Mother's Day Album No. 1
Author: Editorial Board of Daily Supplement
Respondent: Li Xiaomeng (famous host, media person, education expert)
Liu Na (former media person, writer, national second-level psychological counselor, person in charge of the public account "Idle Flowers", and spiritual friend of 1 million readers and fans)
Wang Yan (Leader of Chinese Teaching and Research Team of the Affiliated Middle School of Chinese Min University)
Editor's Note
On the occasion of Mother's Day on May 8th, we launched the fourth season of "Daily Supplement Questionnaire", inviting nine guests to share their stories with their mothers and their understanding of maternal love.
Some people say that maternal love is like a mountain, maternal love is like a tide, compared to the gorgeous metaphor, maternal love is the warmth and companionship that really exists in life, it is the trivial delicacy between chai rice oil and salt, and it is the concern of countless times of tossing and turning. The years stole away the mother's youth, but every day with your company the mother remembers.
Maybe we have disputes and misunderstandings with our mothers, but when time dilutes childishness and recklessness, when we are also parents, we can understand the reluctance of hugging and the preciousness of understanding; perhaps the mother in our eyes is mediocre and trivial, but it is easy to ignore that she is in addition to the role of mother, or there is a shining other side.
May time be gentle and make every mother's life polished by the years become warm and bright; may the human world be good, so that every mother can be surrounded by love and understanding. Mother's Day is only a day in May, and the long river of our emotions with our mothers flows day and night, year after year.
How do you usually spend Mother's Day each year? How do you get along with your mother on weekdays?
Li Xiaomeng: Our family does not deliberately celebrate Mother's Day, on this day, I will have a simple expression, such as sending a greeting, or buying a bouquet of flowers. My mom and I have always lived together, she is 79 years old this year and I have always been considerate and caring for her, especially her health. She also took great care of me, still like a child, although I was about to turn 50 and my mother helped me with my daughter. We help each other to let love flow.
My mom and I were making a switch between strengths and weaknesses. When I was a child, my mother was of course strong and capable, independent, and took good care of me. As I grew up and became a mother, my mother became more and more under my care and care. This kind of position conversion, both sides feel very good, my mother will feel that I have old and dependent, and I will feel that I have the ability to feed back.
Liu Na: My mother is 71 years old, I am 41 years old, and my son is 12 years old. My mother was a farmer, I worked in the city after I went to school, and my children became city babies. I rarely give my mothers a Mother's Day, but I call them on Mother's Day, Father's Day, and sometimes write about memories and their past. In the countryside, except for the Spring Festival, other festivals are not important.
But my son would give me Mother's Day since he was a child, sometimes with a painting, a handicraft, sometimes with his old age money to invite me to dinner. I think it's the different circumstances of three generations that determine how much we value rituals and festivals.
My relationship with my mother went through three stages: when I was young, I was afraid of her because she was a very anxious person, like many mothers who had suffered; when I grew up, especially after becoming a mother, I tried to understand her, especially when some of the traits she inherited to me began to repeat themselves in me; later, I tried to accept her, and I gave permission to do whatever she said.
I found that when I changed my mindset, I found that my mother was actually cute too. When her children grow up, she can finally be herself.
Wang Yan: My mother is 78 years old this year, and she loves beauty and flowers by nature. Mother's Day gifts I usually revolve around these hobbies of my mother, sometimes ordering a bouquet of flowers for her, sometimes buying a beautiful dress or a silk scarf, sometimes sending a red envelope to invite her to eat a meal, and sometimes collecting beautiful photos taken for her on weekdays to make a beautiful article. Mother will always be happy to receive my gift.
I don't live with my mother, she is close to my sister, usually my sister takes care of a lot, I mostly make voice or video calls, and often deliver supplies through online shopping platforms. In the spring, I usually take my mother to live for a while, and accompany her to the Summer Palace in the early morning of the weekend to see the West Causeway where the peach blossoms first bloom, and to the Yuanmingyuan to see the black swans with royal temperament, I will inevitably take some beautiful photos. During the holidays, I would sometimes go to my mother's place for two days and accompany her to the garden to see the flowers.
Please describe a picture of the happiest person with your mother and the greatest desire for "time to stand still in that moment".
