Author: Creative Group Mu Coco
During the epidemic, parents and children spend more time together, and conflicts also increase.
Last week my girlfriend cried to me that she almost got into a fight with her son.
The girlfriend's son borrowed his mobile phone to write homework and secretly played games. After the girlfriend found out, she criticized a few words, but she did not expect that the girlfriend's son not only did not admit his mistake, but also said: "Why did you sneak into my room?" ”
The enraged girlfriend also scolded back without a word: "I am your mother, why can't I enter your room?" And you don't learn to play games and still have a face to face? I'll confiscate the phone for you now! ”
At the moment when the girlfriend went to grab the mobile phone, the girlfriend's son also threw the mobile phone over with a gamble, just smashing it on the girlfriend's stomach, causing her to scream in pain.
The girlfriend cried on the phone and said: "Raising a child for more than ten years, the first time I cried so sadly, it was not how painful my stomach was, but I saw that the child's eyes were full of hatred for me." Adolescence is so scary, I really don't want to deal with it. ”
British psychoanalyst Winnicott said: "If a child wants to become an adult, it is necessary to step on the body of an adult to complete this path of growth." ”
A child's puberty is indeed difficult, but adolescence is also the last chance that children leave to their parents. Psychological research believes that adolescence is the golden period of children's personality shaping, and it is the golden repair period that connects childhood and adulthood. Be sure to seize this opportunity to make up for the lack of love and education in your child's early years.
When a child is adolescence, parents cannot be hard-wired or left alone. Do 4 changes well, better than 10,000 truths.
Change the order of discipline, build trust first and then guide education
The famous psychologist Jane Nelson shared this story in the book "Positive Discipline of Teenage Children":
A father and his son got into a fight. Since high school, my son has met a group of fox friends, learned to smoke and drink, and came home late at night.
The father was so angry that he grounded his son, confiscated his son's mobile phone, and yelled at his son: "You will ruin yourself like this!" ”
But to no avail, the son became more rebellious.
Desperate, my father signed up for a family education class.
The teacher told him not to rush to correct the child's behavior, first establish a relationship of trust, spend more time with the child, and the situation will slowly improve.
At first, the father did not think so, thinking that things were not so simple, but he decided to go to school every Wednesday at noon to accompany his son to dinner.
The first lunch of the two fathers and sons was spent in silence, and even as soon as the son saw his father, he asked provocatively, "What are you here for?"
After eating for three consecutive weeks, the son's distrust gradually disappeared, and he began to talk to his father about some small things in life, and his father would also talk about small things in his life, and sometimes recall funny things about his son's childhood. At the same time, he also followed the advice of the teacher, refraining from criticism and preaching, and trying to affirm his son.
After three months, the son's behavior began to change quietly, no longer disrespecting his parents, reducing the number of times he fooled around with friends, and even asking his parents about college entrance examinations and future work.
Jane Nelson explained that the rebellious teenager was able to get back on the right track because he finally felt his father's unconditional love and trust.
The father also reflected at the sharing meeting that the previous ten years of giving the child too little companionship, when the child's behavior was out of line, it was suddenly strictly controlled, so that the child thought that the father did not love him and regarded him as a trouble. And when he began to eat with the child, express his love for the child, affirm the child, and give the child sincere and useful advice, the child gradually became willing to get close to him and listen to his advice.
Adolescent children are very screwed, want to be independent but not capable enough to be independent, so they want to get rid of their parents on the surface, but there are many doubts in their hearts that they want to ask their parents for help.
As long as parents first establish a close and trusting parent-child relationship with their children, children will naturally confide in their parents and are willing to listen to their parents' suggestions.
As Jane Nelson has always emphasized in her book, the best way to win over teenage kids is to create intimacy and trust, not alienation and hostility.
When relationships are intimate and trusting, discipline can happen naturally.
Silent companionship, special time together, unhurried denial and preachy listening are all medicines for building intimate and trusting relationships.
