I am 34 years old, the deputy general manager of a company, 20,000 before the monthly salary and tax, 168 in height, about 55kg, no house, no car, no marriage, financially no longer in debt, under the management of nearly a hundred people.
But I believe that you can also see from my personal information, in fact, income and position do not match, I know in my heart what is caused by such a situation, it is my own hatred and lust, and I have self-deprecation caused, if it is not once wrong behavior, now I should be a woman with savings, a house and a car, a very blessed and even a very happy marriage.
From the age of 24 to the age of 34 this year, it took me 10 years to fill this self-deprecating pit almost flat, but from time to time I still can't control myself from making such a mistake all the time.
I don't want to suffer the bitter fruit of self-deprecation anymore, today I plucked up the courage to write out my self-desecration experience, sincerely and deeply repentant, I hope that people like me, who are walking on the wrong road before me, must wake up, want a good material life and a happy and smooth emotional marriage, and must not be self-deprecating, otherwise it will be difficult to get rid of the double suffering and suffering of life materially and emotionally.
When I was in elementary school, a few little girls who went to school together in our village, I don't know who started the head, began to have evil thoughts, and the teacherless body had some feelings, and at that time began to leak the blessings of my emotional marriage.
Many parents do not have this awareness at all, and should pay more attention to the body and mind of children, if the correct guidance will not start to make mistakes in this regard from an early age.
Before the evil thought, I did not have to study in primary school, the first person in the class could not surpass, after the beginning of the grade began to decline, once in junior high school, the grades from the primary school has been at the top of the middle to the back, to the second and third grades of the junior high school really how to learn the grades can not do, not to mention the continuous evil thoughts at that time, and finally re-read the junior third. I went to a second-rate high school, but the problem did not change.
Because of the reason why I look ugly, I have not talked about my boyfriend, but I have not talked about my boyfriend in elementary school, but I am addicted to this aspect, I go to high school to watch bad books and movies, I feel irritable for a while, my temper is particularly big, I can't settle my mind, and now I think about it at that time, the leakage of blessings in this regard has been more serious, the mood is irritable Internet addiction, I don't like to learn, I don't respect my parents and teachers, all because of the loss of energy and the lack of righteousness, but this manifestation is just the beginning.
My mother is a student of Buddhism, very religious, in the case of re-studying for a year my mother has been encouraging me, saying that she begged the Buddha to let me take a good exam will definitely be able to get in, and finally even I did not believe it, I was admitted to a good university in our provincial capital, even the class teacher felt that the extraordinary play and review would definitely not be able to get such a result, I was happy to wait for the university.
Before leaving home to go to school, my mother talked to me very seriously, no matter how she went to college, she must not get pregnant, if she is pregnant, she must be born, otherwise she will break off the mother-daughter relationship with me. At that time, I thought that my mother had made a big fuss, and I didn't even have a boyfriend, how could I just get pregnant with someone, I didn't believe me.
But now how I wish my mother had told me that I must not have a relationship with a man before marriage, and if it happened, I would break off the relationship.
Full of joy when I went to college, I met my first love, he was extremely good to me, and now I see that I was not liked by the life committee in the class at that time, I couldn't find a sense of value, plus I lacked love, who was good to me, I was reluctant and didn't believe, and I was still pestering each other.
In our sophomore year, we lived outside in the open house, from the previous evil thoughts to self-deprecation with him, as long as there is a chance to rest and take a break, it is when we are outside to desecrate ourselves.
Whenever I think of this, I can't bear to think that I was so debauched at that time, let alone mention, at that time, the fool did not know that living together before marriage was self-deprecating, and because I did not know how to love each other, but the original thought that living with him could make him understand that I wanted to express my will to live with him for a lifetime, and at that time I did not know how much I had to pay for it.
At that time, I also went with him to the sister's house of our college classmates who had a good relationship, and still desecrated themselves in their dormitories, and in the second half of the third semester of their junior year, they no longer took classes, he followed me to Qingdao to work, we rented a house outside, it had reached the point of unscrupulousness, I felt that I was already a family with him, no matter what we did, we would always be together, naïve and pitiful, we really did not know that the price behind this was something we could not afford.
My classmate his sister and his brother-in-law divorced after we graduated, I later especially regretted it, but did not dare to say it, self-deprecation must not go to other people's homes, and do not create any space for unmarried men and women to desecration, both sides are to betray cause and effect, where to go will destroy the feng shui of where, here sincerely say sorry to them, repent to you!