Li Xiaomeng: It should be said that it is a time to be considerate and cared for. When I was a child, I showed an interest in literature and art, and once I took the bus alone to host a literary and art show in The Dongcheng District of Beijing. When I arrived at the scene, I found the hall empty and panicked. I was a schoolboy at the time. Took the bus back home again. It was a Friday, my mother was on Friday, and she was making handmade ketchup at home, spreading tomatoes and bottles and cans on the ground. I came back crying and saying, "Mom, I can't find them anymore." "My mom took off her apron at that moment, pulled me on the 28 men's bike, put me on the frame, and flew off. She took me to the performance location, and it turned out that I had misremembered and was not late. I was getting ready to go on stage, but my mom didn't go to the audience, she got on her bike and went home to make ketchup.
I still remember it to this day. My mother unconditionally shielded me from the wind and rain and helped me solve my difficulties, and this love was also very directly passed on to me and reflected in my relationship with my daughter. Once, my daughter went to school, she got on the school bus, and I was walking home, and suddenly the school bus aunt called me and said, your daughter forgot to bring a flute. I dropped my work and took the flute to school and put it in her locker. As soon as I looked up, I saw my daughter standing there in the far side of the corridor. She was surprised to see me and ran over to me and threw herself into my arms and hugged me tightly. I kissed her and told her the flute was in the cupboard, and at that moment I didn't blame her for forgetting something, just trying to solve her problems. Of course, she was not spoiled, but became particularly attentive to storage and tidying up, so as not to let her dear ones run more. I think this way of loving is passed down.
Liu Na: The happiest time I had with my mother was when I returned to my hometown and sat in the courtyard with her, the sun shining on the trees and flowers, shining on our mother and son, my mother and I talked about the current situation and gossip of old relatives, and I recalled my memories of the characters in her mouth while listening. This feeling, when she came to the city where I lived, would not have it. Because when she came to live with me, it was difficult to relax. She belongs to her own native kingdom, she loves her hometown, and I like my hometown.
Wang Yan: In the hospital ward, in the middle of the night, my mother did not sleep peacefully, and the slight moans made from time to time were painful. It's been a long time since I've seen my mother so closely, the woman who gave me life to accompany me growing up, raising me, educating me, achieving me, and growing old after a lifetime of hard work. At this point I just thought she was beautiful, even her wrinkles were beautiful. In November last year, my mother underwent a gynecological organ removal operation, a full 5 hours, the toss and fright during various preoperative examinations, and the anesthetic reaction, my mother seemed to be smaller at once. I stayed in the hospital for 10 days, during which I mainly accompanied me. Every day at two o'clock to accompany my mother, I actually have a feeling of happiness. The company of the dim light night always reminds me of when we were sick when we were young, my mother bought us canned fruit; we didn't like to eat calcium tablets, she always secretly broke them and mixed them into the rice for us to eat. My mother woke up, looked at me very relieved, and urged me to go to sleep quickly. I said in my heart: Mom, don't be afraid, there is me.
In addition to the role of mother, the woman is still a social person. What were your memories of when your mother was most attractive, radiant and warm outside the home? Please pick one or two scenes or stories that will impress you the most.
Li Xiaomeng: My mother is the eldest sister of 8 children in her mother's house, and she has a kind of mother-like care for her brothers and sisters. She was in love with my dad, and my aunt was the youngest of 8 kids and still in elementary school, so my mom and dad were both dating with a schoolboy.
My mother used to work as a doctor in the infirmary of a large factory, and sometimes I followed her to work, writing homework in the infirmary, following her to the cafeteria to eat, and being teased by the aunts. I could feel that mom was a very popular doctor. She's not very lively and outgoing, but she's steady and cares about these workers, so they all love to share it with my mom. My mother's ability to call people good in the past and now to build good social relations is very strong. I wasn't able to be like her, but I found that my daughter had the ability of my mom, like a talent.
Liu Na: My mother is not a professional woman, and I can only answer this question from the side. I am a professional woman who worked in the news media for 16 years, and then quit my job to start a business, which is a relatively busy mother. My son once made small talk to me, and he said that if he got married in the future, he must marry a strong woman's wife. I asked him why, and he replied, "Women who are busy with their careers don't be too harsh on their families." My classmate's mother didn't have a job, she managed him every day, interfered with him, and he was miserable. I don't, you're always busy with your own business and let me decide for myself. But Mom, I still love you. I also know you love me. ”
I think it's a child's perspective. In his opinion, being his own mother makes people relax and is also very beautiful.
