knowledge swirled around her later, clinging to her, only increasing every day. Wherever she went, they were there. However, whenever the mother commanded her to come down, she would only promise "yes, yes."
She used her summer vacation to study algebra, put on a dress for junior dance classes, and signed up for biology classes at the university, which were held on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Busy all summer.
After the biology class, Marilyn made a new suggestion, "This summer, we will let you take the natural sciences directly. Reluctantly, she obeyed.
From the above situation, it can be seen that the mother Marilyn did not consider her daughter's feelings at all, but blindly arranged classes for her, which sounded very suffocating.
On her birthday, Lydia was terrified to see her mother's gift: Marilyn would usually give her books. Last year was a color atlas of human anatomy that was too big to fit vertically into a bookshelf; the previous year it was a thick copy of "Famous Women in Science"; this year my mother still sent the books "Women Pioneers in Science" and "Basic Physiology".
"On weekends, Marilyn wouldn't allow Lydia to hang out unless she had done all her homework — and by the time she was done, it was usually Sunday afternoon."
Lydia was upset because she struggled with the course. Slowly, grades slipped like the weather forecast.
Once, when Lydia failed the physics test, she was reprimanded by her mother: "When you grow up, what if you can't find a job?" Think about it. ”
In the face of the silent daughter, she repeated all kinds of terrible warnings over and over again- "Do you think it's okay to find a man to marry?" Is that all your life plan? ”
After the number of failures, Lydia was less and less afraid to go home, afraid of Marilyn's hysterical scolding. She was out schooling with poor student Jack, wanted to have a boyfriend, and even wanted to break up because she was unhappy and the pressure was too great.
Thus, there was a later tragedy. This too heavy expectation is not only difficult to meet expectations, but also becomes a heavy burden on the child's heart, which will seriously endanger the child's physical and mental health.
<h1>02 Father wants Lydia to fit in</h1>
Lydia's father, James, was an Oriental, small man, no more than five feet nine inches tall. Children from mixed-race families often struggle to find their niche.
Growing up in the United States, his parents smuggled into the United States under pseudonyms because they were afraid of being discovered and deported back to China, so they desperately tried to fit in and try to avoid being different.
He was the first Oriental student to attend Lloyd's, and never went to dance, not to a mobilization meeting or to a ball in the lower or upper grades. He was afraid that others would ask about his identity and that others would laugh at him.
After seven years of studying at Harvard, I only knew a few acquaintances, I had no friends, and my habit of sitting unsteadily in a chair remained unchanged, as if someone came to pick him up at any time, and he never thought that he was a person here, and he was afraid for a long time. Even after marrying Marilyn, a hundred-person girl, the situation did not improve, he did not go out to socialize, did not entertain at home, did not have dinner parties, and had no real friends.
This, in James's view, is a pity. He doesn't want his children to do the same, so he tries to make his son Ness friends with his neighbor Jack, but fails; he encourages Lydia to go out socializing, often greeting her friends through Lydia, and transporting Lydia to watch movies with her friends... However, everything is an illusion, and Lydia has no real friends.
On Lydia's 16th birthday, James' joyful gift to Lydia was a book called How to Win Friends and Influence Others.
After unpacking the wrapper, Lydia felt as if her heart had fallen into an ice cave, and it was gradually moving away from her. "I have friends, Dad." She said, though she knew it was a lie.
It can be seen that James really wants his daughter Lydia to have friends and let her know that communication skills are very important. He didn't know how depressed Lydia's emotions were, he just knew if he had known this:
If that were the case, everything would be different; if he knew how to "handle relationships" and how to get others to like him, maybe he would be able to adapt to Lloyd, he would be able to please Marilyn's mother, and Harvard would have hired him. He can get more "life gains".
Why doesn't Lydia have friends? On the one hand, Lydia is of mixed race, and her blue eyes make it impossible for her to get too close to others; on the other hand, we also know that these times are occupied by the study tasks arranged by her mother.
The father himself wants to fit into the crowd, but he is not good at communication, desperately trying to get his daughter to make friends. However, this is not possible.
