| Shi Qian
There was once a couple who came to me for counseling, they were an "old husband and wife" who had been married for seven years, the two were experiencing the "seven-year itch", the feelings were becoming weaker and weaker, and they felt that if they continued like this, the marriage would be really difficult. So, came to me to solve the marriage problem.
This is a very common situation, each relationship has a certain shelf life, if you can not maintain the freshness, then the relationship will be flat as a pool of stagnant water, no longer as sweet and passionate as before, only plain and trivial.
The two sides no longer feel fresh about everything about each other, and then produce an inexplicable tiredness of feelings, the two are just passive "coexistence", and the feelings have entered a period of burnout.
Research has found that relationship burnout significantly reduces a couple's relationship satisfaction (Tsapelas et al., 2009) So how do we create freshness and revitalize the relationship?
Here are some of the scientific advice I've given them, and hopefully it will help you as well.
01
Mobilize each other's emotions and keep love fresh.
Dr. Peter Jonason, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Western Sydney in Australia and author of the study, said women could reap the benefits of deliberately ignoring each other. Because this can test the men they like and enhance their desire to set their sights on themselves.
In addition, because women have the final choice of relationship, they can bear the consequences of wanting to indulge more than men.
Conversely, if men over-perform, they may miss out on opportunities to engage.
From this, we can see that girls have a natural advantage in this regard, to attract boys to invest in their emotions.
For example, girls can first give each other a pleasant experience, and when the other party feels that they are sure of you, withdraw their emotional investment in him: the message does not return in seconds; when the conversation arises, take the initiative to cut off the chat; the other party asks you to meet and promises to refuse once at a time.
In this way, he will not be able to think through you, will be curious about you, and your hot and cold will arouse his emotions.
Of course, you can also make the other party sad for you, let the other party have a little sense of crisis, and constantly pay for you.
In human social relations, the more a person gives to the other person, the more willing he is to continue to give.
In psychology, this phenomenon is known as the Franklin effect, which Franklin once said:
He that has once done you a Kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.
(Once he's helped you once, he's ready to help you again.) ）
Many times you will find that the more a person invests in you, the more difficult it is to let go of you, and the more they will cherish you.
02
Don't rely too much on each other and keep your private space.
Two people have been together for a long time, you have no worries in front of him, the freshness will inevitably decline, and the initial passion of the relationship is difficult to maintain all the time.
Giving each other a certain amount of space and a moderate sense of distance will help to add a bit of mystery and make men love you more.
According to sexual psychology research, men like women, in addition to women's self-confidence, humor, love of romance, excitement and adventure, there are some elements of nothingness and abstraction, including mystery.
For men, the half-hidden, half-hidden woman who wants to refuse to return the favor is the most tempting to him, and this temptation comes from the mysterious and unknowable, which is called "unpredictability" in psychology.
If you want to talk about a long-term relationship, it is best to avoid getting along with each other day and night, give each other more space and freedom, and your relationship will be more stable.
How exactly should we do this?
Simply put, it is to have your own social circle, and don't put all the focus of your life on each other.
Many girls no longer contact their friends after making a boyfriend, and single-mindedly maintain their own small home. This is wrong, boys do not appreciate you for this, but always ignore your feelings.
What we have to do is make the boy realize that without him, our life can be wonderful.
You can go shopping with your sisters, take a walk-and-go trip, or go to some parties with friends of the opposite sex to make him feel a sense of crisis.
If you've been relying on him before and making him feel burned out, you might as well make a change now, think about what your hobbies are, or sign up for a baking class or oil painting class.
In short, concentrate on doing what interests you, no longer surround him, slowly he will realize your change, rekindle the desire to be close to you, after all, who can refuse people who are getting better and better?
03
Cultivate common interests.
Chen Changkai, a famous psychology professor, said:
"Consistency is one of the most important attractions, and occasionally complementarity in some unimportant aspects is OK. But in terms of the three views or some key factors, it should still be better to be similar. ”
Cultivating common interests can increase the links between you and make the relationship closer.
Many couples are usually busy with work, the original passion is worn out in day-to-day life, women are too lazy to clean themselves up, men have lost their freshness, and have "aesthetic fatigue" (loss of interest in people or things, and even a feeling of boredom, boredom or insensitivity).
If you want to add a little freshness to your life, you can cultivate common interests and hobbies, such as you can go diving together, climb mountains, help each other in activities, take care of each other, and increase each other's sense of tacit understanding.
Two people can also play games together, increase each other's sense of cooperation, and increase the common language through games to enhance each other's feelings.
Couples can also try new things together, such as leaving their comfort zone, traveling together, and increasing their dependence on each other in unfamiliar cities.
You can choose some love hotels, the layout of the love hotel is different from the ordinary hotel, which can bring you different external stimuli than before, and increase the passion and pleasure of sex.
In terms of conjugal life, you can also use some props, or try different poses, which will increase the quality of your sex life.
Cultivate common interests and hobbies, two people will have a lot of common language, in the process of experiencing a lot of novel things together, to explore together, naturally, the two people will have a better and better relationship.
04
Learn to surprise.
The theory of self-expansion holds that everyone wants to be able to meet the need to broaden their self through a partner.
Therefore, a partnership that expands our interests, skills, and experiences attracts us, but the longer we spend together, the less self-extension that our partner brings to us.
As two people get to know each other more, the sense of surprise will become less and less, and when there will be no fresh resources left in the partner, we can help us broaden ourselves.
At this time, we must learn to create a sense of surprise ourselves, not only to surprise our partners externally, but also not to ignore our own sense of surprise.
For example, after a day's work, make a meal for him that he loves;
Observe what gifts he wants and secretly buy them for him;
Recall the feelings of the beginning of love, and say some small love words to him every day;
Remember your previous anniversaries and add a sense of ceremony to your life;
Or revisit the place where you once dated and reclaim the passion that was once lost.
At the same time, don't forget to carry out self-transformation, really want a person to never leave you, you must continue to improve the comprehensive value of self, let him continue to find that you have many different aspects, which is also the most powerful guarantee for the long-term relationship.
In fact, the matter of feelings is actually not so complicated, as long as we manage love with our hearts, the flower of love will always bloom undefeated.
Author | Qian Shi, a marriage and family counselor, completed gottman's marriage and family counseling course (first order), long-term study of emotional focus therapy (EFT), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), focusing on the field of marriage and family counseling and therapy for five years. Firmly believe that love is an acquired ability, willing to accompany every you to grow with love and kindness.