Wang Yan: When my mother was young, she dropped out of school because she had to take care of her grandmother who was seriously ill in bed, and she did not finish primary school, which is my mother's eternal regret and pain. But the mother was a wise woman, very studious. I remember that when she was young, she taught herself to sing and taught women of the same age to sing and led them to rehearse the show. At that time, I was very young, and many aunts often came to the family to learn to sing with my mother. When she came to Beijing at an old age, her mother has always insisted on fitness, taught herself a lot of tricks, baduanjin, Taiji sword, Wudang sword, Mulan sword, fan dance, Tibetan dance, Xinjiang dance, etc., which are very prestigious in their community, and there are a lot of big aunts and aunts. My mother would shyly and proudly tell me that they all called her Professor Lian. Once I was able to get a close look at Professor Lian's style, a set of swords down, a little fairy, extraordinary style, as if i changed a person, I almost want to worship her.
Talk about what "words and deeds" of your mother have had the greatest impact on you? Will you continue these methods and ideas as you educate the next generation?
Liu Na: My mother is the most simple Chinese people, Chinese common enthusiasm and help, she has, of course, also loves face, always attaches great importance to the evaluation of others. When I was a child, my family improved my life, fried fritters, stewed lamb, and made meat buns, and she would let our brothers and sisters try them all for our neighbors. This quality of sharing has undoubtedly affected our brothers and sisters. I give readers a voluntary psychological counseling today, which is also one of the expressions of sharing.
Wang Yan: In my memory, my mother's tutoring is still relatively strict, and I can't spit my mouth when I eat, I can't talk loudly, and I definitely can't go to other people's side to "pick and pull". Although my mother did not graduate from elementary school, she learned brush characters from my grandfather, and she taught us to write brush characters, and the mothers on our side at that time did not do this. My mother's biggest influence on me was to urge us to study, she said that she did not go to school enough, let us study well. Now I have changed my destiny with knowledge, half of which I owe to my mother.
Have you experienced the "rebellious period" and "misunderstanding period" of the mother-child (female) relationship? As you grow older and have more experience in life, when and in what way did you "forgive" and "reconcile"?
Li Xiaomeng: In the eyes of my parents, I have always been a very well-behaved and obedient girl, and I don't let people bother. In adolescence, I was also a school and a family, no absenteeism, no early love, no big mistakes. First, our family is not a very authoritarian family with very authoritarian parents, there are things that can be communicated and do not need to resist; second, the living environment is simple, it does not inspire rebellion, and there is no need to become an independent individual. So my adolescence was postponed until I became a mother and quickly became a complete independent individual. My feeling is that the family should give the child enough self-space and time to give him the opportunity to rebel and explore himself. If adolescence moves back, and then explores in adulthood, in fact, the time cost and psychological cost will be greater.
Liu Na: My teenager did not agree with some of my mother's evaluations and attacks, but I did not dare to resist her. This may be a dark wound shared by poor children with inferiority: there is no period of rebellion. Fearing that bumping into one's parents and expressing oneself would be seen as unfilial or sad for adults, I learned to hide my emotions. Over time, self-aggression is particularly strong. This is also one of the reasons why obedient children have more psychological problems.
Later, when I grew up, I felt that what I thought in my heart and what I said and did were often inconsistent. Duplicity is the fundamental problem of not daring to be true to oneself. I went to read psychology, knew myself from the source, and completed my self-redemption.
I resigned at the age of 38 and changed to a city life, which can be understood as middle-aged rebellion - teenagers have no rebellion, middle age can be achieved, the purpose is to achieve "my life I decide" sense of control.
Wang Yan: My father suddenly left us at the age of 55, and I had not yet made any mental preparations for life and death in the first year of my establishment. At that time, I felt that the sky had fallen. After two years, my uncle added an uncle to his mother, who is also the person who has been living with his mother now. At that time, we could not come out of the grief of losing our father, and I think so did my mother. Therefore, I was very embarrassed in my heart, and I also had unpleasant and even gambling with my mother. But as an adult, I quickly understood the emotional gap and unquenchable loneliness that my father's death brought to my mother, and later we got along well with my uncle, and we were like family for many years.
Lu please recommend a book or film and television work depicting mother, maternal love or mother-child (female) relationship, what is the reason for your recommendation?
Li Xiaomeng: I prefer to recommend movies that can be seen with my mother and daughter, not necessarily around maternal love, for example, I and my daughter like to watch "Frozen" and "Ocean Strange" very much, discuss the female characters here, the princesses break the old story mode of Snow White and Cinderella waiting for love or men to redeem, become the real master, find the real self, have a sense of responsibility, dare to take responsibility. I want to portray to my child the multiple sides of a girl, not necessarily to be a good wife and mother, or to be alone, she should know that there are many choices, but to suit herself.
