"It's your own business — entirely, just yours."
Text | Shen Kuan
Edit | Roshan
Probably every girl will hear the advice when she is young: "It is good to be a teacher or nurse in the future." The advice comes not from knowledge of these professions, but from the imagination of "stability" – but this has nothing to do with women's real lives.
Years after receiving such advice, Lan Yingying chose to become an actress, Song Kun is becoming the captain of an unpowered galleon, Zhang Chun is now a psychological counselor and writer, and Sera is engaged in sex education science popularization and communication.
Their life choices are different, but there is one similarity: in a world where there are always surprises and uncertainties, "women should be stable" has not become the first rule in their lives. They explore on their own initiative, but also prepare for every departure – which is courageous and intelligent.
On Women's Day 2023, Southern Weekend joined hands with Ma Fulong to enter the lives of four women and have a dialogue with them.
Here are their stories with themselves, with their female identity, with risks and growth.
1
Set off on a journey where risk and scenery coexist
If you hadn't set off for sailing, you'd never know how cold the Atlantic Ocean would be in July.
On land at the same latitude, people have already set up umbrellas and eaten cold drinks, while crew member Song Kun wears a Lei Feng hat, ski gloves on his hands, and clothes layer by layer. When you are on the night shift, the cold from the sea breeze will drive away drowsiness, and even a cup of hot tea will make people feel grateful.
Song Kun said that as long as the eyes adapt to the darkness, the charm of the sea will be revealed. I raised my head, and a bright moon waited quietly in the night sky, and the stars disappeared on the dark curtain, as if whispering. We seemed to be galloping up and down on the boundless silver prairie, and I couldn't help but pull off my mask and let the wind of freedom blow freely into my hair, and I felt every cell breathe this freedom. ”
This is the reason why Song Kun raised the sails again and again. She recalls her first voyage, "smiles from mouth to ear, and every time I learn, I feel like I'll be able to drive a big boat one day."
Voyager Song Kun
But ten years after completing his circumnavigation of the world, Song Kun, who was still at sea, knew the danger of the sea - when it encountered wind and waves, the sailboat immediately became a leaf. Song Kun can count the accidents of the past few years in one breath: two people accidentally fell into the water, and one was hit on the head by a mast. Their voyages and lives came to an abrupt end, and "at this time, you will find out how fragile people are."
After ten years as an actress, Lan Yingying also mentioned the emotional twists and turns that performance will bring. There is only a fine line between entering the character and falling into the character. She once played a girl looking for a lover, and even after the finalization, the fate and sorrow of the character still haunted her, and even the mention of the character's name by others would make her choke.
In the lectures of sex education communicator Xeah, accident and risk are the high-frequency words she will use. Women always face different risks, and Seh reminds them that physically, psychologically, and sometimes in public opinion – for example, for men and women, society has different tolerances for their sexual freedom.
For several years in a row, Song Kun's mother kept asking, "Can't you just go and get a serious job?" "When my mother said serious work, I meant sitting in the office, blowing the air conditioner, calling the computer, speaking softly, fair-skinned, and speaking politely when I saw people - no wind and waves and no danger.
This kind of life is not bad, but it is not what Song Kun wants. She smiled again and again to thank her relatives and friends for their advice, but when the day of sailing came, she still changed into equipment and set off for the sea.
Taking risks does not mean taking risks.
For Song Kun, the freedom and joy of sailing are based on countless safety process guidelines. In the past 10 years of sailing, beware of accidents has become Song Kun's muscle memory. The seat belt is attached to the hull of the boat to prevent falling into the water, so as long as the wind is strong and it is dark, you must hang it, and look down after hanging to see if the lock is jammed; When pulling the rope and winch, the thumb should be facing towards you, not outward - so as to avoid the thumb being cut by the rope and losing the important function of the hand; Pay attention to the safety angle when at the helm, and wear an automatic positioning device when going to sea. Therefore, she can temporarily forget the bumpy boat for a moment in the late night on duty and look up at the vast starry sky.
Lan Yingying will also set a boundary for her psychological safety. Those knots that linger in her heart during the performance, she will write a letter to the character or just a few words to solve, "hug well when you are together, say goodbye when you leave", so it is not so difficult to say goodbye.
Actor Lan Yingying
In balancing expectations of "self" and "others," Seh has always believed in the agency and power of self-perception. Sex education is life education, "we don't just teach women how to do it, but more about supplementing the information and letting her know what she is facing, not 'how to do it', but 'what you can do'."
Song Kun likes the feeling that the radius of the world becomes larger when he sets sail, and the cities and sea areas he passes through are clear in front of him. Lan Yingying couldn't give up acting. She loves to merge with the character and forget the flow of time, the audience, and the fourth wall. Sea firmly believes that risk and free choice are never either/or, "The premise of all free choice is that you know all the risks and know how to deal with them." But ignoring desires and avoiding risks will limit women's survival and freedom."
Follow your body and heart, listen to your own advice, "It's your own business – exclusively, just yours."
