Have you ever seen such an interview survey, the program invited 73 mothers and children to participate in an interview.
First ask the mothers: "Give your child a score, 10 out of 10, how many points will you score?" "The mothers spoke out a lot of shortcomings and gave their children a 5-8 rating:
He always liked to wipe his mouth with his sleeves;
He just refuses to eat well, and doesn't like to eat any green vegetables;
Cry five or six times a day;
Asked why he couldn't hear if he had ears, he said his ears were jammed...
On the other hand, when the children scored their mothers, all the children scored perfectly without thinking.
In the eyes of children, parents are particularly perfect, but in the eyes of parents, children have various shortcomings.
1
Problem perspectives & advantage perspectives
Once I shared the opening interview with Ms. Huang Jingjie (Mommy Jane) and wanted to hear her opinion.
Ms. Jing Jie is an expert in parent-child education between Chinese and Western, the founder of Parents' Hall, and the author of "The Pattern of Parents" and "The Pattern of Learning". She has accompanied the two boys in the family for two 18 years, on this topic, Teacher Jing Jie told me about the experience of her eldest son: ▼
My eldest son and I had some discussions in his fourth grade, hoping to uncover an advantage for self-development. He gave me a list of strengths and abilities, including sports, hospitality, kindness, love of speech, helpfulness, like to perform, desire to lead, etc.; Weak abilities include not being good at time management, easy to forget things, unable to stop, no musical talent, and dislike of mathematics.
We both laughed and went through the projects and decided to make leadership his strength because all of his strengths were related to others and his community, and he had a clear altruistic tendency. In order to implement this advantage matrix, we began to study various student activities on campus, and I encouraged him to participate in the student council selection on campus.
In the end, he received the only student leadership award from the school when he graduated from elementary school.
Here Teacher Jing Jie talked about a concept that I did not understand - "advantageous perspective".
We generally use a "problem perspective" in our children's education, focusing on "what is wrong with you".
Caught in a single perspective on the problem, like the only tool around is a hammer, to see the child is to see the ta is not good enough, each problem is like a nail.
There is also a term in positive psychology called "dominant perspective." It is a perspective that focuses on people's inner strength and superior resources, emphasizing "diluting problems and focusing on advantages".
Parents often strive to improve their children's shortcomings while ignoring the importance of developmental strengths. Although I know that I should give full play to my strengths and avoid my weaknesses, when I act, I will still involuntarily "make up for my weaknesses". If you can shift perspectives and shift your focus from "problems" to "strengths", then problems can be elevated to opportunities.
From Jing Jie's teacher's narration, I learned that it is necessary to find hidden talents from the "shortcomings" of children, and shift the focus from "where children do not do well" to "where children do well".
2
From birth to adolescence
Pattern nurturing spanning 18 years
Recently, I bought a new book in Jing Jie's "Pattern Parenting" series, "The Pattern of Time", and after reading it, I had a new harvest.
"Pattern of Time" from the span of eighteen years of time dimension, four periods of early development to write about parenting, to provide parents with a scientific parenting map from birth to adolescence, no matter how old your child is, no matter which stage of parenting, there is an opportunity to open the perspective, expand thinking, back and forth to observe the whole process of parenting. (For the readers of the parent hall to win the benefits of book donation, the end of the message to participate in Oh!) ）
After reading the first two days, I was very pleasantly surprised, and each small chapter gave me a new experience. For example, the "advantageous perspective" mentioned above, Teacher Jing Jie talked about the scene of her sharing meeting in the book, and some parents often came to her to talk about the problems of their children. ▼
One of the parents had this problem: "My child is good at everything, but he is not learning well." He can only get 98 points per exam, why can't he get a perfect score? When I check the exam papers, it is caused by carelessness, how can I make him not careless? ”
In this mother's eyes, no matter how good her children achieve, she will demand her children with a higher goal. For example, if she scored 100 points in mathematics this time, she would immediately ask why she lost 3 points in Chinese? In fact, the mother's perfect demands deprive the child of a sense of learning achievement and damage the child's self-confidence to the greatest extent.
Teacher Jing Jie was at the sharing meeting
The situation described in Ms. JingJie's book reminds me of my neighbor, Ms. H, who often shows me the transcript of her son Xiao H, because in the lower grades of primary school, there are no grades, only grades, there are several grades below the B, and there are individual Cs.