There are also many ways to accompany: eat more with your child, do things that you are interested in with your child, and travel with your child.
Change your focus, look less at grades and care more about your children
Some time ago, my cousin asked me for help, saying that her daughter Xiaoyue, who was in the first year of junior high school, suddenly did not want to go to school, and her grades plummeted. His temperament also changed greatly, he became less talkative, and he shut himself in his room every day.
I was surprised to hear it, because Xiaoyue this child I grew up watching, from the first grade of primary school, the grade is the top ten of the grade, it can be said that it is both excellent in character and learning.
My cousin asked me if it was really puberty that the child began to rebel?
I told her that things were not so simple, and that Something might have happened to Xiaoyue. Suggest that she find an opportunity to talk to Xiao Yue.
Later, my cousin told me that Xiaoyue had indeed encountered something. Last semester, when the class cadres ran, Xiao Yue and her good friend ran for the same position, Xiao Yue was elected, but the good friend fell on the list. After that, Xiao Yue's good friend began to win over other classmates and isolate Xiao Yue together. Now Xiao Yue is very painful when she thinks of going to school, so she is tired of school, and her mood continues to be low, and even the idea of taking her life lightly appears.
The cousin was very worried and took Xiaoyue to see a psychologist, and the results showed moderate to severe depression.
The cousin said that she blamed her, when Xiaoyue was isolated by her good friend, she was taking care of her sick mother in her hometown, ignoring Xiaoyue's emotional changes. The brother-in-law's education of children is relatively simple and rude, and seeing that Xiaoyue's grades have declined, it is not to say that teaching is scolding, which makes Xiaoyue more uncomfortable.
According to the laws of child psychopology, adolescent children develop the ability to truly imagine and worry about the future, and lack confidence in themselves, so they are prone to anxiety and depression.
Although they often act as indifferent, in fact, academic, social, and self-development pressures can make them collapse.
If the parents' discipline is improper and ignores the child's emotional changes, it is likely to worsen into psychological problems.
According to the 2020 "China National Mental Health Development Report", the detection rate of depression among adolescents in mainland China is 24.6%, that is, 1 out of 5 children are deeply troubled by depression.
Therefore, as a parent of adolescent children, do not only pay attention to academic performance, but also pay attention to the psychological problems of adolescence. If it is found that the child's grades have dropped significantly, they are bored with school, and there are obvious changes in preferences, appetite, sleep status, and dating circles, etc., and they must be intervened in time.
The problem of really annoying the child is solved, and the child will communicate with the parents normally.
Change the mentality of education, less command and more respect
Li Meijin said:
"As long as the child is over 12 years old, the first thing parents have to do is to adjust their mentality, don't treat the child as a 'subordinate', and treat the child as a 'colleague'."
Many adolescent children become increasingly rebellious, starting with their parents disrespecting them.
In the TV series "Little Joy", Ji Shengli is a father who does not know how to respect his children. He was the district chief, but he sometimes treated his son Ji Yangyang like a subordinate.
"I want to criticize you, you must pay attention to your own words and deeds, you are my son ji shengli, how do you want to do it", this is what Ji Shengli often said to Ji Yangyang;
Ji Yangyang likes go-karts, he said that Ji Yangyang does not do his job and wastes his youth;
Ji Yang Yang Kai's uncle's Ferrari went to school, and the classmate Fang Yifan clashed, and Fang Yifan made a spoof meme, Ji Shengli did not understand the reason for the matter, he forced Ji Yangyang to write an apology letter, when the teacher and classmates read in person;
Ji Yangyang said in the apology letter that Ji Shengli was an incompetent father, and Ji Shengli slapped Ji Yangyang on the spot...
Fortunately, after the advice of his wife Liu Jing, Ji Shengli realized his problems and began to respect and understand the children. Talk no longer official, take the initiative to apologize to the child. To get to know your child's preferences, experience go-karts and online games for yourself.
In the end, Ji Shengli finally reconciled with Ji Yangyang, and Ji Yangyang no longer confronted his father, no longer did not return home at night, but spent his energy on learning.