Even if she was worried about her daughter, Song Kun's mother later accepted her daughter's job, and it was her mother's support that Song Kun finally completed her circumnavigation of the world.
When not at sea, they go to clubs by the sea together. The mother also took a long time to get used to, the daughter who was tanned on the beach, climbed up and down the boat every day, and developed strong muscles. Sometimes, mother and daughter dig sea rainbows together. Sometimes, when the sails were bulging, they turned on the boat's engine and staggered into the sea again.
2
Look straight into the restricted area
But what if the pier leading to the sea is pulled up with a cordon?
For example, discipline. The discipline of "what to do" and "what not to do" is like a warning line after a line, making it difficult for women to take a step forward.
Writer and psychological counselor Zhang Chun hit this cordon in his first Muay Thai class.
First warming up, then the coach raising the target, she punched punch after punch, smooth and powerful, allowing her to accumulate some confidence. Then came to the real person sparring practice, facing the nearly two-meter-tall, 200-pound bearded man in front of her, don't say punches, she couldn't even look into the other party's eyes.
Two minutes later, Zhang Chun gave up, lay on the ground and began crying.
What was I afraid of before I punched this punch? Zhang Chun thought. This may be the most obvious fantasy of being hurt, but it's also another fantasy of being afraid that you've only been practicing for two hours and you'll hurt your coach in one fell swoop. Of course, neither of these points is possible, the coach will not make such a cruel hand, and her fist may not have a chance to fall on the coach at all. Although she knew both intellectually, her clenched fists just couldn't swing out.
"This kind of worry goes hand in with women growing up, sometimes you feel so vulnerable, sometimes you feel that you have the potential to destroy the world, so you will do nothing, dare not do anything." Sometimes I am afraid that I will be hurt, sometimes I am afraid that others will be hurt, so my feelings are hidden. In countless life moments, countless families, and countless gender relationships, similar bridges are repeated.
She gave the situation a name, "double bondage": the first constraint is "you have a bad situation" and the second constraint is "but you are not allowed to feel bad".
Writer and psychological counselor Zhang Chun
How difficult it is to say the word "uncomfortable", as a communicator, but also a woman, Sea knows best. The concept of "you can bring it up if you feel uncomfortable" is missing in many women's lives, "we are not good at rejection".
On the other hand, "comfortable" is not a word that can be easily mentioned. "Women are asked from a young age not to talk about anything related to sex and the body. Shame is 'gained' when experiencing natural phenomena such as breast development and menstruation. "This kind of shame often accompanies women, and it has become the norm to keep silent talks.
Closure and silence also seem to be genes passed down from generation to generation. She also receives private messages from aunts and sisters from time to time, "Some people will share their discomfort and resistance in intimate relationships, they will find it a dirty thing; Others will feel that things have happened for years and have been looked down on."
But the latter worries Sea even more, "If the mother already feels that there is nothing, will she ask the child not to tell others?" Time will heal the damage, but its effects may always be there. ”
When talking about women's autonomy in personal exploration and intimate relationships, Sea believes that "we want to tell the whole society loudly that women also have the right to pursue pleasure and pleasure", but in the past, society's warning to women has always been "don't go out if you don't want to be hurt".
This is arrogant. Sea said. Women are given simple and brutal discipline, but no one mentions her rights or tells them the knowledge and facts.
Only by seeing these cordons can there be a possibility of breaking through them and moving on.
3
Let the female voice increase
Whether women can get out of the dock and enjoy life is also influenced by the external environment - a topic as big as opportunities for education and development, but it can also be as small as a sofa.
Zhang Chun said that in the past few years, she had never sat on a sofa that satisfied her, and they were always far wider than the length of her thighs, so she could not comfortably nest in. A dressing room stool, an ergonomic chair, a gamepad or even a mobile phone, like the sofa, has no suitable "her": "For more than 30 years, I have wondered if I shouldn't be uncomfortable, but now I know that the sofa is wrong, not me." It's not that I'm wrong, I'm righteous, and I look like this. ”
After the age of 40, Zhang Chun finally began to think so.
It's not just the design of sofas that needs to change, the world needs more female voices. In this way, more women can know that they have a choice and can bravely say what they want.
Just as children need sex education, victims of sexual harassment need a "you're not wrong," women in relationships need a "listen to your body," the world's depiction of sex needs a middle ground beyond "sacred" and "dangerous." This is the puzzle piece that Sea and his colleagues wanted to fix.
"In this society, a lot of standards, information lacks a woman's perspective — because 'they' are missing, so we need to speak out," Sea said, "not to teach, but to suggest, or to work together." ”
This invitation may not change reality overnight: "Structural problems are not easy to change, but every small step is eliminating the sense of powerlessness." Sea said.
Sex education communicator Seah
Regarding the change of "her", Lan Yingying also feels this deeply.
She has played many different types of roles since she started in the industry. She sees that the "look" of female characters in the image is becoming richer, and she herself, in the past 10 years, has gained more strength, "love is no longer the only standard, 'she' can pursue love, but the concept of happiness and success is different for each character."
