In life, we can often hear these words: "I'm all for your good, why don't you appreciate it?" "I gave up so much for you, why don't you love me anymore?"
The stability of a relationship requires many factors, and sometimes it only takes a "sense of sacrifice" to stab the relationship to the bone.
What is a "sense of sacrifice",
When you were studying, you gave up a better university for the sake of your beloved him;
At work, you give up better promotion opportunities for your partner;
After getting married, you give up your "wonderful life" for the sake of your children.
The sense of sacrifice in intimate relationships is actually an extremely dangerous signal.
Parents' "sense of sacrifice" can make children full of stress; The "sense of sacrifice" of lovers will make each other suspicious; The "sense of sacrifice" of friends will gradually alienate the two sides.
Parents' "sense of sacrifice" is the biggest burden for children
Many people have heard this story,
There is a mother who leaves the fish belly meat for her children to eat every time she eats fish, and eats the fish head herself.
But before she died, she told her son: "Actually, I don't like to eat fish heads at all." ”
Huang Zhizhong said: "When I heard this story when I was a child, I felt that my mother loved greatness, but when I grew up, I felt that this son was too difficult. ”
The mother used herself to pile up a lifetime of grievances, so that the child lived in guilt for the rest of her life.
Huang Zhizhong made a figurative analogy: "The sense of sacrifice is like a dam, after the dam is built, the moral chips will also increase, and we will use the behavior of "controlling each other" to cash in the chips." ”
Many parents are giving for their children, but not every "sacrifice" can be exchanged for their children's success.
Don't overemphasize your "sacrifice" in order to "control" your child, and don't ruin your child's life with self-righteous love.
Know how to empower the future of children, so that parents' efforts will not be disappointed.
"Sacrificial" can easily derive a sense of self-"moral superiority", which makes parents feel taken for granted when interfering in their children's lives, even unscrupulous.
And what is the result of this? Children will either feel guilty or rebellious.
Do children necessarily like to eat fish belly? Blindly stuff the fish belly to the child and bury the grievances in his heart. ultimately
Children are unhappy, and they will be tired of this "giving".
Some children feel guilty because of this, thinking that they have nothing to repay and can no longer refuse any request from their parents. They also dare not put forward any opinions, and this sense of guilt makes them extremely prone to inferiority and become less and less confident.
And some children feel that everything is taken for granted because they are accustomed to the unconditional dedication of their parents since childhood, and eventually grow up to be giant babies.
For example, Xiong Li, a 52-year-old giant baby in Hunan Province, is married three times and divorced, has not attended a day's work, and is still raised by her 94-year-old mother.
There is almost no remark below the comment area: This is a failure of home education. The cause of the hour, the fruit of growing up.
It has been said: "The lucky heal a lifetime with childhood, and the unfortunate heal childhood with a lifetime." ”
Don't turn giving into a burden, sacrifice is not love, your "sacrifice" may just be wishful thinking.
The "sense of sacrifice" between husband and wife is the catalyst for emotional crisis
In a study of couples' relationships, researchers found that couples who felt they sacrificed more were associated with lower marital satisfaction and higher depressive symptoms.
"I gave so much for this family!" "What have you done?"
Do these two sentences sound familiar? When two people quarrel, at a certain stage, there will inevitably be a debate about self-dedication and sacrifice, and at the same time disparage each other's "inaction".
In a marriage, if the husband and wife always feel self-sacrificing, this "sacrifice" itself is the biggest problem.
Because when you have a sense of "sacrifice," it comes a sense of moral superiority.
You will magnify your suffering, and your giving is not selfless and unrequited, and you will feel that accepting the object of your giving is indebted to you.
It's easy to say "I gave so much for you, how can you..." This kind of questioning is a huge pressure for a partner.
Ms. Zhang turned out to be a white-collar worker, and after giving birth to her child, the dual pressures of work and family often made her feel exhausted and unable to do so. So she chose to quit her job and become a full-time housewife.
At the beginning, she felt that watching her child grow and play with him was an extremely happy thing. But the day-to-day situation made her feel monotonous and boring.
She began to miss the days when she had work, and this dissatisfaction continued to grow, and finally one day her husband's words "Aren't you okay if you stay at home?" "A complete explosion.
The husband and wife began to quarrel over some trivial matters, and finally they could not get along.
Almost every noisy family has a "great victim". Moreover, the more thoroughly the victim sacrifices, the more chaotic the family will be.
A happy marriage is to go hand in hand for the rest of your life, to be a help to each other, and to be willing to dedicate to each other.
In the variety show "Heartwarming Offer", the topic of stay-at-home dads was discussed.
Some guests talked about her not accepting the status of a stay-at-home father or stay-at-home mother, believing that it would cause a lot of burden and lose the channels of communication with society.
Sabine disagrees, arguing that this is the traditional view of education. When full-time does not mean disconnection from society, he is willing to give up his current job and all part-time jobs and devote all his life value to the family.
If you are willing to make a full-time choice for the family from the bottom of your heart, then naturally there is no problem.
But when you make a choice with a "sense of sacrifice", the consequences are endless. When the other person does not fit your heart, this "sense of sacrifice" will jump out, reminding you how disproportionate your hard work is to the reward, and this will slowly consume the entire family.
May you and I be able to live a brilliant and happy life without being shackled by the "sense of sacrifice".
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