Educator Tao Xingzhi said: Everyone says that children are small, and who knows that small people are not small. If you look down on a child, you are even smaller than a child.
Even the youngest children have self-esteem, while adolescent children are in the stage of transformation into adults, more eager for the respect of others, especially hate parents to see themselves as children.
The most important principle with adolescent children is respect.
The respect of parents can win the respect of children. Parents are willing to put their posture and talk to their children, and the children will sit down and listen to their parents.
Respect for children, we must pay attention to the way of speaking, less orders and more consultation;
Respect children, we must pay attention to criticism occasions, less public criticism, try to privately inquire and guide;
Respect the child, we must pay attention to respect the child's ideas, less coercion and more trust and letting go.
Change the way you communicate and try to communicate with your child in the form of letters
Read the story of an internet addicted boy.
When he was in junior high school, the boy was fascinated by the Internet and soaked in the Internet café every day. Once, when his father came to the Internet café to look for him, when he found him, he did not scold, but looked behind him for 10 minutes and then left.
The next day at school, the father said to the boy, "Son, there is something on the sewing machine that you hold." ”
It turned out to be a letter from a father to the boy:
Son, Dad went to the Internet café yesterday, saw you playing games, knew that you wanted face in front of your classmates, and did not dare to disturb you. I came back all night without closing my eyes, and my mind was full of what you looked like when you were a child. I don't know where the obedient son when he was a child went. Your class teacher is going to give up on you, and your mother also said to resign herself to fate, but I am your father, my adopted son, I know in my heart, you are just lost, and your father will definitely take you home...
There was a letter on the sewing machine every week thereafter. Gradually, the boy was finally awakened by his father's letters, quit the game, studied hard, and was admitted to the Chinese Academy of Sciences.
The boy said that the letters were still kept, and that every sentence in them was full of his father's deep love, genuine concern, and encouragement.
In "The Little Prince", there is a sentence that says: The most conquering weapon in the world is language, a sentence can make a person's mood fall to the bottom, and a sentence can also make a person regain his strength.
Writing letters is well-thought-out language, an exchange of love and affection. Children enter adolescence, in order to avoid the conflict scene between the tip of the needle and Mai Mang, it is better to write love and care into the letter.
But the principle of writing to children is still not to rush to preach and deny, but to express love, care, respect and encouragement, and finally to make sincere suggestions.
Wu Jun, a former tencent vice president and computer scientist, once wrote a book called "Attitude", which contained 40 letters he wrote to his adolescent daughter.
Even though Wu Jun is already a successful person, there is no sense of superiority in every letter, more like a friend who is sincerely worried about you, cares about you, and wants to help you, and is discussing with you how to solve this problem.
The sentences often seen in the letter are "Recently Dad saw that you had a problem with so-and-so, and I was a little worried..." "I know you can solve this problem, but I also have some suggestions for you to think about." ”
Discipline is premised on ensuring that the message of love is passed on to the child. This is true of face-to-face communication, as well as writing letters.
Write at the end:
Writer Liu Na once shared this passage with parents of adolescence:
Thank you and willing to be my child.
I believe in you as I believe in myself.
I respect you because you can be yourself.
I chose to side with you because your problems are our common ones.
Adolescence is a challenge for children to give their parents, but also an opportunity for their parents.
Many educational problems cannot be solved overnight, and this is especially true of the educational problems of adolescence.
As long as parents have enough love and patience, are willing to spend time with their children, listen and understand their children with their hearts, and trust and respect their children from the bottom of their hearts, they will one day win their children and move towards victory. Share!
Author: Mu Keke, an education industry practitioner, a post-90s mother, advocating scientific parenting and happy parenting. While earning money to support the family, I worked hard to learn to be a 60-point mother. New Oriental Family Education (ID: xdfjtjy) transmits the concept of professional family education, provides family education information at home and abroad, and shares absorbable and operable methods and suggestions. Let continuous learning become a habit of the family.