H's mother often focuses on these weaknesses to ask what is the reason for Xiao H, whether it is not playing well or not understanding, and then will pay attention to the achievements of Xiao H.
In fact, Little H has a large string of A's, H's mother did not see, only stared at those few B and C.
On the one hand, the child will have the mentality of "no matter what I do, you will not be satisfied", on the other hand, it will always be picked wrong, and it will lose the motivation to progress, and the self-motivation and internal drive of TA will naturally be "strangled".
Teacher Jing Jie also mentioned a more positive example around her: ▼
There is a child who loves to run, every day at noon other children are taking a lunch break, he will go to the playground in circles, the mother with a heart to help him sign up for the school's football class, and then the child kicked into the school team, and then became the captain of the football school team. The parent told me that since his child entered the school team, his academic performance has never fallen behind, because he has a self-discipline requirement for himself.
Looking back at this child's development from spontaneous running behavior to becoming the soul of the football varsity team, it has a lot to do with the fact that the mother dares to let the child spend time practicing and allows the child to work hard for what he is good at.
After identifying strengths and creating an environment that provides opportunities, allow children to invest time and effort. In the matter of effort, if parents are too stingy and set too many forbidden areas, then children may miss the opportunity to develop their greatest advantages.
In order to enhance the internal driving force of children's active learning, Jing Jie teacher mentioned that around the child's advantages and abilities, amplifying the advantages is a good way, "focusing on the development of advantages" is to give children the greatest external motivation motivation.
3
With the "Pattern of Time"
Open a map of your child's 18 years of growth
The most touching thing about "The Pattern of Time" is that I think the most meaningful thing is that no matter how old my daughter is now, in the time dimension spanning eighteen years, looking forward, I can find many problems in parenting in the past, can find the reasons for them, and can avoid them in the future; Looking back, I can find better parenting methods in the future.
My daughter Xiaohua's writing has always been a problem, when she first came into contact with composition, she was very afraid of writing essays, taking her early works, basically making up the number of words and writing randomly.
Later, I tried to use the advantages mentioned by Teacher Jing Jie to see Xiaohua's composition, and I no longer criticized her, nor did I increase the pressure on her to apply for the composition class, but just let her show me each composition.
It doesn't matter if it's not well written, I pick a wonderful part from it to give her a review. At the beginning, there were really no highlights, so I circled a few words that she wrote well, such as "This is particularly good", there are words that can be circled, and I will tell her the relevant good words and good sentences. Later, more and more highlights can be circled, from a word to a sentence to a small paragraph are good.
Last week, I saw Teacher Jing Jie again, and I talked to her about the progress of Xiaohua's composition, and she was also very happy, she told me: ▼
If we look at it from the perspective of the problem, we can indeed see a lot of shortcomings of the child, but if we look for the positive side in the child's imperfection, from the perspective of advantage, we can see a real and vital child, and the TA will become more and more excellent.
Especially in the early stage of development, parents should see more, praise more, and support their children's advantageous ability items, focus less, criticize less, and attack less of their children's weak ability items. A child who is sunny and firm in his heart will definitely use his strengths to drive his weaknesses to flourish.
Jing Jie teacher's book, very worth reading, the integration of Chinese and Western culture of parenting concepts, "pattern parenting" series of the first book "parents' pattern" to help parents understand the children, the second "pattern of learning" so that children learn to learn independent learning, this time the new book "Pattern of Time" explores the pattern of parenting from birth to adolescence.
I asked Teacher Jing Jie why she chose such a "spanning 18 years" time angle to write?
Teacher Jing Jie said that developmental psychology divides the early development of people into four periods, and children in each period have different cognitive levels and different parenting points. However, most of us parents only focus on one thing and that is learning and grades. Therefore, I especially want to convey a new concept: in the first eighteen years of the development of a child's life, personality development must precede intellectual development, and only by laying the foundation for the four pillars of character, namely, a sense of autonomy, self-esteem, a sense of achievement and a sense of value, can the child's talents and abilities blossom and bear fruit in a "natural way".
Regarding education, many people mention "100,000 whys", and Teacher Jing Jie answers "what to do with 100,000".
In the past, I also had many clients who asked me macro, meso and micro questions about education, and in many cases I could not do anything about it, but now I know how to answer them: "You can go and read Jing Jie's book, you will definitely find the answer!" ”