I went to a public security college, and I was self-deprecating in school, and I didn't know that all the blessings in my career had been erased, and I didn't have the opportunity to take the exam at all, and even if I had the opportunity, I didn't have the time and money to study and take the exam.
After more than two years of college, I went to the city where his family was located, found a job and wanted to continue to be together, but my tragic misfortune began, in the city where his family was located, once we were in a hotel, suddenly the stomach pain was extremely severe, more and more violent, at eight or nine o'clock in the evening, he took me to the Chinese medicine hospital.
In the hospital emergency room, I was in pain to go into shock, the body trembled and was paralyzed and somewhat blurred, the doctor coldly said that he should do the examination first, he took me all the way to check that there was a fluid accumulation in the abdominal cavity, and I did not know whether it was blood or pus and further sampling laboratory tests. A particularly slender needle, drawn from the lower body, abdominal pain plus needles, I have died and come back to life in pain.
Now that I think about it, I can't help but want to cry, at that time I was just living with the doom of hell, and then the examination said that the yellow body ruptured and the abdominal cavity hemorrhagic blood caused abdominal pain, need to do surgery to clean up the blood, you can do minimally invasive during the day, at night can only be the kind of conventional surgery to open the scar, and finally I lay on the operating table and did the operation. After a week in the hospital, I couldn't get out of bed and walk around for the first two or three days, and I could get out of bed and walk slowly in the last two days.
When preparing to be discharged for the examination, he was not at ease to accompany me in, a male doctor, holding a long probe stick, very casually said to lie down and open his legs, and then put the probe stick directly from below, and then looked at the computer screen, my boyfriend at that time was watching, I suddenly felt so unbearable in my heart, he also had such a thought in his heart, I could feel it.
I have fallen to such a point, people in the hospital, there is no dignity at all, no matter who you are, no matter how the heart turns the river and the sea, in the face of physical diseases in the hospital, people have no ability to resist.
After being discharged from the hospital, the boyfriend did not contact me much, did not stop for three months he mentioned the breakup with me, I was very painful, he made me understand that he really wanted to break up with me, said that it was because there was another girl who was very good to him and said that he loved him, he liked her, because he always quarreled with me, she always comforted him. My world collapsed completely.
When I broke up, I was 24 years old, because at that time, I had been self-deprecating myself for two or three years, and my brain and body had been seriously injured without knowing it, which was equivalent to living in pain every moment. Because of my paranoia, I began to frantically search for the reason why I would get such a fate, I was not willing to be split, I did not want to let go of my love for him, I could not understand how I had been so loving before, but now I have to part ways and no longer matter.
Because my worldview collapsed, I was very persistent and had to find the root cause of this result. Grateful for the compassion of the teacher, but also because my mother studied Buddhism, I read a lot of books on gender relations, personality colors, enneagram personality, and even the Bible of Jesus Christ, and finally dabbled in Buddhist books, watched videos to solve questions and answers, and suddenly Mao Setun began to change his behavior and thoughts completely.
From the age of 24, he repented, abstained from lust, abstained from drinking and meat, and turned to filial piety to his parents and offerings to the Buddha, hoping to save himself from suffering. I have been abstaining from committing crimes and committing vows, and I have been gradually until now, and the real transformation will only begin in 2020, and I will no longer be in debt.
For 10 years, I lived in a materially turbulent living environment of wandering, not making enough money to spend. In the past 10 years, I have constantly done good deeds and changed my thoughts to correct my behavior, and sometimes I can't control my own evil thoughts and behaviors, but I am more awake and more energetic to change my bad habits.
I write out my most unbearable experience to friends who are experiencing or just fall in love with a negative teaching material, first love is beautiful, but now the social atmosphere is not good, if you start to fall in love, if you still have a more open concept of gender relations, self-deprecation will soon appear, if you can really bear the results of 10 years of poverty like me, you then consider whether to have a relationship with each other.
This constant pain, just for the pleasure of that moment and the proof that you love him, is the most superficial and unworthy sacrifice.
I hope that all the girls in the world are clean and self-righteous, all boys are upright, and their minds and energy are focused on improving themselves to become the pillars of society, and the consequences of self-deprecation are a devastating blow to children who have their own ambitions, and will make you live a depressed and painful life all the time.