Lan Yingying mentioned the role in the TV series "Heart Ripple" - an insurance salesman who loves to work. This is a woman who is willing to integrate work and life. When filming began, Lan Yingying hung a mobile phone around her neck, which was her own mobile phone, and also stored the customer's phone, ready to pick it up at any time - this is Lan Yingying's "careful thinking" to shape the character.
On the other hand, when standing at the fork in the choice of gradually disappearing emotions, she will also resolutely choose to wave goodbye. "She stops the loss in time, knows in time what kind of life I want to be, is not afraid of external evaluation, and does what she really wants to do" - the women in the script are more active and brave to face their own needs.
Lan Yingying's real life also echoes the role she plays, she is straightforward, truthful, and has a clear goal - whether it is playing a role, completing a singing and dancing or participating in a competition, she will always be 100% of herself. "I want to breathe deeply, I yearn for the beautiful scenery, I want to look at it twice, it is actually a life force, the power to desire and cherish life." Lan Yingying said.
On Song Kun's sailboat, you can also begin to see more of these vibrant young girls - a sight that Song Kun did not have when he first came into contact with sailing. Like her, they grinned to the roots of their ears, were curious about the wind, waves and sails, and the first time they got on the boat felt like they had arrived in a familiar place, always looking forward to the next voyage.
Many of the girls heard Song Kun's story and were attracted to her. If it was a male captain, everyone would be a little embarrassed, but now they can relax. "My goal is not to get more women to join sailing, but if my presence allows them to discover that 'I can still do something I like so much,' I feel particularly valuable."
With more voices and more role models, more women can dare to raise the sails, see their own possibilities, and sail to the sea of life.
4
One small step of change
After seeing the situation of women, what should you do if you want to take a small step?
A woman who often chooses silence in public to find Zhang Chun. She decided to try to speak once.
Zhang Chun's advice is that one small step is good — not one step to the moon, but one small step. "We always talk about trying and getting out of your comfort zone, but in this way, it seems that there is a rule that tells you to 'don't back down, otherwise you are backtracked', as if once you decide, you can't go back, you can't change it."
Everyone can relax, Zhang Chun thinks. Don't think about being a strong woman or a female leader, just take a small step forward. If you want to try, you can just raise your hand for a second and put it down before others see it; Or take a deep breath, even if it's just for a while. "If you feel uncomfortable, you can immediately return to your comfort zone, even if you rush two steps, and then take another hundred steps."
But no matter the advance or retreat, each step has its meaning, "If a person has learned helplessness, then she can also have learned bravery." Zhang Chun said.
If you figure this out, life may be easier. In an industry meeting, a colleague who analyzed that the woman who was subjected to domestic violence was her own problem, and Zhang Chun interrupted him very tactfully, "After that, this teacher pointed to my nose and said, you don't want to put on a show."
"I stopped making a sound, I said the teacher is sorry, I was wrong. But I interrupted that conversation in front of the person. Zhang Chun said calmly, "Most of the time I just admit it, but sometimes I think about it and think that I can take a little risk now, and I will sometimes interrupt." ”
It was this attempt that allowed Song Kun to become a captain step by step from a volunteer at the sailing club - there are still countless adventures in this rabbit hole.
After completing the world voyage and familiarizing himself with the waves and sails, Song Kun began to study astronomical navigation and learn mechanical principles. To become a captain, she needs to repair faults and identify directions after a boat accident or electronic navigation failure.
She still has long hair, "I just want them to look at it from afar and know that there is a female captain on the other side, and a female captain can be so handsome." ”
For Lan Yingying, being an actress is still a long practice, but she can experience the richness of life from the exploration of performing again and again. She wants not only "precision" in the lens, but also to understand the character's life off-camera. This may mean that she still has to constantly rise and fall in complicated emotions, but acting is still something she enjoys all the time.
It's the same with Seah. From the beginning of high school exposure to sex education to now full-time in this industry, there are stumbles, happy and proud. "At the end of every lecture, someone would come up to me very sincerely and ask if they could hug me," and many of the things that the girls had never talked about, couldn't talk to, and dared not face up to her. "In the past two or three years, I have heard a lot of sisters coming and saying that they want to be like me to some extent", which made Xeah very proud.
Constantly correct prejudices about the body, constantly emphasize protection about accidents, or comfort one similar trauma after another. But every hug, every gratitude and even a brief conversation sent by a backstage private message is a reason for her to take the next step.
Life after this small step is exciting.
Song Kun looks forward to the next time she goes to sea, Lan Yingying looks forward to the next challenge, Sera is waiting for a different audience and reader, and Zhang Chun occasionally thinks about what her next attempt in life will be like, she may stop being a writer or psychological counselor after a while - no one knows when storms and reefs will come, but they are ready, they have the confidence to break through and move forward.
Zhang Chun said that this is the life of women: "It is a thousand hardships, thousands of difficulties, and it is also infinite, sparkling and silverflower."
(Topical)
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