Liu Na: I recommend "Special Heart, Special Love", written by Salad, a Jewish descendant born in Shanghai. Through her own personal experience of the contrast between Chinese education and Jewish education, she shared with each mother how to be herself and how to educate her children.
Wang Yan: Shi Tiesheng's "I and the Temple of Earth" and "Autumn Nostalgia" will shed tears every time I read it. Stetson wrote about his regrets and regrets after his mother's death. I hope that young friends can read it, and I hope that we can learn to understand our parents and live in peace and friendship with them. Know that the people in this world who love you the most and never abandon you must be your parents. Be their friends when they are healthy, be comforted when they are sick, and feel overflowing with love when they nag.
When your mother is getting older, what are you most worried about about her, and how did you get involved in your mother's later life? If it's still too late, do you have anything you particularly want to do with your mother?
Li Xiaomeng: My mother has always lived with me, and I care about her health and make arrangements for holidays. I can feel deeply how happy my parents were when my daughter was born. Because of that love of life, they are more motivated to choose a healthier lifestyle for themselves. In the past, when I encouraged my parents to get the flu shot in the fall and winter, they didn't get the flu vaccine at all, saying they didn't want to or were worried about side effects. Since my daughter was born, now in the autumn and winter, I don't need to say, they have gone to get the flu vaccine themselves, and they also pay attention to exercise and eat healthily every day. This is the nourishment that small lives bring to them. If there is a condition, nor is it particularly against their will, there is a continuation of a small life, and the whole family will be pleasantly surprised.
Liu Na: My parents are farmers and have no retirement salary. After my economic conditions improved, I gave them a "salary" at a fixed time every month, so that they had no worries about the economy and were mentally open. Before the outbreak of the epidemic, I wanted to take them to see the landscape of the motherland, because they rarely go out, and now it is difficult to make the trip.
Wang Yan: The most worrying thing is that my mother is sick, lonely, and unhappy. Because of her own hobbies, my mother's old age was still very fulfilling and happy. The house that her brother bought for her was on the first floor, and there was a garden, and her mother and uncle were busy in the garden for three seasons of the year, with grapevines, toon trees, persimmon trees and fig trees, cutting leeks and spinach in the spring, picking cucumber beans in the summer, and grapes with figs and persimmons to eat in the autumn. The little nephew also painted "Grandma's Little Garden" for Grandma.
Being able to help her get through each day the way she loves best is what I want to do most. I encouraged her to pick up the strengths of her youth and give her absolute financial and spiritual support. I think even in their twilight years, people want to have companions, social circles, and occasions that exude charm.
In a little over a year, my mother will be 80 years old, and my brother and I are going to accompany my mother on a cruise ship, just like when we were children.
Finally, do you have feelings for your mother that you can't say to your face, but you really want to express to her? It can be gratitude, admiration and love, regret, regret and apology... If so, try writing it down now.
Li Xiaomeng: The emotions I really want to express to her are gratitude, admiration and love. My communication with my mother was very direct and anytime. In my nurturing relationship with my daughter, she will always be willing to play a supporting role, take a back seat, and will not cross the line. Sometimes when I express my ideas about education, my mom would say, "Okay, I understand that this is your idea, this is your daughter." It means "I don't agree, but I support you." I think this is a very wise, three-generation approach to giving dominance to their children. Sometimes my mother would say, "Good feelings between you are what I want to see, and I just have to help." "Mom has such a clear self-definition, and I am very grateful to her.
Liu Na: I am 41 years old this year, I am a writer and a counselor, I was originally a child of my parents, and now I am more like their parents. I know everything about them, I say everything about them, and when I am with them, I will say it thoroughly, and I don't want to leave regrets, including "I love you so much, thank you for giving birth to me".
Wang Yan: In the old age, the old man is most worried about the problem of old age. Now that I am approaching retirement age, I think the first thing I want to do after retirement is to rent the house next to my mother and live with her for a few years, I want to say: Mom, everything has me, there is us, rest assured.
People often rejoice in new births, but the four seasons are reincarnated, experiencing the vigorous summer of spring and the splendor of autumn, and it is bound to go to the depression and cold of winter. In winter, as long as you taste it carefully, you can find that it contains the beauty and taste of spring, summer and autumn. When the journey of life finally comes to that winter, I hope that we can all have a frankness and relief when looking back, of course, we must first accompany and help our parents to arrive at that moment safely, I believe we will.