What is the purpose of getting married?
A strange marriage may tell you the answer.
A man with an annual salary of 300,000, 37 years old, 172 tall, with a car and a house.
The conditions are acceptable, but his criteria for finding a wife are like this.
1, under 28 years old, beautiful, good figure, good family, good work, gentle and lovely home.
And that's not all.
2, after marriage AA system, they will give their wives 500 households every month.
Seeing this, you may want to swear like me.
Don't worry, there are more ruinous three views.
3, half of the week to play mahjong outside, basically after midnight home.
4, the housework is all undertaken by the wife, cooking also requires good taste.
5. After marriage, I do not want to contact my wife's parents, and I will visit her during the New Year's Festival.
Where is this looking for a wife?
This is the plan to spend 500 yuan a month, to find a fertility tool + hard work nanny, this blood loss sale nanny but also beautiful, gentle, cute, homely.
Some people say: What age is this living in? I want to sing "Waking Up" to him.
In fact, this is not an isolated case.
How many women live at home as a cheap nanny?
The U.S. National Bureau of Statistics has published a set of survey data on the total number of laborers and the rate of population participation in labor in various countries: China is the first place in the total labor force of the world population. You want to say that the high rate of female labor force participation shows that the status of the family is important.
I don't think so. In China, it has become the norm for women to take care of their families while working outside the home to earn money.
"In 20.3% of chinese households, women take care of all the household chores; in 41.7% of families, women take on most of the housework; as for bringing a baby, it is even more difficult." 91.1% of women assume most, if not full, responsibility for childcare. ”
Even if they have become a dog at home, 70% of women still want to juggle their careers and families.
Why are women willing to become a "cheap nanny" when they are financially independent and can take care of themselves?
01
An effort that is ignored by the collective unconscious
I once saw a husband's plea for help on Zhihu:
"I go to work during the day, and my wife gets up at night to feed and calls me up to accompany me.
He was full of grievances: "Several times woke me up, told me to get up and accompany me, the child at night milk frequently, I was really upset." ”
But he didn't seem to have even basic empathy.
If you are upset when you wake up only a few times, how should you feel about a woman who is frequently woken up and coaxed by her children at night and is also annoyed by her husband?
They count on the boundless love of motherhood, relying on love to generate electricity, and they can also beautify the baby into a kind of "rest".
Jin Zhiying in "Jin Zhiying Born in 82" has a high education and has his own ideals.
After getting married, due to the opposition of her mother-in-law and the need for a baby, she had to become a full-time wife.
Jin Zhiying was tired of spinning, and her husband turned a blind eye and only said: "Or, rest for a while." ”
With a baby, doing housework, is it really a break?
A wet dad, after the birth of the child, in order to get enough sleep for himself, he slept in a separate room with his wife.
Until the child is 1 year old and 3 months old, 24 hours to take care of the baby's mother, sudden cerebral infarction, a whole night of rescue from the ghost door out of the door.
Only then did the grandfather wake up: "They are cows, nannies, cooks, servants, employees, maintenancemen, financial planners... But they are human after all, not gods, and they will be tired. ”
It's enough to take the baby, that... What about housework?
In a documentary, Reus and Brianna were married for two years, but their daily communication was only quarrelsome.
What's the fuss about?
Brianna is a full-time wife who takes care of her two children and takes care of all the housework.
Royce complained:
"She stays at home, she's very idle, playing happily with her kids, but I have to go out to work every day, and I just think she should take on more housework."
He counted his wife's use of cereal instead of hot rice:
"Isn't it just about being at home with children and doing housework?" Why am I so tired from a day at work that I can't eat a hot meal when I get home? ”
He hated his wife and gave most of his energy to the children, and his figure began to look out of shape.
Unable to resist the complaints and disgust, he confidently decided to show his wife how simple housework and baby-keeping were.
So, the night of punching the face began.
Halfway through the meal, two small mythical beasts took turns to appear, the children cried as soon as they put it down, and the older children jumped around in the kitchen.
Before the meal was finished, he had back pain, tossed for several hours, and helplessly ordered the takeaway.
The time for a meal made him want to go back to work a few days to relax.
How many husbands have had good years, and it is his wife who is carrying the weight forward?