Karen Adler said: "She seems lonely, she doesn't interact with anyone. ”
Pam Sanders said: "She doesn't have too many friends, not even boyfriends. I don't think any of the boys would notice her. ”
At the very bottom, Lee's physics teacher, Donald Kelly, recalls, "She was a lonely high school freshman in her sophomore year of physics. ”
Kelly said, "She learns to work hard, but she clearly doesn't fit in. ”
A fifteen or sixteen-year-old flower girl, everywhere can not be separated from the image of "loneliness", no friends outside, but to "cater" to her father in communication, how tired she is, who knows, and who understands. There is no time for self-entertainment, no room for choice.
Moreover, the ambiguous affair between her father James and the female staff was discovered by Lydia, and she felt that the image of her father's loyalty was no longer there, which was also a thing that bothered her.
<h1>03 Brother Ness is indifferent to Lydia</h1>
From an early age, Ness grew up with Lydia and went to and from school together. The drowning Lydia was also saved by Ness, and the two of them depended on each other during the time when their mother disappeared.
Playing together to share secrets, making mistakes will be hidden together, the mother's "persecution" of Lydia, Ness also sees in the eyes, Ness understands her and comforts her. She could say that her brother Ness was the closest person to Lydia.
However, this home was also the last place Ness wanted to stay. After the summer, he's going to Harvard for college, and he can leave home.
In April, Nez, who was visiting Harvard in Boston, had an appointment with Lydia, but Ness never called. There was no call the night she left; neither on Saturday, when Lydia was crying and asleep; and not on Sunday.
It can be seen that Lydia has taken her brother as a dependency. Once her brother left, she would have no backing and even lose the courage to live.
So Lydia gradually fell into doubt: "So, it will be like this in the future, just like I have never had an older brother." ”
She called her brother to complain, "You didn't call? ”
Ness was impatient over there. "You called just for this?"
Ness sighed. "What's wrong? Did Mom complain about your homework? Wait, I guess. Mom bought you a 'special gift' and it turned out to be a book.
Dad bought you a new dress — no, a diamond necklace — and he wanted you to wear it. Last night at dinner, you had to keep talking and talking, and their attention was on you. Am I guessing correctly? ”
Lydia was stunned and silent. Ness knew more than anyone about the life of their family, including the specialized vocabulary and the hidden feelings that had never been enough for outsiders, but these words and phrases were spoken by him in a voice that sounded so trivial, indifferent, and empty. But now, her brother had completely become a stranger to her.
"Oh my God, I don't have time to listen to you." He added indignantly, "Why don't you tell Jack your question?" ”
Ness didn't like Jack. Is it because I see Lydia and Jack approaching and are worried that Lydia will be hurt by that "scum"?
Lydia was alone on the stairs, hearing Ness hang up the phone, she stood still for a long time, the tears that had once choked her voice had dried up, and the anger that had burned against Ness was slowly spreading in her heart. Ness turned into another person, who didn't care if she needed him or not, and the man who said things that hurt her.
That summer, Lydia and Ness's relationship fell to a freezing point. The "oppressive love" of her parents had already bothered her, and now even Ness, who was most willing to share her pain, was leaving.
"They used to be in the same group, and even such a small thing as shooting a dead spider to cover the ceiling with white spots would be shared by happiness and suffering." She never imagined they would be like this. ”
She had lost Ness—the only one who understood the strange and fragile balance of their family. He knew exactly what had happened. Before, he always held her up and wouldn't let her sink. But Ness was gone, and her last straw was gone.
In order not to let Ness leave, she even hid the acceptance letter sent by Harvard, but what was the use? There will be a second letter, and Ness will still be gone.
Ness went to Harvard and got rid of the family, while Lydia was still trapped in it.
At this critical time, Ness did not care about Lydia as much as before, he ignored her, thinking that it was better for her to get too much love from her parents than too little, and he was jealous of her, but he did not expect that his indifference would bury the life of his sister Lydia.
<h1>epilogue</h1>
The tragedy of Lydia has its roots in the family. And this kind of family without love, only the expectations of parents, is the reason for the existence and intensification of contradictions in many families in real life.
The best love in the world should be, I love you because you are you, not the way you want to be.
In the movie "God Bless Bobby", Bobby, a gay son who is not recognized by his mother, says: "Accept me like this, or simply forget me." "Hopefully you don't do what others expect, because one day you'll not be able to live up to their expectations."
May you find what you love and be your true self.