The Blue Book of Social Mentality released by the Research Center for Social Psychology of the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences shows that the marital satisfaction of Chinese men is generally higher than that of women.
Some netizens said:
After getting married, some people waited for the laundry and cooking, gave birth to a baby, took care of the family, and went out to work to earn money to subsidize the family, which is also satisfied with me.
Of course! When a man gets married, he is a boss! Women go to work with children as nannies.
Probably most men pay less to their families than women.
The economic level is high, women can be independent, of course, satisfaction is low.
I'm happy to find a paid babysitter.
You see, the essence of "nanny marriage" is actually that in this era, most women go out to work, but men do not return to the family.
02
Women's self-struggle and awakening
The most terrible thing about "nanny marriage" is not physical exhaustion, but mental exhaustion.
In the movie "Marriage Story", the wife Nicole is a well-known actor, and the husband Charlie is a well-known director, they have loved each other for many years, achieved each other, and the seemingly normal family undercurrent is surging and has been resentful for a long time.
Nicole has always wanted to return to Los Angeles and restart her career. She tried to seek support from the other side, and each time she got only perfunctory.
In the "warm water" called the family, she gradually realized that her emotions were repeatedly ignored, her needs were repeatedly sacrificed, and finally her husband could not listen to any of her words.
She seems to be a tool, a tool to meet each other's needs.
Nicole said she had lost herself in the marriage and was getting more and more decayed, but Charlie was becoming more and more energetic.
She is the woman behind the well-known director, she is a "good wife" and "good mother".
It's just that her ego is constantly squeezed and she loses herself.
In the home of two people, there is actually only one person, and she is only that accessory.
Charlie, on the other hand, did not realize that something was wrong with the marriage until he received the divorce lawyer's letter.
After all, his heart never stayed at home. In fact, that's the scariest thing in a relationship — not being seen.
Freud once told a story in the book:
A three-year-old boy shouted in a dark room: "Auntie, don't talk to me!" I'm afraid, it's too dark here. ”
The aunt responded, "What's the use of that?" You can't see me again. ”
The boy replied, "It doesn't matter, someone brings light when they talk." ”
Many people spend their entire lives looking for someone who can see themselves. When we are seen, there is light; with light we can see ourselves and exist. The person who is always unseen, he experiences far more than loneliness, but also a sense of death that does not exist.
They wonder if they deserve to be loved, whether they really exist.
And then ignore their own needs, constantly please others, attach themselves to others, attach themselves to the family, and feel needed.
Only then can they feel alive.
Yes, "nanny marriage" is actually a vicious circle. One side ignores, the other longs to be seen and give; one side continues to ignore, and the other side gives more.
In the continuous escalation of neglect and effort, they gradually blurred their faces.
03
For a while, Liu Mintao's drunken performance had its own laugh points, full of personal characteristics, and swept the hot search.
This is her self that she experienced "middle-aged rebellion" at the age of 40 and won back.
She had been married for seven years, and it seemed to be happy, but she said: "Live a humble and pale life." ”
One night, she lay in bed, thinking that she had not seen her husband for a long time, and for the first time she saw her loneliness and unworthiness.
At dawn, she decided: end the marriage.
Years later, she reflected on herself:
"The trajectory of my life is almost entirely in line with society's expectations of a 'standard' woman.
Since the life of following the rules and going with the flow did not bring me the happiness I expected, but made me live a humble and pale life in the good old years that should have been radiant, it was better to be myself, to take risks in life at will, to test my limits, where is it?
Truly living for myself, I found that rebellion needs strength, obedience, no need to pass the brain, and doing my own thing requires the double blessing of judgment and courage.
Maybe it was affected by the changes in marriage, or maybe it was with the accumulation of years, my understanding of myself became more sober and transparent. It seems to slowly discover what you need, what you can do, and what you hope to do. ”
We often say that women's awakening, what exactly does it mean?
I think Liu Mintao gave us a choice: a woman can divorce because she lost herself in marriage.
Finally, what is the purpose of marrying a wife?
I like Tu Lei's answer in "Love Defense War":
"Wife, not to have children, but to accompany each other until old age." Some men are no different before and after marriage, and he thinks that finding a wife is to have children and do housework.
I tell you, you're wrong. You're looking for someone who can support each other until they're old, rather than working at home and keeping up with it. ”